Friday, August 29, 2014

My wife's a serial flusher!

No matter when I get in the shower, my wife decides it's the perfect time to flush the toilet upstairs. For some odd reason, the water turns ice cold. How is that possible when the toilet flushes cold water? It goes against the laws of physics. These things keep me up at night.

It's probably not an issue in newer homes. But our house is old, older than Don Rickles' mother. Everything's taped together, barely hanging in there. The basement is a maze of wires, tubes, gizmos, what's-its, things I've never seen before, everything dangling from the ceiling. When an electrician comes over, says, "you're lucky to be alive," you know something ain't right. Don't even get me going about the strange orange gelatinous goo I find in the nooks and crannies. I don't know what lives down there, not sure I want to.

But I'm off topic again. Whenever the upstairs toilet flushes, I'm in for a cold shower. And my wife hits the sweet spot each time I jump in there.

Before every shower, I tell her not to flush. Warnings have been issued. Stern looks are posed, aimed, shot. Nothing seems to work. It's almost like she's secretly taking out her hidden hostilities, wreaking a quiet vengeance. Or fate hates me. Maybe I ticked off the plumbing gods in a past life. Karma can suck.

What's it gonna' take? Post-it notes everywhere? The floor's open for suggestions.


  1. She's doing it on purpose. That's how I get my boys out of the shower because they take too long. As for the cold water, that really has me wondering. Perhaps your toilet is hooked up to the hot water tank. Have you ever checked for steam rising from the bowl?

  2. It's aliens, Stuart, from outer space. They use older houses like ours as infiltration points. The orange goo, the unrecognizable circuitry with ancient Babylonian technology... It's their zero-point energy grids that suck all the heat out of the water. They use the toilets to control it all because... well, maybe not. Forget I said anything.

  3. I have nothing to add to Michael Beyer's hypothesis. Seems reasonable to me.

  4. You know, Michael's hypothesis seems right-on to me as well. Combine that with the alien eggs recently deposited in my back-yard and my weird inability to write after imbibing....ALIEN INVASION.

  5. It isn't your wife's fault. Edwin has been reading your books. He is taking possession of her body, just to taunt you. I think it's working.