The Last, Worstest Nightmare Ever

Congratulations, America! You've elected an insane, mind-mushed, power-hungry, lying, raping, racist, convicted felon as the leader of our country! Yay! And he's got unlimited power, thanks to you, the American people, and his allies, the Supreme Court! Huzzah! 

I've been playing Chicken Little for some time now, while others around me have been saying "no way Trump's gonna win." But I knew it. Felt it in my craw (what exactly IS a craw?) like an annoying, persistent case of poison ivy. Or V.D., a more apt comparison.

Still, it's mind-boggling that some jackass could win the presidency on the "Stay Outta Prison" campaign.

Yep, it's the worstest nightmare, but somewhat inevitable, too, I suppose. Had Trump not won, it would not have been over, not by a long shot. This guy would've been crying "cheat!" for another endless four years. Wash, rinse, repeat, sigh.

Even though I suspected this tragic outcome, it still baffles me that anyone would have voted for him. Aren't you guys tired of him yet? Even when not president, the orange one dominated headlines over the past four years. He just. WON'T. SHUT. UP.

I have to take it, though, that's what America's all about. I guess. Even though Trump has blatantly said he's just going to be president to the MAGA worshippers, I still have to accept our country's decision.

And, gee, it's just been a couple of weeks, he's not even acting president yet, but let's look at some of his stellar accomplishments so far... hmmm... well...

Oh! Matt Gaetz has been picked as attorney general. Clearly, he's the right guy for the job as he's an alleged child sex trafficker. This just gets better and better!

Let's see...okay! We have a covid denier and an anti-vaxxer, please welcome RFK, Jr., the obvious perfect candidate for Secretary of Health.

Secretary of Defense? A natural! Pete Hegseth, of course, a Fox news commentator who's been accused of sexual assault, a fine choice.

The list goes on and on, a veritable clown car of MAGA acolytes and ass-kissers and billionaire buddies with no experience.

You guys asked for it. Now you're gonna get it. (My wife has a new slogan: "Let's make politics boring again!")

The title of this blog post is "The Last, Worstest Nightmare Ever." Why is it the "last?" Because the next four years could truly be apocalyptic. But, also, it's the last time (at least for the foreseeable future) that I'm going to rant about Trump. I give up. I concede.

How am I choosing to go forward? By ignoring the news. For eight years, I've been on the edge of my seat regarding Trump and his cronies' antics, hoping they would end. No such luck. So I'm going back to being blissfully ignorant. I was happier back in the day, when politics (or what passes as "politics") didn't bother me. I've heard what Trump says, read what he thinks, know what he's capable of doing, no need to doomscroll through it all over again. Until he blows up the world, it's no matter to me.

Last week, I got in an argument with a friend. I ended it by saying "fine, you just go on your merry way with your raping, racist president." After a long moment's silence, she says, "he's not a racist...he's NOT a racist."

Ain't it funny how she didn't negate his rapiness? As has over half our country? They're treating his rape allegations like a "character flaw."

And everyone I know who voted for Trump, always prefaces their choice by saying, "I don't like Trump. He's kind of a jerk. But, hellz yeah, I'm voting for him."

Huh.

How does that even make sense?

Whatever.

I'm done. Welcome to the new world.

Peace out!

A Mere Five Days...

That's all it's gonna take, a measly five days to determine if our country is going down the toilet or if we avoid a catastrophic disaster the likes we've never seen. And of course, at the center of this debacle is an orange-tinted, whiny, lying, childish, arrogant, stupid, convicted felon, raping racist.

Tough words, sure, but they can't be refuted.

I've had this growing pit of dread in my gut ever since Trump announced his candidacy (Even though he's been campaigning ever since he lost the last election.). I honestly can't imagine democracy will survive four more years of orange turmoil and chaos and hatred and divisiveness.

I have a Trump-supporting friend who says he doesn't like the name-calling of politics and is a "policy guy." There's absolutely nothing wrong with this in theory and it's admirable.

But...but...when it comes to Trump, I have to ask, WHAT POLICY? All the guy does is lie, rant, yell, spread anger wherever he goes like some demented satanic Santa Claus, and call people names. The closest Trump's ever come to discussing policy is when he said "I have the concept of a plan for health care."

Really? How decisive! THIS is the clown that over half the country wants to see run our country? Run it straight into the ground, maybe.

This is a guy who has no clue that his favorite song at his KKK rallies is a gay anthem by the Village People.

Let me just remind everyone of some of Donnie Trump's spectacular past adventures...

While in office, Trump suggested nuking hurricanes. Um...yeah, good thinking, Don. SCIENCE!

During the height of Covid (of which he downplayed for political reasons, indirectly causing the potentially avoidable deaths of a lot of people), Don thought injecting bleach would be a good idea.

To show support of those who died in battle fighting for our country, Don called the fallen "losers."

At a recent rally for racism, Don lost his train of thought and decided to sway his arms for forty minutes to music. So...so...sooooooo presidential.

He addressed a group of black journalists and managed to piss them off by suggesting Kamala Harris wasn't black. Talk about knowing your audience...

Trump wanted to build a moat between Mexico and the United States and populate it with crocodiles and deadly snakes. (This reminds me of the kid in sixth grade who ran for student council based on his promise to put Coke in the water fountains.)

This was the "president" who mocked a handicapped reporter.

Donnie constantly lies and his recent example of immigrants eating cats and dogs is a shining example.

Rape, sexual assault, grabbing women by the p@$$y...Sigh... Remember the "Big Controversy" over Jimmy Carter "lusting after women in his heart?" Hell, at this point, I'd even welcome back George W. Bush with great love.

Trump calls anyone who doesn't step in line with his fascist beliefs stupid and "an enemy" and he's threatened to unleash the military on them. Can detainment camps for "liberals" be next?

The list goes on and on, but remember, he's the only president in history who unleashed a dangerous mob on our nation's capitol based on his ludicrous lies and inability to accept defeat. Talk about a sore loser.

In five days, it's time to vote. The important thing is to vote. But I sincerely hope you won't vote for Trump. Frankly, I don't understand who would want to. Or why.

Not only is he a danger to our country, but potentially the world.

No wonder I drink.

VOTE.

4Patriots!

Good grief! (Okay, so it wasn't necessarily "good," but this post is definitely filled with grief!)

The other day I was watching a pay streamer and was inundated with ads (and what's up with that, anyway? If I'm paying for a service, I don't expect to have to watch ads! You hear me, Prime and Max??? But I'm getting a heap of digression all over the place...). But this barrage of ads (over and over and over...) were of a particularly disturbing nature.

4Patriots! "We champion freedom and self-reliance!"

It's the dream website for wacko survivalists! Check it out! (But don't give them your personal info. You'll be sorry!) These particular ads were selling 72-Hour Emergency Survival Food Kits, and they're both delicious and easy to prepare! Best yet, they'll last for 25 YEARS!

I dunno about you guys, but I'm not eating anything that's 25 years old. And just how delicious do you suppose it could be after a quarter of a century?

The website further brags that "every kit contains delicious recipes your grandmother would love." These "stick-to-your-ribs" meals include "America's Finest Mac and Cheese (none of that foreigner mac and cheese either, nosireecatbobtail! It's made with gen-u-ine fake Amurican cheese, the kind that Gramma used to just love slurping down!)," "Creamy Rice and Vegetable Dinner (with Amurican rice, not that oriental stuff, nosir!)," and "Grammy's Sweet Oatmeal (improves by the year, yessir!)."

Yuck. If my choice is to eat this crap or get eaten by zombies, toss me into the zombie pit now.

This website is downright scary, ringing the alarm of paranoia that's becoming more prevalent in America these days, thanks to the so-called state of "political leaders" who're trying to scare you into voting for them. Otherwise, you're going to live in a country that's going to be overrun by fascists. Which is made even more confusing because both sides are calling their opponents "fascists."

What's a person to do?

Why, load up on 25 year old franken-foods and run for the hills, natch! I mean, that's what a true red-white-and-blue "patriot" would do, right?

"4Patriots" should be ashamed of themselves, pandering to peoples' very real fears perpetuated by the lies of politicians over the past eight years or so. Particularly disturbing is 4Patriots "But one, get one FREE generator event" to celebrate "National Preparedness Month (a holiday I hadn't heard of before; but if there's a Hallmark greeting card section of National Preparedness Month at the local drug store, sign me up NOW!)." Maybe it's just me, but...what can a second, unnecessary generator do that the first one can't? Is it just me? It must be just me... Lessee, where's my credit card?

4Patriot has everything that the true patriot could ever want! There's a "Patriot Pure Air Filtration Device" that helps weed out all that unwanted commie air! Dad gum! And don't forget your "Patriot Power Powder Blend," the next best thing to Captain America's Super-Soldier formula! Whammo!

Over the past controversial eight year course, the term "patriot" has become bastardized. According to the Oxford Dictionary, a "patriot" is someone who "vigorously supports their country and is willing to defend it against enemies or detractors." That's fine and dandy, I'm all for it and consider myself a patriot.

However, over the past decade, they may as well addend the official patriot definition to include "...as long as you step in line to the white nationalist agenda, because if you don't, you're a big stoopid face and wrong and a liberal fascist! So I'm taking my 72-hour Emergency Survival Food Kid and going home! So THERE!"

I wonder if when the zombie apocalypse comes, the zombies will eat white nationalists. Hurry up, zombies!

While yakking about zombies, I'd love to promote my zombie survival book (with a big twist, natch), Zombie Rapture, but alas, the publisher folded and the book is currently without a home. A pity, 'cause I really like the book (and I'm not even biased! Mostly. Kinda...)

Rachel Maddow: Hot or Not?

In this current time of crazy political upheaval and even crazier politicians, I think it's time to seriously address a burning topical issue: Is Rachel Maddow a hottie or a nottie?

Personally, I think she's kinda hot. Recently, I had one friend who agreed with me, although he downgraded "hot" to "cute."

Even more recently, I made the mistake of blurting it out in a bar to my brother, his daughters, and a friend.

Emboldened by beer, I said, "Is it just me? Or is Rachel Maddow hot?"

Silence. Than disbelief. My brother shook his head in abject disappointment in me than started laughing. "It's just you."

One of my nieces was laughing, too, and said, "She's soooooo gay."

I answered, "I know that! But it doesn't stop how I think she looks."

I pulled up the most attractive picture I could find on my phone. I showed it to my other niece who just shook her head.

My brother faked a "WOW!"

The friend with us was slightly supportive. "Well...she's an attractive woman. But...'hot?' No!"

Hanging my head in shame, I started backpedaling. "Maybe...maybe I'm just attracted to her liberal firebrand journalistic warrior-hood."

That ploy didn't seem to work. As the derisive laughter and ludicrous--and admittedly sexist--discussion rose in volume, people started looking at us. And eavesdropping. More shakes of the head at my "Hotometer" being broken.

My brother says, "Do you also think Billie Jean King is hot?"

And of course, my nieces start googling her.

Deciding to try and save face, I tried to be a good sport. "Oh, YEAH! Hotcha!"

Then my brother starts dropping other names. "You think Jane Lynch is hot? Carol Burnett? How about Carol Burnett?"

I don't know where or why he pulled out Carol Burnett, but I played along until the joke (on me) had died down.

I finally mumbled, "I've always liked that short, cute, spiky-haired, punkish look." Which is true as I've always liked my wife's hair the shorter she keeps it.

Seriously, though, I do find Rachel Maddow to be attractive (maybe I, too, will downgrade from the rude and sexist "hot"), regardless of her own sexuality. But more importantly, it's what she stands for that I like: a serious-minded, left-wing leaning journalist who's needed these days when compared to the lying so-called "newscasters" who make up "stories" to suit their political leanings and fleece their viewers. You KNOW who I'm talking about and they're definitely NOT HOT.

Speaking of "hotness" and giving fair time to the other sex, Zach Cavanaugh, a male stripper (but don't call him that!), thinks he is the male definition of hot. Hot or not, he's about as dumb as a box of rocks. And he keeps finding himself wrongly implicated in some bizarre murders. It always falls on his long-suffering, usually pregnant, competent sleuth sister to bail him out of trouble by finding the real murderers. Check out the Zach and Zora comical murder mystery series here: Bad Day in a Banana Hammock!

I Had Too Much To Dream Last Night

So I had just fallen asleep. Dreamland whisked me away to an impossible, yet all too real at the time, nightmare scenario.

My boss (from a mysterious, unremembered job) signed me up to box Donald Trump. Having no say in the matter, I dreaded the event until the day of, when I suddenly realized I didn't even know where the venue was or what time I was to show up (pretty typical "dream logic" for me). Finally, some ex-co-worker from my last job (NEVER liked the guy) told me it was at a "Home and Garden Show" in downtown Kansas City.

So I showed up in a suit with hard, pointy dress shoes. The panicked small Asian guy who was in charge of the event asked, "Where are your boxing clothes?"

I pointed to my suit and said, "Ahhhh...this is all I have. Nobody told me anything."

The event was being promoted everywhere and I felt like the entire future of the country was weighing on my shoulders to beat the former president in the boxing ring. I worried that I was so out-of-shape now, that Trump might pummel me. Worse, I dreaded his inevitable name-calling, doxing, and bullying.

I'll never know how I fared in the battle as I woke up in a fevered sweat. With boxing gloves next to my bed. (Okay, I made up that last part because I thought it was post-ironic funny. Take that, hipsters!).

Now. What's my dream mean? I could posit some armchair, pop Freudian symbolism about how Trump represents a danger to the country and I feel threatened by him, but I'm not going to go there. (Although I just kinda went there anyway, didn't I?). Or perhaps it had to do with Trump's latest grift in a long line of griftiness, where if you buy ten of his NFT cards (only $100 bucks each!), you'll get a piece of his "knockout suit" to go with it! Wow! Bargain! (I wonder if Monica Lewinsky is selling pieces of her notorious dress. Ew. Sorry, sorry, sorry...). Or maybe it's the fact that this crazy felon is STILL dominating news headlines four years after he left the White House in shame.

I'll leave it up to you guys to decipher the deeper meaning of it all, although I'll leave you with one message: GO KAMALA!

For more nonsense, check out my Zach and Zora comical mystery series. Start with Bad Day in a Banana Hammock and unravel the wacky excitement from there!

Drowning in Word Soup

Okay, kids! I know it's summer, but what would summer be without a little summer school?  Oh, quit yer belly-aching, it's just a short pop quiz. Put on your thinking caps and your smart kicks and put away Tik-Tok because here we go!...

Which popular orange-coiffed clown recently said the following to a large crowd?

"And the fake news they go, he told this crazy story with electric. It's actually not crazy. It's sort of a smart story, right? Sort of like, you know, it's like the snake, it's a smart when you, you figure what you're leaving in, right? You're bringing it in the, you know, the snake, right? The snake and the snake. I tell that and they do the same thing."  June 23, 2024

Was it:

A) Ronald McDonald?

B) Beloved orange-haired comedian Carrot-Top?

C) Donald Trump?

DING, DING, DING! If you picked, "C," you win! Go to recess.

Yow! Can anyone make sense of that blast of word soup, noodling for coherency? It boggles my mind that half the country believes this man competent to lead (RULE!) our country. Now, for the sake of staying on track, I won't even get into what I believe to be all of Trump's other faults (cough*CONVICTED FELON*cough), but let's chat about mental competency.

First of all, to be fair, Biden scared the dickens out of me with his horrific debate "performance." Instead of an American president, I saw a doddering, forgetful old uncle that you keep trying to avoid at a wedding reception, but who finds you nonetheless. I tried to hold onto my belief in Biden, but there comes a time when you gotta say "No go, Joe! It was great while it lasted."

So, why does no-one talk about Trump's incoherency during his rallies or his wee hours of the morning Truth Social rants? The guy rarely makes sense, rambling on about sharks, Hannibal Lecter (whom he appears to believe is a real person AND a stand-up guy), windmills, and now snakes. Constantly, he confuses facts (ahem, LIES), politicians (who he's running against), people (Pelosi, his own doctor, etc.), how many World Wars there've been, and let's not forget "2 Corinthians," this coming from a great, self-proclaimed Christian with numerous bibles in his house (no doubt kept right next to his classified, stolen documents in the Golden Bathroom).

He scares me. So, I made a mistake and posted Trump's word soup quote (which I lifted from another poster) on Facebook (where EVERYTHING is true, don't ya' know?).

Here's a reply (sic) I got: "Youre obviously clueless. The snake is a fabke Trump says in rallies. Now why don't we talk about Bidens uncle eaten by cannibals?"

Okay! I looooove social media!

Let's take this at each point.

A) Yes, I guess I am obviously clueless because Trump's quote makes absolutely no sense to me. My fault for being a dummy. Totes. But...but...can the MAGA loyal decipher his nonsense? Do they have special  decoder rings that descramble Trump's cryptic ramblings? Are the MAGA core flying higher on a mental plain that we lowly Democrats are unable to achieve? Please! I wanna know if I'm missing out on something special.

B) True, I was clueless about Trump's snake "fabke (is that a Russian tasty treat?)," so I decided to edumacate myself. It's not a fable at all, but apparently lyrics to a song entitled "The Snake." At his rallies, Trump whips out a paper and reads the lyrics about a tender-hearted woman who rescues a half-frozen snake only to have it bite her. There you have it! Obviously America is the tender-hearted woman and the vile, blood-poisoning snake is an illegal immigrant. I'm not that smart (remember I'm clueless) to figure out Trump's metaphor; it's Trump's Cliff Notes explanation after he reads the lyrics. (Other Note: Trump misattributed the song to Al Wilson.)

C) Yes, being clueless, I'd never heard of Biden's uncle being eaten by cannibals. But, straight from Biden himself, he's attributed the remains of his uncle (World War 2 fighter pilot downed near New Guinea) to have been eaten by cannibals. Yumpin' Yiminy! Okay, admittedly, the story does sound kinda crazy (you know, like something that doddering, drunken uncle at a wedding reception might recount), but Biden's put it out there twice. And, in the past, he's had his fair share of moments of "embellishing" the truth. But at least his story made sense.

Wrapping up here, make sure you vote in November. I don't care who you vote for, but please, please, PLEASE make sure you vote for someone who at least is coherent and can string together a sentence. Do a write-in candidate if you must. You know, someone logical, sane, and coherent like Gary Busey.

If you're sick to death of what passes for the sorry state of American politics and worried about November, read a book! Here...I just happen to have some suggestions, all of them fine and available here!

"But:" The Great Qualifier

"I'm not a Trump fan, but he was our greatest president ever."

Well. Huh. 

Lately, I'm hearing a lot of statements constructed in the same manner: The sentence begins with a bold declarative statement. Then the word "but" always follows (kinda like the butt of a joke). And finally, a complete whopper follow-up statement that completely negates everything that's come before it. Whenever you hear the "but" sentence, you can always count on the speaker swinging high and big for full impact. And it always--ALWAYS--renders the first "I'm not a..." part of the statement totally irrelevant.

I find that the "but" sentence generally can be broken down into three sub-categories: politics, racism, and conspiracy theories. (And what do these three categories have in common? We'll get to that!)

These days, it's common to hear people defend Trump (even though they pretend to start out not doing so). (Yeah, I don't get it either. I am but a mere reporter stating the facts.) But whenever someone starts out with a "I'm not a Trump fan, but..." sentence, you can bank on their turning around and kissing his orange heiny.

Here's another gem I've heard during the last horrible four years: "I'm not a MAGA follower, but the deep-state, evil Liberal satanists eat babies."

Fun in the 21st century.

I tend to glaze over and tune out whenever someone hits me with the "I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but..." statement. You know it's going to be bad and there's no escape once they get on their conspiracy-painted soap-box. "I've got a TV dinner in the oven" won't work as an excuse to escape the conspiracy theorist once they have their hooks in you.

Here's a recent example:

"I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but Covid's nothing but a hoax."

"Um...yeah...about my TV dinner..."

"It's true! Fox News says blah, blah, blah, yak, yak, yak...."

The true origins of Covid are also big in the "but" world. "I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but Fauci created Covid on purpose to infiltrate the deep-state into.....zzzzzzzzzz..."

Finally, this brings me to the third and final category of "but" statements, and probably the most heinous of all: racism.  Here are a few nuggets of wisdom especially curated and culled from various family members over the years:

"I'm not racist, but Mexicans are dirty."

"I'm not racist, but the colored need to stay with their own kind."

YOW! Sometimes I think I was switched at birth.

I started thinking about the true underlying meaning behind the "but" statement. Since they always begin somewhat preemptively apologetic, the speaker has to be aware of how possibly controversial--and perhaps, out and out wrong--what they're about to say is. So why bother following through? Remember the semi-golden rule: "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all." However, the "but" statement is tricky. It's set up to allow the offending speaker an escape hatch if necessary.

Finally, what do the three sub-categories of "but" statements have in common? Simple: MAGA. Politics, racism, and conspiracy theories are the bedrock "values" of this horrible cult. Since the advent of MAGA, "but" statements have been overflowing like lava spewing from a poisonous volcano. And the brunt of the blame has to fall on Donny Trump's orange shoulders. Since his followers see that he says whatever the hell he wants to and damned with the consequences, they believe they should follow suit.

I don't hate Trump...but he truly, truly, truly, really, truly sucks. Gotcha!

Now that I've kicked over my own soap-box of righteousness, let's get back to the silly-ass world of escapism: check out my Tex, the Witch Boy trilogy! Not only are they the first books I wrote, but they formed the bedrock of what was to follow in terms of characterization, humor, horror, suspense, and thematic substance. You're welcome!

Taylor Swift: Psy-Op Agent for Socialism!

Bigger than Elvis! More powerful than Oprah! Charging dupes a single ticket price able to aid third-world countries! And with more masterful secret mind power than Donald Trump! Yes, it's Taylor Swift, psy-op agent of socialism! 

And she's got a license to trill!

It's come down to this. Thanks to those shrewd and integrity-filled investigative reporters at Fox news, newscaster Jesse Watters recently said, "Well, around four years ago, the pentagon psychological operations unit floated turning Taylor Swift into an asset during a NATO meeting. What kind of asset? A psy-op for combatting online misinformation."

To which I have to say, "Duh, took you guys long enough to figure this one out!" Watters further went on to elaborate on agent Swift: "She's all right, but I mean, have you ever wondered why or how she blew up like this?" Thank you, Mr. Watters for uncovering the truth! For some time now (and I know I'm not alone in this), I've pondered how this gawky little farm-girl mouseketeer could seemingly transform overnight into the World's Biggest Entertainer. Now we know why. It's because her meteoric success is due to the manipulations of rich, male liberals with an evil agenda to see that Biden gets reelected. The way of our country! (God forbid we should actually credit a woman for her own success.)

Former FBI agent Stuart Kaplan chimed in: "It's possible Taylor Swift, quite frankly, isn't aware that she's being used in a covert manner to swing voters." So...even Ms. Swift's evil machinations aren't her fault. At least these guys are consistent, giving credit where credit is due. (Makes me kinda wonder why Mr. Kaplan is a "former" FBI agent.)

When asked about this new startling conspiracy, pentagon spokesperson Sabrina Singh said, "As for this conspiracy theory, we're going to shake it off." Presumably, she was referring in a cheeky manner to Ms. Swift's deadly lyrics, but the nonchalant manner in which Ms. Singh "shook it off" betrays a callous and evil liberal intent to subvert voters over to the left. 

Now I've known that Ms. Swift has been evil for some time. You can't escape her gawd-awful, ear-worm, bubblegum pop nonsense from the radio to elevators to grocery stores. And now that her evil, powerful, subliminal, and totally terrifying mind powers plot has been unveiled, I'm going to need to stuff cotton in my ears, so I don't suddenly find myself thinking unwanted thoughts that maybe abortion is okay or whatever.

My daughter thinks that the villainous Ms. Swift's insidious plots don't end there. She believes that the nefarious Buffalo Bills have hired Taylor Swift to infiltrate the Kansas City Chiefs via Travis Kelce to wreck his game. And it's worked. Since they started dating, look at Kelce's less than stellar performance.

Yes, the true threat to democracy isn't MAGA or Trump. It's Taylor Swift. Don't let the Swifties For Socialism get to YOU, too!

This has been a paid advertisement from the Beyonce For President campaign.

Speaking of total nonsense, check out my rollicking comic mystery series of Zach and Zora books, the only series around boasting a lead character even dumber than today's politicians. I fully endorse this message!

Another Day, Another Indictment...

This is getting a little old. I'd kinda think that even the MAGA crowd might be getting a little tired of it, too. Donny Trump, of course, has been indicted four--count 'em, four!--times during a four-and-a-half month time span with 91 felonies under his (needs to be loosened a few notches) belt. And of course he was just ruled guilty of fraud in a New York civil case.

Damn. In the United States history, we've never had a president indicted before. Yet...yet...here's the punchline: Trump's currently tied with our current president in voting polls!

How can this possibly be? Don't get me wrong, I have issues with Biden, too. He's by far not my ideal president. But when compared to the lying, traitorous, bullying, raping, crooked, misogynistic, racist, blowhard, hate-mongering, philandering, Big Mac chowing orange alternative, Joe looks like Honest Abe. At least Joe's trying to assist the country, more than Donny ever did. Trump's wallet and ego always comes first, even ahead of family.

Wake up, half the country!

Do you really want to be dragged along with Trump's self-proclaimed four-year "revenge term?" That's all that's on his mind. Yep, he's railed about how he's going to imprison his "enemies (i.e., honest politicians who don't buy into his lies)," defund the Justice Department (the only branch willing to go after him), and eliminate any executive branch's checks and powers over his tyrannical stranglehold over our country. This ain't how a president's supposed to act.

Unbelievably, his grotesque and cheap theatrics just become more childish and deranged. This week he called for departing Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, General Mark Milley to be put to death. Unbelievable. AND he's called upon his spineless Republican sycophant senators to shut down the government. Why? Because he thinks it might keep him out of prison, a desperate last chance to "defund the election interference against him." He doesn't care about how bad this would be for our country or the millions of government employees who will have to work without pay checks. Despicable, you betcha! I'd even go so far as to call it traitorous.

C'mon! Before the 2020 election and especially after the infamous January 6th insurrection, Trump hasn't shut up whining about how the election was rigged, contrary to not a shred of evidence being presented. Quite the opposite: any evidence that was found pointed to a tight, secure, and legally binding election.

Check out this quote about Donny from 2016:

“You know, every time Donald thinks things are not going in his direction he claims, whatever it is, is rigged against him. The FBI conducted a year-long investigation into my emails, they concluded there was no case. He said the FBI was rigged. He lost the Iowa caucus, he lost the Wisconsin primary. He said the Republican primary was rigged against him. This is how Donald thinks. And it’s funny, but it’s also really troubling. That is not the way our democracy works. We’ve been around for 240 years, we’ve had free and fair elections, we’ve accepted the outcomes when we may not have liked them. And that is what must be expected of anyone standing on a debate stage during a general election.”

This came from Hillary Clinton! In 2016, before Trump ever stepped into and polluted the White House! Say what you will about Hillary, but she was certainly prescient. I believe she has more super mind-powers than Trump does, even when he claimed he could declassify a document just by looking at it.

Okay, so Donny had his original "Big Lie" regarding the "rigged election." Half our country bought into it. Now he's following it up with an equally insidious Big Lie: "Election Interference!"

Every time, Donny gets indicted, he claims it's the evil, satanic liberals, bla, bla, bla persecuting him and interfering with a fair election. And, of course, his faithful cult buys into this crap. Worse, it appears to be growing.

WHY? The only thing I can possibly think of is that the more people hear something, the more brainwashed they become. Hell, Trump's in the news now more than he was president! I'm sick of reading the paper (okay, perusing the intronet's headlines) and reading hard-hitting journalism about how Trump has insulted the Justice Department for the kazillionth time.

This isn't election interference. It's called justice. From what I've read, there's more hard evidence incriminating Trump on a number of charges than anyone ever presented regarding the so-called "rigged" election of 2024. Facts don't lie, people! Contrary to what the My Pillow guy says and we all know he's a highly qualified expert on the subject, right?

Wake up, Maga! Your cult leader is a horrid person who cares not for you, nor his country. He cares about money, power, BIG TV ratings, porn stars, and Big Macs. In that order.

I tell you what, this gets my dander up! Don't make me have to tell you guys this again...

While I'm trying to calm down, I may as well hit you up with the hard sell... Check out my book, Ghosts of Gannaway. It's a historically-based ghost story about a small mining town in Kansas, run by the evil, greedy man who owns the mine and will throw everyone under the bus (well, train, in this case) to further line his wallet. Hmmm...sound familiar?

Whaddaya talkin' about, Whatabouters?

Between what passes for politicians these days and the media, my vocabulary is expanding daily. Let's see...we've got stagflation (the cost of stag films these days), polycrisis and permacrisis (I believe the first deals with plastic and the second is the fall-out from a bad perm job), gender food gap (everyone knows men eat more than women), tarmac-to-arm (it's gotta mean keep your arms off the tarmac or face the consequences. I guess.), and distorted to suit both political parties' oh-so-needy needs. I particularly enjoy the "war on woke." Which is just nonsense in both the figurative and literal sense.

Now we have the "whatabouters." Yep, the ex orange-in-chief is at the center of this stupid new term. What are whatabouters? I'm glad you asked! Whatabouters are Trump's allies who defend his acts of stealing classified documents by deflecting from the true issues at heart. Their defense lies in "Whatabout Hillary and her emails?" or "Whatabout Biden and HIS stolen documents?"

Furthermore, the whatabouters scream and cry that our Department of Justice is hypocritical, a two-tiered base of justice. Well. If that's the case, the whatabouters are careening down that slippery highway of hypocrisy themselves. They refuse to acknowledge that tRump is actually guilty of taking classified documents, lying about having them, instructing his lackeys to hide them, and then is moronic enough to admit to having classified documents that he acknowledges he shouldn't have in the first place WHILE BEING RECORDED!

So...whatabout Hillary and her emails? She was dumb and technologically inept, I'll grant you that. But she was cleared of doing anything dubious. Whatabout Biden and his documents? Whoops. He didn't even remember having them (could be a little senility at play), but as soon as he found out about them, willingly turned them over. A far cry from stashing them in a luxury bathroom after being instructed to turn the classified documents over.

Which brings me to the most important point of this post: Have you guys SEEN Trump's bathroom? Gah! It's grotesque. I mean, not grotesque in my recurring nightmare of having to walk barefoot in one of the most disgusting bathrooms ever sense of grotesque. No, the design of Donny's bathroom is grotesque. Like the man himself, the bathroom's fugly, disturbing, gawdy, flamboyant, and uncomfortable. It looks like a toilet-filled shrine to the White House. Who was his interior decorator? Lindsey Graham??? I highly doubt I'd be at ease enough beneath a chandelier to conduct my daily constitutional. And just what does Donald do with those classified documents that are easily reachable within toilet distance? AIEEEEEEEEEE! MY EYES! Some things you just can't unsee.

Anyway... Royal bathrooms aside, I don't want to hear any more about these "whatabouters" until they acknowledge the truth. This is getting ridiculous. Having to deal with election and Covid deniers was bad enough. And how about our so-called "lawmakers" actually do something worthwhile with their time like passing merit-worthy laws instead of Marjorie Taylor Greene shouting that her TV is spying on her? The state of American politics these days is absurd.

But not as absurd as the adventures of Zach (a meat-headed "male entertainment dancer") and Zora (his exasperated, usually pregnant sleuth sister) as they skirt the screwier alleyways of murder, mystery, mayhem, and male strippers! Find out what's got (not) everybody talking about in the first book of the series, Bad Day in a Banana Hammock!

A New Crackpot Group!

I've discovered a brand spanking new nutty group. At least they're new to me! This is exciting! I feel like I've uncovered a rare new species!

It's...the "Flat Earthers!" 

Now to be certain, let's draw the distinction between several other fringe groups... 

First, you have your Middle-Earthers (hobbits and trolls and Gollums and big, ol' hairy feet on little tiny guys). As far as I know, they don't look for conspiracies and are either extinct by this point or are hiding out in Greenland or wherever. I don't consider them a threat.

Then you have your Highlanders. No, I'm not talking about a secret cult devoted to the automobile of the same name, but rather, a group of fanatics who worship a silly pseudo-fantasy franchise filmed on the cheap (usually in Canada) regarding lopping off heads for some wonderful reason. While I don't believe this cult to be a threat to society, they can certainly be annoying, particularly when they quote the shows. However, I wouldn't worry about them too much, because as they like to say (in a booming, deep, theatrical voice), "There can only be one!" Hence, I'm putting them on the endangered list.

There's the Outlanders. This group I truly don't understand. I've heard raves--from fans and critics alike--about how wonderful their show is. I sampled half an episode which was TOO much for me. Romance in historical Scotland? Blech. The less said about this group, the better.

Finally, we have the Furries. And they're another ball of fur altogether. And, um...I really don't want to talk about them.

Which at last brings me back around to the Flat Earthers. These kooks insist the world is flat. Despite all science to the contrary ("Socialist, Marxist, evil liberal lies!") or even the actual photography of our planet's spherical shape ("Fake news! Filmed in a Russian warehouse!"), they refuse to believe the truth.

But since when has the "truth" ever got in the way of these fringe groups' outlandish beliefs?

Wait. It gets even better. To my hilarious delight, a district chair in Georgia, Kandiss Taylor, recently blabbered on about the Great Globe Propaganda Conspiracy.

Having recently uncovered biblical "evidence" that the earth is flat, she said "I turn on the TV, there’s globes in the background … Everywhere there’s globes. You see them all the time, it’s constant. My children will be like ‘Mama, globe, globe, globe, globe’ — they’re everywhere. Every store, you buy a globe, there’s globes everywhere. Every movie, every TV show, news media — why? More and more I’m like, it doesn’t make sense. And that's what they do to brainwash!"

Yow! Now, please keep in mind, this is a "lawmaker," deciding what happens in the lives of her constituents. And know that she babbled all of this nutty nonsense on her podcast called...you guys ready for this?...wait for it...here it comes..."Jesus, Guns, and Babies!" Personally, I can't think of a better title, can you? Why, the three items just go perfectly hand in hand.

Well. What do we expect from a grown woman whose name is "Kandiss." (Hey, Kandiss, leave the politicking behind and get back on your dancing pole!) Furthermore, a little background shows that after losing the last Georgia governor race, Kandiss proclaimed "It's rigged! I won! They cheated!" This coming from the candidate who scored 3% of the public vote to the winning governor's 73%. (Oh, the damage that the Orange Don has wrought on our country!)

I know that crackpot fringe and culty groups have been around forever, but the number of conspiracies and groups have skyrocketed since the grotesque MAGA movement (not to mention a disturbing increase in racism). Of course, we all know how Trump was ripped off in the last election. And how liberals are cannibalistic, baby-eating, Satan worshipers.  And did you guys know that the proceeds to girl scout cookies goes to fund abortions? I heard that gem recently.

I suppose it's too much to ask for our politicians and leaders to actually get around to doing something good or maybe something that the constituents actually care about or possibly helping those in need. Instead we've got a guy (who could possibly become our next president!) wasting millions of tax-payer dollars on fighting drag shows (*Gasp!*) and Disney World ((*Choke!Gag!*). 

Then there's those stupid globes which keep me up at night.

I'm sure we'll be seeing a bill banning globes in our future. They're just so...damn mean and round and WRONG!

While we're talking about nuts, there's a veritable tree full of them running around in my Killers Incorporated trilogy of thrillers regarding a conspiracy (AHA!) revolving around a nefarious corporation (PROBABLY LIBERAL!) that supplies services to serial killers for a fee. Until you cross them as did poor Leon Garber, our serial killer hero. But he's a good serial killer! It's complicated. Read all about it here in the first book, Secret Society.

The End of the World is Here (for only $99)!

Okay, the last thing anyone wants to read is more of my railing against our so-called "politics" in America. Everyone's sick of it, my wife's sick of it, you guys are sick of it, and I'm beyond sick of it. But this...THIS...transcends even the dumbest politics going on right now. It transcends the stupidest, dumbest, most idiotic, childish scenario I could even begin to imagine (and that's saying a lot).

Congrats, Donny, you corrupt orange con man, you! You've broken me! (But thanks for the laughs; I haven't yet quit giggling.)

Trump, up to his Barnum and Bailey blusteryessness, teased on his ludicrous (and failing!) app about a "Major Announcement" within the next couple days. Everywhere in MAGA-land (a wonderful, magical, place where people's votes don't matter and nothing does except for the Great Pumpkin, benevolent and beloved dictator of all who poops unicorns and puppies), the few remaining loyal were on the edge of their seats, awaiting the mega-MAGA-Major Announcement, sure to right all that's wrong in America. Would it be an announcement of future policy, promising change and revision and locking away Democrats? Would he proclaim Marjorie Taylor Greene or Kari Lake (two fine, fine politicians) as his running mate? Maybe he would nominate (Kan)Ye as ambassador to Israel?

Then...the Major Announcement happened! Trump's releasing a set of his collectible trading card NFTs at a mere $99 bucks a pop! Score! "Perfect for Christmas" as the Orange one proclaimed during his Major Announcement!

I nearly tinkled a bit in my pants.

This...THIS...coming from a former president (I refuse to believe people would put this clown in office again).  What a rook. It's a rook, I tell ya. Oh, sure, the faithful MAGA folks will be lining up to buy these "collectible" cards, shoveling yet more cash into the Don's pockets. And what do they get for it? Not even a physical card they can hold and show off and shellac with plastic and sweat and love and hang on the Christmas tree. Nope. They get a hundred dollar JPEG.

Maybe Donny's biggest grift yet. I'd be a little bit impressed with the sheer audacity of it all, if I didn't think the guy sucked so hard.

Don said these cards would surely sell out...FAST! Hm. You don't suppose there's a limited run on these, do you? Gosh-a-roonie, I'd better get in line fast for these limited, hundred buck digital images, because once they're gone, they're gone FOREVER. There'd be no way they could ever make more of these once-in-a-lifetime collector's items!

It just gets better and better... Donny claims these cards showcase his life and history. I mean, who among us didn't thrill when he came down from Krypton, spraying laser vision all over the libs? Or when he was a cowpoke on the Yellowstone ranch? Who could forget when he landed on Mars and tossed out paper towels to the aliens? Just like real life. Only better!

Okay, before I lied. A hundred bucks doesn't just get you a digital image (collect and trade 'em all!). It also enters you into the Grand Sweepstakes where you could have dinner with the Mandarin Candidate! Wow! Sign me up! (Note: the fine print says you have to pay for your own travel, lodging, and even dinner. Don can't be bothered to buy your Big Mac.)

Me? I'm tempted. I'd love to have lunch with the Trumpster Dumpster. It probably wouldn't last longer than two minutes before Don would sling his shrimp cocktail at me and upend the table and storm out while his secret service men swarmed me. I'd probably only get in one question before it would come to a crashing halt. I'm torn between "So as a repeat rapist, did you ever consider you could be on the receiving end when you go to prison?" or "I'm a huge MAGA supporter. That stands for 'Make Abortion Great Again,' right? Is that because of all the abortions you've paid for?" or "When you were always picked last in gym class, did you whine and cry and lie that it was corrupt? Or did you dodge gym (like the draft) with a letter from Daddy, excusing you because of your baby hands?" or "Hey, could I get a peek under your comb-over? I'd really like to see the "666" mark." or "Why does a billionaire have to constantly grift his followers?"

But I refuse to give this dick any money. Don't do it! He's stolen from America, spat on our country, embarrassed us world-wide, and made a mockery of democracy. He's dangerous. Worse, he's dumb. And if this latest card scheme (his "Trump Card," so to speak) doesn't smack of desperation, then nothing ever will. C'mon...wanting to really, really stay out of prison is no reason to run for president.

Stop the grift!

And on that note, happy holidays everyone! (Please stuff my stockings with Donald Trump NFT Trading Cards! I'm really trying to locate the rare one where he battles dinosaurs with nothing but a loin cloth and a Big Mac.)