The Last, Worstest Nightmare Ever

Congratulations, America! You've elected an insane, mind-mushed, power-hungry, lying, raping, racist, convicted felon as the leader of our country! Yay! And he's got unlimited power, thanks to you, the American people, and his allies, the Supreme Court! Huzzah! 

I've been playing Chicken Little for some time now, while others around me have been saying "no way Trump's gonna win." But I knew it. Felt it in my craw (what exactly IS a craw?) like an annoying, persistent case of poison ivy. Or V.D., a more apt comparison.

Still, it's mind-boggling that some jackass could win the presidency on the "Stay Outta Prison" campaign.

Yep, it's the worstest nightmare, but somewhat inevitable, too, I suppose. Had Trump not won, it would not have been over, not by a long shot. This guy would've been crying "cheat!" for another endless four years. Wash, rinse, repeat, sigh.

Even though I suspected this tragic outcome, it still baffles me that anyone would have voted for him. Aren't you guys tired of him yet? Even when not president, the orange one dominated headlines over the past four years. He just. WON'T. SHUT. UP.

I have to take it, though, that's what America's all about. I guess. Even though Trump has blatantly said he's just going to be president to the MAGA worshippers, I still have to accept our country's decision.

And, gee, it's just been a couple of weeks, he's not even acting president yet, but let's look at some of his stellar accomplishments so far... hmmm... well...

Oh! Matt Gaetz has been picked as attorney general. Clearly, he's the right guy for the job as he's an alleged child sex trafficker. This just gets better and better!

Let's see...okay! We have a covid denier and an anti-vaxxer, please welcome RFK, Jr., the obvious perfect candidate for Secretary of Health.

Secretary of Defense? A natural! Pete Hegseth, of course, a Fox news commentator who's been accused of sexual assault, a fine choice.

The list goes on and on, a veritable clown car of MAGA acolytes and ass-kissers and billionaire buddies with no experience.

You guys asked for it. Now you're gonna get it. (My wife has a new slogan: "Let's make politics boring again!")

The title of this blog post is "The Last, Worstest Nightmare Ever." Why is it the "last?" Because the next four years could truly be apocalyptic. But, also, it's the last time (at least for the foreseeable future) that I'm going to rant about Trump. I give up. I concede.

How am I choosing to go forward? By ignoring the news. For eight years, I've been on the edge of my seat regarding Trump and his cronies' antics, hoping they would end. No such luck. So I'm going back to being blissfully ignorant. I was happier back in the day, when politics (or what passes as "politics") didn't bother me. I've heard what Trump says, read what he thinks, know what he's capable of doing, no need to doomscroll through it all over again. Until he blows up the world, it's no matter to me.

Last week, I got in an argument with a friend. I ended it by saying "fine, you just go on your merry way with your raping, racist president." After a long moment's silence, she says, "he's not a racist...he's NOT a racist."

Ain't it funny how she didn't negate his rapiness? As has over half our country? They're treating his rape allegations like a "character flaw."

And everyone I know who voted for Trump, always prefaces their choice by saying, "I don't like Trump. He's kind of a jerk. But, hellz yeah, I'm voting for him."

Huh.

How does that even make sense?

Whatever.

I'm done. Welcome to the new world.

Peace out!

Appearance, Personal Hygiene and You!

Appearance is everything, boys and girls. You never know when you may be out in public or appear on the news. So, for a happier and healthier lifestyle, take pride in your personal appearance!

For instance, take special note of the care I put into my appearance at this crucial election time. Sure, my wife says I'm gonna get the crap kicked outta me, particularly living in Kansas, but it's something I take great pride in. I wear this mask everywhere I go: grocery stores, liquor stores, on walks through the neighborhood, leisurely strolls through local Klan gatherings...

It's all about appearance, Mr. and Mrs. Young America! Gramma always used to tell me to be sure to put on clean underwear because you never know when you might die.

Well, A) that's a really disturbing thing for your Gramma to tell you as an impressionable young tyke; and B) it's really kinda stupid. Many people who die--especially in shocking, sudden, blunt trauma methods--fill their shorts as a final parting shot.

But never mind that! Gramma always knew best (even while hurling racist diatribes at the TV box and her stories)! So, it's important to always wear clean undergarments.

As another example, I harken back to the unexpected time when I had two detectives and all four local news networks banging on my front door. For  an hour-and-a-half that day, I had much more than twenty minutes of Warholian fame. I was the star sound-bite guy to beat.

The detectives weren't very forthcoming with information, just wanted to know what I could tell them about the twin women who lived next door (FACT! I didn't even know the women were twins until I ran into both of them at the grocery store together, and this after I'd been having--what I'd presumed--conversations with one woman over the fence for several years). What I told the detectives wasn't much; what they told me in return was absolutely nothing. I asked if the women were in trouble. One of the rude detectives laughed, shook her head, and walked off.

Later on, before my First Big TV Interview, the reporter (whom I reminded I had done shots with at a downtown bar many years ago; she just rolled her eyes and said, "yeah, that sounds like me.") filled me in. The twins had committed double suicide. It stunned me, and it shows in my kinda lackadaisical interviews. Then the rest of the film-crews came racing to find me. After my second interview, I locked the door, hunkered in and didn't answer the rest of the incessant door ringers (while my daughter kept watch from behind the front curtain).

But here's where appearance is important, boys and girls! Note the huge, glaring third eye I'm sporting in my interview! No one, and I mean NO ONE, wants to see that on their fancy, shmancy big-screen TV's.

One of my awesome bro-in-laws has the right idea; he says every time the TV weather crews come around when there's a tornado sighting, he slips on his Tweety sweatpants and "Who Farted?" T-Shirt, and goes outside hoping for his twenty minutes in the limelight.

That's why I have my "I Pooped Today!" T-Shirt standing by, boys and girls! Hanging in the foyer! Appearance is everything!

Back to the appearance my current mask is projecting: the running tally is nine positive comments, a crap-load of stares and double-takes, and a whole lot of menacing glares, always from the same type of person (see example below). So far, no bodily damage or hurt. But everywhere I go, I'm sporting my mask and clean underwear, doubling down before this crucial election.

I'm not gonna waste time and rant about who I feel you should vote for (as usual, I'm not excited about either candidate, but I do despise one over the other), because it's a colossal waste of time, especially with how divided we've become over the past four years. (Sigh... I remember when political debate among friends was healthy and fun! Oh, the golden years...) But. It's important to VOTE! VOTE, people, vote like the wind! (And wear clean underwear).

This has been a Public Service Announcement sponsored by the Underwear Manufacturers of the World.