The Con is On!

Joe-Bob Briggs pretending to read one of my books!

The seal has finally been broken! I pedaled books at my very first convention, Scares That Care, in beautiful Williamsburg, Virginia, a couple of weekends ago. Huzzah! Play those celestial trumpets and end with a comedically sad wah-wah-wah-wahhhhhh trombone! I managed to sell a box of books and it only cost about $3,000 to get there!

Okay, it's a slight exaggeration. And it just so happens my wife had business to take care of on the East Coast as well, so we turned it into a "working vacation."

Why is this a big deal, you ask? Because everyone knows all writers are ridiculously introverted and given the choice, I'd much rather hunker down with Me, Myself and I. I've never been good at selling myself so it was a challenge. And now I'm ready for more.

Under the  tutelage of the maestro of the con, Russell James (read his books already! Great writer and I've supplied a handy-dandy link), I learned much.

What did I learn? Pay attention as class is about to begin...

A) People watching at conventions is awesome. Check out my photos.

What's a "Teatrix?" I dunno and was too afraid to ask!

B) I learned quickly how to spot readers from non-readers. When people shook their heads disparagingly and/or rolled their eyes when they spotted a table full of books, that was a huge, honkin' clue that my sales pitch would be wasted. Also, full families never--I repeat, NEVER--stopped to look at books.

Hey, it's Father Evil, truly terrifying in his malevolence.

C) Some people just wanna talk. It doesn't matter about what as long as it's not about my books.

D) Several Big-Name authors are very cool; others...not so much.

Me and my new BFFF Jonathan Maberry (one of the cool ones!).

E) When potential customers say "I'll probably be back," generally you never see them again. (I'd never worked so hard to make a sale as I did on the last day when a couple grabbed my book, stood there and read several pages, laughed appropriately, deliberated, hemmed and hawed, then vanished into a black hole. I put their photos on a milk carton. I still want that sale.)

He's havin' a yabba-dabba-doo time.

F) Now I know how it feels to be the last one asked to dance.

G) Standing for eight hours on end is tough, particularly after having been booted from the hospital two days prior. But at least I had an appropriately gruesome looking cut and multi-colored eye to sport at a horror convention.

Famed horror movie host Count Gore De Vol scaring up interest.

H) The "Celebrity Room" was kinda creepy and a little sad; there wasn't a whole lotta joy to be had as you navigated a sea of handlers. Just ask poor Wilford Brimley sitting at the back wall. I never did get a chance to chat with him about oatmeal. (And the awful, sickly green walls were...sorta oppressive and demoralizing.) Feeling sorry for awesome character actor Sid Haig (and more than a little afraid of him), I gave him a wave and knowing nod to which he returned.

The llama suit looks kinda comfy except for the massive head-gear (and I don't even wanna know about going to the bathroom).

I) After a while, I started playing with my sales patter. I had nothing to lose and didn't want to lug home one hundred pounds of books (yes, I was naively over-zealous). "Winnah, winnah, book winnah!" and "We got thrills, chills, and blood spills! Heads are chopped, dropped and swapped!" Anything to keep it entertaining for three days.

J) The last day? Yawwwwn. Everyone was broke and they let us know about it.

I'm sure I felt pretty similar to this tortured Hellraiser guy on Sunday.

There was much to be learned. And as Russell James had stated in his excellent three-part article on doing conventions, you're not there to get rich. Because you won't get rich unless you're Stevie King. Nope, you're there for the love of books, writing, and meeting the fans. I hope I made some new ones and I can't wait to do another con.

Speaking of cons, something's not quite right at Lerner, Incorporated, a huge billion dollar corporation dedicated to... well, what exactly is it dedicated to? Could it have something to do with...WEREWOLVES? Read Corporate Wolf and find out!