Stooping to a New Low

Recently, I knew the neighbors across the street were going to be away for a couple of days, so I snatched a newly delivered box from their stoop. (Not that they asked me to, mind you...it's just during the holidays Amazon is the gift that keeps on giving, even when you haven't paid for anything! Of course, I'm kidding. Or...AM I?)

So, I said to my wife, "Wife," I said, "I just grabbed a package from the neighbors' stoop."

She stared at me. Of all the responses I expected, I had somehow overlooked amused silence.

Finally--FINALLY!--at long last, she says, "That's twice now you've used 'stoop' today. Nobody says that anymore. It makes you sound like a redneck."

I can tolerate a lot, but nobody gets away with calling me a redneck! "Harumph," I snorted. "Ain't nothin' rednecky about saying stoop. What would you call it? 'A landing deck?'"

"It's a porch. Call it a porch. Civilized people call it a porch."

I took a peek out the window at the neighbors' so-called "porch." "That is not a porch! A porch constitutes s a gathering place where you can hang out with a friend, sit in a rocking chair, drink hard lemonades, and yell at the neighbors' kids. THAT is nothing but a one step up, 6 by 6 foot hunk of cement. Hence, it's a stoop!"

Things got pretty heated in the great stoop versus porch debate, so I walked away, mumbling, "Sometimes a stoop is just a stoop."

But it got me thinking even though I forgot about it for a couple of days soon after. Until my wife sent me an article.

Helpfully entitled "The Difference Between a Stoop and a Porch," I felt my heart slowly dropping into my stomach for I was certain the article in question would certify my wife as the winner of this bout (and she usually is). Otherwise why would she send me incriminating evidence she was wrong?

(Then I thought, "Huh. You mean...there're other people in the world where this fine distinction is debated over?")

With great trepidation, I began to read.

A porch is typically a roofed area that projects from the exterior wall of a house or other building, while a stoop refers to the steps leading up to an entryway.

Wait...what? Whazzat??? Could I be misreading things??? Did I finally--FINALLY, FOREVER FINALLY--win a battle of the words with my all-knowing wife?

HUZZAH!  Shout! Raise the roof (but not so much as to disturb what's very oh-so-obviously a PORCH)! Smack the cat and put the kids out! I was right!!!

But I'm a humble winner. When my wife got home, I kept my glory down to a dull minimum (Fireworks! Attempted cartwheels that ended up with me in traction! "In your FACE!!! BWA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!" Banging of pots and pans! Phone calls to my friends applying bragging rights! "STOOP! There it issss...STOOP, there it isssss..." Okay, okay, maybe it was overkill. But you gotta understand something...I'm not used to being right! HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!)

I think I'll go sit on my porch and bask in my victory (while opening up my new gift from the neighbors.).

Speaking of men behaving badly, meet Shawn and his mentor/bad penny buddy, Redmond. Stuck in corporate hell, their days are spent in walking, mind-numbing comas, while their nights are spent in bars, trying to forget their days. But if you think that's bad, wait until a werewolf starts ripping Shawn's coworkers to shreds. Could the werewolf be one of Shawn's coworkers? Maybe someone close to him? Or...could it be Shawn himself? Find out in Corporate Wolf, available right here!