Well, Valentine's Day has come and gone and, as per usual, I'm a little late to the party. Anyhow, it's time to celebrate love.
And what better way than to compile a list of the world's worst (or most efficiently quick) break-up lines.
I conducted intensive research (made crap up), interviewed a broad spectrum of random people (Mr. Google), and embarked upon a Vision Quest (thought about my rather pathetic past romances).
The results may shock you. Journalism at its most intense. And, by skippy, if I don't feel like Oprah on a caffeine high.
Here we go (everyone do a drum-roll, but don't really do it out loud. You're liable to upset the dog.):
10) I don't think my wife will like you.
9) How many people do you have to murder before you're considered a serial killer?
8) There's nothing sexier than Hee-Haw.
7) That's what those are? Toast tweezers? I've been using them to yank out nostril hairs.
6) You resemble your mother even though she's way hotter.
5) Last night, aliens gave me the best anal-probe I've ever had.
4) Because I sorta' almost like you, I'm going to serenade you with the entire soundtrack of "Newsies." Here. Right now. In this restaurant.
3) You're almost as hot as Bea Arthur. Maybe just wearing football gear.
2) Hey, check me out while I light this fart on fire!
And the big one:
1) Not only does it sting when I urinate, I'm hosting exciting new breeds down yonder.
Ta-dahhh! Yes, I'm twelve years old.