Aquaman Vs. Submariner: The Ultimate Geek Question

In these truly weird and turbulent times, I think that one questions looms mightily over the heads of many people: Who would win in a fight: Aquaman or Sub-Mariner? Yessir, I tackle all the Big Issues here at Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley.

Back in my office days, a coworker and myself used to call the local comic book shop and seriously asked the clerk this very question. Three things can be garnered from this exchange: 1) We had a lotta spare time on the job; 2) Yes, I'll always be six at heart; and 3) We'd giggle for hours over how seriously the comic book clerk considered this question.

"Aquaman, clearly," he'd rattle on. "He's the king of the sea whereas Sub-Mariner is merely a prince, and bla, bla, bla..."

We put him on speaker phone and invited others to listen. Good times, good times...

Now, don't get me wrong; my CBQ ("Comic Book Quotient") is pretty high, too, but never have I ever taken such things seriously. It's scary.

But, it made me think. Why in the world hasn't Marvel made a Sub-Mariner movie yet? After all, he was one of Marvel's first superheroes, dating back to when they were called "Timely" in the '40's. Sub-Mariner, along with Captain America and the original Human Torch (an android), used to team up to kick the Axis' collective arses.

So why no Sub-Mariner Big-Time Movie Treatment? Nicholas Cage has probably already got a piece of the action as we speak and is trying on speedos. But the real reason there's no Sub-Mariner movie? I'll tell you why...because underwater superheroes and action are boring. Don't believe me? Try watching the excruciatingly dull Sean Connery Bond film, Thunderball. Watching grown men fight underwater is less than exciting, their movements slowed down by the water in a ballet of boredom. Also, check out DC's snoozy Aquaman film for further proof. The only laugh I got out of the film was when my daughter booed the screen once Aquaman donned his costume, thus covering up Jason Momoa's previously nekkid torso.

Furthermore, Sub-Mariner's just kinda dumb. Check this guy out...he's got teeny-tiny wings on his ankles. Whaaaaaaaat? He was born from a liaison between an American explorer (just what was he exploring?) and an Atlantis princess.  Okay, so we've got a human and an Atlantean. So where'd he get the footy wings? And just how well do they serve him underwater?

Aquaman's equally goofy. He was the offspring of a romance between a lighthouse keeper and a washed to shore secret Atlantis queen. The dad suspected something was up with his son when he found him playing underwater for an hour. Good parenting.

SO, we're circling around again to the important question: who would win in a fight between Aquaman and Sub-Mariner? I dunno, but it'd probably be a really boring fight. Oh sure, Aquaman can talk to sea varmints. It might be kinda cool to see him rally a bunch of seahorses to eat Submariner's ankle wings or something. But honestly, if these two grade Z superheroes want to knock each other senseless, have at it. Somewhere a comic book store clerk is sighing ecstatically.

Speaking of funny books, why not check out Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, the first in a series of comical mystery books featuring a very irritated, very pregnant sleuth and her knuckleheaded male stripper brother? There aren't any superheroes in speedos, but you do get a banana hammock in the deal. Such a bargain!

 

Kryptonian Super-Pants!

Okay. Supergirl has super-powers. She has super-breath (I imagine super minty and cool). Back in the day, she even had a super-cat named Streaky. Nobody remembers Streaky, but when I was a kid, I stumbled across an old Legion of Superheroes comic where there was an ENTIRE Legion of Super-pets! Of course the membership included Krypto, Superman's dog. And Streaky, keeping it super-cat real (peace!). There was even a super-horse. Which is all very strange considering there were only two or three humanoid survivors from Krypton's explosion, yet a whole league of super-pets made the splash-down to Earth. But I'm super digressing...)

So while super-fighting super bad guys, you'd think Supergirl would benefit from some super-pants. Alas, it's not the case. In our current, hyper-sensitive Me-Too era (absolutely no thanks to our sub-super-president), Supergirl's still out there battling super bads while wearing a super mini-skirt.

Barely functional. Let alone super. I mean you don't see Superman flying the skies sporting a super banana hammock.

Let's super break this super double-standard down. While Supergirl's cruising over the city, she's shooting super-moon. When she gets knocked on her super arse, her ankles are up around her super ears. Sure, her super mini-skirt frees up her legs a bit to super high kick to the joy of teen boys, but still...enough's enough. Even Supergirl's bad gals and guys wear super-slacks, no super wardrobe-challenged fools in the face of danger.

We need to start a petition. It's 2018. Let's give Supergirl the super-slacks she deserves! Power to the pants! Bitches be wearing britches (sorry, couldn't resist)!

Have you checked out my super-fun books?

One super-click away from super-awesome reading pleasure!

So long to the funniest show on TV...The Inhumans

I grew up as a comic-book geek kid (oh, NOW they're cool). So when I first heard there was an upcoming TV series based on the "Inhumans," a strange Marvel comics superhero group, I frothed. Fairly foamed at the mouth, I tell you. It takes a lot to make me froth. Frothing is hard-earned in the Stuart household.

Eight painful episodes in (I'm a television masochist!) and I'm stabbing a stake in the show's bone-headed heart. (Pretty sure ABC agrees; after the eighth episode--and 13 were contracted--that sultry, smoky-voiced, ABC promo guy called it the "season finale.")

Where did the show go wrong? Let me count the ways...

The best actor on the show was a 2,000 pound, teleporting, CGI bulldog. I loved that guy. The rest of the cast? Not so much. The hero, the mute king Black Bolt, comes off as a drunken, constipated mime, prone to bouts of horrific mugging that would kick Jerry Lewis out of France.

Look, the show had a really cool built-in concept of a bunch of neato mutants living on the moon. Boom! Instant awesome! But the TV Gods chose to do the dumbest thing possible: the Inhuman gang is separated and tossed onto earth. Instead of political intrigue, we get Karnak wedged into a love triangle on a secret weed farm. Medusa? The strong first lady married to Black Bolt with the wiggly tendrils of hair? In the first episode, her hair's chopped off. Triton, the green-skinned amphibious guy, my long-time fave of the Inhumans? They "kill" him off in the first three minutes of the first episode. I knew he wasn't dead, not really, just comic-book dead. So I suffered through seven awful episodes to see him come back. He did. And, lo, he was as boring as my dad's socks.

There were many problems with the show. For some odd reason, earth car traffic befuddles the Inhumans. Yet, they take to skinny jeans like a second skin.

Maybe the problem was the bad guy, Maximus. Stolen from Game of Thrones, the actor pretty much reprises his "Ramsay Snow" role with a trendier haircut. Call it method acting. 

Here's the deal, though: Once the Inhumans go through a complex, mandatory process of metamorphosing ("terragenesis"), they're expected to gain special powers. If they don't, they become "human" and are sent straight to the working mines. (President Trump fully endorses this show). Maximus is supposed to be villainous because he wants to free the "normal humans" from the hellish working conditions of the mines on the moon. Black Bolt and his royal family want to keep things status quo. And they're the heroes? I'm already endorsing a Maximus-Dwayne Johnson presidential run in 2020.

There's another villain, Mordis, who is described as "death itself." Guess what? Death is like an irritating child on a long car trip. "Are we there yet?" "I'm tired." "My feet hurt." "How much longer do we have to walk through this jungle?" Yep, a truly terrifying villain.

I could go on about the wise, talking wall and other fun stuff, but let's not.

ABC had huge hopes for the show. So much so that they put the first couple episodes out in theaters to launch it. No one went. No one cared. Except for hell-raising critics which is probably why it ended up on Friday nights, the dead zone for loser TV shows.

It's been said we're living in a golden age of television. Maybe we are if you watch FX, AMC, Hulu, Netflix, Amazon, and all the other outliers.  It's just no one's bothered to tell the networks. The network heads still insist on serving up the same horrible crap they've been shoving at us for years. If they keep it up, they're bound to become as extinct as the Inhumans.

I don't like to celebrate failure. As a contributor of entertainment content, I mourn creative failure. So here's to the late, great "Inhumans!" I hoist a terragenesis cocktail toward you, ladies and inhumans!

Not quite as funny as The Inhumans, but I tried:

One click away from pants-wetting ha-ha's.