Friday, June 28, 2013

The Secrets of Men (soon to be a Lifetime network movie)

Gather 'round, ladies, I'm going to tell you some manly secrets that're sure to make you understand your significant other better. I might be breaking the "bro code" but since all of my male friends are illiterate and most of my blog followers are female, I think I can get away with it. For my very few male and gay female followers, shine it on and move onto the next post.

*"Whatever you like, dear." It's a common catchphrase you've probably heard time and again. When you ask a man, "what color shall we paint the walls? Almond White or Pearly Alabaster?" The answer's invariably gonna' be "whatever you like, dear." It's not because we're being cavalier. We just think there's one shade of white. Paint the room the color of the "Scooby-Doo" van, toss us a beer, and we're happy.

*Fights! Men love to watch a good fight on TV or down the block. But we don't particularly care to be in one. Especially with our significant other. When we fight, we want a good, clean end to the affair, no extra rounds. Everything should end on a pleasant note, put a ribbon on it, call it pretty. We just want the damn bell to ring and start a fresh round the next morning.

*Movies! If your guy sits down next to you and says, "hey, let's watch 'Sex And The City' tonight," warning bells should go off. Guys like movies full of explosions and cop "bromances" (the male equivalent to "chick flicks"). Sure, there's tons of homoerotic subtext going on, always a street-wise cop and a wild, young haywire. But you know what makes cop bromance movies muy macho? The bromantic cops always go home to Super Models after a hard day of explosions."

*Romance! We haven't a clue. Our idea of romance is equivalent to sex. Which leads me into...

*Cuddling! It makes us itchy and fidgety. Not that we don't love you. But there're lawns to be mowed and "bromances" to be watched. I know, right? It's ugly. But I'm not going to lie to you.

*Sunglasses! Men don't care about avoiding sun damage and the inevitable "crow's feet" at the corner of their eyes. We wear them to covertly eyeball the sexy jogger along the street without getting chastised about it (not that we'd ever act on it, mind you! We're just wired to look.). Now, if a guy wears them into Costco, that's taking it a little too far. He's looking at "sexy soccer mom." Plus, wearing sunglasses indoors is so...eighties. Uncouth!

*Dirt! We can't see it. When we clean house, it's finished. Um, not according to you ladies. I believe we grow accustomed to it, used to living in filth. It's comfy. And invisible. Don't even get me going on cleaning toilets.

*Love! Finally, the sexes unite! For all of our stupidity and caveman ways, if we say "I love you," well, hell, we mean it. It doesn't come easy for us. Love you Cydney!


  1. Thanks, Melissa! Just don't tell your husband I'm giving up man secrets.

  2. I'd be mad, but my wife already knows all these things. How she found out I will probably never know. Is this the first time you posted this?