We pay a lotta' cash each month to watch TV. Yet, over the past three months, the service has been sporadic, images freezing, the system kicking us out with rude messages like, "I'm sorry, but you suck, you can't watch TV now."
I won't name the provider (yet). But we've had ten different fellas out over the last three months.
Some of them quite swell; one hobbit wanted to hang with me and waste out his hours. Fine, your dime, whatever. But each "technician" has a different diagnosis ("Your frim-fram is set to stun," "Looks like your dig-outs have been compromised by gophers," "You should only use your microwave when you're not watching TV," "Have you heard of electronic Shingles?") They all have solutions, none of them work.
Most of the guys are nice. 75% of them look like ruddy-cheeked "Larpists" with teeny-tiny Game of Thrones goatees.
One dude was the Zen-Warrior of TV Maintenance:
Me: "Would you like a cup of coffee?"
Zen-Warrior of TV: "Coffee? Hmm, coffee. I don't believe I've experienced the fixation of coffee in many moons. These days I evolve with Taekwando and study Winnie the Pooh books. I wouldn't consider sullying my temple with caffeine."
Okay. That's fine. Just fix the damn TV.
None of them have. The biggest problem is one hand doesn't know what the other's doing. A stray finger scratches my belly, promising glorious rewards (or at least, a working TV stream). The other punches in our phone number and inanely asks, "Are you satisfied with how your problem was resolved?"
GAH!
Makes me long for the olden days when we had three (four, if the weather was in our favor) channels. Sure, it sucked, having to choose between Lawrence Welk or Hee-Haw, but at least we could depend on the choices.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Friday, February 6, 2015
Easels and Pancakes and Loin Cloths...Oh My!
This week Twisted Tales is turning over the blogging to author Dave Fraser. Dave and his sister, Heather Brainerd Fraser, are the authors of the extremely entertaining Jose Picada mystery series. Turns out we both had books launch on the same day this week. Dave's a New York resident. And he views my stomping grounds, Kansas, as an alien world. Here's what his journalistic investigation found out about Kansas (to read my take on New York, visit Heather & Dave's blog!):
Stuart West is a life-long Kansas resident, so it should be no big surprise that his six books (of which I've read four) are all set there. February 3 marked his seventh release, The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals, and it's set in...you guessed it, Kansas!
All this Kansas stuff got me thinking about Kansas, which didn't take very long, since I don't know much about it at all. In short, everything I know about the state relates to The Wizard of Oz and the Kansas City Royals, which, it turns out, actually play in Missouri. So we can cross them off the list.
I set it upon myself to learn more about the state. Instead of doing actual "research" and learning "information", I decided to plan a theoretical road trip to the Sunflower State (learning this official nickname was as far as my "research" went). These are, sadly, all real things.
Stop 1: Monument to the Pig That Inspired the Piggy Bank (White Cloud, KS) In 1913, ten-year-old Wilbur Chapman sold his pig, Pete, and donated the funds to an organization helping lepers. The story caught the public's imagination. Pete the pig would live forever as a symbol for saving money, long after he was made into bacon.
Stop 2: Second Largest Hand-dug Well in Kansas (Seneca, KS) This awesome attraction is a big hole in the ground.
Stop 3: Monument to Grace Bedell (Delphos, KS) In 1860, eleven-year-old Grace Bedell wrote Abraham Lincoln a letter suggesting he grow a beard, which he did. Later in life, Ms. Bedell settled in Delphos, where she continued to write world leaders regarding fashion and beauty. Gandhi's loincloth? That was her idea, too.
Stop 4: World's Largest Ball of Twine (Cawker City, KS) The
Guinness Book of World Records recognizes a ball in Branson, Missouri (circumference: 41.5 feet) (that's the circumference of the ball, not Branson) as the world's largest. But the fine people of Cawker City are not deterred. Through their hard work and determination their ball continues to grow. In 2014, it measured 41.42 feet in circumference. Only 0.08 feet to go, or, if we measure it in terms of bad boy pop stars, 0.014 Justin Biebers.
Stop 5: World's Largest Collection of World's Smallest Versions of the World's Largest Things (Lucas, KS) Technically, this could be just about anywhere, since it is based out of a large passenger van. It is the home to a collection (the world's largest, of course) of small versions of objects determined to be the largest of their type in the world. Of course, the name kind of says all that, doesn't it?
Stop 6: World's Largest Czechoslovakian Egg (Wilson, KS)
With intricate patterns and bold colors, Czechoslovakian eggs are miniature works of art. Wilson, which bills itself as the "Czech Capital of Kansas", saw fit to make an egg for the ages. It measures 22 feet long, giving an unprecedented opportunity for a dazzling display of Czechoslovakian Egg artistry. So they painted the whole thing solid black.
Stop 7: World's Largest Hand-dug Well (Greenburg, KS) Suck it, Seneca.
Stop 8: International Pancake Day Hall of Fame (Liberal, KS) What exactly is International Pancake Day? Each year, the town of Liberal has a race against a town in England. Women from each town run, flipping pancakes as they go. This has been going on since 1950, or, for our metric-loving Canadian friends, for roughly 2,049,840,570,735 milliseconds.
Stop 9: World's Largest Hairball (Garden City, KS) Just...gross.
Stop 10: World's Largest Easel (Goodland, KS) We will end out tour in northwest Kansas, staring up at the world's largest easel, holding what is probably the world's largest Van Gogh reproduction. This two-for-one is no doubt in the World's Largest World's Smallest Museum Thingy. What was it called again?
I guess I always thought of Kansas as being kind of boring. After looking over my list, though, that couldn't be farther from the truth. And this is just the top ten (An example of something that didn't make the list: Lucas' World's Most Artsy Public Toilets). People of Kansas, you are friggin' weird. I wish I lived there.
There you have it, folks! I should've known better than to turn my blog over to Dave after the last, um, "interview" he did with me. But don't hold that against him! Buy Dave and Heather's new book, Act of Abduction: Jose Picada, P.I.
Stuart West is a life-long Kansas resident, so it should be no big surprise that his six books (of which I've read four) are all set there. February 3 marked his seventh release, The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals, and it's set in...you guessed it, Kansas!
All this Kansas stuff got me thinking about Kansas, which didn't take very long, since I don't know much about it at all. In short, everything I know about the state relates to The Wizard of Oz and the Kansas City Royals, which, it turns out, actually play in Missouri. So we can cross them off the list.
I set it upon myself to learn more about the state. Instead of doing actual "research" and learning "information", I decided to plan a theoretical road trip to the Sunflower State (learning this official nickname was as far as my "research" went). These are, sadly, all real things.
Stop 1: Monument to the Pig That Inspired the Piggy Bank (White Cloud, KS) In 1913, ten-year-old Wilbur Chapman sold his pig, Pete, and donated the funds to an organization helping lepers. The story caught the public's imagination. Pete the pig would live forever as a symbol for saving money, long after he was made into bacon.
Stop 2: Second Largest Hand-dug Well in Kansas (Seneca, KS) This awesome attraction is a big hole in the ground.
Stop 3: Monument to Grace Bedell (Delphos, KS) In 1860, eleven-year-old Grace Bedell wrote Abraham Lincoln a letter suggesting he grow a beard, which he did. Later in life, Ms. Bedell settled in Delphos, where she continued to write world leaders regarding fashion and beauty. Gandhi's loincloth? That was her idea, too.
Stop 4: World's Largest Ball of Twine (Cawker City, KS) The
Guinness Book of World Records recognizes a ball in Branson, Missouri (circumference: 41.5 feet) (that's the circumference of the ball, not Branson) as the world's largest. But the fine people of Cawker City are not deterred. Through their hard work and determination their ball continues to grow. In 2014, it measured 41.42 feet in circumference. Only 0.08 feet to go, or, if we measure it in terms of bad boy pop stars, 0.014 Justin Biebers.
Stop 5: World's Largest Collection of World's Smallest Versions of the World's Largest Things (Lucas, KS) Technically, this could be just about anywhere, since it is based out of a large passenger van. It is the home to a collection (the world's largest, of course) of small versions of objects determined to be the largest of their type in the world. Of course, the name kind of says all that, doesn't it?
Stop 6: World's Largest Czechoslovakian Egg (Wilson, KS)

Stop 7: World's Largest Hand-dug Well (Greenburg, KS) Suck it, Seneca.
Stop 8: International Pancake Day Hall of Fame (Liberal, KS) What exactly is International Pancake Day? Each year, the town of Liberal has a race against a town in England. Women from each town run, flipping pancakes as they go. This has been going on since 1950, or, for our metric-loving Canadian friends, for roughly 2,049,840,570,735 milliseconds.
Stop 9: World's Largest Hairball (Garden City, KS) Just...gross.
Stop 10: World's Largest Easel (Goodland, KS) We will end out tour in northwest Kansas, staring up at the world's largest easel, holding what is probably the world's largest Van Gogh reproduction. This two-for-one is no doubt in the World's Largest World's Smallest Museum Thingy. What was it called again?
I guess I always thought of Kansas as being kind of boring. After looking over my list, though, that couldn't be farther from the truth. And this is just the top ten (An example of something that didn't make the list: Lucas' World's Most Artsy Public Toilets). People of Kansas, you are friggin' weird. I wish I lived there.
There you have it, folks! I should've known better than to turn my blog over to Dave after the last, um, "interview" he did with me. But don't hold that against him! Buy Dave and Heather's new book, Act of Abduction: Jose Picada, P.I.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals is everywhere!
You can run, but you can't hide. Like-Minded Individuals, Inc. is everywhere.

Don't believe me? Read my newest shocking expose, er...um..."fictional thriller," The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals.
Here's what some early reviewers had to say:
The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals is a brilliant thriller about a society of serial killers with just a dusting of humor. Suspense fans will not be disappointed. --Heather Greenis, author of The Natasha Saga
Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals pulls you in for a furious ride, sure to give you chills. Dark, gritty and meaty fun. --Meradeth Houston, author of the Sary Society series
A gripping read. For those of you looking to add to your reading list, I highly recommend giving this one a try if you enjoy a different twist to your thrillers. --Penny Ehrenkranz, historical romance author
The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals is not your usual thriller, murder mystery. It is a unique plot with unexpected murderers and, of course, the underlying West humor, a roller coaster ride to the end. Trust me, you've never read anything like it before. --Patricia McQueen, retired English teacher
The only problem is...I haven't heard from these reviewers since they've read the book. I suspect Like-Minded Individuals got to them.
If you read the book, you can help expose the shocking conspiracy! And maybe save my life! Because they're now after me for writing the book!
Buy the book now, for the love of God, and help save my life!
Available in paperback and Kindle format.

Don't believe me? Read my newest shocking expose, er...um..."fictional thriller," The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals.
Here's what some early reviewers had to say:
The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals is a brilliant thriller about a society of serial killers with just a dusting of humor. Suspense fans will not be disappointed. --Heather Greenis, author of The Natasha Saga
Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals pulls you in for a furious ride, sure to give you chills. Dark, gritty and meaty fun. --Meradeth Houston, author of the Sary Society series
A gripping read. For those of you looking to add to your reading list, I highly recommend giving this one a try if you enjoy a different twist to your thrillers. --Penny Ehrenkranz, historical romance author
The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals is not your usual thriller, murder mystery. It is a unique plot with unexpected murderers and, of course, the underlying West humor, a roller coaster ride to the end. Trust me, you've never read anything like it before. --Patricia McQueen, retired English teacher
The only problem is...I haven't heard from these reviewers since they've read the book. I suspect Like-Minded Individuals got to them.
If you read the book, you can help expose the shocking conspiracy! And maybe save my life! Because they're now after me for writing the book!
Buy the book now, for the love of God, and help save my life!
Available in paperback and Kindle format.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Post-Christmas Cop
"You have the right to remain Silent...NIGHT!"
Okay, it sounds like a hackneyed horror film phrase, right? But I'm about ready to put it into effect.
One of my neighbors still--STILL--had a stupid inflatable snowman bobbing in his yard well into January. Nothing brings out the Christmas fuzzies like a glorified balloon. It ain't a car-lot, for crying out loud. You know the worst offenders are the guys who stick up huge blow-up Kansas City Chiefs inflatables in their yards during Christmas. Somewhere along the way, the inflatable industry has corrupted Christmas.
But I digress. Finally, the neighbor took the offending snowman down.
Good. Before I did. And I was ready to, oh, yes, I was.
Look, as much as I dislike the inflatables, that's not what's got me in a tizzy. Fact is, we're entering February. Christmas is over. Deal with it. Call me the neighborhood post-Christmas cop. Take down the decorations, focus on Valentine's Day. And taxes. Ho, ho, ho.
Yet another neighbor is still burning Christmas lights outside the house. Feh. There's like a statute of limitations on something like that, I'm sure. And he's not keeping things very "green."
It's time for me to take charge, lay down the law of the land. Make a citizen's arrest on behalf of good taste and common decency. It's not happening on my watch. Neighborhood Watch.
I'm gonna' go pound on the offending neighbor's door now and demand he take the lights down. I've reached my limit.
Here I go.
I'll let you know how the post-Christmas intervention goes.
Okay, it sounds like a hackneyed horror film phrase, right? But I'm about ready to put it into effect.
One of my neighbors still--STILL--had a stupid inflatable snowman bobbing in his yard well into January. Nothing brings out the Christmas fuzzies like a glorified balloon. It ain't a car-lot, for crying out loud. You know the worst offenders are the guys who stick up huge blow-up Kansas City Chiefs inflatables in their yards during Christmas. Somewhere along the way, the inflatable industry has corrupted Christmas.
![]() |
"Pop me, please!" |
But I digress. Finally, the neighbor took the offending snowman down.
Good. Before I did. And I was ready to, oh, yes, I was.
Look, as much as I dislike the inflatables, that's not what's got me in a tizzy. Fact is, we're entering February. Christmas is over. Deal with it. Call me the neighborhood post-Christmas cop. Take down the decorations, focus on Valentine's Day. And taxes. Ho, ho, ho.
Yet another neighbor is still burning Christmas lights outside the house. Feh. There's like a statute of limitations on something like that, I'm sure. And he's not keeping things very "green."
It's time for me to take charge, lay down the law of the land. Make a citizen's arrest on behalf of good taste and common decency. It's not happening on my watch. Neighborhood Watch.
I'm gonna' go pound on the offending neighbor's door now and demand he take the lights down. I've reached my limit.
Here I go.
I'll let you know how the post-Christmas intervention goes.
Friday, January 23, 2015
The hardships and agony of being a "Fun Uncle"
Well, yeah, of course I'm the "Fun Uncle" when it comes to holidays. I've heard our types called "Funcle." But I prefer Fun Uncle. Funcle sounds like a pretty gross foot growth, something belying the nobility in Fun Uncling. I suppose it doesn't matter, though, as Fun Uncles are never given the respect they should be accorded.
It's not like I set out to be Fun Uncle. It sorta' just got thrust upon me. And why not? I'm immature, have a like mind-set with kids, know how to wrangle gas jokes like a seasoned ranch-hand. Kids love me. And, dang, don't they wear me down.
A couple times a year, adults love me for this reason as well. It gives them a chance to hang out, be uncool, talk about dumb stuff like politics and work and who's died recently. Sip coffee, pinky finger extended. Boring big people crap. No thanks.
But. I'm an unpaid babysitter on holidays. I think I'm the only family member to come away from holidays with bruises, a sore back, scratches on my face. Holidays are tough. Worse than professional wrestling. I need a vacation from vacation.
I've been "operated" on, had toy trucks slammed against my head, been buried alive with pillows then jumped on, rode like a donkey, had bacon thrown at me, had food (and things I don't prefer to think about) smeared upon me, had my shoes ripped apart. One time a "little rascal" hid one of my shoes so I couldn't escape my parents' house. Just like old times, grounded again. Children are a joy.
Maybe it's time for Fun Uncles to unionize. Take back the night. Demand better wages (well, any wages would be a nice starting point). While I'm outside, in the bitter cold, defusing two siblings from throwing punches, hurling insults, beating on good ol' Fun Uncle, where are the adults? Sitting inside, warm and snug, taking Fun Uncle for granted, extending those damn pinky fingers. It's like those extended pinky fingers are pointing at me, taunting me, saying, "Sucker!"
And things only get worse. Here's the rub. The hallowed title of Fun Uncle tarnishes with age. Once kids hit a certain age, Fun Uncle begins to look like a dork, a creep. Try telling a fourteen year old to pull your finger and see where that gets you. They're thinking, "Why in the hell is an adult hanging out with kids when there's coffee to be sipped, politics to ponder, pinky fingers to extend?"
I can't win. People, please be kind to Fun Uncles. You can help by donating to my fund, "Fun Uncles Are People, Too." Here's my PayPal address: "FunUncles@PayPal.com." I accept checks, money orders, beer, and mixed nuts. Oh, nachos, too, but be sure to package them properly.
It's not like I set out to be Fun Uncle. It sorta' just got thrust upon me. And why not? I'm immature, have a like mind-set with kids, know how to wrangle gas jokes like a seasoned ranch-hand. Kids love me. And, dang, don't they wear me down.
A couple times a year, adults love me for this reason as well. It gives them a chance to hang out, be uncool, talk about dumb stuff like politics and work and who's died recently. Sip coffee, pinky finger extended. Boring big people crap. No thanks.
But. I'm an unpaid babysitter on holidays. I think I'm the only family member to come away from holidays with bruises, a sore back, scratches on my face. Holidays are tough. Worse than professional wrestling. I need a vacation from vacation.
I've been "operated" on, had toy trucks slammed against my head, been buried alive with pillows then jumped on, rode like a donkey, had bacon thrown at me, had food (and things I don't prefer to think about) smeared upon me, had my shoes ripped apart. One time a "little rascal" hid one of my shoes so I couldn't escape my parents' house. Just like old times, grounded again. Children are a joy.
Maybe it's time for Fun Uncles to unionize. Take back the night. Demand better wages (well, any wages would be a nice starting point). While I'm outside, in the bitter cold, defusing two siblings from throwing punches, hurling insults, beating on good ol' Fun Uncle, where are the adults? Sitting inside, warm and snug, taking Fun Uncle for granted, extending those damn pinky fingers. It's like those extended pinky fingers are pointing at me, taunting me, saying, "Sucker!"
And things only get worse. Here's the rub. The hallowed title of Fun Uncle tarnishes with age. Once kids hit a certain age, Fun Uncle begins to look like a dork, a creep. Try telling a fourteen year old to pull your finger and see where that gets you. They're thinking, "Why in the hell is an adult hanging out with kids when there's coffee to be sipped, politics to ponder, pinky fingers to extend?"
I can't win. People, please be kind to Fun Uncles. You can help by donating to my fund, "Fun Uncles Are People, Too." Here's my PayPal address: "FunUncles@PayPal.com." I accept checks, money orders, beer, and mixed nuts. Oh, nachos, too, but be sure to package them properly.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Psst! The secret origin of The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals
Okay, I'm gonna' have to swear you all to secrecy. Trust me. You don't want Like-Minded Individuals, Incorporated coming after you. It won't be in your best interests.
I'll give you a minute to take the super secret oath, paper-cut your thumb, and dab the blood onto your screen, device, whatever.
Done? Let's do this...
What is Like-Minded Individuals Inc., you ask? They're the extremely hush-hush corporation at the center of my new thriller, The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals. It's complicated. Here...read the blurb.
Okay, are you back? Whew, that's a lot of info (and secrets) I divulged. I hope "LMI" isn't listening. They have eyes and ears everywhere. Turns out, um, they're not quite as fictional as I thought.
Still, here I am, risking it all to tell you where the idea came from...or, at least, where I thought it came from:
"The Husband Bench."
Yep. That place where suffering men sit at malls and stores, waiting for their significant others to finish Epic Shopping. Some time ago, my wife
parked me amongst several other bored guys, told me it'd be just a minute. Well, it wasn't. But I started watching the men; men from all walks of life with nothing in common but sheer boredom. I began to wonder if some of them had other reasons for being there. Running with the idea, I thought the "husband bench" might be a particularly secretive, discreet, amusing, and unusual place for a clandestine meeting.
Now all I had to do was come up with a reason for the secret meeting. Hence, The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals was born.
Or so I thought. Now, someone's watching me. My cell-phone's tapped, my computer's being tracked, a dark Town car keeps following me. You're my only hope, dear reader...you must find out the truth from my book and expose the evil conspiracy. And why they're doing it! Before it's too late!
My life depends on your buying this book!
Ahem...
A dark suspense thriller with an unhealthy vein of humor coursing through its veins, TSSLMI is the first in a trilogy. A fictional trilogy...or is it?
Available now for pre-order. The Kindle and print book launches February 3rd.
I'll give you a minute to take the super secret oath, paper-cut your thumb, and dab the blood onto your screen, device, whatever.

What is Like-Minded Individuals Inc., you ask? They're the extremely hush-hush corporation at the center of my new thriller, The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals. It's complicated. Here...read the blurb.
Okay, are you back? Whew, that's a lot of info (and secrets) I divulged. I hope "LMI" isn't listening. They have eyes and ears everywhere. Turns out, um, they're not quite as fictional as I thought.
Still, here I am, risking it all to tell you where the idea came from...or, at least, where I thought it came from:
"The Husband Bench."
Yep. That place where suffering men sit at malls and stores, waiting for their significant others to finish Epic Shopping. Some time ago, my wife
parked me amongst several other bored guys, told me it'd be just a minute. Well, it wasn't. But I started watching the men; men from all walks of life with nothing in common but sheer boredom. I began to wonder if some of them had other reasons for being there. Running with the idea, I thought the "husband bench" might be a particularly secretive, discreet, amusing, and unusual place for a clandestine meeting.
Now all I had to do was come up with a reason for the secret meeting. Hence, The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals was born.
Or so I thought. Now, someone's watching me. My cell-phone's tapped, my computer's being tracked, a dark Town car keeps following me. You're my only hope, dear reader...you must find out the truth from my book and expose the evil conspiracy. And why they're doing it! Before it's too late!
My life depends on your buying this book!
Ahem...
A dark suspense thriller with an unhealthy vein of humor coursing through its veins, TSSLMI is the first in a trilogy. A fictional trilogy...or is it?
Available now for pre-order. The Kindle and print book launches February 3rd.
Friday, January 9, 2015
Joan Curtis: Sexist or Dang Good Mystery Author? YOU be the judge!
Here ye, here ye, court's in session. Today we have Joan Curtis, author of the spiffy mystery The Clock Strikes Midnight, on trial for charges of discrimination toward men in her book. But before we get to the kangaroo trial, let's chat some about the book.
*Hey, Joan, thanks for sitting in the hot seat today. If it
gets too hot…well, just sweat it out, there’s no escape. You asked for it. Why
don’t we start by your telling the reader what The Clock Strikes Midnight is
about?
Joan: This is a story about two sisters whose lives
are entwined in a bitter past shrouded in mystery.
Janie Knox wants nothing more than to live her life quietly in Savannah,
Georgia and never return to her hometown of Atlanta. At age 17, a week
after a jury convicted her
As the clock ticks away, Janie’s uses the last days of her life to right the wrongs that have haunted her for 20 years. She faces more than she bargained for when she discovers her sister’s life in shambles. Meanwhile her stepfather, recently released from prison, blackmails the sisters and plots to extract millions from the state in retribution.
The Clock Strikes Midnight is a race against time in a quest for revenge and atonement. This is a story about unleashing the hidden truths that haunt a quiet Southern family.
*One of the things I enjoyed about the book is I wasn’t
quite sure what genre it fit in. That’s a good thing, I think. Sure, it’s
billed as a mystery, but while it has some mystery elements, it’s really quite
a bit more. Since we live in a label-pasting society, I’d call it a “women’s
lit, character study, thriller.” How would you TRULY define the book, Joan?
Joan: Although not a traditional who-done-it mystery, this story
centers around the mysterious death of the sisters’ mother. That’s what makes
it a mystery. Gone Girl is not considered a mystery but, it, too, is labeled in
that category. (But, please, do not compare The Clock Strikes Midnight to Gone
Girl coz I hated that book!) I’d say this book is a family saga draped in
mystery. How’s that for a new genre?
*You’ve written two interesting, extremely flawed characters
in the siblings, Janie and Marlene. They’re tormented by the past, seemingly
unable to let it go. And it drives them to be who they are, for better or
worse. I’m thinking worse. Tell me the truth, Joan, did you actually like these
gals? Who they are before the end?
Joan: I’m not sure I have
to like my characters. I like things about them. Janie is strong and focused.
Many of us upon learning of our impending death, might just say, “Oh, hang it.
I’m gonna spend my final months doing exactly what I please.” Janie, on the
other hand, felt compelled to reconcile with her sister and make up for what
she had done in the past. Marlene, too, becomes a strong character as the book
progresses. (Can’t say more!).
*I think my favorite part of the book was the surprise
center section. We get a new back-story, another fascinating character study,
one I wasn’t expecting. I liked the way the past intersects with the present in
your book, forming the present. And, the center section bridges the gap in many
ways. How’d you chart this? So you don’t mess up timelines? I know when I
attempt such a thing, it’s tough. Do you have your own “murder board” set up in
the living room, strings attached to port cards and the like?
Joan: Wish I was organized enough to have a “murder board.” My
books evolve. There’s no other way to describe them. The stories and the characters
bubble to the surface as I write. That makes editing a nightmare. (My own editing—before the manuscript is seen
by outside eyes.) What I write in the beginning may not work at all later on. Originally,
I wrote this entire manuscript from the points of view of the two characters as
teens. Then, I re-wrote it from their adult points of view. So, I knew and
understood the past as if it had happened to me. I would not recommend this
technique to those at home!
*Janie appears to be seeking redemption. To a lesser degree,
so is Marlene. But a lot of the things Janie wants to be redeemed for areof her
own making. They carry around a wagon-full of guilt and they’ve been punishing
themselves in different ways for years. Are they Catholic? Or just really, really
messed up? We have survivor’s guilt, blaming oneself for abuse, mentally
checked out parents. It’s a textbook case of psychology in many ways. So…what
kind of research was involved, Joan? And, um, how much of this is true? (Ducks
and covers.)
Maybe I should confess. My husband is a
psychiatrist and my background is sociology. I’ve read and heard many a story
and learned a lot over the years. The characters are not Catholic, but they are
Southern. They grew up in a typical Southern household where everything was
made to look good. “Put a good face on it.” Janie and Marlene (having lost
their dad very young) clung to each other until something destroyed that strong
bond. Later they acted out in different ways. No ducks and covers, my
characters are totally fictional.
*Atlanta plays such an important part of the tale. You
describe it so well, it’s nearly a character. Having survived driving the
Atlanta highways during rush hour (nightmare!), I can attest to many of the
things you describe. Drivers are dang crazy. Do you live there?
Joan: Thank you, Stuart. I’m glad the setting felt that real. I
live in Athens, which is 75 miles northeast of Atlanta (the little a) I’ve had
to work in Atlanta and have experienced that traffic first-hand. Yuck. The
metro-Atlanta town where Janie and Marlene grew up, Decatur, is a place I know
quite well. If I didn’t live in Athens, I’d probably move to Decatur or
Savannah—another of my favorite Georgia towns featured in The Clock.
*I found it interesting that the one action piece in the
book is experienced by the two main characters hearing it. They don’t see it,
they’re not active participants. From one character’s POV, it’s a terrifically
understated suspense set-piece. Did you intentionally set out to write quiet,
effective suspense? Or do you just hate writing gunfights?
Joan: Geez. I wish I could be that intentional. “I’m gonna write a
certain way…” Instead, things just happen the way they do because they do. I
put myself in that character’s place and imagine what she or he is seeing and
hearing. I love it that you describe it as “understated suspense.” I’m going to
tell people I planned that from now on!
*Okay, let’s talk turkey. Not being sexist, but I’ll bet your book will appeal to women readers
more than men. I may be in the minority as a male reader who enjoyed it.
HOWEVER…I think the male characters aren’t given their due. Poor Peter. What’d
he do to deserve this (okay, okay, he purchased a house without consulting his
wife. Major bad. But other than that, he’s a stand-up guy)? Dude takes an
emotional beating. And, sure, Ralph’s a heinous villain, there’s no way to defend a sexual
predator/abuser. But Janie seeks revenge on him for killing her mother. After he spent years in prison. I got more gripes about Janie's attitude toward men but it'd lead into spoilers. Finally,
the character of Nick. Gah. HATE him. Opportunistic player, yet he’s presented
as a woman’s dream. Okay, Ms. Curtis, start dancing…how do you defend yourself
in my courtroom blog? You’re up on charges of sexism and discrimination against
male characters.
Joan: You forgot my favorite male character,
Mark. He’s a lifesaver both to Marlene and to Janie. And, what about Marlene
and Janie’s dad? Such a good guy. Indeed, Peter got a raw deal, but who knows
what the future might hold for him.
I wrote a book I’d love to read. I’m
a female, so it makes sense that my book might appeal more to the ladies. But,
the first reviewer was a man. I was a bit surprised when he gave it five stars.
So, go figure…
*Hmm, not sure I'm satisfied with that answer. What say you, readers? Guilty or not guilty on the charges of discrimination against men?
Joan, what’s up next for you?
Joan: My
next book is the first in a series. More mystery-like, The e-Murderer stars
Jenna Scali, a thirty-something, criminology graduate student who works for a
shrink and who gets tangled up with a serial killer. Yikes. Murder and mayhem
follow.
*There you have it. Go get Joan's book here.
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