Wednesday, December 24, 2014

A serious case of Claus-trophobia

No one loves Christmas more than me. But the big red guy at the center of it all? Creepy.

Have you guys seen the original German "Krampus" visualization? I mean, "Big K's" name alone probably terrifies women, but this guy's absolutely horrendous looking. Cloven-hoofed, horned, and he eats children. MERRY Christmas, everybody, Merry Christmas.

But back to the good ol' fashioned representation of Santa Claus. Still kinda spooky. I present my case:

A) A fat, old man with a beard who makes toys.

Well, get a life. And, really, toys are for kids. Kringle, katch a klue.

B) Santa makes a list. Then he checks it twice.

Okay, it's weird enough Santa makes a list, clearly he has a lotta' time on his hands. But poring over said list, time and again just seems sorta' anal-retentive. And by the way, who's Santa's boss, anyway? Who's paying his wages? How can he afford a full-time staff of elves? Reindeer food can't be cheap.

C) He sees you when you're sleeping.

I don't know about you, but I've got a restraining order out on the guy.

D) Santa laughs like a rusty, runaway train. Constantly.

How is that supposed to inspire warmth and good tidings? When I hear "ho, ho, ho," I run for cover, cowering beneath my bed. Spooky.

E) Like Kathie Lee Gifford and the Kardashians, Santa runs a "sweatshop."

Forget about that little dentist elf. That's a story for a different time. Seriously. Elves need to unionize.

F) Santa drops down chimneys.

Every Christmas, I shove the sofa in front of the chimney. Worse than an unwanted dinner guest. And much scarier.

G) Santa beats reindeers with a leash.

PETA, take note. And he laughs maniacally while abusing the poor creatures.

H) Sometimes Santa brings socks.


There you have it. You're welcome.

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and any other holiday I neglected to mention, everyone!


  1. Are you sure you're thinking Christmas, Stuart? Not Halloween? But I have noticed that Santa is an anagram for Satan... you only have to move the n to the end.

  2. Reminds me of "Santa's Slay" - I love that movie!

    I'm wishing you and your family a wonderful 2015!

    1. Lexa! I thought I was the only one who loved that movie! Or even knew about it. I especially like the opening few minutes where they kill off a slew of big name stars. And the "puppet-mation" sequence. My wife just doesn't understand how Christmas horror films give me that golden, warm holiday feeling.