Last week, I woke up at three in the morning in excruciating pain. "Great," I thought, "I broke my leg while I was sleeping."
Now, I hear you asking, "Stuart, how in the WORLD could you break your leg in your sleep?"
Thanks for asking! First, I'm a very violent sleeper. Second, over the past year-and-a-half, I've broken my leg twice and didn't even know it. I knew I was in horrific pain, but just powered through it. I was even walking on the treadmill with a broken leg. Twice. Anyway...I know what broken leg pain feels like. Yet, this seemed much, much worse.
And here's where my wife got aggravated. She thought I should go to the doctor. Me? I hate going to the doctor. I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if you could just get in and out, but for whatever reason, doctors love to make you wait and wait and wait...a sort of mental water drop torture as you wait on the edge of your seat in searing agony to find out if you're gonna die. Plus, wh0 do you find at doctors' offices? Sick people! No thanks.
I told my wife, "Let's just give it a couple of days, see if it'll heal up."
Well. Turned out my wife was right. (As usual, grumble, brumble, grumble...) After three extremely painful, sleepless nights, my wife had had enough and said, "You're going to the doctor."
I caved. Problem was, it was the Fourth of July. So we had to go to the E.R., thus turning what could've been a $40 doctor visit into $40 plus a couple of extra "0's".
At the E.R., we go through all of the million dollar hullabaloo. X-rays are taken (kaching!) and a technician performed an ultrasound on my leg (kaching, kaching!) while dollar signs rolled in his greedy eyes like a human slot machine.
After the E.R. doctor examined all of his findings, he came back in. Fairly speechless. He shook his head (I knew I was dying at that point), scrambling for words.
Finally, he mustered, "Well...you have some seriously very impressive veins going on! I've never seen so many, so swollen! Your veins even showed up on the x-rays! I've NEVER seen that before! I was hesitant to give you pain meds at first, but yeah, here, take however many you need. Whatever."
Proudly, I puffed out my chest, knuckles burrowed into my sides like Superman striking a heroic pose. I said, "I don't know whether to be proud of this super accomplishment or to be very, very afraid."
So. My leg wasn't broken. I wasn't dying. But my Super Veins had swollen up on me ("Edema") because I'd over stressed them on the treadmill.
The cure? Stick my legs up on the wall as much as possible. Great $4,000 advice.
What have we learned here?
A) I have super veins;
B) Never seek out a doctor on a holiday;
C) Listen to your spouse;
D) Exercise is bad for you.
Speaking of really, really bad decisions, my protagonist in my new book, Corporate Wolf, has a tendency to make quite a few of them. Which ultimately leads him down the path to lycanthropy and...MURDERRRRRRRR. See how (if?) he gets out of very, very bad trouble.
Showing posts with label Black Comedy.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Black Comedy.. Show all posts
Friday, July 19, 2019
Friday, August 7, 2015
Scarfing up Scares with Author L. X. Cain
I’m dragging one of my fave authors back to Twisted Tales From Tornado Alley today. Shout out a howdy-do to Lexa Cain. Not only does Lexa write awesome fiction, she’s a lounge singer living in Egypt who loves horror. How cool is that? Fan-boys unite! Lexa’s got a bunch of awesome short stories out now and I wanted to hit her up (not too hard!) about them.
Lexa, first of all, after my gushtastic introduction,
can I use you as a Femme Fatale in a future book?
Sure. Anything for you. *wink-wink, nudge-nudge* (Gotta
play up that Femme Fatale side.)
Let’s start with my favorite of your trilogy of terror, The
Inter-Galactic Gourmet. Yak a little bit about it.

Everyone loves a good cannibalistic, sci-fi story now and
again (or should). But I really appreciated the irreverently dark humor involved.
Right up my alley. Do your tastes in writing and reading run to the unhealthy?
Should we be worried?
You should always be worried.

Public Transportation. The opening scene is taken
directly from my experiences on the NY subway system when I used to live there.
And what Cynthia, the main character, does, is something I always wanted to do
but didn’t have the guts or the strength. Nice to live vicariously through my
characters!
The cover reminds me of cheesy sci-fi flicks from the ‘50’s.
An inspiration?
Those old sci-fi flicks are hilarious! Even the newer
“Mars Attacks” has the same sort of tongue-in-cheek humor, and I tried to
capture that aspect of my story with the cover.

When there are so many zombie tales out there, it’s hard
to come up with something interesting, something original for the reader. But I
try to make sure all of my works are unique, and the twist in Biggun just came
to me. I’ve never seen anyone else do it, either.
I think the nature of zombie tales is one of despair, here
especially. I don’t want to give anything away, but the ending in particular is
downbeat, hearkening back to George Romero’s original Night of the Living Dead,
the zombie king of all entertainment. I really loved what you did with your
zombiepocalypse in such a few pages. Any chances of a full-length zombie tale
by Lexa?
Despite the fact that zombies are super popular, what
with “The Walking Dead” and all, I prefer to write original monsters. No zombie
novel in my future.
Okay, quick zombie throwdown survey:
*How do you like your zombies? Running or shambling?
Sentient or dumber than lawn furniture?
Old is gold. I like them shambling and stupid.
*If you woke up in bed next to a zombie, what would you say?
Could you hit the “snooze” please? Just ten more minutes…
*Who would kill more zombies? Jason Statham, Donald Trump’s
stupidity or the music of Slim Whitman?
That one’s too close to call!
Sorry. Back to real questions. In Biggun, the main character
is a mother, determined to protect her “little ‘un.” Nothing’ll deter her,
certainly not zombies. Where’d the inspiration for this character come from?
I figured in a real zombie apocalypse, the hardest hit
would be the “average” people in rural areas. So my main character is an
old-fashioned stay-at-home mom who has a baby and goes to church socials—until
she’s forced to kill the nice little ladies of the quilting circle because
they’ve become bloodthirsty zombies.

It’s very unusual for me to write a male main character,
but the idea of sneaking out to a “forbidden” place just to see what’s there
seemed more boy than girl. Thus Cody was born.
I love your prose, Lexa, very nice, bordering on poetic at
times, especially strange when considering the morbid subject matter. What’s up with
that? Intentionally turning horror on its side? Or just damn lucky you’re a
good writer, no matter what the genre?
I believe any book should be as well-written as the
author can make it no matter what the genre. And I’m not a good writer—but I’m
a very good reviser. lol
In The Mission, I think, the landscape’s pretty much the
main character. All about the ambiance and setting. Again, it reads like you’re
writing from experience. So, how does a singing writer living in Egypt know how
to write about the dry lands of Texas?
I’ve never been in the American West, but who hasn’t seen hundreds of westerns with John Wayne and the like? I think a writer can write about anywhere they can imagine, they don’t have to have actually been there.
I’ve had the pleasure of reading most of Lexa’s
work-in-progress, Bloodwalker. Tell the folks about this absolutely awesome
book. I can’t wait for readers to discover this creeptacular circus epic.
I think the most exciting thing about Bloodwalker is that
it’s about a clown that creeps out at night from the circus and steals away
little children. Since the circus travels around Eastern Europe, and there are
children missing from different towns, no one’s figured out that the culprit
lives in the circus yet—except one man, and he’s determined to find the killer.
So you have a scary clown, from a creepy circus, who’s
killing kids. What more could you want in a horror novel?
Perhaps a heroine whose job is to prepare dead bodies and
who knows all the ins and outs of evacuating bowels and sewing eyes shut. She’s
a Bloodwalker. Someone’s murdering other Bloodwalkers—and she’s next.
Thanks so much for having me on your blog, Stuart!
Readers can find me at:
Lexa's Blog: http://lexacain.blogspot.com/
Lexa on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lexa.cain.1
Lexa on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lexa.cain.1
SOUL CUTTER on:
AMAZON: http://www.amazon.com/Soul-Cutter-Lexa-Cain-ebook/dp/B00H2WCTMQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1386174417&sr=1-1
AMAZON UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Soul-Cutter-Lexa-Cain-ebook/dp/B00H2WCTMQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1391908250&sr=8-1&keywords=soul+cutter
MUSEITUP: https://museituppublishing.com/bookstore/index.php/coming-soon/december-2013/soul-cutter-detail KOBO: http://www.kobobooks.com/ebook/Soul-Cutter/book-V13qW0XkP06WAy9yl1bvAw/page1.html SMASHWORDS: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/372641 BARNES&NOBLE: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/soul-cutter-lexa-cain/1117299045?ean=2940045359245
AMAZON UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Soul-Cutter-Lexa-Cain-ebook/dp/B00H2WCTMQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1391908250&sr=8-1&keywords=soul+cutter
MUSEITUP: https://museituppublishing.com/bookstore/index.php/coming-soon/december-2013/soul-cutter-detail KOBO: http://www.kobobooks.com/ebook/Soul-Cutter/book-V13qW0XkP06WAy9yl1bvAw/page1.html SMASHWORDS: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/372641 BARNES&NOBLE: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/soul-cutter-lexa-cain/1117299045?ean=2940045359245
LX Cain on
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lx.cain
LX Cain on
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LXCain
Biggun, The Mission,
and The Inter-Galactic Gourmet on:
Smashwords:
https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/lxcain
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