Meatsicles are a beautiful thing.
When you're famished, when you wanna get right to it, when you don't want to hassle with such unnecessary utensils as knives, when you're absolutely exhausted, a meatsicle is your best friend.
Just jab a fork into a pork-chop and collapse onto the sofa in front of the TV. An oldie but a classic. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
So, the other night--in an ongoing, concerted effort to get away from the TV while eating--we gathered for dinner at the dining room table. I served pork chops.
My fork stabbed a chop, I hoisted it up. Before I took a bite, my wife shut me down.
"Stuart! What do you think you're doing?"
I looked around, looked at the dog, looked for logic. I kinda thought it was apparent what I was doing. "Um...eating." I gave the meatsicle a hearty shake.
"No. Use a knife."
"But...we always eat meatsicles."
"Not at the table we don't. Act civilized, for God's sake."
I said, "Fine, then let's go sit in front of the TV."
Well. That didn't sit well.
Still, I couldn't understand where I'd gone wrong. I thought we'd long ago incorporated meatsicles into our culinary regimen. I was mistaken.
My wife went on to explain the rules about when and where meatsicles are properly accepted.
Stunned, I asked, "How come I've never heard of these rules before? Is there a book or something?"
"Just get a knife," she groaned, rolling her eyes into orbit.
This world is confusing enough without new rules being thrown at you left and right, especially when the rule-maker doesn't let you know. It's kinda like Trump tweeting new policy and unless you follow him on Twitter, you're in the dark.
Since the beginning of time, meatsicles have been a perfectly acceptable form of food and eating. Sure, cavemen didn't have forks, but it's a well-documented fact they'd jab meat onto sticks, an early precursor. And it's also a well-documented fact cavemen didn't have TV, so when they sat down at the dinner table, meatsicles were completely acceptable.
The way civilized people ate, not like those uncouth dinosaurs.
Speaking of peculiar, you ain't seen nothin' yet! My new book, Peculiar County, is up for preorder and out July 31st. More about it next week.
In the meantime, click here to preorder one very peculiar reading experience (seat belts are mandatory).