The New Anti-Covid Garden Gnome

He's everywhere, this cute lil' gnome of a doctor who's constantly warning of the perils of Covid-19, more ubiquitous than that terrifying Elf On A Shelf creature!

This wasn't always the case. In the year 2020, the Fauci gnome made rare appearances. And usually when he did, he'd look like this...

This is no longer true these days! The Fauci gnome is turning up in all sorts of places, a sorta supernatural media blitz with sound-bites falling outta his wazoo. And these days, he looks like this...

And this...

And this...

 Instead of this...

 Who can blame him?

The Fauci gnome is quoted as saying that working with Biden as opposed to Trump over Covid is "liberating." That the President actually, you know, believes in science.

Talk about setting the bar low. Science is like air. We need it to live and it's how you explain living. Duh. But I don't really want to get going on the neanderthal-like Trump troll. That old horse has been beaten to death.

But I find the Fauci gnome's liberation kinda endearing. Early on he looked absolutely stunned that Biden would listen to him. I'm reminded of how excited one of my high school acquaintances was when he found out he could smoke in college hallways back in the day. Absolutely giddy.

Which is why the Fauci gnome no longer looks like this...

Speaking of all things magical, there's a lotta weird, unnatural events transpiring in the stories to be found in my collection, Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley. Here you'll find ghosts, the devil, an underground city, a lonely Bigfoot, and much, much more! Dark humor and horror for your unease!
 

 

 

The Vaccination Quandary

Purely by luck, I got my first Covid vaccination shot last weekend! And I don't know how I feel about it!

Okay, let's back up a bit...

First of all, when I write about the vaccination quandary, it's probably not what you think. I'm definitely not an anti-vaxxer. I don't even understand those people, they don't speak my language. 

Okay, facts are facts and science is science (contrary to what the last political administration would have you believe): along with every vaccine, there will be allergic reactions. They're extremely rare, but there's always *that guy* who can't tolerate it. This is true with the flu shots as well. (At my last job, when they'd dole out flu shots, there was *that guy* who always said the flu shot made him sick; I think he just wanted the day off).

And, sure, there might be some unforeseen side-effects. Bound to happen once they rushed the vaccine out. But to me the odds are in the vaccine's favor.

Recently, I found myself in a really stupid position: arguing with an anti-vaxxer on Facebook (Einstein had it wrong; surely this is the definition of insanity). I said it's better to have, say, hair grow on your palms or grow a third eye than to die. The anti-vaxxer took me to task over this, called me dumb, said neither vaccines or masks work. (And she's calling me dumb! She went on to cry about how Kyle Rittenhouse should be freed, so I bailed, lucky to get out alive). 

Even if you don't believe in vaccines (and again...why? Because that mysterious magical voodoo called "science" says so? Or because our disgraced former numbskull-in-charge poo-poohed it? Don't make me come over there!), it's your duty as a fellow human being to help keep others safe as well. This common tenet of humanity shouldn't have to be explained. It transcends patriotism. It's about being a decent person. You know...the Golden Rule.

Yet, how many people have forgotten this. In this crazed era, everyone's hating everyone else, pointing fingers, Democrats blame Republicans and vice-versa to the point where we've got crazy factions branching out on both sides doing crazier things to out crazy each other. And to put a nice cherry on top of it, when all else fails, sue, sue, sue! It's insane (you know, like arguing with anti-vaxxers on Facebook)!

So everyone take a breath, relax. Take your damn vaccine when it's time.

Which brings me back full circle... Last Saturday, my wife volunteered to help vaccinate dental students in downtown Kansas City. It was also during a snow storm. So she let me know that they had extra vaccines since some students cancelled. 

Sold! And to quote former VP Mike Pence, "Being gay is a choice."  Wait! Sorry, sorry, sorry, wrong Pence quote! Here's the right one: "I didn't feel a thing."

At first I was giddy at receiving the vaccine. It was the beginning of the end of a year-long nightmare. But then--just like grief--various feelings ebbed and flowed. I started feeling guilty in that there are others who need the vaccine more than me, those people (like my daughter) who deal with people mask-to-mask on a daily basis. Then I started worrying about all of my unvaccinated loved ones. Then depression hit: the world didn't change. Nothing would magically right itself regarding social distancing, masking, taking precautions, simply being able to eat out in a restaurant. This was life as we knew it and we'd taken it for granted.

But, maybe, just maybe, we're getting a second chance. So, let's not blow it this time. 

While you're waiting for your vaccinations, how about taking your mind off it all for a bit with a little comedy and mystery? I'm talking Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, of course.  It'll fix you up real good.

 

The Revenge of Don Chillito!

You know, with all my recent angry posts about current politics and the state of the world, you'd think one of those posts would have been controversial, stirring people up on both sides. But just take a wild guess as to what the most controversial post I ever wrote was. Go on, take a stab... 

Yep, it was about my horrifying visit to a little Mexican restaurant dump, Don Chillito's, right here in my neighborhood. (If you'd like to read it, LOOKIE HERE. Go on...I'll wait...)

It blew up the intronets for a couple days, my most widely read article ever! Why? Because this "local institution" is inexplicably loved by crazy people. I had haters coming outta the woodwork and calling me names because I dared to detail my awful last visit there (I took my daughter and nieces to torture them because they couldn't believe it was as bad as my brother and I kept making it out to be.). I was called a "stupid, little old lady(?)" and that I had no taste and should "keep my big mouth shut" and one eerie, creepy response read like an illiterate death threat! All because of this sucky, crappy restaurant that's known for having rats run through the kitchen.

THAT'S what stirs up people. Not politics.

Hard at work to make YOU sick!

 

Well, it looks like "Don Chillito" himself has given me just one more reason to never set foot in his hell-hole again. (Note: I know that "Don Chillito" isn't the name of the owner, but I like to imagine him as a mumbly-mouthed Brando-like gangster cliche, sitting behind his row of microwaves and doling out burrito justice.) 

Get this... Don Chillito's owner has decided to ignore all COVID-19 restrictions, including mask orders! This ass-hat is quoted as saying, "I think at a time when our liberty is attacked as it is being, there comes a time where a man has to draw a line in the sand."

Spoken like a true ignorant mafioso of Mexican gastro grotesqueries. So when you order "Don's Plate" make sure to ask for a side of COVID to wash it all down with.

Look, the place has always been gross, dirty, and filthy. A guy I know who used to work there said he once saw a giant rat running across the open burrito fillings trays. 

And they have this big open trough filled with chips where everyone is encouraged to just go up and reach in. In fact, I'm pretty sure I once heard that a little girl fell into it and suffocated. Later, they found her cold,blue hand reaching out of the chip pit, clutching onto a chip. Yeah, I'm almost absolutely kinda pretty sure I'd heard that...

GROSS!

 

Anyway, people stay out of this crummy dump! If not for the sake of your taste buds, then do it to save your life! Jeeze, guess what they're gonna do to good ol' Don Chillito if the city finds him in violation of the mask order (of which he definitely is)? They'll slap him with a hundred dollar fine and let him go on with his business! That's nothing! Don can make that money back in five minutes by slinging crappy burritos to unwitting rubes. Might even sneeze on their food, too, for good measure. 'Cause he's a patriot, by cracky!

The Don of Disgusting Dinners goes on about drawing a line in the sand because he's a man and all that hooey (Gee, who does this sound like, folks?). His claim our liberty is being attacked is downright ludicrous.

Whatever, Don, whatever... If you were truly a patriot, then you'd be wearing a mask to protect your fellow citizens. It's everyone's duty to protect one another. Golden rule time and what not.

Gets my back up. However, there is a silver lining...in the same article, the Don is quoted as saying, if the city takes him to court over this, he might just close the doors.

Halleluhjah! Take your burritos, Don, and go home! Ding Dong, the Don is dead!

Speaking of things that should be dead, maybe it's time to check out (and into) my horror, thriller, mystery what's-it, Dread and Breakfast.  Sometimes, "dead" is just a state of mind. 

 

Scariest Halloween EVER!

Boo! Boils and ghouls, I didn't mean to scare you with the photo! BOO! Ha, did it again. Gotcha! Sorry. 

But I'm scared, too.

We're a couple days away from the election that will definitely change history one way or another and I'd be reticent if I didn't say something. I might make a few haters along the way, but that's okay, certainly nothing new. 

I'd love to get back to the day when people can enjoy political debates with family and friends. Remember when it was sorta fun, even healthy?

Last week's presidential debate was actually--to my surprise--pretty much a real debate. Clearly, President Trump listened to his advisors and calmed down, got off the steroids and power drinks, and only several times blew his orange top. An early Christmas miracle!

I can talk about all of the "fake news (Trump's favorite term when anything doesn't go his way)" facts  (ahem!) President Trump cited (i.e., lies). Or I can talk about the creepy way he didn't address the camera/the viewers. Perhaps I could mention how he avoids, dodges, ducks, deflects into defense regarding Big Questions. But I'm not. 

I've already lost one friend over this stupidity. I'm sick of it.

What I will say is Trump's handling of COVID-19 was (and is) negligent at best. It's been widely documented that he chose to ignore it, was quoted as saying, "I don't want to cause panic."

Bully for him. And bullshit to him for downplaying it even after he was diagnosed with it. Not every person can afford a million dollars worth of the best doctors and medicine. And he unbelievably wants to do away with medical insurance for those with pre-existing conditions. Probably not the best time, Mr. President.

Why doesn't Trump ask anyone who's lost a loved one to COVID what they think of his marginalization of the many, many--too very many--deaths? Especially when if handled early and properly, many lives could have been saved.

COVID-19 doesn't really wake you up until it's personal. In the early days, I thought, "sure, I'll wear a mask, I'll be fine, we'll weather through it." That's simply not the case.

Every day, I worry about my wife, a teacher. She deals with students. A warrior. Still okay, knock on wood.

But at least twelve people I care about have been knocked down by this awful disease and the tally's increasing. One of my best friends is still struggling with it after many months. My daughter's dear, sweet, generous friend went from being diagnosed with COVID to dying within a week. 

Yet, there's Trump out there negating Dr. Fauci's advice, saying he's "a nice guy, but doesn't know what he's talking about." Calling him an "idiot," despite being the foremost contagious disease expert in the country who happens to be on Trump's "support team," but, hey, let's not nit-pick.

Lately, Trump's been out campaigning (understandable), but his rallies are not safe havens (not acceptable). "Super spreader events," some pundits call them. During one such groovy happening in Nebraska two days ago, people gathered via bus to listen to our president rant (and, I hope, danced again to the Village People. Only thing that could've made that better is if Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani, and Mitch McConnell would've joined him in full VP garb.) People were apparently stranded afterward in freezing temps, the buses not able to keep up. Many were hospitalized for "various reasons."

Glad someone's happy.

Please understand Biden's not my ideal president. President Bartlett from "The West Wing" is. But since Bartlett's a fictional character, I'll take the only other choice who won't lead us further into despair and death and fear and hatred and racism and deficit.

Golly.

Is it to much to ask for a president who acts, you know, slightly presidential? How about a president who doesn't constantly bully, induce fear, and divide the country further with border-line racism? Or maybe a president who doesn't mock impaired people or insult those brave men and women who've fallen in the line of duty while serving their country? Someone who doesn't have a slew of sexual assault/harassment allegations against him? Perhaps a president who's more interested in serving the public instead of lining his pockets with more money? Wouldn't that be a nice change of pace. 

Ooh! I got it! How about a leader who doesn't spit all over democracy? Hey, anyone who doesn't have as grating of a screaming voice (and has anyone ever seen our president less than angry? SOOOO honorable) worse than Adam Sandler's affected "funny" voices while gargling broken glass is a step up, I kinda think. 

After passing another tax break bill to the rich, this is the president who was quoted as saying (at a dinner party), "I just made you all more rich." 

I know some people will vote for Trump because they're against abortion and that's what Republicans support. If pro-life is your belief, stand by it. Stay solid, don't back down, more power to you, that's what our country stands for. But consider this...um, how many abortions do you think Trump might have been responsible for given his penchant for porn stars and Russian hookers? 

Kanye would be better than four more years of this guy.

I remember thinking that we'd never again elect a worse president than George W's reign of dimwittedness and neglect. Man, was I dumb.

Guys, this is worse than depressing, the current state of "politics" is running our country into the ground.

But I'm an American. If the outcome next Tuesday is not what I'd prefer? I'll still support it, that's what our country does. That's what Democracy is supposed to be about. Look it up. (Trump didn't, apparently skipped school that day.)

Alright, I'm done now. No matter how the election turns out, I won't revisit the awful topic of politics again. 

But...VOTE. Vote like the wind! Vote your arses off! Make a difference either way you lean! Despite the electoral college ridiculousness, let's make a difference.

Hey, happy Halloween, boo!

 

Meeting the Pandemic Part-Way...

Well, we all want this damn pandemic over with, that's something everyone can agree upon. Everyday I hope scientists discover a vaccine so the suffering of victims and their loved ones can end. And I would hope the day-to-day fear everyone has just by going out and getting groceries comes to a conclusion.

Months ago, I thought the situation was just untenable, near hopeless. I couldn't envision a world where we had to wear masks and even those weren't fool-proof protection. But we've managed so far. Even though there are other factors (*ahem*, I'm looking at you NOTUS {the Numbskull of the United States}) going on in our world trying to thwart the best efforts to stop the spread of covid 19.

Not too long ago, I woke up for the first time in a mellow sort of acceptance state. It is what it is. Time to pull up my big boy britches and carry on, hampered by masks or whatever, let's show 'em that gung-ho, never-say-never, can-do spirit! How did this happen?

It wasn't a sudden epiphany or revelation or premonition or visitation from Joseph Smith or an anal probe by aliens or anything. No, the night before I'd had a dream, business as usual, except everyone was in masks. And the masks weren't the point of the dream, nothing out of the ordinary. The pandemic was the new normal.

People are resilient. I think everyone's tackling this pandemic on their own terms, generally going through variations of the six stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, day-drinking, and finally, acceptance. I know I did.

I'm not happy about it, but let's buck up and carry on. Particularly with masks.

And I applaud the creativity that's coming out in certain areas, making the most of what it is. I've seen a lotta great masks. My daughter, for instance, has taken up the doggy mask. 

My daughter's fave mask.

I've seen people accessorizing their masks to match their outfits. Creativity is soaring!

But about those masks... People, don't make me repeat myself: WEAR YOUR DAMN MASKS OVER YOUR NOSES! It doesn't do you--or us--any good if you don't. The nose allows things in and out too, you know. I don't know how many times I've seen ruddy-faced guys with masks nestled below their noses, their nostrils pluming like a charging rhinoceros with asthma. Geeze, I can't believe I even have to say this. Pretty soon, I'm gonna start hitting people up and telling them to yank it up (of course, then I'll have to yank myself up off the ground; have you SEEN the size of these guys?).

And stop listening to our wondrous president. These days Trump's preaching that people should not wear masks. Recently, NOTUS attempted to bully a reporter into taking his mask off. Trump's rage rallies are full of maskless buffoons (thanks for the thousands of new cases, commander-in-chump!), as he preens onstage like an orange peacock, calling people names and bragging about what a genius he is because he could name a lion on a cognitive test. It wasn't too long ago Trump said wearing a mask was patriotic. But whaddaya expect from a guy who changes his mind by the minute.

My preferred mask (even though my wife is afraid for me to wear it in public. I say, "Bring it, fascist cretins!" (Of course, that's before I get beat up in a grocery store.)

 

Anyway, hang in there folks. This week, I took real enlightenment from something my neighbor said--"You know, living through the pandemic may well make today's kids smarter, more adaptable, and more empathetic."." Talk about finding a silver lining. I'll take it.

Crime in our Time of Quarantine

The other day my wife tore herself away from perusing the latest electronic headlines with a gasp. "I can't believe it," she said.

Used to our president's daily cup of lunacy, I sighed, replied, "What's he done now?"

"No, for once it's not him," she said with a head shake. "Even during this pandemic, people are still shooting each other."

My wife is one of the last truly noble idealists. 

But I'm not. It all made perfect sense to me. It took all of my control not to go over there, muss up her hair, and give a Mr. Cleaver condescending "don't-worry-your-pretty-lil-head, June" chuckle over it all. (But I knew better...besides, now would be the absolute WORST time to end up in the hospital with a head concussion.)

For you see, an increase in crime during the quarantine makes perfect sense to me.

I ticked off the reasons. "Law enforcement is thinly stretched and I would imagine taking precautions themselves, thus hindering their ability to perform to the best of their abilities. Also, since most employees are at home now, places are ripe to be robbed. Crooks can just break into a bank, no security guards, no risk of getting shot. And criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot...wait, that's "Batman"...I mean, crooks are predators."

As she thought about it, I could see her unflagging faith in the over-all goodness of humanity dim a bit. "Yeah...I suppose. And with everyone wearing masks, it's harder to identify them. Plus, they have an excuse to wear gloves, so no fingerprints."

(If my wife ever decided to go over to the dark side, she'd make a great criminal mastermind with her devious mind.)

Further case in point, recently my daughter sent me a list of scams taking advantage of the ongoing pandemic. There are stimulus check scams: these scumbags are asking for bank and personal information or even going as far as to ask for a fee! Honestly, unless your personal check has the Orange One's personal signature on it (along with an accompanying orange Dorito make-up thumb-print), it ain't kosher.

Scammers are also imitating health organizations and selling fake supplies and/or once again, asking for personal financial information. There are charity scams, hospital and provider scams, the list goes on and on.

This is truly vile and reprehensible behavior. I mean, daring and ingenious heists are one thing, but this? Taking advantage of a world's collective fear is beyond even an Ocean's 11 type of starry-eyed, Hollywood-styled romance.

I've even heard fear-mongers discussing the possibility of the United States adversaries taking advantage of our vulnerability during this time.

America's leadership isn't helping. Our commander-in-chief is so busy covering his own arse, he's creating his self-created "fake news" by making up stories daily and pointing fingers at everyone except for himself, blaming the virus on China, Democrats, Obama, journalists, and...oh, I dunno...the movie Cats, maybe?

Enough! White flag waving! 

On the other hand, I hear a lot about the generosity of many people from all walks of life. Millionaires donating scads of money (hear that, Trump?). Poor people volunteering to help. Communities coming together, supporting, and helping to bring food to the elderly. People are lining up in the streets (taking necessary precautions, natch) and applauding the brave health-care givers at the ends of grueling shifts. Likewise, this list of kindness goes on and on.

Maybe my wife has the right idea after all.

Be safe. More importantly, be kind.

(Week five of captivity and bored outta my gourd! Who woulda ever thought eating, drinking, and binging Netflix could get so boring? Somebody take Tiger King...please!)

Everyone's New Favorite Hobby: Voyeurism!

In the great 'tine of 2020, I would imagine I'm not the only one who's taken up the fine art of what I like to call watching the neighbors. However, my wife refers to it as spying or worse, voyeurism.

Let me clarify something... I've pretty much been a voyeur for the last eight years, the length of time I've been working from home. Nothing happens in my 'hood without me knowing about it. And I've seen some really interesting things. There was the goth daughter of "Captain America" who used to secretly smoke at the back of the house. One day I waved at her and she flew into full-on panic mode. (Like I'd ever rat her out to "Captain America". Couldn't stand the guy with his outdoor Neil Diamond sing-alongs and grill daddying.)

There was the ludicrous neighbor who used to take his beer cans into the street, spread 'em out, then drive back and forth over them in his pick-'em-up truck. Keep in mind this was before recycling. His huge-ass grin kinda explained it all.

Then there was the huge-ass blow-out I witnessed (aurally, not visually) by the neighbors catty-corner to the back of our house. The husband came home midday to find his wife in the arms of another man. Things got heated and loud. And I scribbled down notes, fodder for a future book.

Of course I wrote an entire book about the weird, mysterious and rude neighbors across the street, Neighborhood Watch. You'll have to read it to find out their story. (Coda: after the book came out, the dreaded neighbors packed up in the middle of the night and left, leaving behind all of their belongings. No one knows why and no one's seen nor heard from them again.)

Now everyone's catching up to my hobby, including my wife. While she's not really people watching, she is spending time looking out the upstairs window. In the past, we've had quite a few varmints pass through our Kansas suburban backyard in the past: a great granddaddy of opossums who liked to stay out all night and crawl beneath our deck in the mornings; squirrels that attack by throwing acorns when we leave the house; birds who just love to use my car and deck for target practice; bunnies (my wife's bane) who devour the garden; and a mysterious creature that leaves huge piles of scat at the bottom of our walk-out basement (a bear, gotta be a bear, based on the size of the pile. One with a sense of mischievous humor).

But I digress. Last week, my wife's in her upstairs office, supposedly working, but in actuality gazing out the window into the neighbor's yard. She pounds down the stairs and in a hushed voice, tells me to come quickly. In the neighbor's yard sat a large, horned owl. Just hanging out in a tree staring at us. Tossing some of that voyeurism right back our way. And if you've ever had a stare-down with an owl (with those large terrifying, unblinking orbs of eyes), it's no contest which species always wins.

And a lil white baby owl!

Stranger yet, it's broad daylight. A portentous omen? A sign of luck? Or one goofy owl who can't tell time.

Anyway, my wife claims there was a smaller one hanging out with it earlier, but I never saw the two. Just that big large dude with the unblinking gaze into my soul.

What's the point of all of this? I dunno. Maybe nature's looking right back at us during the 2020 'tine.

But in lock-down, there's not a whole lot else to do. Who would have ever imagined watching movies, reading books, drinking beer, and overeating would ever get boring? 

I've read we're supposed to shut off the idiot box and take up a hobby. Enjoy real life. Enjoy the outdoors.

That's what I'm doing! Enjoying "real life" and the outdoors through the wide-screen bay window of my house! MUCH better than TV. (Pass the popcorn and crack open the beer! I'm not sure I recognize that new car in front of the randy nurses' house!).

Week four of captivity...

Stay safe.

Trump's Feel-Good, Down-Home, Ol'-Fashioned Remedy!

"Step right up, ladies and germs (wait, too soon?) for Donald Trump's amazing fix-it, feel-good, down-home remedy for curing that nasty ol' virus! Yes, sir, one small glass of this amazing concoction will do you up right, made you whole again! Better than snake oil, more effective than leeches, I'm talkin' a' course about Donald Trump's Lysol! Who would like to sample just a taste of this do-it-all miracle drink? How 'bout you, sir? No? What about you, madam? It's gonna be...great. It's gonna be...fantastic."

Okay, you get the idea. Yep, our president made the colossally bone-headed, extremely dangerous, absolutely unfounded, foot-in-mouth recommendation that we start injecting disinfectants. By Trump's clearly scientific standards, this means meth addicts have already got a foot up in the fight against COVID 19.

Wow, just...wow. Thank God Clorox, Lysol and other corporate Gods stepped up quickly and told everyone to not do what the president suggested.

But Trump's got his followers (although, really? Still?), so it's no surprise there was a huge uptick in sales of major disinfectants following Trump's suggestion. But, oh what a fickle world politics is, Trump has now turned his back on his Trumpites and refused to accept responsibility for the surge in popularity of disinfectants. There hasn't been a clear number of fatalities due to this major Trumplosion, but I'm sure they've occurred.

Backpedal, Trump, backpedal like the wind! Now he says it was "sarcasm." Hmmm...didn't sound like it to me. And even if it was meant to be sarcastic, I'm kinda thinking what you all are: sarcasm is exactly what I look for in a leader, right?

Trump's cabinet members (Fox newscasters?) have warned him to stop going off page with his shoot first, duck later comments. How'd he respond? "Fine, these briefings are a big waste of time anyway. I'm taking my disinfectants and going home!"

Ooh. How so...so...*swoon*...presidential.

I'm reminded of two people: 1) the aforementioned snake oil salesman; 2) the late (not so great) Reverend Jim Jones. As everyone (excluding some millenials--Hey, it's sarcasm!) knows, Jones was a crazy-ass religious zealot in the jungle of Guyana who coerced 909 followers to drink the poison Kool-Aid. Sound familiar?

But what do I know? To try to make some sense of the post-Trump world, I took it out on my characters and stories in my collection, Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley. Things get kooky (but I'm kinda thinking "kooky" is the new "normal").