Taylor Swift: Psy-Op Agent for Socialism!

Bigger than Elvis! More powerful than Oprah! Charging dupes a single ticket price able to aid third-world countries! And with more masterful secret mind power than Donald Trump! Yes, it's Taylor Swift, psy-op agent of socialism! 

And she's got a license to trill!

It's come down to this. Thanks to those shrewd and integrity-filled investigative reporters at Fox news, newscaster Jesse Watters recently said, "Well, around four years ago, the pentagon psychological operations unit floated turning Taylor Swift into an asset during a NATO meeting. What kind of asset? A psy-op for combatting online misinformation."

To which I have to say, "Duh, took you guys long enough to figure this one out!" Watters further went on to elaborate on agent Swift: "She's all right, but I mean, have you ever wondered why or how she blew up like this?" Thank you, Mr. Watters for uncovering the truth! For some time now (and I know I'm not alone in this), I've pondered how this gawky little farm-girl mouseketeer could seemingly transform overnight into the World's Biggest Entertainer. Now we know why. It's because her meteoric success is due to the manipulations of rich, male liberals with an evil agenda to see that Biden gets reelected. The way of our country! (God forbid we should actually credit a woman for her own success.)

Former FBI agent Stuart Kaplan chimed in: "It's possible Taylor Swift, quite frankly, isn't aware that she's being used in a covert manner to swing voters." So...even Ms. Swift's evil machinations aren't her fault. At least these guys are consistent, giving credit where credit is due. (Makes me kinda wonder why Mr. Kaplan is a "former" FBI agent.)

When asked about this new startling conspiracy, pentagon spokesperson Sabrina Singh said, "As for this conspiracy theory, we're going to shake it off." Presumably, she was referring in a cheeky manner to Ms. Swift's deadly lyrics, but the nonchalant manner in which Ms. Singh "shook it off" betrays a callous and evil liberal intent to subvert voters over to the left. 

Now I've known that Ms. Swift has been evil for some time. You can't escape her gawd-awful, ear-worm, bubblegum pop nonsense from the radio to elevators to grocery stores. And now that her evil, powerful, subliminal, and totally terrifying mind powers plot has been unveiled, I'm going to need to stuff cotton in my ears, so I don't suddenly find myself thinking unwanted thoughts that maybe abortion is okay or whatever.

My daughter thinks that the villainous Ms. Swift's insidious plots don't end there. She believes that the nefarious Buffalo Bills have hired Taylor Swift to infiltrate the Kansas City Chiefs via Travis Kelce to wreck his game. And it's worked. Since they started dating, look at Kelce's less than stellar performance.

Yes, the true threat to democracy isn't MAGA or Trump. It's Taylor Swift. Don't let the Swifties For Socialism get to YOU, too!

This has been a paid advertisement from the Beyonce For President campaign.

Speaking of total nonsense, check out my rollicking comic mystery series of Zach and Zora books, the only series around boasting a lead character even dumber than today's politicians. I fully endorse this message!

A New Crackpot Group!

I've discovered a brand spanking new nutty group. At least they're new to me! This is exciting! I feel like I've uncovered a rare new species!

It's...the "Flat Earthers!" 

Now to be certain, let's draw the distinction between several other fringe groups... 

First, you have your Middle-Earthers (hobbits and trolls and Gollums and big, ol' hairy feet on little tiny guys). As far as I know, they don't look for conspiracies and are either extinct by this point or are hiding out in Greenland or wherever. I don't consider them a threat.

Then you have your Highlanders. No, I'm not talking about a secret cult devoted to the automobile of the same name, but rather, a group of fanatics who worship a silly pseudo-fantasy franchise filmed on the cheap (usually in Canada) regarding lopping off heads for some wonderful reason. While I don't believe this cult to be a threat to society, they can certainly be annoying, particularly when they quote the shows. However, I wouldn't worry about them too much, because as they like to say (in a booming, deep, theatrical voice), "There can only be one!" Hence, I'm putting them on the endangered list.

There's the Outlanders. This group I truly don't understand. I've heard raves--from fans and critics alike--about how wonderful their show is. I sampled half an episode which was TOO much for me. Romance in historical Scotland? Blech. The less said about this group, the better.

Finally, we have the Furries. And they're another ball of fur altogether. And, um...I really don't want to talk about them.

Which at last brings me back around to the Flat Earthers. These kooks insist the world is flat. Despite all science to the contrary ("Socialist, Marxist, evil liberal lies!") or even the actual photography of our planet's spherical shape ("Fake news! Filmed in a Russian warehouse!"), they refuse to believe the truth.

But since when has the "truth" ever got in the way of these fringe groups' outlandish beliefs?

Wait. It gets even better. To my hilarious delight, a district chair in Georgia, Kandiss Taylor, recently blabbered on about the Great Globe Propaganda Conspiracy.

Having recently uncovered biblical "evidence" that the earth is flat, she said "I turn on the TV, there’s globes in the background … Everywhere there’s globes. You see them all the time, it’s constant. My children will be like ‘Mama, globe, globe, globe, globe’ — they’re everywhere. Every store, you buy a globe, there’s globes everywhere. Every movie, every TV show, news media — why? More and more I’m like, it doesn’t make sense. And that's what they do to brainwash!"

Yow! Now, please keep in mind, this is a "lawmaker," deciding what happens in the lives of her constituents. And know that she babbled all of this nutty nonsense on her podcast called...you guys ready for this?...wait for it...here it comes..."Jesus, Guns, and Babies!" Personally, I can't think of a better title, can you? Why, the three items just go perfectly hand in hand.

Well. What do we expect from a grown woman whose name is "Kandiss." (Hey, Kandiss, leave the politicking behind and get back on your dancing pole!) Furthermore, a little background shows that after losing the last Georgia governor race, Kandiss proclaimed "It's rigged! I won! They cheated!" This coming from the candidate who scored 3% of the public vote to the winning governor's 73%. (Oh, the damage that the Orange Don has wrought on our country!)

I know that crackpot fringe and culty groups have been around forever, but the number of conspiracies and groups have skyrocketed since the grotesque MAGA movement (not to mention a disturbing increase in racism). Of course, we all know how Trump was ripped off in the last election. And how liberals are cannibalistic, baby-eating, Satan worshipers.  And did you guys know that the proceeds to girl scout cookies goes to fund abortions? I heard that gem recently.

I suppose it's too much to ask for our politicians and leaders to actually get around to doing something good or maybe something that the constituents actually care about or possibly helping those in need. Instead we've got a guy (who could possibly become our next president!) wasting millions of tax-payer dollars on fighting drag shows (*Gasp!*) and Disney World ((*Choke!Gag!*). 

Then there's those stupid globes which keep me up at night.

I'm sure we'll be seeing a bill banning globes in our future. They're just so...damn mean and round and WRONG!

While we're talking about nuts, there's a veritable tree full of them running around in my Killers Incorporated trilogy of thrillers regarding a conspiracy (AHA!) revolving around a nefarious corporation (PROBABLY LIBERAL!) that supplies services to serial killers for a fee. Until you cross them as did poor Leon Garber, our serial killer hero. But he's a good serial killer! It's complicated. Read all about it here in the first book, Secret Society.