Friday, February 28, 2020

Of Boggarts and Barguests by Catherine Cavendish


My latest novel – The Garden of Bewitchment – is set in and around Haworth, in the heart of some of the most glorious and wild moorland countryside to be found in the British Isles. It is an area steeped in tradition and folklore and, as with most rural locations, has its share of strange and mythical creatures, ones so frightening that an encounter with them is not recommended.

The area straddles the traditional counties of Yorkshire and Lancashire so, needless to say, many place names occur on both sides of the mountains and hills of the Pennines which divide them. One longstanding shared tradition is the legendary, not to be trifled with, super-scary boggart. It is a creature to be handled with extreme caution and never, ever to be given any kind of gift. If you do, it will never leave you. There are many boggart related stories but this should give you an idea of what you would be dealing with if one ever came to stay. It comes from an account by Edwin Sidney Hartland, published in 1890 in his work, English Fairy and Other Folk Tales:

‘In the house of an honest farmer in Yorkshire, named George Gilbertson, a Boggart had taken up his abode. He here caused a good deal of annoyance, especially by tormenting the children in various ways. Sometimes their bread and butter would be snatched away, or their pot-ringers of bread and milk be capsized by an invisible hand; for the Boggart never let himself be seen; at other times the curtains of their beds would be shaken backwards and forwards, or a heavy weight would press on and nearly suffocate them. The parents had often, on hearing their cries, to fly to their aid. There was a kind of closet, formed by a wooden partition on the kitchen stairs, and a large knot having been driven out of one of the deal-boards of which it was made, there remained a hole. Into this one day the farmer’s youngest boy stuck the shoe-horn with which he was amusing himself, when immediately it was thrown out again, and struck the boy on the head. The agent was of course the Boggart, and it soon became their sport (which they called ’laking with Boggart’) to put the shoe-born into the hole and have it shot back at them.
‘The Boggart at length proved such a torment that the farmer and his wife resolved to quit the house and let him have it all to himself. This was put into execution, and the farmer and his family were following the last loads of furniture, when a neighbour named John Marshall came up: “Well, Georgey,” said he, “and sca you’re leaving t’ould hoose at last?”

“Heigh, Johnny, my lad, I’m forced tull it; for that villain Boggart torments us soa, we can neither rest fleet nor day for’t. It seems bike to have such a malice again t’poor bairns, it ommost kills my poor dame here at thoughts on’t, and soa, ye see, we’re forced to flitt loike.” 

‘He scarce had uttered the words when a voice from a deep upright churn cried out: “Aye, aye, Georgey, we’re flitting, ye see.”

“‘Od bang thee,” cried the poor farmer, “if I’d known thou’d been there, I wadn’t ha’ stirred a peg. Nay, nay, it’s no use, Mally,” turning to his wife, “we may as weel turn back again to t’ould hoose as be tormented in another’ that’s not so convenient”.’

Not all boggarts start out bad, some began life as helpful spirits (think house elf). Not far from Haworth, near Burnley, over the border in Lancashire, at Barcroft Hall, lived a boggart who started out as a helpful housekeeper.  The farmer's wife would find all her chores done, laundry washed and ironed and the floors swept. The farmer himself was grateful for the help he got bringing in the sheep on a snowy winter evening. He heard the creature's voice, but never saw it. He was determined to rectify that and made a small hole in the ceiling of the room where the boggart performed most of his household tasks. Sure enough, his patience was rewarded by the sight of a small, wizened, barefoot old man who began to sweep the floor.

Surely his feet must be cold against the stone floor. The farmer thought so anyway and decided to make him a pair of tiny clogs and left them out for him. His son saw the boggart pick them up and heard him call out: 
 "New clogs, new wood,
T'hob Thurs will ne'er again do any good!"

From then on, the era of good works was over. The boggart began to hound and hurt his family. The animals got sick, the farmer's prize bull was somehow transported to the farmhouse roof. Household items were smashed indiscriminately. Things got so bad that this family, too, felt forced to flee. But the boggart had other ideas. "Wait there while I fetch me clogs and I'll come with thee."

And this is why you should never give a gift to a boggart - for they cannot harm you unless, and until, you do.

Oh – and never name one either, unless you want to feel the full force of their wrath.
As for the infamous and frightening Barguest, the caves of the deep ravine called Troller’s Gill near the hamlet of Skyreholme are said to live up to their name as trolls and sprites are rumoured to live there, along with the notorious, mythical black dog known as ‘the Barguest’ which provided Charlotte Brontë with the inspiration for the appearances of Gytrash, the ghostly Black Dog in Jane Eyre.

The Barguest is a truly fearsome creature – huge, with long hair and fearsome teeth, sharp as razors. There is a story that a man decided to prove or disprove the legend of the Barguest once and for all by staying out all night in Troller’s Gill. He picked a particularly windy night (actually it is quite difficult to avoid wind on those moors!), but at least it was moonlit. As he crept into the darkness of the deepest part of the ravine that makes up the Gill, he heard a shout.
“Forbear!”

Stupidly he decided to ignore it. He carried on until he arrived at a massive yew tree, under which he drew a circle on the ground, muttered some charms of protection and kissed the damp ground three times. Satisfied no light could penetrate through the thick canopy of leaves and branches, he summoned the beast to appear.

In a gale of wind and raging inferno, the beast appeared and attacked the man. His protective circle had done him no good whatsoever. 

When his body was found, mysterious claw marks that could not have been made by man were found lacerating his breast, along with evidence of a burned out fire.
Don’t play the game.

In 1893, Evelyn and Claire leave their home in a Yorkshire town for life in a rural retreat on their beloved moors. But when a strange toy garden mysteriously appears, a chain of increasingly terrifying events is unleashed. Neighbour Matthew Dixon befriends Evelyn, but seems to have more than one secret to hide. Then the horror really begins. The Garden of Bewitchment is all too real and something is threatening the lives and sanity of the women. Evelyn no longer knows who - or what - to believe. And time is running out. 

About the Author
Cat first started writing when someone thrust a pencil into her hand. Unfortunately as she could neither read nor write properly at the time, none of her stories actually made much sense. However as she grew up, they gradually began to take form and, at the tender age of nine or ten, she sold her dolls’ house, and various other toys to buy her first typewriter – an Empire Smith Corona. She hasn’t stopped bashing away at the keys ever since, although her keyboard of choice now belongs to her laptop.

The need to earn a living led to a varied career in sales, advertising and career guidance but Cat is now the full-time author of a number of supernatural, ghostly, haunted house and Gothic horror novels and novellas, including The Haunting of Henderson Close, the Nemesis of the Gods trilogy – Wrath of the Ancients, Waking the Ancients, Damned by the Ancients - The Devil’s Serenade, Dark Avenging Angel, The Pendle Curse, Saving Grace Devine and Linden Manor. Her short stories have appeared in the anthologies Haunted Are These Houses and Midnight in the Graveyard.

She lives in Southport with her longsuffering husband and black cat (who remembers that her species used to be worshipped in ancient Egypt and sees no reason why that practice should not continue).

When not slaving over a hot computer, Cat enjoys rambling around stately homes, circles of standing stones and travelling to favourite haunts such as Vienna and Orkney.







Friday, February 21, 2020

DON'T go in the bathroom!

As we crawled into bed the other night, my wife snuggled in and gave a long, satisfied sigh.

"I love our bed," she said.

"I do, too."

Talk about hot, burning romance for a Valentine's Day.

But it's true. Our bed's a modern marvel. It's a ginormous king-size with an extra comfy (and quiet! You can't hear your mate roll over!) foam mattress. We have a heated blanket on top for those brutal Midwestern nights and--the new sensation that's sweeping the nation--a weighted blanket. Going to bed is like getting dozens of hugs.

"This is my favorite place," my wife said and then sighed again. Of course newlyweds may find their bed their favorite place for other reasons, but we know what true pleasure is: comfort.

"Yeah, it's my favorite place, too," I added But then a sudden thought exploded in my head. "No, wait! It's my second favorite place!"

"What could be better than this?"

"The bathroom! Duh."

My wife gave me a head smack. "You men are so dumb.  Yesterday, on NPR--"

"Oh, well, if NPR says it, it has to be true," I said in the snidest of possible ways.

Head smack! Whap!

Other than the head-smack, my wife chose to ignore my childish retort. "On NPR, it came up that on average women spend five minutes to go to the bathroom. Men spend 20 minutes. 20 minutes! And that's just the average!"

Instead of knocking me down, I felt vindicated in my bathrooming habits. "Aha! See? I'm not a freak! Potty time's my quiet time!"

"Whatever... I don't want you going through hemorrhoid surgery again. The more time you spend on the toilet, the more likely that is to reoccur."

I gave it a sitting-on-the-toilet's worth of pondering. (And if you'd love to relive my hemorrhoid tale of wit and whimsy, check it out here: Assteroid Apocolypse.)  I decided I didn't want to think about that end of things too much.

"I love going to the bathroom. I guess...it's kinda like a mini-man-cave. A place we can temporarily call our own, let it all out (so to speak), and just flush our worries away."

"Yeah, they hit on that on NPR, too."

"Well if NPR says it's true, then--" 

SMAK!

"Cut it out!" I scooted a little bit closer to the edge of the bed, fearful of more retaliation. "But you never leave me alone in my mini-man-cave. You're...you're like a heat-seeking missile."


It's true, too. My wife, among possessing many other impressive talents and feats of will and brainery, knows exactly when I've nestled onto my roost upstairs. And like Lenny and Squiggy, the door suddenly cracks open loudly. "Hello!"

Then she'll discuss things that surely could wait until my pants are pulled up.


Her parting words are always wistful, dry, and haunting: "Light a candle!"

I pondered a little bit further and wondered what a future (God forbid!) job interview might sound like:

"Tell us a little bit about yourself, Mr. West."

"Well...I like to lay in our bed. A lot. It's a very, very, very comfy bed. Oh! And I like to go to the bathroom. A whole bunch. 'Cause it's quiet and relaxing." Eager smile.

Pause. The interviewer fingers his upper lip. Finally, he says, "Mr. West, you're exactly the type of man we're looking for! Welcome aboard!"

While we're on the topic of cutting-edge juvenile humor, have you guys checked out my Zach and Zora detective series? No? Whaddaya waiting for? Perfect reading for those quiet times on the toilet! The books recount the tales of a lunk-headed, but good-hearted male stripper (sorry...a "male entertainment dancer") and his seemingly always pregnant, short-tempered, but sharp private detective sister. That's Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, Murder by Massage, Nightmare of Nannies, and I'm slaving away on a forth one now!





Friday, February 14, 2020

Water! The magical ingredient!

As a child, my grandma used to say, "make out your meal." Mystified, I'd watch as she'd grizzle down on a corn of the cob, puzzling over her cracker barrel Yoda pearls of delirious wisdom, hypnotized by her cheek swimming round and round, masticating the hell outta that bite of corn. Even then, I thought she was some kinda mad genius. Even if I didn't know what she was ever talking about.

But the other night--at two A.M. (the best time for insomniac pondering)--I had a real "Eureka Moment!"

"Aha," I whispered so as not to wake my wife, "the answer was right in front of me all along. My mother was the greatest practitioner of 'making out your meal.'"

For you see, dear reader, my mother truly DID make out our meals. Particularly with that most magical, endless ingredient, water! Yep, water!

Constantly, my brothers and I would catch her sneaking water into condiments such as ketchup, mustard, chocolate syrup, everything. Anything to give that condiment a longer shelf life. It didn't matter that the "ketchup" would trickle off of our over-cooked burger patties, hey, my mom was determined to get her money's worth and then some, taste be hanged.

Soda pop was a true luxury in our household. While my playground pals would brag about how they drank endless sodas at home (particularly from the individual bottles one could actually claim ownership to), pop was an extremely rare treat. But, man, when Mom would bring it home (albeit in the big communal jug, never individual bottles), I knew our weekend was gonna be a good one.

Until she learned the trick of adding water to the bottle.

"Mom, this pop tastes funny."

"Huh. Must be flat," she'd say before waltzing off humming like a crazed bird. (I could go on another rant about how she'd never mastered the art of truly tightening the soda-pop bottle-cap, thereby allowing the soda to go flat, but then I don't wanna dilute my tale. {See what I did there?})

Nowadays, when confronted with these traumatic childhood tales, my mom utilizes the best defense only parents have developed: selective memory. "Bah," she recently said, "I never did that."

Naturally, she says the same thing about feeding my brother and I sugar and butter sandwiches. "Mercy, I never gave you boys that." My brother and I vehemently remember things differently. Sigh...it's a losing battle, one I'm fated to take out on my daughter in my "molden-golden" years.

Speaking of "molden-golden" years, there's a short story in my collection, Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley, that I'm proud of: Halloweenie Roast. It details an embittered elderly woman going all-out commando on three particularly nasty brats. See whose side you end up rooting for! Read in shock as the Halloween night from Hell escalates into a full-on battlefield! Gasp about my brazen plugs! Watch as Oprah plugs my book (nah...never mind that last one)!
 

Friday, February 7, 2020

Me, my mom and Trump makes three!

Whee!

I remember the good times, when me, Mom and Trump would skip merrily through the Kansas sunflower fields, when we'd have sleep-overs and do each others' hair, and...and...
I just can't do it. No, our "relationship" is fraught with loopiness, distrust, and other crumbling bedrocks of relationships.

I remember when it all started...(Cue the swirling picture, swelling music, and cut back several years ago).

When I first became aware of my mom's thoughts on Trump, before the ludicrous election, I was taken aback as she'd been a firm Democrat for many years.

"I'm telling you, Stuart," she said in that stubborn tone she used on me as a child, "he's a good man."

"A good man who harrasses and molests women and--"

"That was a long time ago. I'm telling you, he's a changed man. I know what I know." (That last stubborn Missouri statement became her catch-phrase over the next five years).

"Whatever." I threw my hands up. Both of them. Because what else can you do when facing crazy?

"He's a God-fearing man," she said, always getting the last word in. She folded her arms, pinched her lips tight and looked away. End of discussion!

But let's break down that last statement. "God-fearing." First of all, I gotta wonder what kind of Old Testament saying that is. Why is it a good thing to fear your creator? Is that what my mom's religion is based on? Fear? How sad and cruel.

Second, can anyone imagine Trump actually cowering in fear from anyone or anything? I'm trying to imagine him huddled in a corner, his orange cover-up drenched with flop sweat, an orange hand protectively draped over his head. Nah, doesn't work for me.

If anything, as a friend told me, he thinks he's God. Now, that I can get behind. During the time he's been in office, no one's ever told him, "No." You hear that often enough, then you think you can get away with anything. And he has.

Our combustible three-way relationship continued over the last several years, always on very unstable ground. Then, one miraculous day, celestial trumpets blared!

Gloriously, my mom said, "I'm sick of the whole thing! Trump shouldn't have assassinated that guy."

"That guy?" I said. "You mean the Iranian general?"

"Why, yes! I just with they'd hurry up and impeach him!"

She's seen the light! Trump had fallen in her eyes! Truly, it was a post-Christmas miracle!

It lasted on sweet day.

The next day, she said, "I think it's all political. I think someone told Trump to do it. You'll see I'm right, you'll see." She wagged a finger at me. "The Democrats are behind it."

"Mom, for cryin' out loud, you can't really think that Trump would listen to anyone, let alone the Democrats! That's crazy!"

"All right, Stuart." That indignant tone and folded arms came out again. "I know I'm right. We'll see, we'll just see. You'll see I'm right."

Well, no, sadly we never will know the whole truth ever about what really goes on behind politics. Which is a shame since our so-called leaders are supposed to be representing us.

I never consummated my relationship with Trump. Now, I just wish my mom would break up with him.

You want more? You got it! Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley is my horror/humor short story collection, some of the tales written angrily after the last election. Let's not have this happen again or you're gonna get a sequel! It's all on you! You've been duly warned!