Attack of the Giant Mutant Bug Monsters!

Not a hoax! Not an imaginary story! The tale I'm about to recount is the God's honest truth.

My mother's been besieged by giant, mutant bug monsters. 

Okay, let me back up a bit... Maybe my mom's not the best eyewitness to such claims of truth, for you see she's 88 years old, has Macular Degeneration, and is legally blind. She can't see a thing (or as she puts it, "I can't see beans!"). So she's probably not the most credible person to put on the stand, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Anyway, my brother texts me, "Have you heard about Mom's giant bugs?"

I wrote back, "No, but tell me about it!"

He just responds with, "ask her to describe them." Well, for once I'm almost excited to call her.

"Mom," I say, "I understand you've been attacked by giant bugs?"

Silence. Finally she answers, "You've been talking to your brother, I guess."

"Yeah, he might've mentioned something about them. What's going on?"

"Well," she says, "this giant bug swooped into my apartment when I opened the door. Scared the tar outta me. He looked like a green bean with a three inch stem and a fan-tail and an awful tiny face. There's a big one and a little one and I can't catch them. They keep going for my hands and my face. But the big one lost his fan-tail since he got in. They're still in here somewhere, though."

Mr. Sensitivity that I am, I laughed long and hard. 

"I don't think it's so funny, Stuart," she said. "Wait 'till you get one of these bugs, then you and your brother won't think it's so funny."

"Mom, I'm sorry. But you admit you can't see 'beans.' But your description of the flying green bean monster bug is pretty detailed. I guess that's one bean you can really see." I couldn't help myself, continued sniggering.

"I don't think it's so funny. Wait 'till you get one, then we'll see if you think it's funny."

"Mom," I said, "I'd love to see a flying, giant mutant green bean bug monster."

It's true. I would love to. But everyone knows green beans with three inch stems and fan-tails don't exist.... Or do they?

What's that buzzing sound? Is that...is that a...flying green bean?

Speaking of weird beasties, you'll find a plethora of them--a zoo's worth--in my short story collection, Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley.