"World's Dirtiest Man Dies!"

Well, hell yes, I'm gonna be interested in a news article with a headline like that! My wife found the article and we read it. But, alas, it seemed to bring up more questions than it did answers.

First of all, a little background about the "world's dirtiest man." Amou Haji, from Iran, refused to use soap and water for over half a century(!) because he thought it'd make him sick. His favorite meal was porcupine (yum!), rotten meat (scrumptious!), and he drank rancid water. He split his time between living in a hole in the ground and a brick shack built by his concerned neighbors. Years of living in filth left his skin covered in pus and soot. Finally, he was fond of smoking and just couldn't get enough cigarettes apparently since he enjoyed smoking four at once! (Kids, don't try this at home.) When asked about his odd lifestyle choices, he explained that it was due to "emotional setbacks" when he was younger.

Here's the kicker: At long last, he grew sick and tired of neighbors badgering him to take a bath so gave into peer pressure a couple of months ago, took a bath, and promptly died! At the age of 94! Yow! The guy must've been doing something right. I suppose my takeaway is don't bathe and be sure and smoke. A lot.

Hmm. Let's take all this in for a moment...

But let's get back to my nagging questions... First of all, for the luvva God, WHY?

I mean, did Amou set out to break a world record? Sure, he said he had "emotional setbacks (code-speak for "damaged goods")," but really, I'd like to know his motivation. Half a century ago, did he wake up, flip through his dog-eared copy of Ripley's Believe it or Not, and say, "Hey, I betcha I can beat the current champ for being the world's dirtiest man! Here I go! Wheeee!"

Furthermore, who's the judge? Who'd want to be? What's the qualitative data to be scientifically collected, compared and analyzed?  "Let's see here," says Judge Harry Squalls of the United Filth Bureau, "according to the Body-Odor-Meter, Amou is pulling in a rank rating of 179% compared to Bob down in Tulsa's lackluster showing of 132%. And his pus level is off the charts! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new champion!"

Who coined him "the world's dirtiest man?" The article claims the catch-all "media" did. But...can they be certain? Have they looked in lately on Bob down in Tulsa? Also, the news article noted that there had been reports of an Indian man who hadn't washed or brushed his teeth in 35 years! (I'm smelling a sit-com--and I do mean "smelling"--about two very different men who become roommates based on their similar lack of hygiene. Call it...wait for it..."The ODDor Couple.")

While it's a very nice thing for Amou's neighbors to build him a shack, my suspicious, cynical nature makes me go "Hmmmmm. What were they really after?" I have a theory: Amou's hole in the ground was upwind to where the neighbors lived. Better to invest in a brick shack to enclose his odor within. And I imagined when it came time to tell Amou what they'd done for him, they drew straws, and the unlucky winner had to use a megaphone at a distance to relay the good news. (Which makes me wonder how Amou would've made out on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.")

I said to my wife, "Well...Amou must've been doing something right, because he lived to be 94! Maybe there's something to be said for being too clean."

She responded, "Now, that's true! If you clean and scrub too much, you're likely to get rid of helpful bacteria on the skin."

So...now I gotta worry about being too clean. Thanks a lot, Amou. You've just given me a new phobia.

So, the story raised more questions then it did in supplying information. I have a feeling we've only just scratched the surface of Amou's odd story and it would make a delightful fun film for the entire family. Filmed in "Odorama!"

Speaking of world records, meet Zach, the world's greatest male entertainment dancer (code-speak for "stripper"). At least in his own lil' delusional mind. That's the least of Zach's problems, though. He wakes up in a strange bed with no clothes and no memory. Next to a dead, naked man! Natch, Zach's horrified. Not so much about the dead body, but rather he's got a strong ladies man reputation to uphold. Time to call in his ever-suffering, often-pregnant, highly irritable detective sister, Zora. And the wacky, suspenseful antics are off! This is all just in the first couple of pages of my comical murder mystery, Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, the first in a series of books. Check it out!