The Monolith Martians

I would like to formally give the alien species behind the suddenly appearing and disappearing monoliths my most gracious thanks for giving us something to talk about other than the pandemic and Trump. So...thank you, lil' green men! (Of course if these monoliths are an early precursor to a world take-over, than I retract my thanks and say, "Don't forget to wear your masks 'cause now's not the best time for an alien invasion. Come back next spring for best results.")

Everyone knows about the monoliths, right? If not, a Cliff's Notes styled recap is supplied: in the red rock desert of eastern Utah, a mysterious 9 foot tall steel monolith appeared embedded into the ground. Days later, it mysteriously vanished. Then a second, similar monolith was found in the mountains of Romania. It too has disappeared.

This is...awesome. I'm stoked about this. No rhyme, no reason, all fun, something that's been missing in the news lately. I'd like to think creepy bug-eyed aliens (and if this is true, fellas, I apologize and mean no insult, so don't space blast my ass, please) are behind this fun diversion. My childhood dream come true. Maybe the aliens are punking us, having a good laugh at our expense. Maybe it's their overture to meet their idol, Trump. Or just maybe, these monoliths represent something of immeasurable depth and meaning.

However, there's always a spoil-sport in the bunch. Couple days ago, a Utah photographer claims he witnessed and took photos of a group of men approaching the monolith, then destroying it. One guy purportedly said, "Leave no evidence behind."

BOOOOOOO! Don't pee on my parade, mister! Give us this brief moment of wonderful imagination and expansiveness that we haven't known in the is-it-over-yet year of 2020. Don't be one of those guys!

But he seems to be dead-set on his conspiracy theory. I gotta say, though, his story sounds kinda hinky to me. First of all, where is this photographic evidence of the secret society of monolith destroying men? Did it get lost in the mail along with the evidence against Hunter Biden?

Okay, whatever. In all honesty, this is my second favorite theory, so I'll take it. I mean, who doesn't love to get behind a top-secret cabal of mystery men installing and then destroying  a couple of monoliths? To what nefarious ends? Some sort of secret weapons testing? Or maybe they're developing the ultimate in television streaming hardware.

There have been lotsa crackpot theories, for sure (I'm looking at you, 2020). So in the spirit of our times, let me lob another one out there: the monoliths are God's thermometers. Worried about how sickly Mother Earth is, God has inserted two thermometers (rectally and orally--different sides of our planet) to gauge why Mother Earth has been so sickly in 2020. Or something. 

God help me, I'd kinda like to even hear Trump's theory about the monoliths.

Or maybe...just maybe Stanley Kubrick's mind-mess of a film, "2001, a Space Odyssey," was prophetic. The monoliths portend the further evolution of humankind. Seems like we sorta need to evolve the hell outta 2020.

While we're chatting about evolution, why not give my horror/mystery/dark comedy, Corporate Wolf, a read? Putting the EVIL in EVILution, so you don't have to.

 

New Breed Sighting: The Human Whale!

Recently, spectators caught sight of this bizarre, tireless creature outside of President Trump's golf course, spouting air through its blowhole onto the frail humans walking beside him! A new species is born!

Okay, you guys have probably read the story of this goofball and what he's up to: protesting the protesters who're protesting... something or other. Honestly, I can't keep track of all of the protesting going on anymore. I need a murder board to keep it all straight. I'm not gonna trot out what any of the protesters are protesting at this particular venue, needless to say it's gonna piss off half the U.S. population one way or the other.

It's all so...tired. Aren't you guys exhausted? Both political sides have displayed poor extremist behavior and are embarrassing their respective parties. I'm not gonna exclude myself from name-calling, getting angry, and pointing fingers in the past. But I'm done.

So...let's talk about the important matters here: first...this guy's style. Just look at his spectacular form, letting it all hang out, apparently never exhausting his copious amount of oxygen (as an ex-smoker, there's no way I could've maintained his stamina without passing out), not once caring how foolish he looks. I gotta give the guy props for that, at least. And, oh! His perfectly round blowhole is something to be envied (by someone, somewhere, I'm fairly sure).

Obviously, this idiot could be a carrier of coronavirus and not have symptoms, so I'm glad they charged him. (Thus further cementing my thought that not only does 2020 suck, but now it blows, too.) 

But what about the precedent this guy is setting? Particularly for the future and laws relating to such similar crimes? I mean, he was arrested for misdemeanor assault after all.

How in the world could this be proven in court?

For instance...

Matlock (espousing his cracker-barrel philosophy): "Your honor, it's a travesty, just a travesty, I say, that my client is even being charged with this laughable perceived 'crime'."

Opposing Counsel: "Objection, your honor, the defendant is clearly shown in photographic evidence breathing on the victims! He obviously--"

Matlock: "Did you just take a breath there, Mr. Opposing Counsel? I swan I saw you do such a thing. Your honor, isn't breathin' just a natural body function? I know I'm sure as shootin' glad I'm still breathin'."

Judge (smiling and chuckling): "I'll allow Mr. Matlock to say anything just as long as he keeps speaking in that warm, down-home drawl." (Aims puppy dog eyes at Matlock.)

See what I mean? This is setting a terrible precedent for legal cases in 2021 and beyond. Don't the courts have more important things to be dealing with like...oh...wait, scratch that example.

Here, try another scenario:

(Cue an All-American Family in a car.)

Little Suzie: "Daaaaad! Billy just breathed on me! Gah!"

Little Billy: "Did not, did not, did not, did not, did not, did--"

Dad (red-faced with veins bulging out of his forehead): "Gawd dammit, Billy, quit breathing! Don't MAKE me come back there!"

Not a pretty future, is it?

Nothing's certainly been pretty in the last couple months or so. My retinas have been permanently scarred by so-called "news" outlets releasing revolting photos (thus making the National Enquirer the class-act news outlet on the block now). There's the aforementioned Human Whale. 

How about Trump dancing to the Village People's song "Y.M.C.A" (and I still find it outrageous that no one in Trump's cabinet had the testicular fortitude to tell the guy what that song was really about)? There was Mitch McConnell's awful close-ups of his white, black, pink, and purple appearance (I almost felt sorry for the guy. On second thought...nahhhhhh.). 

And finally Giuliani's infamous double-whammy with his "acting" debut in Borat 2, followed by the manic-looking photo where his head bled down upon him exacting revenge.

 (Looks at clock. Checks calendar.) Hurry up, 2021!

While we're waiting for this ghastly year to come to a sluggish stop, how about entertaining yourself with my ghastly horror collection, Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley? Lots of horror and laughs guaranteed to take your mind off the horror and laughs of 2020.

 

The (So-Called) Political Race Drags On...

Four days and still counting the votes! Agghhhh! I want this crap over with. This election--the divisiveness, the anger and animosity toward our fellow citizens--has gone on long enough. I'd very much like it to stop.

The entire ramped-up country trauma has been going on for too long. Guess I hadn't realized it as much until the last four years, but in all fairness, the problem's been going on for a lot longer than that. It's just now been pushed to the forefront.

I'm worried about America's future, gang. And I'm not putting it all down to the silly presidential race. I'm talking about everyone in general. When this election finally--FINALLY--gets decided, will we continue on a downward spiral into racism and seething anger toward our neighbors? Or will we slowly heal, bolstered by (I hope) a vaccine for Covid-19?

I dunno. My great sis-in-law posted on Facebook, "Hey, when is the good luck from those black-eyed peas we ate on New Year's Eve 2020 gonna' kick in?" (Naturally, I gave a smart-assed reply which is helpful to no one and said, "2027. Like gum, black-eyed peas takes seven years to digest." Kinda hope I'm not a prophet.)

Our neighbors, the new kids on the block, had the right idea. On election day, they left notes on every door on the street about how tensions are high, tonight's gonna be long, but let's continue to be kind to everyone in the 'hood. Come over to party. Agreed I did. Hammered I got. (Socially distancing outside, natch). The intelligent way to handle election "night."

So much of this is unprecedented. And I'm damn tired of checking my computer every thirty minutes hoping for some kind of movement. Even if the results don't turn out to be what I want, I just want closure. As an American, I'll accept whatever. But my addled brain and nerves have been dangerous, yet inert live wires for four days now.

Of course, if President Trump loses, he's threatening he won't take defeat lightly, fighting it until January. Great! Much hilarity will ensue! Or he still could win and then brag about it to the stars. 

Sigh...

Aren't you all just...exhausted? 

Lately, my wife and I have been seeking solace in the TV show, "The West Wing" on Netflix. But even that seems like too much politics now.

I think I'll take up taxidermy, an uplifting hobby, certain to boost my spirits, one that's not at all creepy.

Okay, sorry. This is written Thursday night at midnight and I promised not to do another political rant, but...c'mon, guys! Politicians are supposed to be serving the American people, not torturing them!

Good night and God bless us one and all (oh, and you, too, Tiny Tim, as long as you're white, privileged, definitely male, and not any of that nonsensical other non binary gender nonsense. Sorry, sorry, a thousand sorries...but if our president can speak "sarcastically," hey, so can one of his lowly constituents.)