Foodie Sadists

So, it's come to my attention that "Foodies" are sadists.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on, wait. Don't leave! I have empirical evidence to hold this theory up. And I'm not just talking about Gordon Ramsay ripping into some poor novice chef, either.

Okay, it's bad enough that Foodies are food snobs, turning their noses up at *sniff* tacos or whatever. But they also have created different uses of language just to drive people crazy.

I mean, honestly, is "Foodie" even a real word?

But it doesn't stop there, nosireebobcattail!  Let's take the carrot for example. To me, a carrot's a carrot no matter what you do with it. You can cook it, boil it, shave it, or just go full-on Bugs Bunny and gnaw away, but it's merely a carrot. But Foodies insist "au contraire (pinky finger extended)!"

There are carrots called Thumbelina, Little Fingers, Purple Dragon, and my favorite, Solar Yellow. Do they taste different? Probably not, at least from this guy's Taco Bell-raised taste buds.

Here's where things get really interesting... We all know there're "baby carrots." Why aren't there "adult carrots?" Furthermore, can anyone explain to me what a "fancy carrot" is? Is it a carrot in a top hat? And here's where my theory of foodie sadists really comes into play. Some time ago, we were at a restaurant and the menu proudly proclaimed they were offering "tortured carrots." Yep. Poor lil' orange sticks.

What'd I tell you? Sadistic.

Furthermore, you can crack, beat, whip, boil, scramble, slice, dice, dredge, slash, punch down, knock down, peel, trim, mince, dice, scrape, scald, grate, chop, debone, grind, pierce, pound, prick, shred, skewer, sliver, strip, sweat, and hang various food items! Notice there's not a whole lot caressing going on in the kitchen. Buncha sadists.

Then things really get sick and twisted when talking about Olive Oil. Okay, sure there's "virgin" olive oil. But...how can olive oil be "extra virgin?" It boggles my mind. It's kinda like a doctor proclaiming a patient "extra dead." You either are or you aren't. 

On occasion, I've attempted to be a "Foodie" and beat up some food in the kitchen just to feel what it's like. Once I thought I'd make chicken cordon bleu for my wife. The recipe called for "whipping cream." I thought, great, I've already got "Cool Whip" in the frig, no need to whip it senseless since it's been pre-whipped for me. 

That night, disaster struck our palates. I'd made a big mistake. Cool Whip apparently wasn't the same as whipping cream. Chick cordon bleu shouldn't have tasted sweet and marshmellowy.

So, I ask you, foodie sadists of the world, why can't you quit beating on your food, stop with the confusing and violent language, and give food a chance? Some of it used to have faces, after all.

Don't make me tell you this again.

Speaking of sadism, something's just not quite right at the Dandy Drop Inn, where folks check in, but don't check out, if you know what I mean. See for yourself. This Winter, cozy up with Dread and Breakfast.