The Last, Worstest Nightmare Ever

Congratulations, America! You've elected an insane, mind-mushed, power-hungry, lying, raping, racist, convicted felon as the leader of our country! Yay! And he's got unlimited power, thanks to you, the American people, and his allies, the Supreme Court! Huzzah! 

I've been playing Chicken Little for some time now, while others around me have been saying "no way Trump's gonna win." But I knew it. Felt it in my craw (what exactly IS a craw?) like an annoying, persistent case of poison ivy. Or V.D., a more apt comparison.

Still, it's mind-boggling that some jackass could win the presidency on the "Stay Outta Prison" campaign.

Yep, it's the worstest nightmare, but somewhat inevitable, too, I suppose. Had Trump not won, it would not have been over, not by a long shot. This guy would've been crying "cheat!" for another endless four years. Wash, rinse, repeat, sigh.

Even though I suspected this tragic outcome, it still baffles me that anyone would have voted for him. Aren't you guys tired of him yet? Even when not president, the orange one dominated headlines over the past four years. He just. WON'T. SHUT. UP.

I have to take it, though, that's what America's all about. I guess. Even though Trump has blatantly said he's just going to be president to the MAGA worshippers, I still have to accept our country's decision.

And, gee, it's just been a couple of weeks, he's not even acting president yet, but let's look at some of his stellar accomplishments so far... hmmm... well...

Oh! Matt Gaetz has been picked as attorney general. Clearly, he's the right guy for the job as he's an alleged child sex trafficker. This just gets better and better!

Let's see...okay! We have a covid denier and an anti-vaxxer, please welcome RFK, Jr., the obvious perfect candidate for Secretary of Health.

Secretary of Defense? A natural! Pete Hegseth, of course, a Fox news commentator who's been accused of sexual assault, a fine choice.

The list goes on and on, a veritable clown car of MAGA acolytes and ass-kissers and billionaire buddies with no experience.

You guys asked for it. Now you're gonna get it. (My wife has a new slogan: "Let's make politics boring again!")

The title of this blog post is "The Last, Worstest Nightmare Ever." Why is it the "last?" Because the next four years could truly be apocalyptic. But, also, it's the last time (at least for the foreseeable future) that I'm going to rant about Trump. I give up. I concede.

How am I choosing to go forward? By ignoring the news. For eight years, I've been on the edge of my seat regarding Trump and his cronies' antics, hoping they would end. No such luck. So I'm going back to being blissfully ignorant. I was happier back in the day, when politics (or what passes as "politics") didn't bother me. I've heard what Trump says, read what he thinks, know what he's capable of doing, no need to doomscroll through it all over again. Until he blows up the world, it's no matter to me.

Last week, I got in an argument with a friend. I ended it by saying "fine, you just go on your merry way with your raping, racist president." After a long moment's silence, she says, "he's not a racist...he's NOT a racist."

Ain't it funny how she didn't negate his rapiness? As has over half our country? They're treating his rape allegations like a "character flaw."

And everyone I know who voted for Trump, always prefaces their choice by saying, "I don't like Trump. He's kind of a jerk. But, hellz yeah, I'm voting for him."

Huh.

How does that even make sense?

Whatever.

I'm done. Welcome to the new world.

Peace out!

Cats and Dogs Are On the Menu!

"Immigration...immigration...immigration...immigrants are poisoning the blood of our country...immigration, bla, bla, bla...They're eating the cats and dogs of Springfield..."

 Wait...WHAT?

"Immigrants are eating the pets of Springfield...immigration...immigration...immigration...I love rich, white men...immigration...immigration...bla, bla, bla..."

That's what I THOUGHT he said. Me and millions of others witnessed this latest lunacy and lie amongst Trump's debacle of a debate against Kamala Harris.

I nearly fell asleep listening to Trump rant and rage through his only campaign issue (guess what...yep! Immigration!), until he jolted me awake with his pet eating accusation. That's a fun, new twist!

But, honestly, it's the same ol' tired racism just on steroids. As far back as the 1800's, "Amuricans" have been accusing immigrants (it started with the Chinese population) of eating their pets, merely because there's a difference in skin color. And Trump's out there blatantly floating MARA ("Make America Racist Again"), even though the debate moderator debunked Trump's lie about Haitians eating pets, coming from Springfield, Ohio's city manager himself. Trump doesn't care. Because of his self-serving and dangerous racism and hatred and desire to divide, Springfield's had to evacuate schools and other public facilities due to threats.

Fun!

If the Trump loyalists would wake up and think about it, ALL of us are immigrants of a sort, descended from people from other countries (unless you're a Native American, but that's a tragedy best saved for another rant). And the racists are shamelessly tugging on people's heartstrings, because what's one thing EVERYONE likes and can agree on? PUPPIES AND KITTIES! 

(Me, I prefer the Spaniel Spaghetti and the Kitty Corn Dogs. I kid, I kid!)

Do we really want this racist clown "leading" our country? Leading us straight over a cliff like so many lemmings?

I mean c'mon! Even Taylor Swift, the most powerful person in the world, has endorsed Kamala, so that should speak volumes! (Okay, sure she's a "Psy-Op Agent for Socialism," but she maintains more credibility than, say...rapper Ye, white nationalist Nick Fuentes, and the MyPillow guy, three of Trump's trusted "cabinet members.")

So, this November, make the right call. Please. Now...pass the critter fritters...

Speaking of tall tales and lies, have you read my book, Ghosts of Gannaway? It's a meticulously researched, absolutely 100% true historical account of a doomed Midwest mining town. And everything actually happened! Well...maybe except for the ghosts. But other than that, it's totally true! Kinda...if you sorta ignore the part about the deadly native-american curse, the yellow-eyed fever, the haunted museum, ghosts past and present, a murderous conspiracy, and many other things. But you can read the ENTIRELY TRUE historical, supernatural novel HERE!

I Had Too Much To Dream Last Night

So I had just fallen asleep. Dreamland whisked me away to an impossible, yet all too real at the time, nightmare scenario.

My boss (from a mysterious, unremembered job) signed me up to box Donald Trump. Having no say in the matter, I dreaded the event until the day of, when I suddenly realized I didn't even know where the venue was or what time I was to show up (pretty typical "dream logic" for me). Finally, some ex-co-worker from my last job (NEVER liked the guy) told me it was at a "Home and Garden Show" in downtown Kansas City.

So I showed up in a suit with hard, pointy dress shoes. The panicked small Asian guy who was in charge of the event asked, "Where are your boxing clothes?"

I pointed to my suit and said, "Ahhhh...this is all I have. Nobody told me anything."

The event was being promoted everywhere and I felt like the entire future of the country was weighing on my shoulders to beat the former president in the boxing ring. I worried that I was so out-of-shape now, that Trump might pummel me. Worse, I dreaded his inevitable name-calling, doxing, and bullying.

I'll never know how I fared in the battle as I woke up in a fevered sweat. With boxing gloves next to my bed. (Okay, I made up that last part because I thought it was post-ironic funny. Take that, hipsters!).

Now. What's my dream mean? I could posit some armchair, pop Freudian symbolism about how Trump represents a danger to the country and I feel threatened by him, but I'm not going to go there. (Although I just kinda went there anyway, didn't I?). Or perhaps it had to do with Trump's latest grift in a long line of griftiness, where if you buy ten of his NFT cards (only $100 bucks each!), you'll get a piece of his "knockout suit" to go with it! Wow! Bargain! (I wonder if Monica Lewinsky is selling pieces of her notorious dress. Ew. Sorry, sorry, sorry...). Or maybe it's the fact that this crazy felon is STILL dominating news headlines four years after he left the White House in shame.

I'll leave it up to you guys to decipher the deeper meaning of it all, although I'll leave you with one message: GO KAMALA!

For more nonsense, check out my Zach and Zora comical mystery series. Start with Bad Day in a Banana Hammock and unravel the wacky excitement from there!

Drowning in Word Soup

Okay, kids! I know it's summer, but what would summer be without a little summer school?  Oh, quit yer belly-aching, it's just a short pop quiz. Put on your thinking caps and your smart kicks and put away Tik-Tok because here we go!...

Which popular orange-coiffed clown recently said the following to a large crowd?

"And the fake news they go, he told this crazy story with electric. It's actually not crazy. It's sort of a smart story, right? Sort of like, you know, it's like the snake, it's a smart when you, you figure what you're leaving in, right? You're bringing it in the, you know, the snake, right? The snake and the snake. I tell that and they do the same thing."  June 23, 2024

Was it:

A) Ronald McDonald?

B) Beloved orange-haired comedian Carrot-Top?

C) Donald Trump?

DING, DING, DING! If you picked, "C," you win! Go to recess.

Yow! Can anyone make sense of that blast of word soup, noodling for coherency? It boggles my mind that half the country believes this man competent to lead (RULE!) our country. Now, for the sake of staying on track, I won't even get into what I believe to be all of Trump's other faults (cough*CONVICTED FELON*cough), but let's chat about mental competency.

First of all, to be fair, Biden scared the dickens out of me with his horrific debate "performance." Instead of an American president, I saw a doddering, forgetful old uncle that you keep trying to avoid at a wedding reception, but who finds you nonetheless. I tried to hold onto my belief in Biden, but there comes a time when you gotta say "No go, Joe! It was great while it lasted."

So, why does no-one talk about Trump's incoherency during his rallies or his wee hours of the morning Truth Social rants? The guy rarely makes sense, rambling on about sharks, Hannibal Lecter (whom he appears to believe is a real person AND a stand-up guy), windmills, and now snakes. Constantly, he confuses facts (ahem, LIES), politicians (who he's running against), people (Pelosi, his own doctor, etc.), how many World Wars there've been, and let's not forget "2 Corinthians," this coming from a great, self-proclaimed Christian with numerous bibles in his house (no doubt kept right next to his classified, stolen documents in the Golden Bathroom).

He scares me. So, I made a mistake and posted Trump's word soup quote (which I lifted from another poster) on Facebook (where EVERYTHING is true, don't ya' know?).

Here's a reply (sic) I got: "Youre obviously clueless. The snake is a fabke Trump says in rallies. Now why don't we talk about Bidens uncle eaten by cannibals?"

Okay! I looooove social media!

Let's take this at each point.

A) Yes, I guess I am obviously clueless because Trump's quote makes absolutely no sense to me. My fault for being a dummy. Totes. But...but...can the MAGA loyal decipher his nonsense? Do they have special  decoder rings that descramble Trump's cryptic ramblings? Are the MAGA core flying higher on a mental plain that we lowly Democrats are unable to achieve? Please! I wanna know if I'm missing out on something special.

B) True, I was clueless about Trump's snake "fabke (is that a Russian tasty treat?)," so I decided to edumacate myself. It's not a fable at all, but apparently lyrics to a song entitled "The Snake." At his rallies, Trump whips out a paper and reads the lyrics about a tender-hearted woman who rescues a half-frozen snake only to have it bite her. There you have it! Obviously America is the tender-hearted woman and the vile, blood-poisoning snake is an illegal immigrant. I'm not that smart (remember I'm clueless) to figure out Trump's metaphor; it's Trump's Cliff Notes explanation after he reads the lyrics. (Other Note: Trump misattributed the song to Al Wilson.)

C) Yes, being clueless, I'd never heard of Biden's uncle being eaten by cannibals. But, straight from Biden himself, he's attributed the remains of his uncle (World War 2 fighter pilot downed near New Guinea) to have been eaten by cannibals. Yumpin' Yiminy! Okay, admittedly, the story does sound kinda crazy (you know, like something that doddering, drunken uncle at a wedding reception might recount), but Biden's put it out there twice. And, in the past, he's had his fair share of moments of "embellishing" the truth. But at least his story made sense.

Wrapping up here, make sure you vote in November. I don't care who you vote for, but please, please, PLEASE make sure you vote for someone who at least is coherent and can string together a sentence. Do a write-in candidate if you must. You know, someone logical, sane, and coherent like Gary Busey.

If you're sick to death of what passes for the sorry state of American politics and worried about November, read a book! Here...I just happen to have some suggestions, all of them fine and available here!

"Just Like We Drew It Up!"

Well, the super bowl has come and gone and my hometown guys, the Kansas City Chiefs (nearly miraculously) won at the last minute.

That was pretty cool, but my favorite part of the super bowl was this tweet following the game...

Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa! Take that, conspiracy crazies!

For a little background, check out my Taylor Swift conspiracy theory post from a while back. Go on. I'll still be here when you get back.

Yep, the far right conspiracy contingent thought that the nefariously evil liberal fascists were fixing the super bowl to go to the Chiefs so that at game's end, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce could come out and announce their backing of Joe Biden for the upcoming election. (Which confused me at first because I thought "why would Kelsey Grammer endorse Biden since he's a notorious Trump thumper? And just why is Frasier dating Taylor Swift, Psy-Op Agent for Socialism?" Then it hit me...ohhhhhh, it's the other Kelce. I'm sure I'm not alone in confusing the two. They look identical. Okay, enough digressing and dumb jokes!)

Needless to say, the far right's conspiracy never came to fruition. But, it didn't keep President Biden from breaking out his "Dark Brandon" persona and dissing the nuts.

On a far more serious note, the shooting that happened at the Chiefs' victor parade was horrifying. And I had a deep fear that it may've been a conspiracy guy gone over-the-top. Not that it was any less awful, but it was merely idiots being stupid with guns. (Just one more reason why we need to deep-six the MAGA cult once and for all.)

Okay, say what you will about President Biden, but the guy's got a sense of humor. Unlike a certain orange troll whose idea of humor is taunting people with grade school bullying nicknames.

C'mon, people! I'll take 81 years of doddering experience any day over 91 criminal charges. It's not rocket science.

Don't make me come over there.

Speaking of idiots, check out my Zach and Zora comic mystery series of books featuring one of the dumbest lead characters you'll ever find (excluding our current politicians, natch), a lunk-headed male stripper with a heart of gold and a banana hammock of yellow. And due to popular demand (okay, well at least my friend, author extraordinaire, Cat Cavendish), I'm at long, long last back to writing the fourth book in the series, Massacre of Mustaches!

"But:" The Great Qualifier

"I'm not a Trump fan, but he was our greatest president ever."

Well. Huh. 

Lately, I'm hearing a lot of statements constructed in the same manner: The sentence begins with a bold declarative statement. Then the word "but" always follows (kinda like the butt of a joke). And finally, a complete whopper follow-up statement that completely negates everything that's come before it. Whenever you hear the "but" sentence, you can always count on the speaker swinging high and big for full impact. And it always--ALWAYS--renders the first "I'm not a..." part of the statement totally irrelevant.

I find that the "but" sentence generally can be broken down into three sub-categories: politics, racism, and conspiracy theories. (And what do these three categories have in common? We'll get to that!)

These days, it's common to hear people defend Trump (even though they pretend to start out not doing so). (Yeah, I don't get it either. I am but a mere reporter stating the facts.) But whenever someone starts out with a "I'm not a Trump fan, but..." sentence, you can bank on their turning around and kissing his orange heiny.

Here's another gem I've heard during the last horrible four years: "I'm not a MAGA follower, but the deep-state, evil Liberal satanists eat babies."

Fun in the 21st century.

I tend to glaze over and tune out whenever someone hits me with the "I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but..." statement. You know it's going to be bad and there's no escape once they get on their conspiracy-painted soap-box. "I've got a TV dinner in the oven" won't work as an excuse to escape the conspiracy theorist once they have their hooks in you.

Here's a recent example:

"I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but Covid's nothing but a hoax."

"Um...yeah...about my TV dinner..."

"It's true! Fox News says blah, blah, blah, yak, yak, yak...."

The true origins of Covid are also big in the "but" world. "I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but Fauci created Covid on purpose to infiltrate the deep-state into.....zzzzzzzzzz..."

Finally, this brings me to the third and final category of "but" statements, and probably the most heinous of all: racism.  Here are a few nuggets of wisdom especially curated and culled from various family members over the years:

"I'm not racist, but Mexicans are dirty."

"I'm not racist, but the colored need to stay with their own kind."

YOW! Sometimes I think I was switched at birth.

I started thinking about the true underlying meaning behind the "but" statement. Since they always begin somewhat preemptively apologetic, the speaker has to be aware of how possibly controversial--and perhaps, out and out wrong--what they're about to say is. So why bother following through? Remember the semi-golden rule: "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all." However, the "but" statement is tricky. It's set up to allow the offending speaker an escape hatch if necessary.

Finally, what do the three sub-categories of "but" statements have in common? Simple: MAGA. Politics, racism, and conspiracy theories are the bedrock "values" of this horrible cult. Since the advent of MAGA, "but" statements have been overflowing like lava spewing from a poisonous volcano. And the brunt of the blame has to fall on Donny Trump's orange shoulders. Since his followers see that he says whatever the hell he wants to and damned with the consequences, they believe they should follow suit.

I don't hate Trump...but he truly, truly, truly, really, truly sucks. Gotcha!

Now that I've kicked over my own soap-box of righteousness, let's get back to the silly-ass world of escapism: check out my Tex, the Witch Boy trilogy! Not only are they the first books I wrote, but they formed the bedrock of what was to follow in terms of characterization, humor, horror, suspense, and thematic substance. You're welcome!

Another Day, Another Indictment...

This is getting a little old. I'd kinda think that even the MAGA crowd might be getting a little tired of it, too. Donny Trump, of course, has been indicted four--count 'em, four!--times during a four-and-a-half month time span with 91 felonies under his (needs to be loosened a few notches) belt. And of course he was just ruled guilty of fraud in a New York civil case.

Damn. In the United States history, we've never had a president indicted before. Yet...yet...here's the punchline: Trump's currently tied with our current president in voting polls!

How can this possibly be? Don't get me wrong, I have issues with Biden, too. He's by far not my ideal president. But when compared to the lying, traitorous, bullying, raping, crooked, misogynistic, racist, blowhard, hate-mongering, philandering, Big Mac chowing orange alternative, Joe looks like Honest Abe. At least Joe's trying to assist the country, more than Donny ever did. Trump's wallet and ego always comes first, even ahead of family.

Wake up, half the country!

Do you really want to be dragged along with Trump's self-proclaimed four-year "revenge term?" That's all that's on his mind. Yep, he's railed about how he's going to imprison his "enemies (i.e., honest politicians who don't buy into his lies)," defund the Justice Department (the only branch willing to go after him), and eliminate any executive branch's checks and powers over his tyrannical stranglehold over our country. This ain't how a president's supposed to act.

Unbelievably, his grotesque and cheap theatrics just become more childish and deranged. This week he called for departing Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, General Mark Milley to be put to death. Unbelievable. AND he's called upon his spineless Republican sycophant senators to shut down the government. Why? Because he thinks it might keep him out of prison, a desperate last chance to "defund the election interference against him." He doesn't care about how bad this would be for our country or the millions of government employees who will have to work without pay checks. Despicable, you betcha! I'd even go so far as to call it traitorous.

C'mon! Before the 2020 election and especially after the infamous January 6th insurrection, Trump hasn't shut up whining about how the election was rigged, contrary to not a shred of evidence being presented. Quite the opposite: any evidence that was found pointed to a tight, secure, and legally binding election.

Check out this quote about Donny from 2016:

“You know, every time Donald thinks things are not going in his direction he claims, whatever it is, is rigged against him. The FBI conducted a year-long investigation into my emails, they concluded there was no case. He said the FBI was rigged. He lost the Iowa caucus, he lost the Wisconsin primary. He said the Republican primary was rigged against him. This is how Donald thinks. And it’s funny, but it’s also really troubling. That is not the way our democracy works. We’ve been around for 240 years, we’ve had free and fair elections, we’ve accepted the outcomes when we may not have liked them. And that is what must be expected of anyone standing on a debate stage during a general election.”

This came from Hillary Clinton! In 2016, before Trump ever stepped into and polluted the White House! Say what you will about Hillary, but she was certainly prescient. I believe she has more super mind-powers than Trump does, even when he claimed he could declassify a document just by looking at it.

Okay, so Donny had his original "Big Lie" regarding the "rigged election." Half our country bought into it. Now he's following it up with an equally insidious Big Lie: "Election Interference!"

Every time, Donny gets indicted, he claims it's the evil, satanic liberals, bla, bla, bla persecuting him and interfering with a fair election. And, of course, his faithful cult buys into this crap. Worse, it appears to be growing.

WHY? The only thing I can possibly think of is that the more people hear something, the more brainwashed they become. Hell, Trump's in the news now more than he was president! I'm sick of reading the paper (okay, perusing the intronet's headlines) and reading hard-hitting journalism about how Trump has insulted the Justice Department for the kazillionth time.

This isn't election interference. It's called justice. From what I've read, there's more hard evidence incriminating Trump on a number of charges than anyone ever presented regarding the so-called "rigged" election of 2024. Facts don't lie, people! Contrary to what the My Pillow guy says and we all know he's a highly qualified expert on the subject, right?

Wake up, Maga! Your cult leader is a horrid person who cares not for you, nor his country. He cares about money, power, BIG TV ratings, porn stars, and Big Macs. In that order.

I tell you what, this gets my dander up! Don't make me have to tell you guys this again...

While I'm trying to calm down, I may as well hit you up with the hard sell... Check out my book, Ghosts of Gannaway. It's a historically-based ghost story about a small mining town in Kansas, run by the evil, greedy man who owns the mine and will throw everyone under the bus (well, train, in this case) to further line his wallet. Hmmm...sound familiar?

Whaddaya talkin' about, Whatabouters?

Between what passes for politicians these days and the media, my vocabulary is expanding daily. Let's see...we've got stagflation (the cost of stag films these days), polycrisis and permacrisis (I believe the first deals with plastic and the second is the fall-out from a bad perm job), gender food gap (everyone knows men eat more than women), tarmac-to-arm (it's gotta mean keep your arms off the tarmac or face the consequences. I guess.), and distorted to suit both political parties' oh-so-needy needs. I particularly enjoy the "war on woke." Which is just nonsense in both the figurative and literal sense.

Now we have the "whatabouters." Yep, the ex orange-in-chief is at the center of this stupid new term. What are whatabouters? I'm glad you asked! Whatabouters are Trump's allies who defend his acts of stealing classified documents by deflecting from the true issues at heart. Their defense lies in "Whatabout Hillary and her emails?" or "Whatabout Biden and HIS stolen documents?"

Furthermore, the whatabouters scream and cry that our Department of Justice is hypocritical, a two-tiered base of justice. Well. If that's the case, the whatabouters are careening down that slippery highway of hypocrisy themselves. They refuse to acknowledge that tRump is actually guilty of taking classified documents, lying about having them, instructing his lackeys to hide them, and then is moronic enough to admit to having classified documents that he acknowledges he shouldn't have in the first place WHILE BEING RECORDED!

So...whatabout Hillary and her emails? She was dumb and technologically inept, I'll grant you that. But she was cleared of doing anything dubious. Whatabout Biden and his documents? Whoops. He didn't even remember having them (could be a little senility at play), but as soon as he found out about them, willingly turned them over. A far cry from stashing them in a luxury bathroom after being instructed to turn the classified documents over.

Which brings me to the most important point of this post: Have you guys SEEN Trump's bathroom? Gah! It's grotesque. I mean, not grotesque in my recurring nightmare of having to walk barefoot in one of the most disgusting bathrooms ever sense of grotesque. No, the design of Donny's bathroom is grotesque. Like the man himself, the bathroom's fugly, disturbing, gawdy, flamboyant, and uncomfortable. It looks like a toilet-filled shrine to the White House. Who was his interior decorator? Lindsey Graham??? I highly doubt I'd be at ease enough beneath a chandelier to conduct my daily constitutional. And just what does Donald do with those classified documents that are easily reachable within toilet distance? AIEEEEEEEEEE! MY EYES! Some things you just can't unsee.

Anyway... Royal bathrooms aside, I don't want to hear any more about these "whatabouters" until they acknowledge the truth. This is getting ridiculous. Having to deal with election and Covid deniers was bad enough. And how about our so-called "lawmakers" actually do something worthwhile with their time like passing merit-worthy laws instead of Marjorie Taylor Greene shouting that her TV is spying on her? The state of American politics these days is absurd.

But not as absurd as the adventures of Zach (a meat-headed "male entertainment dancer") and Zora (his exasperated, usually pregnant sleuth sister) as they skirt the screwier alleyways of murder, mystery, mayhem, and male strippers! Find out what's got (not) everybody talking about in the first book of the series, Bad Day in a Banana Hammock!

The End of the World is Here (for only $99)!

Okay, the last thing anyone wants to read is more of my railing against our so-called "politics" in America. Everyone's sick of it, my wife's sick of it, you guys are sick of it, and I'm beyond sick of it. But this...THIS...transcends even the dumbest politics going on right now. It transcends the stupidest, dumbest, most idiotic, childish scenario I could even begin to imagine (and that's saying a lot).

Congrats, Donny, you corrupt orange con man, you! You've broken me! (But thanks for the laughs; I haven't yet quit giggling.)

Trump, up to his Barnum and Bailey blusteryessness, teased on his ludicrous (and failing!) app about a "Major Announcement" within the next couple days. Everywhere in MAGA-land (a wonderful, magical, place where people's votes don't matter and nothing does except for the Great Pumpkin, benevolent and beloved dictator of all who poops unicorns and puppies), the few remaining loyal were on the edge of their seats, awaiting the mega-MAGA-Major Announcement, sure to right all that's wrong in America. Would it be an announcement of future policy, promising change and revision and locking away Democrats? Would he proclaim Marjorie Taylor Greene or Kari Lake (two fine, fine politicians) as his running mate? Maybe he would nominate (Kan)Ye as ambassador to Israel?

Then...the Major Announcement happened! Trump's releasing a set of his collectible trading card NFTs at a mere $99 bucks a pop! Score! "Perfect for Christmas" as the Orange one proclaimed during his Major Announcement!

I nearly tinkled a bit in my pants.

This...THIS...coming from a former president (I refuse to believe people would put this clown in office again).  What a rook. It's a rook, I tell ya. Oh, sure, the faithful MAGA folks will be lining up to buy these "collectible" cards, shoveling yet more cash into the Don's pockets. And what do they get for it? Not even a physical card they can hold and show off and shellac with plastic and sweat and love and hang on the Christmas tree. Nope. They get a hundred dollar JPEG.

Maybe Donny's biggest grift yet. I'd be a little bit impressed with the sheer audacity of it all, if I didn't think the guy sucked so hard.

Don said these cards would surely sell out...FAST! Hm. You don't suppose there's a limited run on these, do you? Gosh-a-roonie, I'd better get in line fast for these limited, hundred buck digital images, because once they're gone, they're gone FOREVER. There'd be no way they could ever make more of these once-in-a-lifetime collector's items!

It just gets better and better... Donny claims these cards showcase his life and history. I mean, who among us didn't thrill when he came down from Krypton, spraying laser vision all over the libs? Or when he was a cowpoke on the Yellowstone ranch? Who could forget when he landed on Mars and tossed out paper towels to the aliens? Just like real life. Only better!

Okay, before I lied. A hundred bucks doesn't just get you a digital image (collect and trade 'em all!). It also enters you into the Grand Sweepstakes where you could have dinner with the Mandarin Candidate! Wow! Sign me up! (Note: the fine print says you have to pay for your own travel, lodging, and even dinner. Don can't be bothered to buy your Big Mac.)

Me? I'm tempted. I'd love to have lunch with the Trumpster Dumpster. It probably wouldn't last longer than two minutes before Don would sling his shrimp cocktail at me and upend the table and storm out while his secret service men swarmed me. I'd probably only get in one question before it would come to a crashing halt. I'm torn between "So as a repeat rapist, did you ever consider you could be on the receiving end when you go to prison?" or "I'm a huge MAGA supporter. That stands for 'Make Abortion Great Again,' right? Is that because of all the abortions you've paid for?" or "When you were always picked last in gym class, did you whine and cry and lie that it was corrupt? Or did you dodge gym (like the draft) with a letter from Daddy, excusing you because of your baby hands?" or "Hey, could I get a peek under your comb-over? I'd really like to see the "666" mark." or "Why does a billionaire have to constantly grift his followers?"

But I refuse to give this dick any money. Don't do it! He's stolen from America, spat on our country, embarrassed us world-wide, and made a mockery of democracy. He's dangerous. Worse, he's dumb. And if this latest card scheme (his "Trump Card," so to speak) doesn't smack of desperation, then nothing ever will. C'mon...wanting to really, really stay out of prison is no reason to run for president.

Stop the grift!

And on that note, happy holidays everyone! (Please stuff my stockings with Donald Trump NFT Trading Cards! I'm really trying to locate the rare one where he battles dinosaurs with nothing but a loin cloth and a Big Mac.)

Politically Woke Monster

I blame my wife. In fact, all of you guys should blame her.

Years ago, we were hanging out, and as is her wont to do, while reading the news, she told me that someone had died.

I put on a caring face. "Aw, that's too bad."

Soooooooo many crickets as she stared at me. "You have no idea who I'm talking about, do you?"

"Sure I do! He's that...you know...that one guy...in, um, politics who--"

"You don't have a clue."

Shamefully, I confessed. "No, but hey, you know what's on TV tonight?" Master of changing the subject, I tried to steer into more comfortable waters, a shallow and narrow creek of familiarity.

But she wasn't having it. "You don't know what's going on around you in the world. When was the last time you picked up a newspaper?"

"Um...do they still make those?"

"Or when was the last time you listened to the news?"

The shame set in. Secretly, I started reading the news. And the way of the world was kinda upsetting, what with rampant racism, hatred, shootings, etc. Occasionally, there'd be a nice puppy story, but that's not what interested me. Nor, apparently anyone else, for the more sensationalist stories proved to be the most popular. It became like gawking at a car wreck. I just couldn't turn away.

However, shortly after my awakening, I hoped to impress my wife while we were watching Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update segment. I'd offer pertinent comments here and there.

It worked! I was outta the doghouse of ignorance! However...once unleashed, this dog turned rabid for news.

I couldn't stop. I was addicted. And all of the news was depressing. Then Trump came along and made matters much, much worse.

At nighttime, while in bed, I would rant about Trump's newest tirade of crazy. Eventually, my wife got sick of the genie she'd unbottled and told me, "I don't want to hear it. I don't even want to hear that man's name. Just quit talking to me about it."

Well, hell. During the pandemic, who else could I rant on about Trump to? I had a particular itch that I just couldn't scratch. To make matters worse, talking to people about Trump was either preaching to the converted or ending up in a screaming match with the True Believers. Both options were a colossal waste of time and energy and emotion.

Yet I carried on. I took my need to talk Trump to my daughter. She got sick of talking about him, too. She said, "You know before Trump, you never talked about politics. And my mom's the same way. Except for she talks about how great he is."

Huh. My daughter was right. Back when I was married to my daughter's mother, so long ago it seems hazy now, I remembered we never did talk about politics. To me it was unfathomable. What in the world did we talk about?

I think there's one real lesson to be gathered in all of this... Donald J. Trump has been responsible for uniting the American people in a news-awakened country! Thanks, Donnie!

While not quite news-worthy (not even close), and if you're sick of fighting with friends and family over politics, take a break and check out my mystery comedy, Bad Day in a Banana Hammock. You have my personal guarantee that there's not a lick of politics and Trump doesn't rear his orange head once.

Death Race 2021

Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines! Vrooooooom!

"Say, Leroy, you spot that fella over yonder? On the sidewalk? One with the sign?"

"I sure do, Norwood. What about him?"

"Well, the second he steps off the sidewalk, you know what we're gonna do?"

"No, I don't, Norwood. What?"

"Wayull, what would the one true President, Donald J. Trump do?"

Scratches chin. Tilts head back. Light bulb! "He'd call him names and make him cry, Norwood!"

"You dayum numbskull!" Norwood swats Leroy with his "Southern Pride" cap. "No, you idjit! Okay, what would MTG do?"

"Who?" Leroy closes one eye and shoots the other toward the sky.

"Don't you know nuttin'? Marjorie Taylor Greene!"

"Oh, right. The hottie. Wayall...she'd prolly shoot him daid for our civil liberties!"

"Well, sir, you got that right. But that ain't what I'm aimin' for." Sighs, then spits chewing tobacco out the window. "Let me make it easy for ya, since God skimped on yore brains, Leroy. What would Dale Earnhardt do?"

Leroy raps his finger on his jaw. Switches his lips back and forth. Suddenly, his eyes widen with clarity. Celestial trumpets fill the truck! Tim McGraw blares from the radio! "I got it! He'd run him over. Daid!"

"Now yore cookin'! Let's go get him! 200 bonus points if the feller ain't from Amurica! Yee-HAWWWWW!"

No, this isn't from an updated "Death Race" film, nor is it some horrific Dystopian science fiction book. Welcome to real life in the "America First" era!

This week, Republican legislators in Oklahoma and Iowa (with more states lining up) passed a bill which would give immunity to drivers who run over and injure protesters in the streets.

Yep, you read that right. Total insanity. When I saw this article, I couldn't believe it, thought it was surely a prank. But it's not. It's terrifying.

These so-called "lawmakers" are so afraid of the Black Lives Matter movement, that they're deputizing every crazy redneck with a pick-'em-up truck to run them down. All in the name of "America First," of course.

Free speech is now punishable by death. A "Citizen's Murder," if ou will. And it's legal! Fun!

Guys, what happened to America? How did we get so out of control and crazy?

Well, I can start pointing fingers, but I'm not going to play their game. 

No, the hell with that! Trump's "America First" doctrine has been the worst thing that's happened to this country since disco. His fascist and racist protocol has unleashed America's inner beast; it's been growling and seething behind white picket fences and covered up by mild smiles and manners for decades. Simmering like a pressure cooker.

Now, the GOP has handed the so-called "downtrodden white man" get-out-of-jail-free cards to kill freely. These incredibly stupid legislators don't realize the chaos they're about to unleash. Cars will become the new guns.

There was a time I actually admired the GOP. I never agreed with them (except for when I was a little kid and didn't know any better), but at least they stood for admirable ideals. At least I understood them. Now it's all gone to hell.

Even Trump recently said that if Republican politicians don't follow his "America First" protocol they just won't survive. For once, I agree with him. Damn it. 

Some old-school Republicans are remaining quiet, cautiously hoping Trump's relevance will fade away and take all of his vitriol, divisiveness, lies, hatred, and racism with him. But he's still making headlines and his army appears to be growing, with crazy-ass psychos like Josh Hawley and Marjorie Taylor Greene leading the way. A lot of these extremist "Republicans" are basking in the nutty headlights.

And how did M. T. Greene even get into office? Why are people giving her the chance to remain in the news? Glory-seeking publicity whores and insaniacs comprise a lot of the "new GOP." 

Get this...despite there being at least 156 mass shootings in the United States in less than four months, M. T. Greene is holding a raffle and giving away an AR-15 gun to the lucky gung-ho winner! All in the name of defending our civil rights, of course. Is this the actions of a "law-maker?"

But those evil, scary, nasty protestors need to be run over for daring to speak their minds. Right. I think their civil rights are kinda being left behind with skid-marks on their bodies. Isn't hitting someone with your auto illegal anyway, for God's sake?

Finally, I know that protestors from both extremist sides of the political aisle got violent. That's wrong, always will be. But what about the non-violent protestors (which MOST of the protests in the states have been, but they're not newsworthy)? What about my scenario above where the guy has to leave the sidewalk to go home?

Easy prey! Bam! Yee-HAWWWWW!

Good God, I never thought I'd say this, but "Come back George W. Bush. You don't seem so bad now."

(LAST MINUTE ADDENDUM: I wrote this post several days ago on a knee-jerk reaction to the crazy. I found out last night that the news article I read omitted one important point to the bill {now law}: this law applies only if you're trying to flee a riot. Still...it's untenable. And I can imagine people using "fleeing" as an excuse. How can it be proven in court? What's to keep the more loosely connected demonstrators from leaving the protest, and deciding to pick off some of their fellow "undesirable" protestors? My case still stands! At least for me.)

Stuart R. West's Amazon book page, featuring many tales of horror, humor, suspense, thrills, mystery, and other goofy stuff. Go on and click...looks like the world's gone crazy so you have nothing to lose anyway.
 

Dark Wednesday

Well. Wednesday was something. What exactly, I'm not entirely sure. But watching hundreds of Trump supporters desecrate the nation's capitol, attack, hurt people, and destroy everything that's truly supposed to make America "great"--I'm talking democracy--was a harrowing experience. I'm in shock, torn between disbelief, horror,  and fear of just how far this country has fallen in five years. 

I had such high hopes for you, 2021!

Frankly, for the first time, I'm kinda ashamed to be an American.

I shouldn't say that, not really. There were, what, 1,000 psychos at this Trump-Filled Terrorthon. That left about 328 million, smarter Americans at home. Then again, maybe Leroy couldn't get there  'cause he was too busy runnin' moonshine or gettin' his Klan outfit dry-cleaned or whatever.

Okay, I know I'm generalizing, but in all the photos and video, I didn't see one single person of color at the rampage. And when I see some jackass carrying a Confederate flag through the White House, what else am I to think? What's the world to think?

Honestly, isn't it about time to ban the damn Confederate flag, a symbol of racism, slavery, and hatred? I know we can't. People would be in an uproar, and I suppose for some it's a part of their southern heritage. They'll be ranting (while probably rioting), "You can't do that! I'm a damned patriot! I live in a democracy where it's my civil right to parade my proud heritage!"

Let's break that down...

First, what proud heritage? In terms Trump wouldn't understand, the South lost the Civil War. Second, why would you want to flaunt a symbol of slavery and racism? Just feeling frisky that day? Third--and I can't believe some people need a refresher course on this--one's civil rights end once they impede upon another person's civil rights. SO, over-the-top Trump supporters, quit your damn impeding already!

Jesus.

But I really shouldn't blame Trump's supporters. They got fired up somewhere by someone. Without a doubt, Trump fanned the fires. Sure, these wackos have been running around looking for a reason to do some good ol' violence, but Trump stood right behind them lighting match after match while his close conspiracy-loving buddies fanned the flames.

Four years ago, Hillary Clinton said that Trump would set America back thirty years. She was wrong. He set us back to the days of anarchy and racism and, well, on the precipice of a modern "civil war." Thanks, Donnie!

No matter what side of the political spectrum you fall on, violence should never be condoned or tolerated. Especially from our damn president! Trump used borderline language to do just that and praised these "patriots" afterward. Why? Because his brain can't grasp that he lost the 2020 election. Or he snapped from the power. Maybe he really just doesn't want to go to jail.

I hope his behavior isn't setting precedent for years to come. Like Trump (I can't call him "President" any longer and haven't for some time; frankly neither does most of the media), Senator Kelly Loeffler was defeated in the Georgia run-offs, but won't concede.

Frankly, I'm more worried about what lessons Trump teaches Americans. You know, lead by example?

For instance, I'm still pissed off about Costco dropping their incredible two cases of Kirkland Light Beer for the price of one! Sure it tasted like crap, but after three you'd never know. So, what's to keep me from storming Costco in my Confederate flag camo pants, wearing a beer helmet, shooting people with a t-shirt cannon, mounting the toilet paper shelves, and screaming, "Where is he? Dammit, show yourself, destroyer of killer beer prices!"

Several things will stop me: A) This is a really dumb scenario; B) Unlike the stolen election lies, this is actually true, but as I believe in non-violence, I wouldn't go through with it; and C) No matter who says what, inherently I know what's right and believe in living by our social and civil rules.

I'm a patriot (hard as it is to be these days).

You know, maybe I'll run for president next election on this platform. Seems like they'll take just about anybody. I wonder if Gary Busey would be interested in running as my V.P? Hmmm...