Hi. My name's Stuart and I'm a "Mansplainer."
Everybody: "Hi, Stuart!"
First time I heard the term "Mansplaining," I immediately thought it
meant shaving your genital hair. Thankfully, I learned more about the
term (thanks to a very helpful man; I kid, don't hate!).
I don't really consider myself a mansplainer, but my wife has accused me of that. Last weekend, a neighborhood woman was searching for her lost dog. Earlier, I had unsuccessfully tried to lure it into my backyard with a sausage. So, when I saw the woman go buy a third time (this time with that little brat, Bailey, in her arms), I tossed the door open and told her my daughter's dog likewise keeps digging out. Furthermore, I went on to tell her how we intended to fix the issue with chicken-wire (my wife's idea, natch).
When I closed the door, my wife said, "Way to mansplain, dear."
Okay, I know we live in a new enlightened era, the MeToo sitch should never have been necessary, I consider myself a feminist, my wife wears the tool-belt in the family, yadda, yadda, yadda. But if I have some beneficial information to share, I'm going to. It's called being a decent person regardless of who you deliver the information to. It's just the way I was brought up, after all. (On the other hand, my parents brought me up in a house of racism, so there is that).
I don't care who explains things to me as long as I find it beneficial. So, bring it on ladies and gents, explain, explain like the wind.
Now there is the argument that this sort of behavior is inherent in males; we feel compelled to "help" and "explain" things, particularly to women. Movies and culture and upbringing have bred that into us. The term "damsel in distress" may've been railroaded after the '30's, but it's still heavily branded onto every man's brain.
But, where is the line drawn? If one of those retired handymen at the hardware store wants to explain the difference in tools to a woman is he doing his job or (gasp) mansplaining?
Frankly, I get thrilled over the rare occasion I can explain something to my wife with authority. Certain sense of virility about it. Having said that, our marriage is a different one. I'm the expert on the truly important stuff such as movies and music. My wife draws on her infinite wealth of knowledge to "femalexplain" things to me about hardware and tools and, you know, all the useful junk in life.
Over the last year, we've been "rejuvenating" my daughter's new house. Basically I'm just "tool candy." Wait, that's not obscene as it sounds. I mean, my bad-ass wife operates crazy, dangerous saws while I try to steady things.
She explains it along the way...
"Bead board goes along the walls after we put down the base-board, then quarter-round seals the deal, then we caulk, and then we..."
On and on it goes, a whole new education. Is she guilty of "Femalexplaining?" Is there such a thing?
Furthermore, here's a real philosophical stumper for you, right up there with that poor incontinent bear in the woods: Is explaining "Mansplaining," the ultimate in Mansplaining?
It makes my man-head hurt.
Look, take pity on us, the downtrodden, middle-aged, privileged, white males. Why, we've never had it so tough, being an unprotected group of people in today's modern...um... Wait, it's beginning to sound like a Trump rally up in here.
Never mind.
Speaking of "downtrodden, middle-aged, privileged, white males," did you hear the story about what happens when such a man wakes up to find himself now a Middle Easterner? No? It's just one of the tales in my short horror collection, Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley, a book written in anger after the last presidential election. Let's make America great again! Hell, yeah! Start by buying my book! Damn straight! Yeah!
Anyone
who knows me understands the odd entertainment value I derive from crappy old
movies. But I've been reconsidering that hobby. Recently, I watched a couple of
old '80's teen comedies.
Bros being bros, yo! Fist bumps, beer bongs!
Just joshing around! Ripping off unwilling females' clothing for yoks!
Getting chicks drunk and taking advantage of them while they're passed
out! Dude! Hilarity ensues!
The
behavior on display from some of these cinematic so-called "heroes" is equivalent to rape. Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
Back in the day, I thought Animal House was one of the funniest films ever made. (So much so, I even sent my parents to see it. WHAT was I thinking? Good God. But I digress...) There's a drunken date rape scene played for yoks.
Of course, the problem goes back even farther. Recently, my wife and I watched a '40's film, Mildred Pierce.
The heroine acted like she had no say in the matter while suitors
kissed, bossed, abused, and raped her (subtle in the '40's, but it's
there). And she didn't have a say. With nowhere to go, no sense of self-worth,
everything socially learned and reinforced, she was boxed in by men's sexist, antiquated rules.
Men were brought up on these movies, the lesson being: Hey, this behavior is admirable. And women had to put up with this awful behavior from men behaving badly, too, not much alternative in the way of female entertainment. A sad case of cinema trickling into--even forming--life.
Maybe I'm part of the problem.
In high school, I was unpopular. (I hear you all gasping.) I was SO unpopular I was unaware of the extent of sexual predators
walking my high school halls. I had no female friends. The few male friends I had participated in the usual locker room
boasting and shoulder punching and joshing and bragging about female
conquests soon discarded. Even though inexperienced in the entire
realm of sex, even dating, I just laughed along, wondered what it'd be like to be a "playah." I wanted to fit in.
Of
course I never did. Fit in, that is. But I also didn't realize the only male behavior I witnessed was appalling. When
you have no control group to base experiences on-- except for what you're
told and learn all your short life--you pretty much accept what you
know as the standard to live by.
When life lessons coming from your parents stretch to nonexistent or break down or are filled with half-truths, you turn to your friends. And when their behavior proves confusing, you gravitate toward movies for role models.
Entertainment's not the only offender, of course. These stone-age beliefs have been perpetuated through
education, religion, and social standards since
the beginning of time. By men, of course.
Despite the blatant messages hammered into us by ignorant beliefs of the past, I'd
like to think there's some human decency inherent in all of us. Some inner
censor that forms proper decisions--overuling popular entertainment, prejudices, stereotypes, beliefs, or a
collective unconscious--and lets people, young and old
and in power (and our current president's behavior certainly sends the
wrong message) realize that sexual harassment, and
especially, rape, is absolutely wrong. Honestly, there shouldn't be any doubt.
The offenders need to own, accept and pay. And, for the love of God, stop.
