Friday, January 17, 2020

Trauma-Laundry-ama

Actually I'd like to open up a "Trauma-Laundry-ama" for men who don't understand the rules of laundry.
Ladies (and men who know better), please keep in mind a lot of us lumbering, dumbering males weren't taught anything about appropriate laundry methodology. Our mothers were perfectly content on just washing our gross clothes--different era, different beliefs--and topping it off with a June Cleaver smile (look her up, Millenials).

When my wife moved in with me, I took it upon myself to do a load of her laundry. Trying to do a nice thing. 

I found out it was close to clothing treason.

Her clothes were chameleon like, changing colors. Sweaters and blouses oddly grew smaller.

In my defense, I said, "But, honey, my clothes constantly shrink all the time. It's weird, but it's the circle of life.  Hakuna matata, right?" (Um, my clothes' shrinking might have to do with other things--cough*weight gain*cough--but that's another blog post for another day). Regardless, she didn't buy into my half-arsed non-excuse.

She proceeded to tell me the Proper Laundry Rules. Who woulda' thought it'd be so complex? I mean, I used to throw everything in the machine, wash the bunch, crunch the clothing into drawers, dust my hands, hey, I'm a modern man, taking care of myself.

Or so I thought.

Who knew you were supposed to separate colors? And clothes by texture...and weight? Good Gawd, you need charts and process maps to steer you in the right direction. Plus, it'd take me days, I tell you, DAYS to wash a weeks' load of laundry, if I did everything by the book.

I lived for many years doing things my way (cue Frank Sinatra...again, Millenials, if you're reading, don't sweat it, go to Wikipedia). Okay, admittedly, my clothes aren't in the best shape.

My wife tells me I can't wear certain shirts or sweaters if we're going out.

"Why?" I ask, putting on an upside-down smile.

"Because, the shirt's stained..." She'll poke at a couple of heretofore unnoticed spots.

"But...they're beauty marks!"

Well. Apparently, it's just not my wife who believes in proper laundry etiquette. Even my father-in-law got in on the fracas recently. During I last visit, I put on a sweater and my wife said I looked terrible.

"What? This sweater looks great!" I said.

She said, "It's got pills everywhere."

My entire world went topsy-turvy. I'd never heard of sweaters having pills. I was so confused, I felt like I'd taken too many "funny" pills from the '60's.

My father-in-law piped in. "You don't look terrible..."

"Well, thank y--"

"But your sweater does."

Man, no respect.

Speaking of respect, do you all (Midwest speak) have respect for any or your bosses? Or ever had? Neither have I? 'Cause they're the WORST. They've been so bad, I had to write a satirical, horror, mystery, thriller book about it. Check out Corporate Wolf and live vicariously! Because work sucks and Monday's just around the corner. You're welcome!

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