Deal or No Deal with special guest star Mom!

Couple weeks ago I took my mom shopping. Her eyesight's failing. Better I help her than to unleash her on the roads. I don't mind doing it, keeping the world safe for you and her.

But, I swear, every small transaction is like buying a car.

At Walmart, we searched for the elusive hair spray aisle.

Now have you guys seen me? I don't have a follicle of hair on my pate. It's a world never explored. So I'm cruising the aisles looking for a product I don't understand, wouldn't know it if a display of it toppled on me. She's asking for "Dan Sassy" or something. Rows and rows of product, I can't find it. Finally, through sheer luck, we stumble upon it. She has me flag down a clerk, then ask her how much my armful of products cost. A very lengthy time of consideration ensued. But hair-products had to wait. We left empty-handed.

Next up is toilet paper. I've never given toilet paper much consideration in my life. Actually don't want to. I mean, we all use it, but I believe it's better not discussed.  But at great lengths we considered the ply, the cost, the softness factor, the color. Mom opened my eyes to a whole new world, enlightenment on a budget.

At the meat-counter, I rattled off various ground beef packages prices like an auctioneer. "$8.79, I have $8.79, how 'bout a smaller package? $6.99, we have $6.99, $6.99 going once, twice, sold to the man and his mother!"

Of course I love my mom, a wonderful person. And I'm still learning new things about her. Had no idea haggling with store clerks was a hobby of hers.

And I'll be there again in a week for our next adventure in shopping!

YeeHaw! The wild west is comin' back, y'all!

Right here in Kansas! Pow! Zing! 

Sigh. The newly passed Kansas gun law is psycho and scary. "Norman Bates" psycho, scarier than the new Lucille Ball statue.

In Kansas, it's no longer required to get a permit, to register a firearm, to get training to carry and own a gun. In what world (and Oz doesn't count for you folks ready to jump on the Kansas joke bandwagon) does this make sense?

Clearly, it's gonna' raise the crime rate. The murder rate. I fully expect more children will die by gun-shot, intentionally or not ("Hey, new toy."). And domestic disputes will be decided with the gavel of a bullet.

Okay, let me step off my soap-box for a minute (but not before kicking it over like a rock star), and let's look at this law with a cold, clinical, non-judgmental eye. Guns kill. So do the people pulling the trigger. I'm not about to call the distinction between the two. But it takes both.

The people passing this law? Politicians. Why? Truly, I doubt they're personally itching to get their hands on guns so they can shoot it out--last-stand Peckinpah style--with opposing politicians to determine who gets to rule. (Then again...we're talking Kansas. And it might be a movie I'd like to see. Just don't want to see the real deal.). SO the real reason has to be to garner votes in one of the "reddest" states around.

And who benefits from this law? Law-breakers! Angry, cuckolded spouses! Bank-robbers and muggers! Batman villains! "Hills Have Eyes" mutants! Scary, scary people. I mean, how easy it'll be be to go out, acting upon a knee-jerk reaction, and pick up a gun. I imagine we'll also have an influx of ne'er-do-well sorts from out-of-state. On the bright side, it'll be good for Kansas commerce and the tourist industry!

Yesterday while taking my mother shopping (oughta' be a law against that!), I dropped her off at the front door of a store, parked the car. A horn blared out. I looked. Wasn't my car. This time the horn ground out louder, harsher. I went around to the other side. Some guy sat in the car parked next to me. He yelled, "How the hell'm I supposed to get outta' my car?" I was well within the parking lines. He's the one who'd crowded it. Yet, clearly, he thought the impetus was on me to move my car. Actually, I started arguing, kinda' pissed. Then I remembered the new Kansas law. No thanks. I moved my vehicle. Bad enough the guy was using his horn as a weapon.

I'm seriously considering abandoning Kansas. Then again, why should I let knucklehead politicians muscle me out. I don't give into terrorism (um, only to my mother's emotional blackmail).

Meanwhile, there's a new sheriff in town, pardner. Or, um, maybe not one at all.

Here comes the zombies!

Well, looks like it's that time again to introduce y'all to my newest book.

Zombie Rapture. Crazy title, huh? Go look at it now, then meet me back here. Zombie Rapture Linky-Poo!

Now if you're the type of person who'd rather not read about gut-munching zombies, hang on a minute! The zombies in this book are really "zombies" in title only. First of all, they're sentient. Second, they don't eat flesh. Or brains (a rather nasty culinary habit, I think). Rather, they somewhat fancy fried chicken, down-home cooking. 

Sure, they're dead (or "undead" if you want to get fancy-pants about it). And they're out to kill the (apparently) few surviving living humans. Why? It's complicated. But in a nutshell, people have died, come back, and now believe they're experiencing the Rapture come to earth. Heaven on earth. Those not like them? They want to "save" them, bring them into their paradise. You know, by killing them. Told you it's complicated.

But at the heart of the tale? A love story, a heroic quest for Hunter to find his missing girlfriend, Jordan.

Okay. Even though a couple of the protagonists are teens, it's not a YA book. Too much for their tender lil' minds. I certainly don't want to have the corruption of teens on my rap-sheet. And again...it's the zombie book for people who don't like zombies. (But fear not, zombie lovers! I've got you covered as well!).

The book shape-shifts. While writing, it took on a mind of its own. Starts out all romancey and stuff. Segues way into dark humor (I don't know about you, but a dead lil' old lady coming at our hero with hedgeclippers, chanting "praise Him, praise Him!" strikes me as morbidly amusing). Turns into suspense, horror, sci-fi, mystery, thriller. Finally satire. 

An end-of-the-world black comedy! Fun for the whole family!

Official launch date is April 14th. You can preorder it until then at this nifty link: Clicky for Zombie Rapture! All this excitement for a mere $2.99! Go!

I Left My Wallet in San Diego...

Everyone sing!

We just got back from a week long trip to San Diego. Great city. I suggested to my wife that we should retire there. But, um, the cost of living in San Diego would make for a very short, yet sweet, retirement. You can't get a meal for under $30 unless you hightail it over to Taco Bell. And Kansas City already has tons of those, no new cuisine under the sun there.

The San Diego Zoo is spectacular. I came back with a

sunburned, blistered scalp and the notion that Polar and Grizzly Bears are the friendliest mammals in the world. No wonder they call it a "bear hug." Because that's what these lovable guys want. A hug. The only reason bears maul people? Because instead of offering hugs, people scream. Why can't we all just get along? Oprah would be proud of me. (My wife doesn't share this same outlook, it must be said. She just rolled her eyes in several spectacular orbits).

Speaking of "friendly," San Diego is host to the swellest bunch of homeless people I've ever met. Sure, there was the leather-faced woman who cursed and snapped her teeth at me demonic possession style, but, hey there's always a bad apple in every orchard. Most of them took rejection just fine, offering well wishes afterward. One kindly lady (note: don't go to public parks) handed me a hastily scribbled message--something about demons--offered me a cigarette and told me to vote for Obama. Well...ignoring the fact that Obama can't run again, this homeless woman actually offered me a cancer stick and political and demonic advice! Offering instead of begging! Wow! It is odd...the homeless are not only tolerated in downtown San Diego, but they're practically accepted, a colorful component of the city.

While we're talking "colorful"...San Diego's a real melting pot; many languages, many cultures, many races. The most prevalent? Burgundy red people. I wanted to lather them with sun screen, share the friendliness. Honestly, you'd think the natives would catch on by now that skin cancer's a real thing. Like Global Warming (contrary to what our cab-driver told us). Colorful!

But, alas, every city has a downside. For some reason, couples love to perform very public, ugly and loud break-ups in San Diego. Not only did I witness several throw-downs, I was caught in the middle of a particularly volatile scenario, the angry woman (something about her boyfriend cheating on her) shoving me aside to better attack her boyfriend. On a downtown sidewalk. Excitement!

And I was nearly run down by crazy, death-defying bicyclists. These guys were true magicians, vanishing and reappearing, weaving in and out of crowds at spectacular speeds, mere inches from wasting sidewalk walkers. Danger!

The worst part was our hotel. It overlooked a trolley station. All night long and every fifteen minutes, the train would shwoosh in, blowing the horn. Except the horn sounded more like the bellowing noise made when the "tributes" in The Hunger Games movie died.  (I'm in dire need of a vacation from my vacation). No sleep!

The scariest part? On three occasions, a clerk/waitress/pedicab driver told us, "Welcome back." Huh. Never been to San Diego before. You know, San Diego's already sorta' removed from reality as I understand it: the sky's a preternaturally ocean-deep blue; everything's either cement or water (no greenery); the homeless are there to make us feel at home; there're more bars than a prison...it's Disneyland for adults! So I guess it comes as no shock that our doppelgangers are running around, always two steps ahead of us. Twilight Zone time!

Can't wait to go back, armed with sunscreen and ear-plugs.

Tex the Witch Boy Conjures Into Print!

My first book, Tex, the Witch Boy, is now available as a trade paperback! Now why is this exciting news, you ask? Why should you be thrilled that my rollicking YA mystery, paranormal, comedy, romance, thriller, kitchen-sink catch-all has made the transition onto paper? Glad you asked!

1) If you'd like to play along at home, it's much cooler to practice Tex's witchcraft spells while holding an actual book as opposed to an E-Reader. Just something old-school witchiness about it.

2) The cover's had an over-haul! Say goodbye to "Tex, the Twenty-Something, Kinda' Creepy Male Model Who Still Hangs Around High Schools." No offense to my marvelous cover artist, Charlie Volnek (who actually also did the great new cover), but this really isn't Tex, not the Tex I'd always envisioned. Anyone who's read the book can attest to that.

Say hello to the new boss!

This new cover captures the content of the tale much better:  Mysterious, dangerous, forboding, BOOYAH! Charlie knocked it out of the park.

Here! First reveal:

 That's what I'm talkin' about!

3) Finally, it recently came to my attention that YA readers (teenagers, early 20's) don't read e-books! GASP! Shocker, I know. Usually, every teen I know has their nose buried in some electronic gadget 24-7. You practically have to set yourself on fire to grab their attention and then it's only for a fleeting moment. (Just pray they're interested enough to call the Fire Department).

But, this is especially important as the theme of the book is about anti-bullying, a powerful message that I'd like to see reach the proper audience. Now the book has a chance of getting into libraries and, ultimately, teens' hands.

So, if you know a teen who's being bullied, buy the book for them. If you want teens to know they're not alone, that they have options, let 'em read this book. The books doesn't preach or talk down, nothing but the sometimes harsh truth. I should know. All bullying incidents detailed within either happened to me or a friend of mine.

Available now: Tex, the Witch Boy

Suzanne de Montigney's herding up the unicorns again!

My pal and terrific author, Suzanne de Montigny is in the house and she’s bringing her unicorns with her. (Hope they’re potty-trained.) Her new novel, The Shadow of the Unicorn: The Deception (the second in her Shadow of the Unicorn series) launches March 17^th. In celebration, I decided to hit Suzanne up with some intense grilling. You guys bring the corn-on-the-cob.

SRW: Suzanne, tell us a little bit about your newest entry in the series.

Well, just watch the book trailer.

http://youtu.be/xZgQSBowrFE

SRW: What I find remarkable about your series is the wonderful sense of humanity inherent in the tales. Yet the message is told through the eyes of a group of unicorns. Now, to me, you don’t seem much like a cynic, but the humans in your books, for the most part, are an awful lot. Explain and/or apologize.

The truth of the matter is that there are people like that in the world, driven by money with little regard for others and little regard for the environment. But in this story, the humans are just plain stupid. Drachen, my favourite, really gets it in the end, but in a really comical way. My boys really chuckled at what happens to him. 

SRW: In the first book, the hero, Azaria, is a noble unicorn. How does the second book’s protagonist, Ulysees, differ? I enjoyed his youthful impetuousness. Alas, we’ve all been there. 

Ulysees is rebellious and that’s what gets the unicorns rediscovered by the humans when he and his buddy, Téo, follow an old trail in defiance of Icarus, their very cruel leader.

SRW: Yeah, what’s up with Icharus anyway?

Icarus is the epitome of psychopath in a horsey kind of way. Everything he does is for power. He scares the herd into submission with stories of a superior being named Jaresh who will take away their powers of healing and their abilities to shadow-walk, camouflage, and ride the wind.

SRW:  Okay, now, “the epitome of psychopath in a horsey kind of way?” Great sound-bite…or something. Moving on…Ach, Jaresh! Hate that guy. What was your inspiration (without giving away spoilers) for this unique character?

Westboro Baptist Church comes to mind, or any of those extremist Christian religions that quite honestly don’t bare a whole lot of resemblance to traditional Christians and who use scare tactics to get converts. Shame on them. They make me so mad.

SRW: Yep, the ever-lovely Westboro Baptist Church hails my state, Kansas. You’re welcome, everybody!

I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around a world where unicorns exist alongside dinosaurs. Probably a Bible fundamentalist’s worst nightmare. But it works! I believe you’re a regular church-goer. So…how do you explain your fictional setting to the non-evolutionists? (Sorry, sorry, putting you on the spot).

Haha! You have to think like a kid. Don’t forget my original unicorn story was written when I was in grade six and one of my favourite television shows was The Flintstones—humans  and dinosaurs existing together! I knew that wasn’t possible at that age, but hey, in fantasy, anything and everything is possible. As for the Bible and evolution? I’ve always considered Bible stories to be mere representations of what might have happened. 

SRW: Good save, safe save, Suzanne. An underlying thread in your books is racism, intolerance. I really liked how you presented the antipathy between unicorns and horses. An extremely nice lesson for younger readers. Why, exactly, do unicorns dislike horses? Seems kinda’ like a horse of a same breed (or something like that).

Haha. You make me laugh. Unicorns dislike horses because they’ve been domesticated by the humans and are used to pursue them. However, the racism thing actually happened when I was a little girl back in the sixties. Her name was Marie. I befriended her on the playground when I was seven. She was really nice, so I invited her home after school to play. At suppertime, after she left, I was really shamed by my family for having played with a native child, and I mean really shamed. The next day, when Marie asked me to play again, I very dutifully exclaimed, “No! I don’t play with Injuns!” Sigh. I can only begin to imagine how horrible she felt, and you know what? It’s bothered me most of my life. And when the story found itself in this book, I finally realized I had to find that girl and apologize. It took a bit of searching and help from an old classmate, but eventually I located her on FB where I wrote her a heartfelt letter telling her how dreadful I felt about it all. She never responded, but that’s okay just so long as she knows it’s been on my conscience all this time. I dedicated the book to her (and my Uncle Denis).

SRW: The human villains were a bumbling lot, sort of evil, kinda’ comic relief. A far cry from the first book’s heinous human villain. I thought it was a nice change-up. But I’m weird. Were they meant to be amusing?

Absolutely! Heck, we didn’t need another Ishmael. 

SRW: Now, come on! It’s time for some decent humans. Any upcoming?

Yup—in the last of the trilogy. Her name’s Corabelle and she has a gift that causes her no end of grief. She’s an old soul and has tremendous kindness toward animals.

SRW: The big one, ready? What, exactly, is the title “deception?”

It’s that darn Icarus, but I can’t tell you what.

SRW: Where’s the series go from now? Are you picking up Ulysees’ tale in the future? Or will we see the next generation? Furthermore, where is the series heading?

The last of the series takes place during medieval times, several thousands of years into the future. It’s called The Shadow of the Unicorn: The Revenge. The main character, Damien, has a physical defect that causes the other unicorns to be relentlessly cruel to him, so much to the point that Damien turns evil. Yes, that’s right—a unicorn is the bad guy!

SRW: Oh, good. I like bad guys as the protagonist. Refreshing in their sociopathic behavior!

Aside from the unicorns, what’re you working on?

I just finished a teen novel called, A Town Bewitched. I’ve just submitted it to a Canadian publisher and am crossing my fingers. Here’s the blurb:

It's tough for Kira, growing up in the small town of Hope, B.C., as a child prodigy in classical violin, especially when her father just died. But when Kate McDonough, the red-haired fiddler, with no past, takes the town by storm with her spellbinding Celtic music, only Kira suspects it’s her vandalising Hope, leaving dead and gutted birds as a calling card.

SRW: There you have it, ladies, gentlemen and unicorns (hey, they could be reading, right? RIGHT?). Jump right out, buy Suzanne’s newest book: Shadow of the Unicorn: The Deception.

And, hey, Suzanne's decided to donate a free copy to one of you lucky readers. But you gotta' comment. People, I implore you to buy this book. 'Cause I wanna' see it made into a movie. I want to see Ben Affeck's head CGI'ed onto a unicorn's body. Please make my wish come true.

Worst Break-Up Lines Ever

Well, Valentine's Day has come and gone and, as per usual, I'm a little late to the party. Anyhow, it's time to celebrate love.

And what better way than to compile a list of the world's worst (or most efficiently quick) break-up lines.

I conducted intensive research (made crap up), interviewed a broad spectrum of random people (Mr. Google), and embarked upon a Vision Quest (thought about my rather pathetic past romances). 

The results may shock you. Journalism at its most intense. And, by skippy, if I don't feel like Oprah on a caffeine high.

Here we go (everyone do a drum-roll, but don't really do it out loud. You're liable to upset the dog.):

10) I don't think my wife will like you.

9) How many people do you have to murder before you're considered a serial killer?

8) There's nothing sexier than Hee-Haw.

7) That's what those are? Toast tweezers? I've been using them to yank out nostril hairs.

6) You resemble your mother even though she's way hotter.

5) Last night, aliens gave me the best anal-probe I've ever had.

4) Because I sorta' almost like you, I'm going to serenade you with the entire soundtrack of "Newsies." Here. Right now. In this restaurant.

3) You're almost as hot as Bea Arthur. Maybe just wearing football gear.

2) Hey, check me out while I light this fart on fire!

And the big one:

1) Not only does it sting when I urinate, I'm hosting exciting new breeds down yonder.

Ta-dahhh! Yes, I'm twelve years old.