Okay, let me back up a bit... Maybe my mom's not the best eyewitness to such claims of truth, for you see she's 88 years old, has Macular Degeneration, and is legally blind. She can't see a thing (or as she puts it, "I can't see beans!"). So she's probably not the most credible person to put on the stand, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Anyway, my brother texts me, "Have you heard about Mom's giant bugs?"
I wrote back, "No, but tell me about it!"
He just responds with, "ask her to describe them." Well, for once I'm almost excited to call her.
"Mom," I say, "I understand you've been attacked by giant bugs?"
Silence. Finally she answers, "You've been talking to your brother, I guess."
"Yeah, he might've mentioned something about them. What's going on?"
"Well," she says, "this giant bug swooped into my apartment when I opened the door. Scared the tar outta me. He looked like a green bean with a three inch stem and a fan-tail and an awful tiny face. There's a big one and a little one and I can't catch them. They keep going for my hands and my face. But the big one lost his fan-tail since he got in. They're still in here somewhere, though."
Mr. Sensitivity that I am, I laughed long and hard.
"Mom, I'm sorry. But you admit you can't see 'beans.' But your description of the flying green bean monster bug is pretty detailed. I guess that's one bean you can really see." I couldn't help myself, continued sniggering.
"I don't think it's so funny. Wait 'till you get one, then we'll see if you think it's funny."
"Mom," I said, "I'd love to see a flying, giant mutant green bean bug monster."
It's true. I would love to. But everyone knows green beans with three inch stems and fan-tails don't exist.... Or do they?
What's that buzzing sound? Is that...is that a...flying green bean?
Speaking of weird beasties, you'll find a plethora of them--a zoo's worth--in my short story collection, Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley.
