Happy Horrordays!

Here in the West household, there's an annual Christmas tradition that's proudly observed by...well...just me, I suppose. It's a dark alley to wander down (especially at night and by yourself), but my wife won't take a stroll with me. (Okay, maybe my daughter and sister-in-law might partake on occasion, but they don't live here, so that leaves me and the sofa).

For you see, I've taken it upon myself to watch every blasted Christmas horror film ever made. From the 70's and 80's, I've discovered such gems as the original Black Christmas (forget about those remakes), Christmas Evil (John Water's favorite film!), and my personal favorite, Elves (of which I'm alone in that assessment, I'm afraid. But where else can you find Dan Haggerty playing a haggard department store Santa doing battle with an evil German cabal of elves who're trying to resuscitate Hitler? Yow! There's also a wicked stepmother who tries to flush the heroine's cat down the toilet! Why, it gives me Christmas warm fuzzies just thinking about it! Good luck trying to find this gem, though).

But where do you go after you've seen all the '80's and '70's classics time and time again? Why, to the present, of course. And if you thought the '70's and '80's output was bad, wait until you check out these stinkers. We're talking bottom of the barrel crap that barely resembles film, some shot on video. Most of them star plastic-enhanced, tattooed "starlets" and strung-out, carboard men. Most of the plots feature a (very unlikeable) group of friends who decide to Christmas holiday in the California woods while a stalker Santa hunts them down in various, gory ways (usually the only thing the budget goes toward). Ho, ho, HORRIBLE! And c'mon! It's hard to get into the Christmas spirit when it looks like Summer. Christmas is the only day I want snow, but it damn well better be present in my Christmas horror movies, by gum.

This year was a particularly dire trudge. I've suffered through such crapsterpieces as Santastein (um, yeah, the only worse thing than a bad Christmas horror movie is a really bad Christmas horror COMEDY movie), Werewolf Santa (ditto!), Santa Jaws (snooze), and other timeless classics.

Why do I keep punishing myself, you ask? I dunno, just call me the Cineaste Sadist, I suppose. But there's a silver lining...kinda...somewhere...if you're likkered up and squinting with your eyes half-closed: occasionally I'll stumble across a real gem. One of my new all-time favorites is Anna and the Apocalypse, the only horror comedy Christmas musical about zombies and the end of the world. I know, it sounds like it wouldn't work. But it does. And it's great! Every year my daughter and I watch it and never get tired of it.

A Christmas Horror Story is kinda fun, featuring William Shatner as a lonely Christmas D.J. who gets progressively hammered while on the air, the perfect opportunity for Big Bill to ham it up and chew the pork for Christmas dinner. 

Santa's Slay is pretty entertaining and funny, although its rewatchability is limited, at least for me. But the flick features a big cast (most of them slaughtered in the opening minutes like James Caan and Fran Drescher [and who hasn't wanted to slaughter "The Nanny?"}). It also features a fun stop-motion parody segment of the Rankin-Bass children's shows of the '60's.

Krampus is good, but everyone knows about that one.

But I'm hard pressed at this moment to come up with other instant classics. Yet I keep sludging down these dark Christmas alleys, with hope in my heart and coal in my stockings! Happy Horrordays!

Speaking of Christmas horror, be sure and check out the Christmas horror short story collections from Grinning Skull Press. There's a ton of 'em (I'm in one of them somewhere), all good, and you can start here. Plus all proceeds go to the Elizabeth Glazer Pediatric AIDS Foundation, so win-win!