Yanker Blanky, It's a Freezy

Lately, my wife has been mad at me for taking the blankets off her in the night.

She said, "You are a yanker! You're constantly yanking the blankets off me! We have a bedspread with about two feet overhang, yet you keep yanking it off me through the night, leaving me with virtually nothing! Yank, yank, yank! And the yanking produces a cold breeze every time you yank."

I thought about this. And marveled at the possible record she set for using the word "yank" in a single diatribe.

So, of course I had to try and defend myself. "I don't yank." Even then, I knew it was a very lame rebuttal, but I never like to back down from a challenge. (And being called a "yanker" just somehow seems kinda obscene.)

"Do too! Yanker!"

"You make it sound like all I do is yank! That I'm a first-class yanker! I do not yank, yank, yank!"

"Hah! Every time you turn over, you yank the covers with you and wrap yourself up like a burrito! If the shoe fits...yanker!"

Okay, clearly I was losing this battle (as usual). Ever able to think fast on my feet, I attempted a new tactic. "Hey...last night why did you keep shoving the heavy bedspread over onto me? I was smoldering!"

It didn't work.

But I started to wonder about this. Why--after many years of not yanking--have I suddenly started to yank? 

Professor Google wasn't much help, but did provide me with an interesting study. The Best Mattress Brand conducted a recent study of over 2,000 people. The findings found that habitual cover stealers who grew up with a bedtime companion (we're talking dolls, blankies, teddy bears, or pets) were more likely to yank the covers off a partner than those who slept solo as children.

Huh. Weird. The results showed that about 75% of the respondents fit this model. Of course, it didn't explain why. But I'm here to give you my theories...

(Dons professorial garb...) If you held onto something as a child while going to sleep, you're still doing it, i.e., clutching the blankets. I grew up with a rag-tag teddy bear named "T. T. George (I know, I was a weird kid.)," holding onto him at night for dear life. He protected me from the monsters under the bed and the bullies in the school hallways. Now, the bedspread has become my surrogate teddy bear.

But...that theory doesn't explain why I didn't "yank" the covers for many, many years, but have just now developed this habit. Perhaps it's the frightening state of affairs of the world we live in. Much, much, much worse now than it's ever been. And ever since my wife chastised me about not paying attention to the news, I've become a "Doom Scroller." Which freaks the eff outta me. So I'm covering up from all the bad stuff in the world right now by yanking the blanky.

So, class...it's my wife's fault. So THERE.

While we're on the topic of spooky things lurking beneath beds and elsewhere, you'll find a plethora of eerie, creepy, scary monsters (both of human and supernatural form) in my short story collection, Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley. You know...just like the title of this blog! Synchronicity! Or vanity, maybe. YOU be the judge. Doesn't matter as long as you go here to check it out.