Day Of The Riddler

Really don't know why I've been thinking about this. But I have.

Kim Dickerson. Ninth grade. My dream girl. At least at the time. With my outta' control hormones and lunatic teenage idiocy, she was a pin-up dream come to life. Probably helped that she was voluptuous and a "bad girl." She loved trouble, and therefore, since I loved her, I loved trouble by proxy.

We had a strange relationship. I don't know if she ever had romantic feelings toward me, but she certainly liked to hang out with me. There was a party once where she sat in my lap and draped her arms around me. But you know what? I was too freakin' terrified to act upon it. Wouldn't've known what to do. My parents never told me about sex. My limited education was based on locker room talk (not TO me, you understand...eavesdropping. Because only terrifying bullies had sex in ninth grade) and National Geographic.

Terrified, titillated and fascinated. Sums up my young years.

And the crazy girl got me in loads of trouble. Exciting, I tell you.

One day at school she said, "hey, let's cut outta' here." Being no fool, I said, "okay."

So. We set off across a multi-hour journey by foot to Missouri. We went to the Plaza, a ritzy shopping district just over the Kansas border. On the way, however, we ran into a local TV station's headquarters.

Out in the front yard, Frank Gorshin ("The Riddler" from the '60's TV show "Batman") was smoking a cigarette. I knew he was in town. Saw the ads. He was performing at a cheezy joint called "The Gold Buffet (even worse than dinner theatre for M.A.S.H. ex-actors, I suspect).

I told Kim who he was. She doubted me at first but taking me up on my dare, we approached him. Kim asked if he was really "The Riddler." Looking somewhat pissed off (and drunk), he said he was. She asked for his autograph, but the only thing she had for him to sign was a "sexually explicit book of the occult" called "Lucien."

Frank had his doubts but signed it anyway.

Long story short: I never kissed Kim; I got busted the next day for skipping school (a teacher drove by us as we walked home); I had to learn about sex through experience; Frank Gorshin's probably turning over in his grave.