Who would win in a fight, the Mandalorian or the Witcher?

Answer: NEITHER!

Because they'd bore each other to death!

I can see their climactic confrontation now. It takes place on a swinging rope bridge. In the rain, natch. In monotone voices--so, so deadly dull--they threaten one another. The Mandalorian mutters "This is the way." The Witcher parries and growls "Hmmm." The Witcher swings a weapon. So does the Mandalorian. The bridge swings. Then they start getting sleepy. Sooooooo sleepy. And lay down on the bridge for a long, nice slumber.

Honestly, what's all the fuss about these two dull shows starring two of the most boring "heroes" ever to grace the TV screen? Both of the shows have turned into phenomenons and I don't understand why.

I know this will be an unpopular opinion, but it's not like I haven't tried. Really. I've suffered through two seasons of both.

Let's start with The Mandalorian. Okay, sure he's got Star Wars canon behind him, so I get the following there (but has anyone REALLY been able to keep up with all the Disney Star Wars TV shows? Seems like homework to me. But if they ever offer a Jar Jar Binks variety show, I'm all over it.). And I will admit "Baby Yoda" is adorbs (don't get on my case for calling him Baby Yoda, Star Wars fans; I can't pronounce his real name, let alone remember it.). But that's it.

Regarding the titular hero? He's the worst. He wears a tin can over his head for the entire series. Worse, he talks in a terribly dull monotone, made agonizingly more painful by the muffled tin can echoing effect. Snooooooze...wake me up when the can comes off.

Here's the worst offense: one year, the guy was nominated for a best actor emmy. It is to make me laugh. Now I've seen Pedro Pascal actually show some acting chops before (notably, Game of Thrones and Narcos), but in The Mandalorian, he's gotta have the cushiest, best paying, laziest gig in Hollywood. Hell, he doesn't even have to sit in the make-up chair. For all I know he doesn't memorize his lines and just has them piped in via ear pods.

Moving on to The Witcher (must we?)... This one I REALLY don't get. Two seasons in and I'm out. Felt akin to torture, a real struggle. By the second season, I just had it on in the background while I did more important things like, say, play games on my phone.

I don't know about the original source, but to me the series seems like cookie-cutter fantasy, checking all the boxes (Princess on the run? Check! Brooding hero with a troubled past? Check! Frog-like humanoids? Check! Etc? Check!). I can see the Netflix board meeting now...

"Powers that be, we have the next Game of Thrones right here! Guaranteed!"

"Hmmm, what's it about?" Management taps a pencil on the long table.

"It's about a lotta stuff! See, there's a Witcher and he--"

"Hold on, just wait a minute!" Management shakes head, furrows brow. "I don't think witches will appeal to our target audience, particularly the family market because they're scary and--"

"He's a hunk."

"Oh. I see." Dollar signs light up Management's eyes. "Does he take his shirt off?"

"As often as you want!"

"Sounds promising, sounds promising." Management sits up in million dollar chair. "Annnnnnd, does he show his butt?"

"You better believe it!"

"Sold!"

It's fantasy at it's most juvenile level. Instead of calling the lead female "Jennifer," the show's creators came up with "Yennifer," merely changing the first letter of her name, believing it to be cool-ass and other-worldly. I'm just waiting for her evil twin brother "Yevin" to show up (although I won't be waiting, not really).

Which brings us to the big, boring, brooding "hero" of the show, the Witcher. Again talking in an emotionless monotone, never showing any differentiation on his face other than the look of chronic constipation or residual road rage. (Points to Henry Cavill for at least showing up with his face painted white instead of hiding in a can, though.)

Where are the identifiable heroes of genre TV land? Remember Buffy and the gang? Angel and his cohorts? Heroes who were connectable and empathetic? Soooooo many other great genre shows of the past? 

Yet these two dullards are amongst the most popular current heroes on TV. The only thing I can think of to explain it is the "hunkability" factor. Gotta be it.  Yet...Pascal doesn't ever show his face, so...

I dunno. Give me a real hero from the golden, olden days of TV any day. Heroes like...Robert Blake and...um...Bill Cosby...and....wait...scratch that. Never mind. When does The Mandalorian start up again?

Speaking of heroes to root for, why not give my troubled, teen-aged, bullied witch boy, Tex, a shot? He's an every-man (well, "every-teen"), someone with relatable problems (a ton of 'em), always tries to do the right thing and rise above the occasion. Not to mention putting his newly discovered (but unwanted) witch powers to good use such as discovering who's murdering the bullies in his high school. (Eat it, The Witcher!) That's Tex, the Witch Boy, conjuring up right here and other cool online bookstores.