Alien Creatures In My Yard-UPDATED!

I pondered it. Studied it. Looked it over. A man of inaction, that's me.

But the alien objects in the backyard fascinated me. Not the kind of illegal human aliens that disturb my mother so much, either. Two ginormous, not quite brown, sorta' purplish, definitely not a color of this world, clumps had sprung up in the yard. At first I thought they were droppings from my dog after a particularly hearty meal. My mind tried to wrap around this new bizarre life-form. But everything logical went out the window. Feh, logic is overrated. A soft caramel center beckoned, yummy looking for those culinary inclined. Yet a hard brown exterior suggested an exoskeleton or a tough caramel wrapping. I investigated, Encyclopedia Brown, just dumber.

The strange creatures were soft to the touch, yet sticky. Definitely anchored into the ground by stems or tentacles. A poofy cloud of red dust flumphed up when I nudged them. Staggering back, I held my breath, scared to death I'd turn into a pod-person. The surrounding grass bled into a brown color. The sky melted, lucy in the sky with diamonds.Trippy.

Here, lookie:

Truly I believe I've discovered a new alien life-form.

Aliens, who can figure them out? All they seem to be interested in doing is anally probing males and impregnating females. And dropping weird eggs in my yard. Guys really need to get a life.

ALIEN INVASION UPDATE:

It fell upon me--my duty as a humanitarian--to stem the alien invasion starting in my backyard. (And, um, the yard needed to be mowed). So I plowed the mower over the alien artifacts. Something popped like an inflated paper-bag. Plumes of red smoke billowed into the air. Suddenly I felt strange, feeling the need to do something drastic like impress Jodie Foster or whatever. The grass surrounding the eggs changed color. I mowed over it again, ensuring the human race's survival. A half of a husk, or eggshell, remained.

Here are the results:

 It was a close call. But we'll live to see another day.