Showing posts with label Romance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Romance. Show all posts

Friday, March 7, 2025

Pink Eye Romance


I think we can all agree that "Pink Eye" is one of the worst ailments that can befall someone. Especially when you're younger. You may as well be wearing a huge-ass scarlet letter over your eye or the mark of Cain. Watch people avoid you at all costs, crossing the street to get away. I mean, it's not like an STD. No, those people are lucky and can hide their ailments within pants.

Not only is pink eye extremely irritable and annoying, it's just flat-out ugly and gross. (Just ask my daughter; once she had to wear an eyepatch to an outdoor concert.) And God help the hapless kid who becomes afflicted by the pink curse while in high school.

No one wants to be near you when you've got pink eye. Just one of life's harsher facts.

Now let's jump into the Way-Back Machine and travel back to my wild and wooly bachelor days full of non-stop fun and partying and nary a single adult care to get in my way. There. We're here! Did you have a pleasant trip?

But what's this? Oh nooooooo! Poor Stuart has pink eye!

And with just two days until he and his friends' big party at the Berdella house (okay...it wasn't really the "Berdella house" but my good friend--host of the party--lived one block away from notorious Kansas City serial killer Bob Berdella. The more you know!).

What was poor Stuart to do? He'd already invited a girl that he'd had romantic dalliances with during college. But with his eye all swollen and watery and itchy and redder than an angry sunset, he couldn't possibly attempt to kiss said girl.

So Stuart groused and grumbled until the big day of the party. When his guest showed up that night, he noticed she had a long lock of blonde hair uncharacteristically swooped over one eye.

"Hey," Stuart said, "You might want to keep your distance from me 'cause I got pink eye."

Suddenly, she swooped back her hair exposing a swollen, watery, itchy, and redder than an orangutan's bottom, eye. 

Celestial trumpets sounded! Clouds parted! Somewhere dogs and cats hugged it out! 

Stuart had no choice but to grab the girl and kiss her.

Thus began the Summer of pink eye romance.

It's as they say, "God loves a fool with pink eye." (Or maybe I've got that quote wrong...)

Now that I'm in a silly, kinda pink eye mood, I may as well plug my shameless Zach and Zora comical mystery series. Take one stupid male stripper, mix with his usually pregnant, bright sleuth sister, and stir into a murder mystery with nutty characters, thrills, spills, suspense, and embarrassing humor and you have the Zach and Zora series! Don't be left out in the cold! Check out what all the cool kids are reading here!



Monday, November 18, 2024

The Agony of Marching Band

I despised marching band. I know not many people share my sentiment on that and everyone I ever meet has nothing but good, jolly memories of their tenure in high school marching band.

Not me. It was hell on earth. (Then again, I hated all of high school, so what do I know?)

Even before my freshman year started, we had to get up early every morning and go to band practice. But it was all outside and more like football than anything music-related (I was actually in football in junior high for three days...but that's a story for another time.).

On the field, in the blistering heat of the last days of summer, we were forced to learn how to march (like good little soldiers), and suffered drill after drill until we got it right. Me? Apparently, I wasn't ever a good marcher, because the cruel dictator band teacher had all of these teacher's pet band seniors tap you on the shoulder when they thought you were good enough to go rest. Invariably, I was always the last one on the field, marching to my own beat while the "band bullies" laughed at my efforts. (Overweight and not very graceful at that point, I was an easy target).

Let's back up a second... I hear some of you saying "band bullies? There are no such thing! Everyone knows that the kids in band were all geeks!"

True enough. But even band geeks had their hierarchal system where they would try to demean and beat down those they found even lower than them in the high school picking order. And bullying always runs down hill. Bullies originate from being bullied themselves. And I was the band geek's target. Shows you how much I ranked in high school! The meaner ones called me names, openly humiliated me, threatened me with violence (there was a particularly evil, pimply-faced drummer), while most just chose to ignore me.

But that wasn't even the worst part of band. During junior high, I was a relatively decent alto saxophone player. And it was okay. I didn't have to march and there, everyone in band seemed on a pretty even keel. But once the hallowed hellish halls of high school tried to suck me into its vast black hole of despair, marching made me truly despise band.

When the weather turned cold, there we were out on the fields every morning at 6:00 am, tromping through rain, mud, and snow. By the time I got off the field and into my first class, I'd be either freezing from being rain-soaked or from sweat or both. Probably not a pretty sight nor smell.

And the dictator who taught the class absolutely hated me. Why? Because I wasn't the "golden boy" my older brother was who he had loved when he was a "marching band star." The teacher even resorted to insulting me and calling me names as well. (Okay, sure, I missed the bus ride the band took one weekend for an out-of-town game and that pissed him off, but I honestly had the departure time off by one hour. An honest mistake....or WAS it?)

The following Monday the teacher confronted me (in front of the entire class, natch). There he humiliated me and ordered me to write a fifty page paper on a classical composer. Being the apathetic student I was back then, I didn't comply and flunked the class.

My dad was appalled. Having played overseas in an army band (saxophonist extraordinaire, of course), he just couldn't understand how in the world I could flunk band.

Finally, he took pity on me and let me drop it (under the pretense that my other grades would improve. They didn't, not for another year when I learned I was about to flunk out if I didn't turn my act around).

So let this be a cautionary tale to you, boys and girls! Stay far, far, FAR away from marching band. Don't give in to the terrorism of the band geek toughs! If you're a geek (who will eventually rule the world, you just have to survive high school), then get into theatre. There, if you're a straight guy (so a friend told me), you won't have ANY competition for the theatre girls.

Speaking of high school hell, check out my Tex, the Witch Boy trilogy. It's a supernatural, murder mystery, suspense, horror, comedy, romance, topical issues series that is often loosely autobiographical (excluding the serial killers and witchcraft elements, natch). You can find all the madness and fun here!




Friday, August 9, 2024

Drowning in Word Soup

Okay, kids! I know it's summer, but what would summer be without a little summer school?  Oh, quit yer belly-aching, it's just a short pop quiz. Put on your thinking caps and your smart kicks and put away Tik-Tok because here we go!...

Which popular orange-coiffed clown recently said the following to a large crowd?

"And the fake news they go, he told this crazy story with electric. It's actually not crazy. It's sort of a smart story, right? Sort of like, you know, it's like the snake, it's a smart when you, you figure what you're leaving in, right? You're bringing it in the, you know, the snake, right? The snake and the snake. I tell that and they do the same thing."  June 23, 2024

Was it:

A) Ronald McDonald?

B) Beloved orange-haired comedian Carrot-Top?

C) Donald Trump?

DING, DING, DING! If you picked, "C," you win! Go to recess.

Yow! Can anyone make sense of that blast of word soup, noodling for coherency? It boggles my mind that half the country believes this man competent to lead (RULE!) our country. Now, for the sake of staying on track, I won't even get into what I believe to be all of Trump's other faults (cough*CONVICTED FELON*cough), but let's chat about mental competency.

First of all, to be fair, Biden scared the dickens out of me with his horrific debate "performance." Instead of an American president, I saw a doddering, forgetful old uncle that you keep trying to avoid at a wedding reception, but who finds you nonetheless. I tried to hold onto my belief in Biden, but there comes a time when you gotta say "No go, Joe! It was great while it lasted."

So, why does no-one talk about Trump's incoherency during his rallies or his wee hours of the morning Truth Social rants? The guy rarely makes sense, rambling on about sharks, Hannibal Lecter (whom he appears to believe is a real person AND a stand-up guy), windmills, and now snakes. Constantly, he confuses facts (ahem, LIES), politicians (who he's running against), people (Pelosi, his own doctor, etc.), how many World Wars there've been, and let's not forget "2 Corinthians," this coming from a great, self-proclaimed Christian with numerous bibles in his house (no doubt kept right next to his classified, stolen documents in the Golden Bathroom).


He scares me. So, I made a mistake and posted Trump's word soup quote (which I lifted from another poster) on Facebook (where EVERYTHING is true, don't ya' know?).

Here's a reply (sic) I got: "Youre obviously clueless. The snake is a fabke Trump says in rallies. Now why don't we talk about Bidens uncle eaten by cannibals?"

Okay! I looooove social media!

Let's take this at each point.

A) Yes, I guess I am obviously clueless because Trump's quote makes absolutely no sense to me. My fault for being a dummy. Totes. But...but...can the MAGA loyal decipher his nonsense? Do they have special  decoder rings that descramble Trump's cryptic ramblings? Are the MAGA core flying higher on a mental plain that we lowly Democrats are unable to achieve? Please! I wanna know if I'm missing out on something special.


B) True, I was clueless about Trump's snake "fabke (is that a Russian tasty treat?)," so I decided to edumacate myself. It's not a fable at all, but apparently lyrics to a song entitled "The Snake." At his rallies, Trump whips out a paper and reads the lyrics about a tender-hearted woman who rescues a half-frozen snake only to have it bite her. There you have it! Obviously America is the tender-hearted woman and the vile, blood-poisoning snake is an illegal immigrant. I'm not that smart (remember I'm clueless) to figure out Trump's metaphor; it's Trump's Cliff Notes explanation after he reads the lyrics. (Other Note: Trump misattributed the song to Al Wilson.)


C) Yes, being clueless, I'd never heard of Biden's uncle being eaten by cannibals. But, straight from Biden himself, he's attributed the remains of his uncle (World War 2 fighter pilot downed near New Guinea) to have been eaten by cannibals. Yumpin' Yiminy! Okay, admittedly, the story does sound kinda crazy (you know, like something that doddering, drunken uncle at a wedding reception might recount), but Biden's put it out there twice. And, in the past, he's had his fair share of moments of "embellishing" the truth. But at least his story made sense.



Wrapping up here, make sure you vote in November. I don't care who you vote for, but please, please, PLEASE make sure you vote for someone who at least is coherent and can string together a sentence. Do a write-in candidate if you must. You know, someone logical, sane, and coherent like Gary Busey.

If you're sick to death of what passes for the sorry state of American politics and worried about November, read a book! Here...I just happen to have some suggestions, all of them fine and available here!



Friday, May 17, 2024

Pyro City, Pyro City, PYRO CITY!

You know, whenever we travel through Missouri, I'm always tickled by the gigantuous fireworks store just off the highway (conveniently located for yokels to drop in and pick 'em up 'splosives, perfect for the pyro on the go) called "Pyro City." If you've ever traveled along the highway around these parts, I'm certain you've seen it to. It's just a scooch down yonder from "Guns, Gas & Chicken" and just a holler away from "Porn Empornium."

But after I nearly burned down our house recently (twice!), I'm less hesitant to make a dumb joke about it, particularly while riding shotgun with my wife. To say she wasn't pleased is an understatement.

I blame it on the stoopid crab cakes (of course they're artificial crab cakes, I can't afford the real deal). When they go on sale at the grocery store, I snag about ten of them and freeze 'em. Ideal for microwaving, right?

WRONG!

Apparently, I had forgotten how long you microwave them from frozen. I wildly overestimated and tossed them in there for fourteen minutes. (I'd say I was having a "blonde day," but everyone knows that ain't right as I'm follicularly challenged).

I retired to the TV room awaiting the crispy, golden delicacy soon to be mine. After about seven minutes, it started smelling good. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Another five minutes go by and I'm thinking gosharoonie, I wonder if I should check them?

When I lean back to look into the kitchen, there's a huge cloud of smoke swirling in the air.

In a panic, I race to the kitchen, dogs coughing at my heel, and whip open the microwave door. Smoke billows out like an unfolding foam  mattress, clouding the kitchen to the point where I can't see in front of me. The smoke alarm goes off. Using an oven mitt, I take the offending crab cake out of the microwave and take it outside, where it continues to smolder.

Naturally, this all happened on a day when my wife was working upstairs. She left her online meeting to race downstairs and holler, "What happened?"


Well. Crab cakes happened. The work I had to do to try to air the house out was a gargantuan task. Candles were lit, windows were opened on a chilly day, and fans were set to spinning. Constantly, I microwaved vinegar in hopes for a "ta-dahhh" resolution to no avail. If you've ever burnt popcorn in the microwave, imagine that smell multiplied 300 times.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's been so long since I've microwaved crab cakes, I forgot how long to do it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

But no manner of penance could change the horrific odor lingering in the house. For days, it reeked. My wife even threw in the towel and bought a new microwave, as I forlornly said goodbye to my old electrical appliance pal.

After about a week, the house was pretty much back to normal and all was forgiven. Or it would've been if I didn't do the exact same thing again. Hey! I cut the microwave time down to seven minutes! I was pretty sure that's how long I did them years ago!

For a while, my wife forbade me to use the microwave. Probably a good idea. Welcome to Pyro City!

Speaking of people making some incredibly bad life choices, meet Tex McKenna, teenage male witch. He makes quite a few dumb decisions, but hey! They're all in support of catching a high school serial killer, how dumb could they be? (In Tex's defense, he's excused because he's a teenager. Whereas, I'm still making poor microwaving choices.) Read about Tex's eerie, funny, socially topical escapades in the Tex, The Witch Boy trilogy available here!



Friday, August 5, 2022

Like a Phoenix...Tex, the Witch Boy Rises Again!

Being in high school sucks.

Oh, sure, I know it didn't suck for everyone, not the popular kids. But to me, high school was torturous, every day filled with bullies (of the student and teacher variety); cliques that snubbed me for ludicrous reasons based on status, sports, money, and privilege; the simultaneous joy and terror of possible burgeoning romance and the ensuing fear of rejection; and worst of all...dodge-ball, the most insidious trauma and physical pain inflicted on young boys.

All of these things are present in Tex, the Witch Boy. What is Tex, the Witch Boy, I hear you asking (or maybe that's the sound of your nodding off...I dunno, hard to tell through the intronets)? Anyhoo, I'm glad you asked! Tex, the Witch Boy is the very first novel I wrote and had published (I got spoiled; my very first submission turned into a pick-up). Unfortunately, the publisher went down and abandoned Tex amidst a sea of orphaned books.

Until now! The good folks at The Wild Rose Press have tossed Tex a life preserver, pulled him into dry, and have now republished his exploits!

I'm proud of this book. Not only is it my very first attempt at writing, but I did it on the sly. I didn't even tell my wife and daughter I was writing a book. You know...back to that fear of rejection thing. But apparently it worked. To this day, my wife still says the books one of her favorites.

Of course, it's highly autobiographical. It's me exorcising my high school demons. However...I'm not a witch, not like Tex is. Tex finds out in his sophomore year that he's inherited witch powers, which just complicates his already messed up high school life. Oh...and, yeah...there wasn't a mysterious serial killer roaming the halls of my high school (that I know of), knocking off bullies and others. Not like in the book.

But everything else is true (for the most part)! All of the bullying incidents either happened to myself or a friend of mine. To this day, one of my best friends still can't fully use three fingers on his hand (you'll have to read the book to see which incident I'm referring to). From the misfit teens who find one another, to the hard hawk-nosed authoritarian principal who picks on the underdog students, to the sadistic high school teacher, to the truly insane bullies, to the nerd who gloriously reigned on the skateboard, and the cool, rebel girl who everyone either feared or loved, they're all here, still fresh from my memories. (Or from my daughter's days in high school captivity).

And when I said that I was exorcising my high school demons? Tex, um, has his own exorcism to take care of. A much more frightening one. You'll see...

More importantly, I hope the book finds a wider audience as the powerful anti-bullying theme is just as pertinent today as to when I was in school in the late '70's. Parents need to be aware and teens need to know that things get better.

Hey! Watch the cool trailer video I had made years ago for Tex (just ignore the old cover and publisher)!


Even better news, The Wild Rose Press is picking up the other three books in the series, with the second one slated for September (but more on that when the day approaches).

As a first time writer, I crammed everything into this book: humor, mystery, love, suspense, horror, pathos, action...you know...kinda like uncertain, chaotic high school life. (If you read carefully, you'll even find a kitchen sink in there). By all indications, the meshing of all these genres shouldn't work. But ask the 51 critics and readers who've given it a 4.7 outta 5 rating on Amazon. Or even better, ask my wife (and the smart money is on never disagreeing with her!).

Ah, hell, make up your own mind. That's Tex, the Witch Boy, available here and other fine online retailers.


 

Friday, January 24, 2020

My Special Own Bully

Back in the day, there was a kid who chose to bully me for being overweight from seventh grade up through twelfth grade. At that time, I lost about 100 pounds, so he stopped bullying me because clearly, it just wasn't fun any longer. Tough crowd.

Let's call him Jimmy Mohawk.
Man, did Jimmy freak me out. Scary with crazy eyes and a pinched, fox-like face, the guy had several screws loose. I'd always suspected it, but one night he proved my theory particularly well. I was with a friend, walking the mean streets of Mission, Kansas (so, soooo mean) one night, when we ran into my nemesis. Screaming at the top of his lungs with his cohorts, he found a metal pipe and began bashing it into a light-post, threatening to kill me. We just kinda walked away hoping he wouldn't follow through with his death threat.

Turned out the buddy I was with was Jimmy's hesitant locker partner. Jimmy Mohawk played his particularly insane brand of cray on him when he assassinated my pal's lunch sandwich and spread it all over the locker. Fun in junior high!

Oh, I could take Jimmy's constant name-calling and threats. I could even handle his sticking his leg out in classroom aisles, trying to trip me. And since he never succeeded in tripping me (I always high-stepped over the jack-ass' leg), that just pissed him off more. He came after me with a vengeance.

So, desperate, for the first time ever, I went to my big brother for help. He said, "Just go up to him and tell him you're not gonna take it any more."

I thought about it. The next day, in the gym locker room, I took in a deep breath, and did just that. I couldn't believe Jimmy's response. He acted like I was nuts, said he never bullied me, didn't know what I was talking about. But he was clearly shaken.

I went home, had a great weekend. King of the world! Until Monday. When Jimmy came back harder than ever. Absolutely psycho nuts, because no one had ever talked to him like that.

Sigh. It was a long, hard five years of terror. And it was the last time I ever went to my older brother for advice.

Now, through the miracle of technology and writing, let's jump ahead to 2019!

Here's the best part of my tale of teenage woe. Several months ago, a fellow high school graduate (a year below me), asked me to become a part of her Facebook page based on crude humor. Who else was a member of the group?

Why, insane, bullying, prince of prickery, lil' Jimmy Mohawk! I called him out on the site, because, you know, it's the internet and that's how you're expected to behave.

I wrote, "Jimmy Mohawk! My own personal bully of five years! Hah!"

Quickly, he befriended me and claimed he'd never bullied me, never did any of the things I detailed, and here's the funniest part--get this...you ready for it?--he said he ALWAYS stood up for the underdog!

Wait...what?

Delusion can be a powerful tool utilized by "tools" to rewrite themselves as the hero of their own tale.

I tried to get him to come onto my blog so I could interview him. Wouldn't that have been something, a first, I think. Of course, he had no interest in doing so. I'm pretty sure he didn't even know what a blog was.

He did, however, keep asking me to call him and talk things out. No interest on my part. Once crazy, always crazy. Alas, our rekindled "friendship" was meant to be a short-lived one.

Speaking of crazy-ass bullies, Jimmy Mohawk is featured in my young adult Tex, the Witch Boy series (under the name "Johnny Malinowski"). Based in part on my experiences of being bullied, the books should be read by any teen (or parent) who's ever been tormented in school. Hey, I have no shame!

Friday, July 5, 2019

The (Un)Luck of the Irish with Eileen O'Finlan


SRW: Eileen O’Finlan. Go on. Everyone say it. Get it out of your system (And I can hear you over the introwebs, using your crappy Irish accents learned from dirty bar jokes. I do it, too.). 

But, Ms. O’Finlan is also an author. Damn good one, too. Her first book (First book? Really?) is catnip for historical fiction and romance fans. I read her epic tale, Kelegeen, of the 1800’s Ireland potato famine and the effects on the poor inhabitants of said town and was magically transported and entranced. I had to hit up Ms. O’Finlan (Okay, I’m gonna knock this polite stuff off right now)—Eileen—for an interview.

Hey there, Eileen, thanks for being a sport and putting up with my nonsense. It may not be easy, but welcome!

EOF:  Hi Stuart.  Thanks for inviting me.

SRW: Alright, before we get to your magnificent book, Kelegeen, let’s talk about you a bit. I understand you’re a big fan of paranormal books. A little ghost also put a whisper in my ear that you may’ve lived in a haunted house. Spill like the wind!

EOF:  It’s true.  Between the ages of 2-6 we lived in a house that I’m sure was haunted, though I think it was really the land, not the house.  The house wasn’t old and the houses on either side of ours had “trouble” too.  This was in Worcester, Massachusetts.  Strange things happened in that house.  For example my mom and I both experienced times when we felt like someone was standing right behind us, but no one was there.  One evening when my dad was taking night classes, Mom was home with my sister, Cindy, and me.  Cindy was asleep in her room on the second floor and I was asleep in my room on the first floor.  Mom was reading in the living room when she distinctly heard footsteps walking up the basement stairs.  It was impossible for her to get both of us kids out of the house in time so she grabbed the fireplace poker and stood at the door waiting to whack anyone who opened it.  That’s where she was a short time later when Dad got home.  She told him what had happened and that she’d never heard the footsteps go back down the stairs.  Dad, being Dad, took the poker, opened the door (no one was there) and went downstairs.  There was no one in the basement and the bulkhead door was locked from the inside.

A few other times, I experienced seeing a woman and a young girl dressed in black sitting on the window seat in our living room.  The woman said only one thing – “No news.”  I can’t remember what she looked like, but years later when my mom related this story to me, I vividly remembered the words “no news” spoken in a melancholy tone.  Shivers ran down my spine.  Years later, I read an article in a history magazine that told of how women during the Civil War who had husbands/brothers/sons/fathers fighting, but hadn’t heard from them in a while would inquire about them whenever regiments passed through town.  The request for information would be passed down the line of soldiers and if no one knew anything of them, the response that would come back would be “no news.”  I nearly fell off my seat when I read that!  No Civil War battles were fought anywhere near that spot, but I suppose soldiers could have come through the area.  I guess I’ll never know for sure.

As for our neighbors, they reported such things as objects moving by themselves, rapping noises, and the like.  I often wonder if the people living in those houses today have experienced anything unusual. There is a hill behind the house.  It’s called Stratton Hill, but when I lived there we called it Blueberry Hill.  There are apartment buildings on it now that weren’t there when we lived at the foot of it.  I wonder if they’re haunted.

One might think that after such an experience I would not want anything to do with the paranormal. To tell the truth I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with it.  I’m fascinated by it, probably because I want to know what was really going on in that house, but at the same time I don’t want to personally experience anything like that again.  It was VERY scary.  So I enjoy reading and writing about it, but would rather not repeat the experience.  I think.

SRW: Man, if only I could have the luck of the ghosts. (But, truth be told, I’m sure if I experienced a haunting, I’d probably renege on that wish). Anyway…let’s get on to your assured debut, Kelegeen. Tell everyone what the book’s about. And make it an enthrallingly short, yet hooky description. Bonus points if you can do it in verse. (Beatboxing is encouraged as well).

EOF:  Verse or beatboxing…umm, no. 
Kelegeen is the story of a peasant village during the time of An Gorta Mór, the Great Hunger, (aka the Irish Potato Famine).  Father Brian O’Malley is pastor of Saint Mary’s Parish in the town of Kelegeen.  It is his job to shepherd his people through one of the most horrific times in Irish history.  One of his parishioners, Meg O’Connor, is eagerly awaiting her upcoming marriage to Rory Quinn when the blight hits destroying the food supply for the entire village (as well as the whole country, as it turned out).  Instead of marriage, their focus and that of their families, turns to survival.  At first they are able to help their families survive by using their skills of sewing and wood carving, but a costly mistake and a devastating accident end those means and they are forced to turn to more dangerous ventures.  As the Great Hunger continues to churn through Ireland, starvation and disease form a deadly combination.  In the end, Meg must make a choice that will either be their salvation or separate her forever from all she knows and loves.  Along with all that, there is some good old Irish paranormal activity such as Meg’s mother’s eerie premonitions and Father O’Malley’s visitations by his ghostly long lost love.

SRW: Thanks to my professional research assistant (Ms. Google), I discovered Kelegeen isn’t a true town in Ireland. Is it based on any particular place? Have you visited Ireland for research? 

EOF:  Ms. Google is correct.  Kelegeen is not a real town in Ireland.  In fact, I employed Ms. Google to make certain it wasn’t before going ahead with the name.  I didn’t want to have to stick to the true history of a real place, preferring some fictional leeway.  It is, however, loosely based on the real town of Skibbereen, which was one of the hardest hit towns during the Great Hunger.  

Oh, how I wish I could say that I’ve visited Ireland, but alas, I have not.  Not yet, anyway.  I sincerely hope to get there someday.  I am tremendously gratified whenever someone who’s read Kelegeen tells me how much it reminds them of Ireland, especially those whose parents or grandparents came from Ireland.  It’s good to know I got the feel of it right.  Phew!

SRW: Things are pretty grim going for the folks in Kelegeen. The starving residents are eating tree bark. Surely, this isn’t that nutritious. (I asked my wife—a medical professional—about the nutritional value of tree bark; she said it’d be nil and people would probably have a hard time digesting it; no wonder Euell Gibbons died at an early age). Did the starving Irish actually do this?

EOF:   Sadly, yes.  They also ate grass. And seaweed.  And whatever else they could get their hands on.  I suppose that when one is in that severe a state of starvation, they aren’t stopping to think about nutrition.  Just to have the feeling of something in the belly is a relief of a sort to the gnawing pain of starvation.

It’s my understanding that there aren’t many trees in Ireland today.  I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I’ve heard it’s because of the bark that was stripped and eaten from them.  Stripping a tree of its bark kills the tree.  I guess the trees didn’t fare much better than the people.

SRW: There are a lot of words I’d never heard before, Irish terms, but now I’m an expert thanks to your book. That’s all it takes. For example, after watching a couple seasons of the Olympics, I can tell when a perfect Sowkow is landed. Anyone care to guess what a Scalpeen is? Eileen, please explain what that word means and if it’s specific to Ireland during the famine.

EOF:  A scalpeen is a three-sided structure (two walls and a roof) built by the Irish during the Great Hunger.  When the cottiers couldn’t pay their rent they were evicted and their homes torn down or burned.  With nowhere to live they built scalpeens, usually hidden in hillsides to escape notice.  Often they could use some of the scraps of their torn down homes.  It was the “lucky” ones who could build a scalpeen.  Many lived in a “scalp” which was simply a hole in the ground.

Here is an image of a scalpeen in Donegal:  
 (Image from Donegal Generations by Tom Gallen)
 
Not much, but a better option for living in than a scalp as seen here:  
 (Image from Donegal Generations by Tom Gallen)
 
SRW: Along the same line of query, what I couldn’t understand is these evil, Trumpian landlords would evict the suffering, starving families from the cottages they own, and then tear them down. Um, doesn’t that go against good ol’ fashioned capitalistic goals of constantly making money by renting to another family?

EOF:  What you need to understand, Stuart, is that the British hated the Irish, mainly for reasons of religion.  It’s too long to go into here, but Ireland had been taken over by the British going all the way back to the 1600s.  The British had outlawed Roman Catholicism, the predominant religion of Ireland, taken the land and most of the rights from the Irish people (unless they converted to Protestantism, which most refused to do) and made them tenants on what was once their own land. All sorts of restrictions known as the Penal Laws had been inflicted on the Irish by their British overlords and had been in force for centuries.  By about 16 years prior to the famine some of the worst of the penal laws had been repealed and Catholicism was tolerated (barely), but the Irish people still didn’t own their own land.  Nor could they vote, carry a gun, own a horse, hold political office, etc.  They were considered by the British to be an indolent, lazy, filthy people who did not deserve any better.   This discrimination had been drilled into the British psyche over centuries.  Though the British did not cause the blight or the Great Hunger that ensued, they did see it as a blessing from God – a punishment on the Irish for the sin of Catholicism (or “popery” as they more often called it) and thought of it as a perfect way to rid the land of the Irish so that it could be re-inhabited by English and Scotch Protestants.  They also wanted the lands the Irish peasants lived on for pasturing their own livestock.

The Great Hunger lasted six years.  As it continued to worsen, many people tried to escape by leaving for other countries.  A small amount of British landlords paid for the passage of their tenants, more to get them off the land than to help them, though most were not that generous.  Proposals for government-assisted emigration from Ireland were denied by Sir Charles Trevelyan, the Director of the British government’s so-called “Irish Relief Measures.”  Trevelyan stated that, “the great evil with which we have to contend, is not the physical evil of the famine, but the moral evil of the selfish, perverse, and turbulent character of the Irish people.”

The London Times referred to the Famine as “a great blessing” and a “valuable opportunity for settling the vexed question of Irish discontent.” The Times advocated replacing evicted Irish by imported English and Scottish farmers who would, in their eyes, be thrifty, loyal, and Protestant.
Given all this, it would not have made sense from the British landlords’ point of view to replace one evicted Irish tenant family with another.

SRW: Alright, enough history blather! Let’s get into specifics. Eileen, I have to ask… Are you a closet sadist? You certainly put every character in the book through the ringer until few are left (barely) standing. Pretty much one small victorious step forward, three deaths back. Evil, I say, evil!

EOF:  LOL!!! No, I don’t think I’m a closet sadist.  I’m right out in the open.  (Just kidding).  You try writing a story about something like the Great Hunger and see how upbeat it is!  All joking aside, I’ve had some thoughts about that.  People do tell me that though they loved the book it was hard to read.  I get that, but what did they expect?  There are many books set in concentration camps during the Shoah (aka Holocaust).  (I’m reading one right now – The Tattooist of Auschwitcz).  These books can be brutal to read, but the reader expects that, don’t they?  Yet, Kelegeen sometimes gets castigated for being so grim.  What gives?  I think I might have figured it out.  If I’m right, it comes from the fact that people know a lot about the horrors of the Shoah, having learned about it in school and seen many movies and read many books about it.  I can’t count the times readers have said to me, “I’d heard of the Irish Potato Famine, but I had no idea what it was all about.  I didn’t know it was so awful.  I didn’t know how much people suffered, what they endured.  I learned so much from this book.” 
To me, that is very telling.  Why hasn’t An Gorta Mór been given a greater presence in American classrooms?  My suspicion is because it doesn’t reflect well on the British who are long-time American allies whereas the Germans were our enemies in two World Wars.  Also, when Irish immigrants began arriving in America, they weren’t exactly welcome.  Remember the “No Irish Need Apply” signs?  The Know-Nothing political party which was strongest at the time of the arrival of the Famine Irish was extremely anti-Catholic, anti-immigrant, and anti-Irish.  I think the lack of teaching about An Gorta Mór is a hold- over from times when Americans would prefer not to lay any blame at the doorstep of the British or their descendents.  I could be wrong, but that’s my suspicion.  

I also think it’s time that changed.  I’m not out to make the British look bad.  In fact, I worried about that when I was writing Kelegeen.  Despite the reality of the situation, I didn’t want to make the British people look like monsters and was careful to include some balance in the good and bad to be found within both the British and the Irish.  However, when I brought up this dilemma to one of my writing mentors, she reminded me that the British did not build one of history’s biggest and greatest empires by being nice.  I guess no one does.  I don’t feel Kelegeen is a reflection on the British people of today or their descendents.  It’s just a piece of history.  American history certainly has its own share of misdeeds, to put it mildly.

SRW: As an author, personally I’m curious as to who you see as the main protagonist: Meg or Father O’Malley…

EOF:  Meg.  Definitely, Meg.  It’s funny because when I started I would have said Father O’Malley.  The genesis of this book began with an assignment given to me by my Irish history professor when I was working on my undergraduate degree in history.  He proposed that I keep a diary as if I were a parish priest during the time of the Great Hunger.  A priest was the perfect character for this because he would have known what was going on, had the confidence of his parishioners, was very involved in trying to alleviate their spiritual and physical struggles, and had a bigger picture of the overall workings of the parish territory which he shepherded.  I loved that assignment.  When I completed it, I realized I had the skeleton of a novel.  That’s when the idea to create a novel from the fictional diary was born.
However, as I wrote the novel, Meg grew into a powerful character who captivated me.  Somehow, I was able to put myself in her place more readily than that of any other character.  Father O’Malley is a great champion for his people, but Meg O’Connor, a simple peasant girl, is a force to be reckoned with for sure!

SRW: To me the highlight of the book hit at the midpoint; the wake for a lost loved one, done with love, care, religion, and bare means. The details are fascinating, the atmosphere riveting. Particularly how loved ones are supposed to rise above it and prepare a mangled body for a decent, God-shipped send-off. All truth?

EOF:  Yes indeed.  The Irish wake is the stuff of legends.  Of course, as the starving dragged on, it was more and more difficult to keep up with these customs and rituals.  People no longer had the strength for it so often had to reluctantly forego it.  The American wake was very real, though, and was held whenever possible.

SRW: Actually, it seems that more importance was put on giving proper Christian burials rather than feeding the living at times, at least in regard to little money spent.

EOF:  Yes.  The Irish of that time were a profoundly spiritual people.  They believed whole-heartedly in an afterlife – one that was far more important and better than the earthly life.  I don’t find this at all surprising for a people who spent centuries enduring unending cruelty, hardship and degradation.  What else had they to look forward to with great longing but a glorious eternal life?  So it was important to make the send off worthy of it.

SRW: SO… It’s nothing new, particularly with the state of the world right now, but there’s a lot of hatred between the imperialist invaders and natives. Sigh. Nothing seems to change, even though we should know better by now.

EOF:  You got that right!  As I work on the research for the sequel, most of which will take place in America (Worcester, Massachusetts to be exact), the more I find that history is once again repeating itself.  In the 1800s it was the Know-Nothing party causing the most trouble.  They referred to themselves as “nativists” or “native Americans” and they did not mean by that what we mean today by Native Americans. They meant people whose British ancestors colonized the northeastern part of this country.  They truly believed they were the only people entitled to live here.  (Apparently, they forgot all about the true Native Americans who were already here and who their forebears displaced or wiped out.)  Many of them wanted to send the Irish and other non-Protestant immigrants back to their home countries.  They spoke of being afraid of immigrants overrunning the country and of America being taking over by the Pope.  They also used the term “America First.”  They may have been the originators of that term, but I’m not sure.

SRW: Let’s talk about “magic realism,” a subgenre of fiction made popular particularly by Latin America’s most famous authors. It’s a realistic narrative touched by elements of magic. I would say Kelegeen falls into that category. Am I off-track, Eileen?

EOF:  No, you are not off-track.  I love magical realism.  Considering the “unusual” experiences I’ve had in my own life, some so-call “magic” seems quite real to me. I’m far from the only person who can say that. So it feels to me like it’s simply a part of life.  To quote the Bard, “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”  I totally believe that to be true.

SRW: We have the ever-appearing comb and the spirit of Siobhan lingering over the entire proceedings. It’s kinda magical, don’t tell me it’s not! Don’t make me come over there!

EOF:  Stuart, you can come over anytime you want, but I’ll never tell you those elements aren’t magical.  With all the grimness of the famine, those things brought in some lighter moments – what my awesome editor and fellow BWL author, Eileen Charbonneau, referred to as “the grace notes” of the novel.

SRW: Alright, are you continuing Meg’s adventures in America (belated spoiler alert!) and her trials to reconnect with her family? Damn well better, that’s all I’m sayin’.

EOF:  Absolutely!  I was always planning a sequel to Kelegeen, though I had thought of writing a different story first.  However, so many readers have been after me for a sequel, I realized it would have to be my next novel.  Everyone wants to know what happens to the characters that survived.  I am currently deeply immersed in the research for the sequel and have begun the first draft.  I’m on Chapter 3 as of this writing.  I am greatly enjoying researching and writing the sequel.  I promise it will be much more upbeat than Kelegeen.  The focus will be on the characters that come to America, but readers will get to find out what happens to those who stayed behind as well.  

I’m having a blast writing this novel.  It gives me such pleasure to improve the lives of my beloved characters who have been through such horror and devastation.  Not that everything is perfect for them.  After all, if there’s no conflict, there’s no story.  But it’s a different kind of conflict and they have better resources at their disposal.  There are plenty of new characters in the sequel, too.  I’m enjoying getting to know them and I hope readers will, too.

SRW: Can you dance an Irish jig?

EOF: I don’t think I’ve ever tried.  I was a gymnast and I took ballet, tap, and jazz when I was in middle school and high school.  Had I tried then, I probably could have done it.  Now, not likely or at least not well.

SRW: Do you like Lucky Charms? (Sorry, sorry, a thousand sorries…)

EOF:  You should be!  But you’re forgiven.  I did when I was a kid.  Nowadays, I’m into the organic scene.

SRW: After your Kelegeen sequel, what’s up next for you, Eilleen?

EOF:  Hopefully, I’ll get to that book I was going to write next, but had to put aside to work on the sequel.  It will be set in 1830s Vermont with the New England Vampire Panic as the backdrop.  So that there’s no confusion or dashed hopes, I’ll say right now that there will not be any vampires in it.  But it will be dark, eerie, and historically accurate.  For those who wonder what on earth the New England Vampire Panic was I encourage you to check out this Smithsonian article: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-great-new-england-vampire-panic-36482878/
Since I was in middle school, I’ve been fascinated with the Salem Witch Hysteria so I’d also like to write a novel set during that time. 

I have a plethora of historical fiction novel ideas swimming around in my mind.  I just hope I live long enough to write all of them!

By the way, I also have ideas for contemporary fiction, so that may come at some point.  Historical fiction is my favorite, though, so I’ll be focusing on that for the foreseeable future with one exception.  I have been working for a few years on a story featuring my two cats, Smokey and Autumn Amelia.  In this story, there are no humans at all, but all the animals are highly anthropomorphized.  Smokey is an architect with Fluffington ArCATechture and Autumn is a savant baker and chef.  I amuse the heck out of myself writing this story as well as the few people who I’ve let read early drafts.  It’s got a serious theme, but is written in what I hope is a hysterically funny manner.  My biggest problem is I have no idea what genre this story falls into.  It’s kind of Beatrix Potter’s Peter Rabbit meets Orwell’s Animal Farm.  Someone told me it might be a modern day fable.  Maybe, but that doesn’t sound very exciting to me.  And I’m telling you, anyone who likes animals (think crazy cat ladies, here) will get the biggest charge out of it so I hope it will eventually find a publishing home.

SRW: Finally, where can interested readers/fans/stalkers find you on the world-wide introwebs?

EOF:  My website is at:  https://www.eileenofinlan.com/  If you scroll down on the homepage you can sign up for my monthly newsletter to be kept up-to-date on everything going on with Kelegeen, the sequel and, everybody’s favorite section “The Cats’ Corner” written by those two wacky felines of mine.

You can also find me on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/eileenofinlanauthor/
Purchase of Kelegeen can be made on:
Amazon              BarnesandNoble.com    Kobo    
You can also go to the buypages on my website or BWL Publishing, Inc. page listed above for places to purchase.

SRW: Hey! There you have it, folks! If you’re a fan of historical fiction, I encourage you to get on Kelegeen stat. That’s an order. Thanks so much for being a good sport and guest, Eileen.

EOF:  My pleasure, Stuart!