Big-Ass Bustle

We were watching a TV show set in the late 1800's and after awhile, I'd had enough. Every "high society" woman had one of those goofy looking dresses that made their asses look huge.

"Honey," I said, "what's with the big-ass dresses? What're those called?"

With an eyeroll that threatened to eclipse me, my wife replied, "bustles."

"Okay. But what's the point of them? I mean...surely they have to realize they're not really flattering. And how do they sit in them? Why? Tell me why they existed!"

For once, my wife didn't have the answer (she mumbled something about bustles being a status symbol amongst high society women and it was the trend of the day and...and I quit listening and headed to Google.).

The answers I found varied. Ms. Google said that bustles were wire frames that were used to support the drapery of the ginormous dresses women wore, to prevent the material from dragging. Here's an idea, old-timey ladies: how about don't wear drapes and then you can forego the bustle. I mean, honestly.

Another answer was that women liked bustles because it kept the material from gathering between their legs, sort of a "gilded age" wedgie, if you will. This makes more sense to me. But, still...wouldn't it have been easier to just adjust your self instead of trying to sit in a giant, wire hula hoop?

Here's where things get interesting...the origins of the bustle can be linked to Sarah Bartman, a South African woman who suffered from a condition called Steatopygia. What is that, I hear you asking? Why, Steatopygia is an abundance of tissue on the thighs and buttocks!

Certain European exploiters paraded poor Bartman around as a "circus attraction." The bustle was created to achieve this look, for Gawd's sake. Now. You hear that, old-time women? About the circus "freak" part? Why would anyone want to emulate that?

A bustle was also supposed to make a woman's waist appear smaller. Huh. Clearly they didn't have diets back in the day.

I had kinda thought that maybe one of the reasons for the bustle was so that men couldn't ogle women's bottoms. But that's just the seven-year-old boy in me and Ms. Google couldn't confirm my hypothesis.

With the advent of the new creation--"the bicycle"--women began to come to their senses and abandoned the ol' bustle.

Everything that goes around eventually comes back again. Or something. So, ladies, are you ready for the bustle to make a comeback? Not to be sexist, though. Maybe they'll create padding for the front of men's pants. And call it a "penistle."

Do the Bustle!

And on that very high note of sophisticated and mature humor, I may as well keep it going and pimp my Zach and Zora humorous mystery series. They make the above blog post look like the work of a Rhodes Scholar. The first book in the series is called Bad Day in a Banana Hammock (so THAT should give you some idea of the level of comedy involved!).