Friday, July 25, 2014

Alien Creatures In My Yard-UPDATED!

I pondered it. Studied it. Looked it over. A man of inaction, that's me.

But the alien objects in the backyard fascinated me. Not the kind of illegal human aliens that disturb my mother so much, either. Two ginormous, not quite brown, sorta' purplish, definitely not a color of this world, clumps had sprung up in the yard. At first I thought they were droppings from my dog after a particularly hearty meal. My mind tried to wrap around this new bizarre life-form. But everything logical went out the window. Feh, logic is overrated. A soft caramel center beckoned, yummy looking for those culinary inclined. Yet a hard brown exterior suggested an exoskeleton or a tough caramel wrapping. I investigated, Encyclopedia Brown, just dumber.

The strange creatures were soft to the touch, yet sticky. Definitely anchored into the ground by stems or tentacles. A poofy cloud of red dust flumphed up when I nudged them. Staggering back, I held my breath, scared to death I'd turn into a pod-person. The surrounding grass bled into a brown color. The sky melted, lucy in the sky with diamonds.Trippy.

Here, lookie:
Truly I believe I've discovered a new alien life-form.

Aliens, who can figure them out? All they seem to be interested in doing is anally probing males and impregnating females. And dropping weird eggs in my yard. Guys really need to get a life.


It fell upon me--my duty as a humanitarian--to stem the alien invasion starting in my backyard. (And, um, the yard needed to be mowed). So I plowed the mower over the alien artifacts. Something popped like an inflated paper-bag. Plumes of red smoke billowed into the air. Suddenly I felt strange, feeling the need to do something drastic like impress Jodie Foster or whatever. The grass surrounding the eggs changed color. I mowed over it again, ensuring the human race's survival. A half of a husk, or eggshell, remained.

Here are the results:

 It was a close call. But we'll live to see another day.


  1. Lol - definitely look like droppings. Glad you've resisted the urge to toss them in a stew.

    1. They're definitely not droppings, Kai! Droppings don't emit toxic red clouds! I'd better call in Mulder and Scully.

  2. The truth is out there. Deny everything. Believe the lie. (Those are the only X-Files-isms I remember.) It really does sound like an interesting find, Stuart. Hoping for a follow-up when you find out what it is.

  3. Dear lord, what are those things?! They'd totally freak me out if they were in my yard. I wouldn't have mowed them - too scared - I'd have called the authorities, the exterminator, the media! Eek!!

  4. Oh no! You ruptured them. That's what you're never supposed to do. That red cloud was filled with spores. Now they're spreading. You should definitely call the media. Make sure you're wearing a Tex t-shirt when they come. You don't think your "neighbors" planted that stuff do you? ; )