My Deepest, Darkest (Probably Unfounded) Fear

Recently my daughter and I were discussing mortality. Okay, so it's not your typical father/daughter pow-wow, but our conversations rarely are. (Plus, in keeping with my highest standard of honest journalistic integrity, beers may have been involved. Perhaps lots of beers. But let's stop this digressing already!)

I said, "You know, funerals are awful. I loathe them."

"Dad, I don't think anyone loves 'em. It's not like people are doing cartwheels graveside," she replied.

"I know, but... I just hate how expensive they are. I mean, it's bad enough people are grieving their loved ones, but then to have some vulture of a funeral director glad hand you and talk you through his various kazillion dollar packages, and then sock you with a $15,000 bill during your time of grief is really kinda despicable. And why? To put your remains in the ground. It's all kinda ridiculous. I sure wouldn't want to leave you that kinda financial burden."

"That's why I want to donate my body to help people," she said. "But...I want my parts to go to as many people as possible. To help as many people as I can."

"Yeah, I've also thought about donating my body to science, but..." I paused, deep in morbid, half-drunk reflection. "It's also my deepest fear."

"What? What,what,what?"

"You know... I don't want to be on display naked in a glass cage and have some intern roll me out into a packed medical school classroom and have a professor point at me with his teaching stick and say, 'Class, this is a naked dead fat man. Don't turn into this!' And my eyes would be all bug-eyed and glassy and frozen open because it's my final thought before I kick the bucket!"

"Yeah, I don't really think that's how that would go down, but--"

"And then...and then...gasps and cries of revulsion would wave around the classroom and one student would even pass out!"

"Dad, I really, really don't think that--"

"Then they'd roll me back out until the next class. Nightmarish!"

"Hmm."

We discussed other ways to go. My wife had once suggested using her remains as compost or something to help plants grow. Which is an interesting idea even though I'm not sure I'd want to eat the resulting vegetable or whatever. Then she had once toyed with the notion of having her remains shot into space. Which is kinda cool, where no (wo)man has gone before and all that, but if a lousy burial is so expensive, Elon Musk is probably the only guy who can afford to blast his ashes into space.

I suppose cremation might be a relatively cheaper option, but I dunno. Having your body incinerated is still cringey to me, even though I'd have long left the building, so to speak.

Mummification might be kinda cool, but um...is it even legal? Furthermore, I've seen way too many mummy movies. It's bad enough I'm going to be on display, let alone slumping around in some pyramid wearing tattered cloths.

Cryonics might be kinda neat because I'd be frozen next to Walt Disney's head and Elvis Presley. But again, it's a rich dead man's game.

A tree burial is sorta nice. But really, once you're buried inside a tree, it's the same as being buried underground, but maybe a little scarier. And if you think a funeral director is outrageously overpricing his work, wait until an arborist gets involved!

There's aquamation where your body is "bathed" until it breaks down. I wonder how long that would take. Furthermore, who's gonna volunteer their bathtub? "I don't know," my daughter would say, "but Dad's been in the bathtub for about three months now and doesn't seem to be in any hurry to go down the drain."

Dissolution has gotta be the Mafia's favorite way to dispose of a body by dumping it into strong chemicals and turning it into soup. Expediency is key here, which is nice. But then again, I can't see Johnny Law looking kindly on someone melting down Grandpa in a barrel in the backyard.

I found about a dozen other ways to sail away, each more gruesome than the other. And expensive. No, I'm beginning to think my display case idea would be the cheapest and least burdensome for my loved ones. Unless, of course, they end up in that particular classroom.

Next week...puppies! (I kid, I kid...) And Happy Halloween, boo!

But I'm not kidding about the many creative ways of body disposal to be found at the Dandy Drop Inn where it's elevated to an art form. C'mon over and check in! Just make sure you'll be able to check out, if you know what I mean. That's the fun to be had in Dread and Breakfast! Make your vacation (and burial) plans now!