Friday, October 31, 2014

Dog Days and Halloween Nights

Last week I told you about my fear of trick or treaters. But my dog doesn't fear them. He harbors an unfettered hatred for them. Well, them, the mailman and the Watchtower crowd (who were certainly busy last Saturday. I had two--count 'em, two!--visits. Helpful tip: answer the door holding a hatchet. Speaks for itself).

Anyway, tonight's the night. Halloween. And it's gonna' be a long one.

I'm not gonna' be too hard on the dog, though. He's had a rough week.

Last Friday, he was barking at some neighbor kids. When I looked out the window, the biggest boy had the neighbor's dog in his arms, attempting to shove him inside a stone outdoor fireplace. Quickly, I ushered my dog inside before the kids decided to exact their torture on him. Too late! He had a brand new "third eye" on his head, a small scrape.

My wife calls me a "drama queen." I prefer to think of it as utilizing artistic license. In keeping with my nature, I ran outside, hands thrashing, Hawaiian shirt flapping. I screamed, "What'd you do to my dog? He's got a gaping head wound!" Dumbfounded, the trio of terror just stared at me. Clearly they didn't know what "gaping" meant. True, the dog's cut wasn't exactly gaping and could hardly be categorized as a "head wound." But nobody pokes sticks (or whatever) at my dog. Not on my watch. Neighborhood Watch.

(Which is as good a time as any to plug my spooktacular ghost story, Neighborhood Watch. Perfect
for Halloween reading. Consider the above cautionary tale as a "prequel." Just turn on the lights, lots of 'em).

Anyway, the kids denied it. They laughed at me, the crazy old guy, as I stormed back inside. No friggin' candy for them on Halloween.

The next morning, my wife took the dog into the vet for his annual shots. The dog got much more than he bargained for. First, the vet "expressed his anal glands." Yeah,  it's as gross as it sounds. Puts a whole new meaning on "expressive." If that indignity wasn't enough, the doc says he should go to a dog dentist for a couple of broken teeth. Um...yeah. Oh, and he has the beginnings of cataracts. Wonder how much doggy bifocals run?

Told you, rough week, rough week. He'll be needing to visit the doggy shrink soon, I'm sure.

(And speaking of people who need to see a shrink, be sure and check out my other Halloween fear-fest, Godland. Everyone in the book could definitely benefit from good psychiatric counseling. But what fun would that book be?)

Happy Halloween! Boo!


  1. Sounds like some seriously wonderful neighborhood kids there. Hope your poor pooch does okay tonight. And I'm totally going to use the hatched thing. Maybe in lecture, too...

  2. Are those kids the demon spawn of the people from Neighborhood Watch. I see a sequel. Like the Hawaiian shirt. Somebody has to add some color to Kansas.

    1. Congrats, Jeff! You're my 600th comment! You win a one-way ticket to Kansas! (On second thought, that seems more like torture than a prize.) These kids are an entire new demonic entity in the neighborhood. Just can't shake the satanists in Kansas.

  3. Your poor dog! He deserves some R&R and doggy treats after all that. I hope your Halloween was fun! :)

  4. I won't even read this to my dog. He'll be horrified to hear of such things - the expressing of glands? Oh, gross. Poor thing.

    1. Hey, Suzanne! Okay, I think the thing on everyone's mind you often read to your dog? Fave canine books?

      Is it just me or does "Express Your Glands" sound sorta' like a Madonna song? Or something.