I remember the good times, when me, Mom and Trump would skip merrily through the Kansas sunflower fields, when we'd have sleep-overs and do each others' hair, and...and...
I remember when it all started...(Cue the swirling picture, swelling music, and cut back several years ago).
When I first became aware of my mom's thoughts on Trump, before the ludicrous election, I was taken aback as she'd been a firm Democrat for many years.
"I'm telling you, Stuart," she said in that stubborn tone she used on me as a child, "he's a good man."
"A good man who harrasses and molests women and--"
"That was a long time ago. I'm telling you, he's a changed man. I know what I know." (That last stubborn Missouri statement became her catch-phrase over the next five years).
"Whatever." I threw my hands up. Both of them. Because what else can you do when facing crazy?
"He's a God-fearing man," she said, always getting the last word in. She folded her arms, pinched her lips tight and looked away. End of discussion!
But let's break down that last statement. "God-fearing." First of all, I gotta wonder what kind of Old Testament saying that is. Why is it a good thing to fear your creator? Is that what my mom's religion is based on? Fear? How sad and cruel.
Second, can anyone imagine Trump actually cowering in fear from anyone or anything? I'm trying to imagine him huddled in a corner, his orange cover-up drenched with flop sweat, an orange hand protectively draped over his head. Nah, doesn't work for me.
If anything, as a friend told me, he thinks he's God. Now, that I can get behind. During the time he's been in office, no one's ever told him, "No." You hear that often enough, then you think you can get away with anything. And he has.
Our combustible three-way relationship continued over the last several years, always on very unstable ground. Then, one miraculous day, celestial trumpets blared!
Gloriously, my mom said, "I'm sick of the whole thing! Trump shouldn't have assassinated that guy."
"That guy?" I said. "You mean the Iranian general?"
"Why, yes! I just with they'd hurry up and impeach him!"
She's seen the light! Trump had fallen in her eyes! Truly, it was a post-Christmas miracle!
It lasted on sweet day.
The next day, she said, "I think it's all political. I think someone told Trump to do it. You'll see I'm right, you'll see." She wagged a finger at me. "The Democrats are behind it."
"Mom, for cryin' out loud, you can't really think that Trump would listen to anyone, let alone the Democrats! That's crazy!"
"All right, Stuart." That indignant tone and folded arms came out again. "I know I'm right. We'll see, we'll just see. You'll see I'm right."
Well, no, sadly we never will know the whole truth ever about what really goes on behind politics. Which is a shame since our so-called leaders are supposed to be representing us.
I never consummated my relationship with Trump. Now, I just wish my mom would break up with him.
You want more? You got it! Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley is my horror/humor short story collection, some of the tales written angrily after the last election. Let's not have this happen again or you're gonna get a sequel! It's all on you! You've been duly warned!
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