"Wow. My crotch itches. Someone must be thinking about me."
My ever-suffering wife's eye-roll and headshake let me know via non-verbal means what she thought of my statement, even though I proclaimed it with a very furrowed brow and authoritative finger jutting in the air to give me that professorial gravitas necessary for such a bold declaration. (Although, really, I'm pretty sure I said it just to get a laugh and to give my wife forewarning I was about to scratch myself and not come off as a savage. For those keeping score, I accomplished neither.)
But I know I'd heard some similar strange wives' tales regarding body parts. (And before anyone starts calling me sexist, I'm fully aware of the ramifications; but if I were to talk about "husbands' tales," you guys wouldn't know what I was talking about, unless it had to do with...well, scratching your crotch or whatever.)
Dayum, there's a lot of them out there! Strange superstitions about hair alone are too numerous to get into, but I'll cover some highlights (see what I did there? Hair? Highlights? Ba-da-BOOM.).
For instance, did you know that if a woman has a "widow's peak," she'll outlive her husband? Furthermore, if a woman starts suddenly developing curls, then her man doesn't have long to live! Yow! Guys! Spare no costs in getting your woman to the salon for hair-straightening! Honestly, I had no idea that my wife's hair would dictate the length of my life. And it's all true, too, because it's on the introwebs.
Here we go: If your ears are burning, someone's talking about you! (I just got the wrong body part before; but frankly the crotch makes more sense as far as all of this goes.) Fun Fact: First century AD Roman writer Pliny the Elder created this superstition (more or less). I imagine his ears were truly burning when Mount Vesuvius buried him in hot lava along with the rest of Pompeii in 79 AD. Of course people were talking about him at that point: "AIEEEEEEEE!" and "GROSS!" they were heard to say.
They say you can tell a lot about people by the shapes of their noses. (Well, "they" don't really say that, unless you consider "they" a cabal of "old wives.") A prominent nose suggests intelligence. Jealousy and uncertainty are natural byproducts of thin noses. And look out for those bad-tempered receding nose guys! (Honestly, I'm not sure what a "receding" nose looks like; the first image that comes to mind is the Crypt Keeper and since he's always giggling, I'd hardly call him bad-tempered.)
Did you know that when your lips itch or tingle, you're about to be kissed? It's true! Even if you're in a crowd of strangers. Or maybe it's a cold sore. And if you bite your tongue while eating, you've recently told a lie. This could explain why Donald Trump chews his Big Mac nearly as much as his tongue. I like this one: a large gap between your teeth means you're lucky in life. Now, try explaining that to the gap-toothed individual about how lucky they are to have that huge, honking gap. And then RUN!
Nearly every body part is covered in ol' wives tales regarding itching. I've already covered a few, but still no mention of a crotch itch. But the next time you go gambling, pay attention to your palms. If your right palm itches, bet hard! If your left palm itches, go to the seafood buffet.
Fun Fact #2! During the time of Edward the Confessor, if you cut off the hand of an executed convict while he's still on the gallows, it will enable you to commit crime and robbery without getting caught by stupefying those who saw it! I don't make up the news, I just report it.
Do you guys know why the left hand is considered unlucky? Simple! Because before God ousted Lucifer from Heaven, he always sat on God's left side. Duh. However, it's been keeping me up at night pondering what happens if you cut off the left hand of a dead criminal on the gallows.
A damp hand means the person is amorous. Right. Do you want to make out with a sweaty-handed person?
Two people should never wash their hands in the same water because it will lead to a quarrel. The next logical step is if two people take a bath together, they'll go on a killing spree.
The first finger should never be used to administer medicine as it's known as the "poison finger." The third finger ("wedding finger") is related to matters of the heart. Hmmm. No mention of the second finger. Wait! I've got one: Never salute a cop with your second finger or you could wind up in the hoosegow.
You wouldn't believe all the superstitions about moles. But you only need heed one: check them out with your doctor. Warts, however, are obvious signs of the devil and the only way to banish them is to rub a frog across them. Probably while licking their backs in the process. (Although, come to think of it, my dad swore that as a child, he had a wart, took an onion, went into the back yard, rubbed the cut onion on the wart and threw it back over his shoulder, never seeing where it landed. If you looked where the discarded onion landed, it would nullify the process. But after obeying all the rules, my dad's wart vanished! Science!)
But maybe these superstitions are adaptable. And just maybe, the old wives cabal was too polite to talk about the truths of crotch itches in mixed company. So...I think I'll grab a frog and a cut onion and go into the back yard...
Speaking of monumentally bad decisions, Zach Cavanaugh (dumb, but good-hearted male stripper) just can't help but constantly make terrible choices. Hey, I wouldn't have a book series without all of his dunderheaded decisions! Too bad for his sister, Zora (smart, competent, frustrated, and usually pregnant sleuth), who has to haul his butt out of trouble every step of the way. Especially since he has a tendency to be a dead body magnet and gets blamed for the murders. Join the fun and mystery in the Zach and Zora series: Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, Murder by Massage, and Nightmare of Nannies, all of which can be found HERE!
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