Art My A$$!

 I like modern art. Contemporary, pop, surrealistic, post-hipster-ironic, there's a place for all of it. In fact, when visiting the Nelson Art Museum on the Plaza, I prefer the modern wing to the stodgy ol' masters of yesteryear.

But this...THIS...

Where do I begin? An Italian "artist," Maurizio Cattelan, duct taped a banana to a wall and called it ART. He's duped many a critic--and pretentious would-be critics--into deeming it a masterpiece. A masterpiece of crap and scamming maybe. Get this...Cattelan made three different versions of this messterpiece and recently, the second one sold for $6.2 MILLION dollars! Yep. You read that right.

Cattelan calls this grift-work "Comedian." I can see why. He's laughing all the way to the bank.

What really gets my goat is that the guy who bought it ate the friggin' banana at a press conference! $6.2 million bucks down the drain. Hell, some third world countries could be fed for that kinda cash-drop. Grrrr...don't get me going.

The purchaser in question was a cryptocurrency tycoon (reportedly of questionable criminal concerns) who explained, while chowing down on his expensive art, that "the real value is the concept itself" and compared it to a crypto asset. Which opens up a whole new level of mind-buggery and grifting.

Where do we draw the line on what constitutes "art?" Can I hang a pair of my dirty underwear from a flag pole and charge a half a million (I'm not greedy!) for this brilliant contemporary commentary on the filth that secretly underlies the white picket fences and manicured lawns of suburbia?

To paraphrase Sigmund Freud (one of the greatest stand-up comedians of his era), "sometimes a banana is just a banana."

Maybe I'm just mad I didn't think of this scam first.

Happy New Year!

Speaking of grifters, check out the cover on my supernatural horror comedy, Demon With a Comb-Over! That's all I'll say about that!

Art is Anal!

Well, maybe not all of it, but definitely some is.

Wait, here...let me illustrate my point:

See what I mean? My awesome brother-in-law sent this to me and it took me forever to even figure out it's supposed to read "artisanal." So...whoever the graphic designer is on this logo should probably be fired. Or he's giggling all the way to the bank.

Having been a graphic designer for twenty some years, it's a major gripe when I see the misuse of fonts. Just because someone's found a snappy font on their computer does not mean you have to use it.

Here's another fine example. My wife and I had a hankering for some Povitica, so we thought, "Hey, let's go check out the Strawberry Hill Povitica shop here in Kansas. We'll make out like greedy bandits on the samples!" Great idea. Except we never found the damn store.

Wanna know why? HERE'S why!

That logo's impossible to read even though we drove right past the store at least three times! Plus some genius put it in black against a green background. Certainly screams "strawberries," doesn't it?

Really gets my goat. Here, for your viewing pleasure, are several other logos. And they're all real!

Um. Oh, I see it's for a Swedish property management company named "Locum." Only in Sweden, am I right?

Well, this is certainly an interesting choice.

This of course is for Clinical Dental where the dentists supply that extra touch.

Here's the cute logo for "Mont-Sat," where the technicians are excited to serve your needs.

I don't even want to know what goes on in this store.

I'll just bet they do.

And finally, we have the logo for the Institute of Oriental Studies where they really put it to their students. Or something. Proving, once and for all, my theory that art is anal.

You know, they say "art is in the eye of the beholder." But what if the beholders are all a bunch of perverts?

Speaking of perverse things, there's plenty of that to be found in my short story collection, Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley. Check it out!

Interview with the fine artist, Sirac (by the extraordinary SIR WESLEY STUART)!

WS: Sir Wesley Stuart here, brilliant author of such noteworthy children's classics as “Blimey, the Teacher’s On Fire,” “Cake, Pie or Pigeons?” and “Let’s Fill Our Drawers…with Fun!” While the world has been abuzz—absolutely abuzz, I tell you—over my latest tour de force, Don’t Put Gum in the Fish Bowl, I’m afraid my talented artistic partner, Sirac, has been overshadowed by my (quite naturally) looming super-presence.

To right matters, I’ve allowed Sirac the pleasure of being interviewed by yours truly.

Welcome, Sirac.

S: Hey Wesley, how are you doing?

WS: (Youth today...sigh...so uncouth). Let’s begin with your name, “Sirac.” I notice your moniker includes the designation, “Sir.” Now I, of course, am a true “Sir,” knighted by the Queen (rather, her lackey) herself. You, on the other hand, I think are not a royal knight. Defend yourself.

S: Well, not “royal” in the traditional sense but certainly someone YOU would want to kneel to.

WS: Harrumph... So, you see yourself rather like “Cher,” then. Possibly “Sting?”

Moving on, no time for pish posh… You’ve done an extraordinary job bringing my brilliant characters to life in Fish Bowl. Truly, you make them sing, nearly flying off the pages of my literary magnum opus. Besides myself, who or what are some of your artistic influences?
 

S: Well, I have to say that Norman Rockwell is one that is at the very top. His work has always fascinated me, even as a little boy. The other is a comic book artist by the name of Jim Lee. His comic work is just amazing.

WS: Actually, I detect animated cartoon sensibilities in your work on Fish Bowl. Of course, I would never view such a lowly art form myself, never would I stoop that low. The very idea of Sir Wesley Stuart watching cartoons is preposterous! I scoff! Be that as it may, have *sniff* cartoons influenced you?

S: That’s funny that you say that since we’ve just worked on a children’s book together…But anyway. Yes, cartoons have certainly influenced me. Most normal people grow up watching cartoons, but I didn’t stop there, I was also heavily influenced by Japanese animation.

WS: Yes. Well… Thank you for implying I'm above and beyond normal. But let's not make this all about me, shall we?

Your art absolutely flows and soars (literally) throughout Fish Bowl. The dear wee ones in the book—so breathtakingly delineated through my stellar prose—absolutely come to life. Did you use real children as the basis for their images? If so, how much did you pay the little ragamuffins?

S: Nope, I imagined all how they would look according to how you wrote them. As I read, all of a sudden, their images popped into my head and I went with it.

WS: Please enlighten my fans of your other accomplishments. Is it true you’ve participated in the rather vulgar field of “funny books?” Superheroes, I dare ask? “Handkerchief Lad” or “Manners Man,” perhaps?

S: Yeah, you mean the one of 5 Original American art forms? Yes, comic books alongside with Jazz, also the source of some of the most money making cinematic franchises in the past 20 years. That’s where I started, drawing them since I was in the 2nd grade until now. Proud to say I started publishing my own a few years ago. But I’m also a fine artist and have been awarded many times for my pieces.

WS: Hmmph. I suppose there is a place for that and what not. I will say that your artwork, as always, is quite stellar, though. How does one acquire such funny-book periodicals?

S: All someone has to do is message me at Facebook.com/SiracIncArt and we’ll take it from there.

WS: It’s come to my rather short attention span that you’re a commercial artist for hire. A rogue agent, if you will. What kind of art is your forte? Let us ponder a few choice examples.

S: Well, we’ve already discussed Comic Book art, I also specialize in Painting Portraits, Logo Design and Murals.

WS: Bravo, Sirac, bravo! Extremely versatile, an artiste of many hats. I’m particularly taken by your painting, “The Devil’s Court.” It’s quite reminiscent of a night of mine involving several snakes, copious amounts of rum, a vacuum cleaner, the bobbies, and my dear Auntie Cheroot. (A pity I can’t remember much of it.) What is the medium of choice you’ve indulged within said painting?

S: Yeah, it’s actually the “Desert’s Court”, with that said I prefer acrylic paint when airbrushing.

 

WS: Now I’m looking at what appears to be a self-portrait of yourself and your quite lovely wife. But I declare skullduggery! Are you, sir, attempting to pull the wool over our eyes by passing off a photograph as art? How dare you? And if this isn’t a photograph, how did you achieve such photo-realistic means?

S: Yup, it’s a painting all right. I used three of them as a matter of fact to get the desired composition. How did I achieve it? Lots and lots of patience. Yes, that best won me a Best of Show award. I’m a very thorough guy and I ‘shoot for photorealism’, get it, any chance I get.

 

WS: Let’s do not get a big head over matters, shall we, Sirac? You seem to be a man of many brushes. What are your favorite tools of the trade?

S: My favorite tools of the trade are a .5 mechanical pencil, a ballpoint pen, my airbrush and some of the rattiest brushes that I have. They paint the nicest hair believe it or not.

WS: Ye gads, man. Ratty brushes indeed.

What are you working on now? And what would you like to work on in the future?

S: I’m working on a partial nude commission, and a Batman/Dark Knight Trilogy collage in preparation for the local comic con in April. For the future I’d like to certainly do more of what I just listed as well as more books with you, if you’re up for it.

WS: Indeed I am up for it, sir! (And did you mention a partial nude? I...see. I may have to visit your studio to complete this interview). 

Quite, quite. Where can patrons of the arts hire you out, my dear fellow? Please make it easy on our readers and list your links (tacky as it may be).

S: Everyone can find me on Facebook.com/SiracIncArt or can email me at siracincart@gmail.com as well as sirac_inc@yahoo.com

WS: Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Fine and jolly. Finally, I’d like to ask you something weighing heavily on my readers’ minds… What do you like most about me?

S: Ooh, that’s a tough one, well if I had to find something... (Crickets)...(More time passes)...(Any day now)...Well I guess it would be your writing!

WS: Well, there you have the remarkable artiste, Sirac, dear readers. Please do pick up a copy of the extraordinary work of art, Don’tPut Gum in the Fish Bowl, by myself (and Sirac). It can be purchased at Barnes& Noble and the publisher’s website. Of course, if you don’t mind waiting, the laggards at Amazon offer it as well.