Anti-Easter Celebration!

With Halloween recently passed (and the nightmarish election having been held), I thought this would be the perfect time of year for a heart-warming Easter greeting.

Nah...not really...

But I have an old college friend, who is a card-carrying atheist, who every Easter conducts a ritual that warms the black cockles of his atheist heart. And it makes me giggle.

Each Easter holiday, my pal chooses to go to the Walmart in the most bible-thumping, Trump-fist-bumping Kansas county (and the selection is HUGE), and visits the Easter candy aisle. There he proceeds to turn all of the chocolate crosses upside down, thus giving Satan due diligence.

He has a routine--a well-practiced one--where he busies his free hand idly picking up something, while the devilish hand flips the cross. He prefers to finish the entire chocolate cross display (at least the candy crosses in front), thus making his definitive statement. And every time, he fervently hopes he won't be caught in the act. (I have to wonder what the punishment would be if he was caught? Who knows? In this redneck, bible-hurling, evangelical county, they might reintroduce the Mike Pence Gallows™.)

I truly wish I could be a fly on the wall when the holier-than-thou patrons (and employees) discover my buddy's annual holiday tribute to sacrilege. I wonder if the poor beleaguered manager is assailed by an angry mob who vows never to shop at his Walmart again. Or if they picket the store (because everyone knows that Walmart is EVIL anyway). I lay awake at night, chuckling, just imagining the various scenarios when the blasphemous chocolate display is discovered. Might they go as far as to bring out an Easter cam next year?

I don't know, but I hope my devilish friend keeps up the good work (by the way, he's also one of the nicest guys I know).

This got me wondering about the "true" meaning of the upside-down cross. My first encounter with it, of course, was the film The Exorcist in the 70's. There, Linda Blair kept having it turned upside-down over her bed by presumably satanic forces, not to mention *ahem* other unmentionable things.

Online, I found two wildly disparate explanations for the symbol. In Christianity, particularly Catholicism, the upside-down cross is meant to represent the humility of Peter, who wanted to be crucified upside-down because he wasn't worthy of dying like Jesus had. That's the pope's story and he's sticking to it.

However, popular culture, particularly in recent times, has adopted it as a symbol of anti-Christianity or Satanism. YOU be the judge!

So, if my pal ever gets popped into jail for his blasphemous anarchy, this is a surefire court defense. "Hey, if it's good enough for the Pope, it's good enough for me." (Then again, traditional back county Kansas Christians sorta always sneer at Catholics, so cue the Mike Pence Gallows™ again!).

While I'm waxing over all things satanic, check out my darkly comical horror novel, Demon With a Comb-Over. In it, a hapless stand-up comedian runs afoul of a demon by making fun of a demon's comb-over. Things go really downhill fast after that, so downhill, the tale ends in a confrontation in Hell. Check out all the macabre fun here!

Brownies: The Gateway Food To Destruction

Everyone knows that one puff of a marijuana reefer leads directly to heroin addiction. (I think Trump said that, so, of course, I believe it.)

 

But what about that confectionery catastrophe, that most dangerous of desserts, the sultan of sugar, the brownie? The truth about this devious dessert, sadly, is swept under the rugs like a deep dark family secret everyone is too afraid to shine a light on.

Until now. In my ongoing quest for journalistic judiciousness, I'm knocking down the doors, and exposing the hidden dangers of...the brownie.

First things first, let's ponder the name: the brownie. Hmmm. Wikipedia sheds some very interesting facts about the brownie. It's widely known to be a supernatural entity, a nocturnal spirit creature who pretends to do good things at night, such as clean your house, only to pull ghastly pranks when least expected. I know I'm not alone in receiving a mysterious "Wet Willie" in the middle of the night. This smacks of satanism.

Furthermore, these hideous, foul creatures have insinuated themselves into an insidious cult that goes by the name, "Brownies." On the outside, the members look like clean-cut, wholesome, sweet and innocent young girl scouts (grades 2-3), but don't be fooled by their appearance.

Because something smells fishy. What is the "Brownies'" primary function? Why to spread sugar and diabetes and disease throughout the lands, the goal being the fattening of America, making us ripe for the forthcoming, inevitable Satanic slaughter.

Think I'm kidding?  I have first-hand knowledge of the dangers of The Brownie.

During the (un)Great Quarantine of 2020, the brownie took hold of our lives here in Kansas. I'd like to blame my wife, I'll settle for a mutual blaming, but honestly? It's the Brownie's fault and the powers that lie in it's kitchen of killing grounds.

Early on in our quarantine, my wife said all she felt like doing is baking. I pondered that while she went upstairs to work. I pondered some more until I was salivating. Slowly--as if in a trance--I made my way downstairs to the food pantry, where I knew a brownie mix awaited. My fingers inched closer to the door. I hesitated, then pulled it open with a creak. As if being pushed toward me, the brownie mix box plopped to the floor. With trembling hands, I picked it up. Then raised it over my head just as Simba had done in The Lion King. And somewhere--far away, yet everywhere at once--I heard a deep, Barry-White-deep, voice laughing.

Now, I've never made brownies. Never had a desire to. Didn't even think they were that good. But I baked. I baked until sweat broke across my brow. I went upstairs to share the news with my wife.

She said, "I don't know whether to be pissed off at you or to kiss you."

The vile nature of the brownie.

Sure, the pecans I found and put in the batch were rancid, but it didn't stop us. On the contrary. Brownies became nearly an every day occurrence in our household.

It took its toll. My clothes started shrinking (the work of supernatural brownie pranksters, no doubt). My gut grew to kangaroo-pouch proportions (birthing Eeeevilllll). And we didn't stop. We couldn't stop.

Until, one night when I awoke from a nightmare. I had started eating entire fried chickens, bricks of pre-fab cheese, and watermelons. And that was just a snack!

Things had to change.

Now, we're on a diet. It's hard. The temptation's there. But...I've already lost 15 pounds, so it's working. But I still think of those sweet, sweet bricks of sugary goodness and melty deliciousness...and...and... NO! Satan, get behind me with those brownies!

This is a cautionary tale, folks. Please heed it. And remember, the next time you go to a grocery store and see "Brownies" pandering their demonic delights, whip out your crucifixes and lay some goodness smack on them. People will applaud you. Trust me.

Speaking of Satan, why not give my book, Demon with a Comb-Over a shot? It, too, is a manifesto of goodness versus evil. Who wins? I'm not telling, you'll have to read the book. It's a delightful romp about a crappy stand-up comedian who accidentally pisses off a demon in the audience. Clean-cut fun for the entire family!