Frankenfish!

Well, here we are again hot on the tail-end of my warning of the dangers of humans dressing as animals. I saw that as the new threat to humanity. But it looks like humanity's downfall won't be due to apes, robots OR humans in animal costumes (maybe the downfall will come at the hands of the MAGA movement, but I'm really tired of talking about those guys). Nope...it looks like there's a new scary predator in town, ladies and gents. I give you...FRANKENFISH. (Cue lighting flashes and thunder crashes).

Take a look at this guy. Cuddly, yeah? Apparently scientists are freaking out over this predator and the US government recommends killing them upon sight. Yow! Pretty harsh for a little fish, wouldn't you say? But the Frankenfish, aka the northern snakehead, are invasive, spread quickly and kill off ecosystems. An equal opportunity predator, the Frankenfish is color blind and enjoys destroying White Perch and Black Crappie (and with a name like "Crappie," I gotta side with Frankenfish on that one).

What makes the Frankenfish really freaky is that they can go for days without water. They breathe air through a suprabranchial chamber which allows them to go to the top of their habitat, cough, expel their old air and suck in a ton of new air, thus enabling them to wiggle across land in search of new water sources. They can wiggle for days! A whole lotta wigglin' goin' on! In Arkansas, apparently the slower stragglers corpses can be found alongside the road.

The stuff of nightmares.

Furthermore, these cute lil' guys have been known to lunge and bite at people who get too close to their eggs. And I thought piranha were scary enough.

Okay, so how do you kill a Frankenfish? Thank God the US government is at the top of their game and explaining just how that can occur. First, you can put them on ice. Um, how exactly is that supposed to work? The government isn't very forthcoming. (It's kinda like when someone tells you their plan on how to get rich is "I'll start with a million dollars.") If the Frankenfish is busy lunging and biting at me, I'm not going to take care to put him on ice.

You can also cut off its head (again this calls for alarming proximity), gut it (ditto), or even eat it. I don't know about you guys, but I'm kinda not okay with eating something that could eat me.

And the government's last final, ominous warning? "Whatever you do, don't throw it onto land to suffocate it." Because the guy will just wiggle away to procreate and wreak havoc on another unsuspecting ecosystem. (Again with the lightning flash and thunder crash.)

One final terrifying thought on the Frankenfish: some guy who used to have one in his aquarium said it could recognize people. How did THIS guy ever sleep? With his Frankenfish watching him at night, plotting and just waiting for the right time to wiggle out of the tank and lunge at his "master" with his sharp teeth going for the jugular...

It's aliiiiiiiiiive!

While on the topic of alarmingly grotesque monsters and abominations, you'll find lots of 'em in my short story collection, Twisted Tales From Tornado Alley. We've got giant spiders and bugs, angry sentient murderous space plants, underground cannibalistic hellspawn, and a lovesick and lovably violent Bigfoot! All this and more fun awaits you RIGHT HERE!