Testicle Festival!

So, last weekend we were visiting family. We're all in the pool, four adults and two nephews (12 and 14). Somehow the conversation circled around to the insidious nature of Ikea and how they trap you like a rat in their endless maze of uncomfortable furniture. Someone mentioned their meatballs are worth the torture.

"If you don't mind eating horse-meat," someone opined.

A nephew said, "What's wrong with that?"

Naturally, foot in mouth, I said, "Nothing, I suppose, if you don't mind eating horse balls." Quickly (but, too late!), I said, "Wait. That kinda came out wrong."

Which is my long segue into what's really on my mind. Of course, I'm talking about "Rocky Mountain Oysters," aka "calf fries," aka "prairie oysters." And then there's "cowboy caviar", "Montana tendergroins", "dusted nuts", "swinging beef," and "bull eggs." Now let's quit prettifying the item in question with all of those tricky "aka's"; no matter how many ribbons you put on them, we're still talking about BULL TESTICLES!

Good Lord, people actually eat these. And like them. There are festivals--festivals, mind you!--devoted to these so-called scrumptious nuggets. It boggles my mind, especially since those who "claim" to like them are usually the rugged, macho types who I'd think would rather be wrangling bulls instead of chomping into their nards. I've also never met a woman who has said, "You know, I'd really like to scarf down a big steaming plate of bull testicles. Yum."

So our science lesson in the pool continued. I said to my nephew, "Boyo, never--under any circumstances, ever--eat rocky mountain oysters." I explained what they were.

Here's where things really got interesting. It turned out my brother-in-law had tried them. He said, "I ate one once and now I'm done."

I asked, "Were they crunchy?"

The women in the pool scoffed. My bro-in-law said, "No, they weren't, not like you'd think they would be. They were kinda...gooey."

(Which just REALLY makes me want to steer clear of them).

Incredulous, my wife and sis-in-law gang up on the guys, think it's silly that we believe they'd be crunchy. Yet, all four males agree.

Patiently, I explained, "I find it amazing that women don't think they'd be crunchy. I mean, we live with the things after all. Why do you think they're called nuts?"

Our exploration into science came to a screeching halt. 

Later, though, I pulled my nephew aside, whispered, "Somewhere, there's a field of poor, depressed bulls without testicles milling about."

All in the name of science, of course.

While we're on the topic of science, I'm reminded of lycanthropy (which has absolutely nothing to do with science and is a shameful segue into plugging my brand spankin' new book). Of course, I'm talking about Corporate Wolf, put out by the fine folks at Grinning Skull Press. Think "An American Werewolf in London" meets "Office Space" and you've got a good running start. Available for preorder right about....NOW!