Illness Intelligence Quotient

As I write this, I'm on my seventeenth day of sickness. No, no, it's not because of the nauseating outcome of the election (that's an entirely different illness), but it's the same ol', same ol' sickness I've suffered since childhood.

I could easily self-diagnose myself and write my own prescription (I hope my wife's not reading this!). The symptoms are always the same: it starts with a sore throat (or a better description would be a "thick throat," the kind where it feels like your esophagus has narrowed with a wall of mucous closing in, sorta like how Custer probably felt on his "last stand"); then it migrates into my chest where it causes a hellish cough that lasts and lasts, producing a sorta devil-possessed, Linda Blair voice; alongside this--if I'm lucky--all sorts of pretty phlegm of the lemon-lime rainbow sort will be hacked up; and finally, the last symptom: rampant stupidity.

Okay, that last indicator was recently diagnosed by my wife, a medical professional. She laughed at me and said, "You know, when you get sick, you turn into an idiot."

Blink. Blinkity-blink. Whaaaaaa? 

If my brain had been functioning properly, I might've taken offense. But later evidence proved her right (Why does she ALWAYS have to be right???).

For instance, in vain, I reached out to my primary care provider to see if she would prescribe an antibiotic for me without being seen. As I'd said, this routine always goes the same for me: four days of thick throat, followed by respiratory infection and an earthquake-shaking cough. Her nurse basically told me, "You've gotta be kidding me."

I told my wife what I had done and she said, "Duh! Don't be an idiot." Let the evidence speak for itself, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. But it gets worse.

Then I told her, "the nurse suggested I could do a viral assessment."

At this point, my wife proclaimed my Illness Intelligence Quotient (IIQ) was extremely low.

I couldn't really disagree with her findings. I mean, anything viral was the last thing I needed, how I got into this mess in the first place.

"You mean a 'virtual' assessment," she said, laughing and shaking her head.

Later, when she came down with the same illness (who's laughing now, smarty-pants? Ahem!). I asked her, "are you still going for your haircut?"

She said, "yes, but I'll wear a mask."

Then I said, "are you still going for your haircut?"

"You JUST asked me that!"

"I did? What was your answer?"

Clearly, my wife's IIQ is higher than mine.

Anyway, flash forward to two weeks and some change later, when I finally managed to set up a "virtual" assessment and whaddaya know? The nurse practitioner prescribed me an antibiotic. DUH! It's what I said over two weeks ago!

Maybe my IIQ isn't as low as initially assessed. Nahhhh.

Speaking of idiots, check out my Zach and Zora comical mystery series, starting with Bad Day in a Banana Hammock. Therein, you'll find more madcap mystery, murder, mayhem, and the biggest idiot to ever headline a book series (alongside his capable, usually pregnant, very exasperated sleuth sister), then you'll ever want to read again. (Trust me on that. No, I really mean it...this series will make you NEVER want to read another book. I'm not proud of it, just stating the sorry facts.)

Night of the Big Snit-Fit

Several nights ago, I was unloading the dishwasher when my wife came home. As is my wont, I was cursing up a sailor's storm while tossing the dishes around. (It's not that I hate the job of unloading the dishwasher so much as my back despises it, call it the ravages of getting old.)

I plead with my wife, "Can you please help me?"

She jumps in. While I'm bending over the lower deck (and why geniuses haven't decided to create dishwashers for tall guys is beyond me), I yell, "My back can't take this any more! You finish it!"

I go sit down. My wife follows me. Exasperated, I toss my arms up. "What? You're not going to finish unloading the damn dryer?"

Calmly, she says, "As soon as you're done being snitty, we can finish it together."

"I'm not being snitty! You're being snitty!"

"Oh, you're soooooo being snitty."

"Am not," I reply in a very anti-snitty, mature manner. "If anyone's snitty, you're the snittiest."

"You're Frank Snitty!"

"You're snitty, gritty, lower than any dirt band!"

"You constantly wallow in the Secret Life of Walter Snitty!"

I held up two finger guns. "Snitty, snitty, bang, bang!"

"Are you quite finished with your snittiness yet?" she asks.

"No! Because I'm not snitty! I'm the anti-snitty! There's an aura of snittiness surrounding you! You're just swimming in your own snittiness!"

This went on quite a while. Much to do over a tiny little word like "snit."

Which sent me hurtling--hurtling, I tell you!--toward the nearest electronic device to consult with my research assistant, Ms. Google.

A snit is defined as a fit of irritation or a sulk, hence the term "snit fit." Furthermore, the word derives from the Proto-Germanic word "snidaz," which means to cut, slice, or piece. Yow! First of all, I had no idea there were so many variations of the German language. Secondly (and an even bigger Yow!), "snidaz" sounds more like Norman Bates on holiday, rather than a little sulk.

I'm glad my wife and I called a halt to our (she would have you believe it mine alone) snit-fit before the knives came out.

But something still seemed wrong. I always thought a "fit" referred to a voluntary or involuntary physically violent altered state, you know, the classic rolling on the ground, pounding your fists over the floorboards, moaning and crying and shrieking to the unfair Gods of Mean Parents about how you never get to watch Star Trek on TV and instead have to suffer through yet another geriatric, boring detective show (not that I speak from experience, mind you). It's hardly fitting behavior when teamed with a "snit," a mere irritant. Aren't we treading softly into the land of Oxymoronia?

Back to Ms. Google I raced for the answer, who defined the term "having a fit" as being very angry or shocked. Well. I wasn't really angry at the dishwasher, more than just in pain at having a sore back. I definitely wasn't shocked at the resultant dishes (other than a few that stubbornly refused to come clean no matter how many times we washed them). And, of course, I never resorted to floor rolling (although knives sprang to mind a couple times). So...is what I experienced even remotely close to a "fit?" Furthermore and henceforth, the combined definition of the words "snit fit" means being irritated to the point where you're reaching for the knives (so, sooooo close at hand in the dishwasher...) to resolve your irritation.

Such a cute, little phrase. Such a deadly consequence.

Ahoy, matey, lots of deadly consequences arise in my darkly satirical serial killer trilogy, Killers Incorporated, resulting in--you guessed it--numerous snit-fits that don't end well for the intended targets. Knives come out, heads are dropped and swapped in lots of serial killer cat 'n mouse games. Start with the beginning, Secret Society (available here and other fine on-line book sellers, because all brick and mortar bookstores are as dead as most of the casts of my books), and read 'em all. Go on. Whaddaya waiting for? I'll wait right here until you're done. Don't make me have a snit-fit! You won't like me when I have a snit-fit! 

 

Werewolf Chat with author Dave Jeffery

Today on Twisted Tales, killer author Dave Jeffery has agreed to join me for an interview about his thrilling new werewolf book, Tooth and Claw. (It only took a little cajoling and maybe a lotta blackmail to get him here, too). By far one of my favorite horror tales of the year, Tooth and Claw offers up an intensely suspenseful tale of man vs. werewolf vs. man. It’s complicated. Best just to let Dave explain it…

SRW: Thanks for showing up, Dave.

DJ: Thanks for having me, Stuart. It’s appreciated very much and thank you for your kind words about Tooth & Claw. 

SRW: First, tell the readers what Tooth and Claw is all about. But do it with the timing of an old Catskills stand-up comic.

DJ: A bunch of wealthy big game hunters pay to hunt down a werewolf on a huge country estate. Big question is who is hunting who?

SRW: Tooth and Claw’s premise is great, that of the werewolf being hunted (and I’m more than a little jealous I didn’t think of it). The theme of man hunting man is nothing new, of course, dating back to Richard Connell’s 1924 short story, “The Most Dangerous Game” and the subsequent movie adaptations. (I’m fairly sure it goes even further back, but I’m much too lazy to research now). What inspired the premise?

DJ: I’d wanted to write a werewolf story for quite a few years but never really found a good hook. I read a story here in the UK about fox hunting and how there was always a desire by the rich establishment to bring it back as it was more part of their heritage than the actual act of hunting. This got me thinking, what if there was a way where you could pay to do this kind of thing illegally but in complete and total privacy? Then, viola! I suddenly had my route into the kind of werewolf story I wanted to write. 

SRW: Your prose is impressively dense and I mean that in a good way. But I found it odd that until a quarter through the tale, there’s only a handful of dialogue! Dialogue is a secret weapon to me, easy to write and fun to read. Was this a conscious choice on your behalf? Does it represent your overall writing style?

DJ: The narrative for my pulp fiction is deliberately mapped out this way. When you’re developing a shorter piece my focus is always on getting the characters embedded in a way that is paced, yet detailed. I owe a lot of this style to my writing hero, John Steinbeck. In longer pieces I use more dialogue to differentiate in stories that have a lot more characters, for example my Beatrice Beecham series for Young Adults.  

SRW: Along these same lines, there’s a lot of internalizing amongst the characters, particularly when they’re faced with life or death situations. Usually in action-oriented books, the characters think fast on their feet, worry about the consequences later. Interesting approach.

DJ: Again, this is a device to add pace and also gives the reader some insight into the reasons why characters make the choices they do in adverse conditions. It’s certainly something I ask when reading action adventure books. 

SRW: I see that you’re a mental health professional as well as an author. Interesting, particularly in regards to your characters. Let’s start with protagonist Detective Constable Ian West. As an undercover cop in a dangerous situation, West seems to be his own worst enemy. Constantly, he doubts himself, jeopardizing his mission and his life. Do you see this as the hazards of West’s dangerous job, his ill-timed romance, or a flaw in his character?

DJ: West is pretty much coming to the end of his career and is at a phase in his life where is he more concerned about what his job has cost him rather than the original reason he took it on. The potential flaw of being in a relationship whilst undercover hints at how his judgement is askew. The notion that he is in love gives him clearer guidance on his destiny as he sees it, which is no longer with the police. 

SRW: Moving onto your villains, you’ve created one of the most loathsome group of folks gathered in some time. Yet, deep into the tale, you make a case for a couple of them as to why they became the sociopaths they are today. To you are they ultimately victims because they were abused as children? Predators? Both? (I can’t remember any reason for the O’Kill sisters or Rothschild being the way they are, just plain old rotten).

DJ: I have a background in mental health and I try to avoid simplifying mental illness with, what are in truth, complex psycho-social issues. That said, the characters have encountered experiences that have shaped how they perceive the world and this is not necessarily from the point of view of someone’s mental health. Sometimes people are raised in certain climates of privilege and it is the disconnect with what constitutes the ‘normal’ world that makes them behave the way they do; so this is not about abuse. It is about never being exposed to an average life. Is essence they are more ignorant than sociopathic. 

SRW: To me, the werewolves are much more sympathetic than the human villains. After all, the wolves are just being wolves. Them, I can empathize with. The human bad guys, not so much. So, tell me, Dave, who would you rather take your chances with in a dark alley?

DJ: Humans, because they’re fallible! Once a werewolf is on your tail, it never ends well. 

SRW: To me writing sustained suspense is incredibly taxing, but you manage to keep the entire second half of your tale riveting. Is that hard to write for you? If not, what part of writing causes you the most hair loss?

DJ: The main issue for me is emotional continuity. Once you build a character you have to keep them consistent with their belief system. I often stall when I place a character in a situation and think, well this puts them into conflict which, as you know, is good for the reader and character-development. However, the sensible part of me wants to keep the character true to their base personality. So, if I lose hair – not that I have much of it left to lose – it will be over that continuity dilemma. 

SRW: Even though I’m a fan of Jeffrey Kosh’s stellar cover, I have to say because of the characters represented, I thought the book was going to be more of a rebel-rousing, testosterone-driven, yee-haw, blood-soaked, good ol’ boy romp through werewolf-ville. Yet I was pleasantly surprised that it’s a suspenseful, action-packed, thoughtful book. Not really a question. Just a thought. So take the compliment!

DJ: Thank you! I agree, the cover is amazing and gives the book a balls-to-the-wall vibe. Though I think this is more representative of the second half of the story.  

SRW: Alright, just to play devil’s advocate, and because I’ve got you here, I’m gonna pull the pin on this next question and lob it at you, Dave… Ready? 

As both a horror writer and a mental health professional, do you see horror entertainment as a healthy, cathartic release? Or do you view it as potentially damaging to already susceptible or troubled minds? (BOOM!)

DJ: This is very much a subjective process, depending on the person. The more damaging perspective is the clumsy application of mental illness in the genre. That has potential to create more harm to those with mental illness in terms of mental health awareness and social exclusion. 

SRW: From the tough to the mundane… Off the top of your head, favorite werewolf movie…

DJ: Easy – American Werewolf in London. 

SRW: Honestly, I thought the entire werewolf genre had been played out (sparkles killed the vampires, natch), but you show there’s still some fresh breath in the ol’ mangy wolf. Any other werewolf fiction spring to mind that’s different?

DJ: I’ve heard Corporate Wolf is a doozy, I’ll let you know! 

SRW: That's peculiar...I've heard the same thing about Corporate Wolf. What are you working on next?

DJ: I have three contracted projects for next year The Phase War and Frostbite 2 (Severed Press) and another in the Beatrice Beecham series for Crystal Lake Publishing. There will also be a sequel to Tooth & Claw (Grinning Skull Press) in 2021 and a follow up to my dystopian novella A Quiet Apocalypse (Demain Publishing).

SRW: Tell everyone where they can stalk you via social media sites and where to find your books.

DJ: Please stalk away at:

Dave Jeffery Website

Amazon Author Page

FB Author Page

Twitter Page

SRW: Thanks so much for dropping by, Dave. And, seriously, Tooth & Claw is great. Unrelenting suspense, gripping terror, and a fast read, every horror (or action) fan should go get it right now.

DJ: Thanks so much for asking me do this and for the kind words about what I do. You’re a star!