Let's get something straight. I don't camp. The closest to camp I come is watching the old Batman TV series.
I'm a civilized chap, rather fond of climate control and beds. Beds were created for a reason. I believe it blasphemous not to use them. And cable TV, a must for survival.
Several years back, my wife talked me into a camping trip. We're talking really roughing it. Staying in a cabin in the wild woods of Oklahoma. The sheer Jeremiah Johnson-ish of it all! Sure, the cabin had a hot tub and a VCR player, but, man, I felt so...primitive. I mean, honestly! A VCR player, for cryin' out loud!
It was at this savage cabin I saw my first "walkingstick." Totally freaked me out. Screamed like one of Jason's victims. Sticks aren't supposed to walk. And people can't understand why I don't camp. Duh.
I suppose my Great Indoorsmanship began at an early age. Against my better judgment (and because kids are never given a choice), I was set to go on a cub scout weekend camping trip. Thankfully I came down with a stomach virus and missed the "adventure." On that ill-fated trip, my fellow scouts blundered into a wasp's nest and rolled through a thatch of poison ivy. If I even look at poison ivy, huge blisters develop on my eyelids.
Invariably when people try to convince me how wonderful camping is they fall short of selling it. Usually, their tales are rife with horror (Mosquitos! Flooding! All sorts of Biblical plagues!), hardly a convincing argument.
When you wake up freezing or sweating (both equally awful sensations), I hardly see that as a bonus. Campers are just opening themselves up to the Zika virus or a Bigfoot ravaging. Not to mention the various demented serial killers who lurk in the woods. I know, I've done my research. I've watched lots of horror movies.
I gained my Indoorsman legs the hard, practiced way...on the sofa. Many hours spent on many a different sofa have toughened me into the sofa-sitting man I am today.
Friday, July 29, 2016
Friday, July 22, 2016
The Absolutely Craptacular Never Before Unveiled Original Deleted Ending to Godland!
A first, ladies and gents! I'm exposing myself (don't call the cops) by putting up my really bone-headed original ending to Godland, my adult suspense thriller! Seedy journalism gone wild! Hyperbole in the worst possible way!
Okay, I've settled down...
Just be thankful I didn't actually end a book this way. But do feel free to send sympathy cards.
There's no real set-up needed, other than my surviving characters have just lived through a hellish night.
Alright. Enough build-up. Ready? Get some Pepto-Bismol ready, 'cause you're gonna need it.
Just...just this: (Sorry, sorry, sorry...)
The bad timing of Jason entering the room couldn’t have been worse. But there he stood, face pale as chalk, eyes filled with worry. Babbling non-stop.
Okay, I've settled down...
Just be thankful I didn't actually end a book this way. But do feel free to send sympathy cards.
There's no real set-up needed, other than my surviving characters have just lived through a hellish night.
Alright. Enough build-up. Ready? Get some Pepto-Bismol ready, 'cause you're gonna need it.
Just...just this: (Sorry, sorry, sorry...)
The bad timing of Jason entering the room couldn’t have been worse. But there he stood, face pale as chalk, eyes filled with worry. Babbling non-stop.
“There
you are!” Jason yelled.
He rushed over to Matt's bedside. “I’ve been all over this Podunk town looking for the hospital!”
Shannon blinked at the unexpected visitor, gave him a double-take.
Finally Jason noticed Shannon. “Oh, hi, honey. You must be Shannon… You okay?”
He rushed over to Matt's bedside. “I’ve been all over this Podunk town looking for the hospital!”
Shannon blinked at the unexpected visitor, gave him a double-take.
Finally Jason noticed Shannon. “Oh, hi, honey. You must be Shannon… You okay?”
“Wait…what?”
said Shannon.
Matt
grimaced, awaiting the sure-to-be negative outcome.
“Um…Hi…”
said Shannon. “Damn...”
“Shannon,”
said Matt, "I need to explain something to you."
“Are you gay?” his daughter asked.
Matt
sighed. “Yes.” He held her tight, wouldn't let go.
To
Matt’s surprise, Shannon laughed. “So…now I have two dads?”
Matt
smiled back. “I suppose you do.”
THE END
And that might've been The End of my writing career had I kept this original ending. Wow, huh? Stinky. All that's missing is a laugh-track, '80's crap-com clothing and hairstyles, and a freeze-frame ala "Chips" style.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I humbly apologize, I'm sorry, sorry, crap, I'm sorry....
(I'm still sorry.)
Friday, July 15, 2016
A maudlin Hallmark ode to my wife
I cherish my wife. Probably more than she knows.
She's my rock, been there for me through the death of a parent, the loss of a couple dogs, physical trauma, scares and family dysfunction. And she still keeps putting up with me.
I'm the first to admit I'm not easy to get along with. Hey, neither is she when you get right down to it. She's a college professor with a rep of being tough. Believe me, fellow students, I understand. I feel your pain. I get lectures constantly. How to clean the toilets, where not to put things, don't belch, etc. I don't have to take notes, of course. She just expects me to learn.
But she understands me, more than anyone ever has.
We're talking the big picture, the full kahuna, the vast love. But it's the little things that count, piling up in my registry of adoration. Itty-bitty snap-shots of love, imprints stamped within my heart and tattooed upon my brain.
The other night she tried on some new Capri pants. Said she liked 'em. I asked, "But, where will you wear them?"
She gave me one of those put-upon looks--the kind that says I'm being an idiot--and replied, "Um, on the lower half of my body." She shook her head, belatedly said, "Duh."
Keeps our relationship fresh and awesomely prickly.
I can't believe it took so many years for me to find her. And I wouldn't take a single second back.
My wife makes life refreshing, exciting, always unpredictable.
I love her.
Okay, done now. Carry on, sorry for the sentiment.
She's my rock, been there for me through the death of a parent, the loss of a couple dogs, physical trauma, scares and family dysfunction. And she still keeps putting up with me.
I'm the first to admit I'm not easy to get along with. Hey, neither is she when you get right down to it. She's a college professor with a rep of being tough. Believe me, fellow students, I understand. I feel your pain. I get lectures constantly. How to clean the toilets, where not to put things, don't belch, etc. I don't have to take notes, of course. She just expects me to learn.
But she understands me, more than anyone ever has.
We're talking the big picture, the full kahuna, the vast love. But it's the little things that count, piling up in my registry of adoration. Itty-bitty snap-shots of love, imprints stamped within my heart and tattooed upon my brain.
The other night she tried on some new Capri pants. Said she liked 'em. I asked, "But, where will you wear them?"
She gave me one of those put-upon looks--the kind that says I'm being an idiot--and replied, "Um, on the lower half of my body." She shook her head, belatedly said, "Duh."
Keeps our relationship fresh and awesomely prickly.
I can't believe it took so many years for me to find her. And I wouldn't take a single second back.
My wife makes life refreshing, exciting, always unpredictable.
I love her.
Okay, done now. Carry on, sorry for the sentiment.
Friday, July 8, 2016
Frazer Lee: Horror Novelist and Scriptwriter (Without a Tweed Jacket)
Frazer Lee is a potent
double threat. A successful scriptwriter with a terrific film thriller out
(Panic Button) and numerous published books and short stories in the horror
genre. It’s great to peek into his mind this week at Twisted Tales from Tornado
Alley.
SRW: Frazer, let’s
start with your latest novel, The Skintaker. Tell the Tornado Alley readers
what they can expect.
FL: Thanks for having
me! In 'The Skintaker' you can expect murder, mystery and flagellation in the
steamy Amazon rainforest. And don’t think for a minute that the heroine’s
smartphone is going to save her, 'cos the period setting for the novel is the
1920s!
SRW: The book quite
surprised me in many ways. The first three-quarters or so reads like a
rollicking adventure tale with some quite exciting action set-pieces. Yet then
you pull out the stops and let your horror flag fly high. How do you perceive
this book? What genre would you place it in?
FL: It's a horror
adventure for sure. As a youngster I loved 'She' by Haggard and I suspect that
was a big influence. Horrific things do happen early on, but perhaps not in the
way we might expect as voracious horror readers - Rosie's home burns down and
she loses her family, Nimbo stumbles upon a killer's lair and his younger
brother is taken. It was my intention to give a creeping sense that something
is lurking on the edges of the pages and getting closer with each turn.
SRW: Clearly your
villain, Richter, represents evil colonialists, hell-bent on raping and
pillaging the poor Myahueneca tribe’s land and natural resources. Rosie’s vile
aunt and uncle represent the flip side of the coin, desiring to rob the Amazon
rain forest natives of their rich culture and long-standing spiritual beliefs.
Poor Rosie seems stuck, uncomfortable in both worlds, feeling more of a
connection to the tribesmen. Where does Frazer stand in the big picture?
FL: I'm with Rosie,
stuck between the worlds of commerce and spirituality, wondering how on earth
we honor the ancestors whilst pioneering the future. And like Rosie, I don't
have any of the answers - only lots of questions about how this crazy world
works!
SRW: Let me put on my
pretentious beanie for a moment…Rosie, a very empathetic and well-developed
protagonist, suffers from a strange skin blemish “condition.” What does this
represent? Her inner rage? Her blossoming womanhood? Something I’m not quite
able to grasp?
FL: (Tugs on his
pretentious stovepipe hat) She's tainted by her past, marked out to be
different. As with Harry Potter and his scar, and Darth Vader and his burns
some transformative change must happen to move Rosie on to the next stage of
her being. Will that skin-shedding moment be literal, or figurative? I hope
you'll read the book to find out!
SRW: The book gets
heady, in a metaphysical (“spiritual,” maybe?) way. Level with me, Frazer…how
far did your research take you? Ever been to the rain forest? Been trippin’ on
peyote over the last decade or so?
FL: Negatory to both of
those my friend. I read widely, studied maps and documentaries, immersed myself
in jungle soundscapes. Oh and drank coffee - lots of coffee.
SRW: Back to Rosie…why
do you hate her so? You certainly put her through the ringer, having her burn
up not once, but twice. And still live to tell her sad tale. (Gads! Belated
spoiler alert!).
FL: Ha ha! I love
dragging my characters through hell so they can learn something about
themselves. I'd like to say that it makes me more well rounded as a human
being. I'd *like* to say that...
SRW: As empathetic as
Rosie is, I loved to hate your villains. One of the signs of good
story-telling, I think. Richter is interesting. But he actually saves Rosie
from a situation early in the tale, a seemingly brave effort. Yet his portrayal
throughout the rest of the book is of a heinous, mustache-twirling bad guy.
Bait and switch?
FL: Thanks so much for
that. I think one-dimensional evil is too limited and boring. Bad guys think
they're right, and in their eyes they are heroes too. Richter is a seeker as
well as a destroyer. He sometimes likes to shake the dice just as much as he
likes winning.
SRW: And as much as I
despised Rosie’s guardians, the book seemed a lot lonelier once they exited the
tale. But I’m wired somewhat sociopathically, I suppose.
FL: We all need those
sources of conflict in our books to give us something to seethe at - but in
life, we can sometimes have the pleasure of disappearing into our writer
bunkers without having to deal with them. Job satisfaction.
SRW: The Skintaker’s
(um, a most unlikely hero, Fraser!) brief POV chapters are titled with Latin
terms. Thanks to my research assistant (Google), I discovered they’re the five
layers of the epidermis. Briefly, what’s the significance of this?
FL: Good old Google,
eh? Basically, with the Skintaker, the deeper he cuts into the flesh of life,
the deeper you go into the mysteries of death. Maybe there'll be a secret sixth
layer in the third book...
SRW: Hey, look at you,
an anthropologist, too! So you created the mythical tribe, the Myahueneca.
Again, I’m curious as to how far your research extended.
FL: Researching the
tribe and its world was such a pleasurable part of writing the book. I
assimilated into my fevered brainpan all of Bruce Parry's amazing documentary
films, lots of National Geographic articles, maps, art, museum exhibitions and
cd recordings of tribes and animal calls. Keeps me off the streets I guess.
SRW: It wasn’t until
the end of the book, I found out this was a prequel to your first novel, The
Lamplighters. I cry “foul,” sir! (Kidding. The book stands fine on its own).
While I’ve got your attention, tell everyone about The Lamplighters.
FL: Thanks muchly, sir!
The Lamplighters takes the action to Meditrine Island, a luxurious
billionaires' Mediterranean paradise. Caretakers, or Lamplighters, are employed
there to look after the mansions, pools and grounds. But new recruit Marla Neuborn
discovers the billionaire lifestyle has a truly dark side when she encounters
The Skin Mechanic.
SRW: Some of your prose
is exquisite, very beautiful to read. I see you teach writing and screenwriting
at several London universities. Lucky students! Please make this Midwestern
yokel a happy man and tell me you wear a tweed jacket and smoke a pipe! (Send
photos, too).
FL: Ha ha, thanks for
that. I’m not entirely sure my students would agree! And no pipe I'm afraid -
and definitely no tweed! (Yet...)
SRW: Let’s move on to
your other career: screenwriting. Actually, I stumbled upon your scripted film,
Panic Button, before I knew you were one of my stable-mates at the late Samhain
Publishing. Tell everyone a little about the flick, Frazer.
FL: Panic Button shows
what can go horribly wrong when you share too much information online. Four
strangers win an all expenses trip to NY on a private jet. Once airborne, they
participate in a new social media networking game. But when the questions start
getting just that bit too personal, they realize their host is not all he seems
- and they'll be forced to face their ‘sins’ in order to survive.
SRW: How did this all
come about?
FL: I've worked in the
film industry for many years, everything from runner, through lighting teamster
to writer, director and producer. I made a couple of short horror films that
won awards on the film festival circuit, and I was developing some feature
length projects. One of those scripts landed on the desk of Movie Mogul, an indie
outfit based in Cardiff, Wales. They invited me in for a chat and told me about
an idea they had for a contained horror/thriller movie. I looked at their
outline and was completely hooked by it. So they hired me to write a few drafts
of the screenplay, and after that the movie novelization.
SRW: Okay, I enjoyed
the film quite a bit. It certainly fits the tried and true tropes of the Saw
genre, what with a mysterious killer doling out vengeance to those he deems
deserving. Yet unlike the Saw films, you wisely stay away from the over-the-top
gore and rely on suspense and character development. But are you wary of being
lumped into the reviled “torture porn” genre with Panic Button?
FL: I honestly don’t
mind how people label it, so long as they are watching it. A lot of audience
reaction has been that they were expecting a full-on Saw-esque gorefest but
were surprised by the amount of suspense in the film. But there is some
amputation, spontaneous human combustion and the occasional headshot to keep
the bloodthirsty viewer happy too. Win-win.
SRW: Frazer, I gotta
ask…why an alligator?
FL: Ah, that came about
when the producers settled on the name ‘All2gethr’ for the movie’s fake social
network. The name kind of looked like ‘Alligator’ and the logo of a reptilian
creature having a stranglehold on the globe seemed to fit well with the theme
of the film.
SRW: One of the things
I like to do is find thematic unity in writers’ work. But try as I might, I
can’t find a single similar thing in common between The Skintaker and Panic
Button. Is there a common theme I’m missing, Frazer?
FL: I try to do
something a little different each time. Keeps me on my tippy-toes. But maybe if
The Skintaker is where we start out as modern human beings, then Panic Button
is where we end up as a species.
SRW: Panic Button is
the ultimate in voyeurism. Right down to the confessional scenes shot in an
airplane bathroom. Everyone’s worst nightmare (except for maybe, um, Chuck
Berry, of course. Just sayin’). Does the invasion of privacy frighten you,
Frazer?
FL: Ha ha! Yes, it
does. It repulses and fascinates in equal measure. Who hasn’t had a good look
at those bizarre and revealing moments captured by Google Earth’s street
cameras for example? What I find most fascinating of all is that we haven’t
even begun to scratch the surface of where we are going with our technology.
Generations to come might have an entirely different definition of what
‘freedom’ means.
SRW: I haven’t checked
out the credits on Panic Button’s cast yet, but I’m guessing they’re close to
noobies. Yet they’re a very strong ensemble cast. We have the requisite
jack-ass, the potential hero with a secret, the strong “final girl.” Were you
involved in casting? Does a writer pretty much have no say once the script leaves
their printer? I know in England, writers are more revered (particularly in
TV), than they are here in the States.
FL: I’m not sure
writers are revered anywhere, especially in film and TV, ha ha! If the show is
a success, the director will get the kudos. And if it’s a failure, then the
writer will get the blame. I had no input into
casting, beyond describing the characters in the screenplay. As the writer, I
respectfully let the director get on with what he or she wants to do. From what
I understand of the industry, a lot of casting is based on geography – where
the money is coming from dictates the casting to a certain degree. When I
direct films though, I usually make the final decisions on casting.
SRW: I hate to keep
hearkening back to the Saw films, but unlike those messes, Panic Button ties
everything up nice and tidy with a satisfying explanation and conclusion.
Still…has there been talk about a sequel?
FL: Oh, yes. If there’s
one thing I’ve learned about the film biz, it’s ‘never say never’.
SRW: Is this film
a veiled Big, Important Issue flick about the dangers of social media?
Frazer…social media: friend or foe?
FL: I hate the lure of
the ‘like’ and dislike the shallowness of the ‘share’, but as writers and
filmmakers we are all kind of expected to do it. So you’ll find me on Farcebook
and Tw*tter just like every other Z-list hopeful trying to peddle his wares!
SRW: What’s up next for
Frazer Lee?
FL: I’m hard at work on
The Skindred, a YA sci-fi/fantasy
series with tinges of Lovecraftian, otherworldly horror. I’m writing the
trilogy of novels and am also on the writing team for the movie scripts. It’s a
big project with huge set pieces and amazing characters that you can really
root for, or boo and hiss at! The next novella in my occult series The Daniel Gates Adventures will be sent
out to publishers soon. My first novel The
Lamplighters was a Finalist in the Book Pipeline contest, so I am also
working with their team in Hollywood to adapt the book for the big screen.
SRW: Thanks for
visiting, Frazer.
Check out his flick,
read his books:
Official
website: www.frazerlee.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/frazer_lee
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/AuthorFrazerLee
Amazon
Author Page: http://www.amazon.com/Frazer-Lee/e/B002L2PVAE
Friday, July 1, 2016
Interview with a Girl Bewitched (by Suzanne de Montigny and Kira)
Today, I'm turning the blog over to Kira, protagonist of my friend Suzanne de Montigny's new biography, A Town Bewitched! It's a stellar YA supernatural mystery/coming of age tale and the strangest thing? It's all true! It has to be, right? I mean since the protagonist is writing directly on my blog! Take it away, Kira!
Hi, my name’s Kira. I’m fourteen and Dad just died. There’s
this weird woman who showed up at his funeral that none of us know, and in a
small town like Hope, everyone is acquainted with everyone. Anyway, she’s got
the strangest eyes, a pale blue like a wild animal’s and she plays this
hypnotic Celtic music that has the whole town bewitched. I mean, I’ve never
seen Hope act like this before. This is a rock town, yet here they are taking
step lessons, fiddling lessons, and filling the one tavern Uncle Jack owns
every night. Even the In-Girls and their bully friend Travis are in! I can’t
believe it.
Anyway, my BFF, Charlotte, who’s the only Asian in the whole
town and who has just as much trouble fitting in thanks to Travis, are trying
to figure out who this Kate McDonough is. I’ve looked her up on the internet
and she doesn’t seem to have a past. Personally, I think she’s responsible for
the weird things happening around town – the vandalizing of buildings and the
dead and gutted birds someone leaves behind as a calling card. The authorities
even found human teeth marks in a bit of organ they left behind. I know it’s
here, but no one will believe me and I’m scared something bad’s going to
happen.
Check out the very cool trailer:
A Town Bewitched can be purchased here:
Suzanne de Montigny links:
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