Have You Bought Your Long Distance Kissing Device Yet?

GROSS!

That's my initial reaction toward this "technological breakthrough" and I'm sticking with it. Of course, I'm talking about the revolutionary new device that allows you to send and receive life-like kisses through your smartphone.

I mean, take a look at this thing! C'mon! It's really kinda scary, a combination of a birth control diaphragm and a deformed dolphin. Or something. Would YOU like to be seen in public making out with this on your phone? Does the world need this? I know we're slaves to our phones and what-not and bla, bla, bla, but must we become sex slaves as well?

All you need to do is plug this life-like grotesqueness into your phone and sensors transmit pressure, movement and temperature data that are received by another pair of lips, so your kiss is replicated on their lips. 

Again...ewwwwwwwwww.

And it only runs you $40 bucks in China where robotics experts worked day and night to perfect this wonderful new technological innovation!

But, I think the real story here is that porn shops and distributors beat out these robotic experts by many decades. No one wants to admit that they know what sex dolls are, but I'm willing to bet that most people under the age of oh...I dunno, 100, do. And we've all seen at least one in our lifetime. Whether it's as a brave youth, slumming in the gross porn shops of yore and laughing at the poor balloon dolls stuffed into their boxes, or whether it's been at a bachelor party (and I pray I'll never have to go to another one of those), we've all seen a sex doll. It's just something best not talked about. And that's why you guys have me, your intrepid reporter! 

While the news is ballyhooing the hell outta the "brave and amazing technological breakthrough" of kissing, life-like lips for your phone, why has the media forsaken the bold pioneers of sex doll technology? They were light years (and decades, I tell you!) ahead of these so-called robotics geniuses.

A quick plunge down the rabbit-hole of Google (my eyes! Good Lord...*choke*...MY EYES!) confirmed my suspicions and then some. "Love dolls" have gotten much, much more sophisticated than I had even suspected. Nowadays, you can get a sex doll pretty much made to order. Have it your way, as the burger joint says. Hair and skin color, weight and height, sexual preference, anime-looking variations (?!!!?) and the single selling point the manufacturers are most proud of: as many holes as you care to have installed! Service with a smile! It's absolutely mind-boggling and more than a little repulsive.

Things have certainly come a long way since the days when strange Uncle Toby used to cart his balloon doll with the cartoon face, blonde curly hair, and forever tortured Mr. Bill screaming mouth to family functions, which would piss off Gramma because she wasn't told there would be another person at Thanksgiving dinner (and she couldn't see that the doll wasn't a real woman and nobody wanted to tell her the truth), so we had to stuff Uncle Toby's balloon partner into a chair around the kiddie table while we stared in slack-jawed awe and terror at the odd, life-sized doll that smelled funny sitting next to us while we gnawed on drumsticks. (Tell the truth...who hasn't this happened to?)

If only Uncle Toby were still around. Nowadays sex dolls come with robotics, downloadable personalities and so, sooooo much more. It's a terrifying world of robotic and technological advancement that makes me fear the Uprising is just around the corner. Led by a bunch of angry sex dolls.

But I'm getting way off course. My point is...was...this gross-looking new "miracle" phone lips device ain't got nothin' on the wondrous world of sex dolls. Um, er...so I'm told. 

Speaking of all things outlandish, outrageous and silly, I absolutely know no shame in presenting my Zach and Zora comedy mystery series, Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, Murder by Massage, and Nightmare of Nannies. (And if I ever get off my arse and quit writing about sex dolls, I might finish the long-in-process fourth book.) See what everybody's griping about and buy 'em right here!