Friday, March 7, 2014

Things Guys Hate To Hear

Well, gather 'round once again, ladies (and you comprise most of my readers. To the few fellas who read my blog...sorry, sorry, sorry. Don't take away my "Man Card!"), for I'm about to let you in on some secret guy things. Actually, this holds true for same-sex couples as well. One of y'all's going to fit the pattern. Dig in.

Some time ago, I sat next to my wife on the "love-seat (odd they don't call it "chips and dip and beer seat"--even furniture designers are sexist)," while she drank a cup of hot chocolate. When I dropped a hand on her knee, I was met with, "I have a hot, brimming cup of liquid in my hand, don't jiggle me!"

Well. Not exactly the desired effect I was looking for.

Which got me thinking (cue the eye-rolling). There are certain phrases guys dread hearing. Off the top of my head, here are a few. Now, should this latest diatribe help anyone (gals or guys) cope with their mate in the future, spread the word and call Dr. Phil.

*"Let's not eat in front of the TV tonight."
Yeah, right. What're we going to do, eat somewhere else like savages? I mean, honestly.

*Along these same lines..."We don't always have to watch TV."
I point back to cavemen. They didn't have TV. What'd they do fill their down-time? Discovered weapons. Killed. Marauded. Pulled women by their hair across the terrain. I really don't think we want to return to those days. TV civilizes us.

*"That shirt's too small. You need to go up a size."
Again, faulty logic. Everyone knows laundry shrinks...when we do get around to washing our favorite shirts. (My wife claims my favorite shirt makes me look like a mushroom. Damn handsome mushroom, I think.)

*"We need to start eating healthier."
Look, everyone knows nachos contain all the major food-groups for an important diet...dairy, crunchy, salt, carbs...okay, we're missing sugar and nicotine, but, hey, it's tough being health-conscious 24-7.

*"I'd like to take dance lessons."
Um. Apparently my wife forgot I'm the clumsiest, most awkward man in the world. I found a way out of this one, though. Showed her my mad twerking skills.

*And, the Mother of all genital-shrinking proclamations...

"We need to talk."

Gives me chills even writing it. No way out of this one, you know you're in for a doozy of a drama. Guys, brace yourself. Gals? Go easy on us.


  1. How about this one? "Those clothes you are folding..." or "Those dishes you are washing..." or "Those hot dogs you are grilling..." followed by, "'re doing it WRONG".

    1. Ouch. I forgot that one, Michael. Not that our significant others are ever wrong, mind you....(Hedging my bets in case my wife's checking out this conversation.).

  2. I suspect the title of your next horror tale will be "We Need To Talk".

    1. Jeff, that's a great idea. "We Need To Talk."

      "My wife sat down next to me, something on her mind. I knew the signs. Pursed lips, wrinkled brow. I was in trouble.

      "Honey, we need to talk."

      Crap. There is. The international sign of trouble in a relationship.

      "Um...what'd I do?"

      "I'm a flesh-eating ghoul."


  3. I'm definitely on the man's side in every one of these. (Well, maybe not the eat healthy part, but that's only 'cause of doctor's orders to my husband, which I'm the only one who tries to fulfill.) Very funny post!