The King of Bathroom Reading

The reigning king of capitalism, Amazon, believes they have my number. They feel they know me very well. To my shock, horror and amusement, they sent me an email that read "Based on your recent viewing activity, we think you'd like the following books:

Learn a Lot While You Sit On the Pot and The Ultimate Toilet Activity Book and The Ultimate Bathroom Reader and, of course, everybody's favorite classic, Everybody Poops 410 Pounds a Year."

 

What's that now? WHAAAAAT? Where the hell did they get THIS???

To which I replied via email, 

 

"Dear Mr. or Mrs. Amazon, Unrelenting King and Queens of Commerce:

It was with great curiosity that I read your recent recommendations for my reading pleasure. But...you don't know me. You think you may know me, but you don't. Why in the world do you think I'm so anal (tee hee). It appears that you believe my reading interests consist only of books about poop and sitting on the toilet. As far as I know, I've never read--or even looked at--books about the fine and fun art of pottying. I believe pooping to be a natural act that one can't seek guidance for from a Dick and Jane instruction manual. Perhaps you'd better have a chat with your algorithm department and see if the monkeys have gone rogue again.

Furthermore, it's more than a little scary that your fine company (that is intent on taking over the world) is spying on me (yet getting it wrong, mind you.). I've a good mind to contact congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene and report you. After all, she knows about the intrusive and spying nature of her television set so I'm pretty sure I can get her to float a bill against your spying habits.

Finally, is anyone exempt from your insidious spying practices? Do you send (ex) President Trump notifications about his bathroom reading, suggesting titles such as How To Commit Espionage in Ten Easy Steps or Potty Reader For the POTUS or Classified Documents For Toilet Perusing? 

I think not!

So, kindly refrain from spying on me in the future (especially if you continue to get it wrong)! I expect immediate satisfaction. In other words, lady and/or gentleman, crap or get off the pot.

Love,

Stuart West"

Overall, I think it was a pretty forceful missive which I fully expect will have the Evil Amazon Executives shaking in their designer boots and they'll have no recourse but to shower me with fabulous settlement money! (Except...I probably should've left off that last remark about "crap or get off the pot." Um...maybe their algorithm department isn't so off the mark, after all!)

While we're kicking around juvenile humor, why not check out Bad Day in a Banana Hammock and its sequels? Guaranteed the only comical mystery series EVER that features a dunder-headed male stripper and his (nearly always) pregnant and exasperated sleuthing sister. For fine bathroom reading, look no further than HERE!