Friday, June 6, 2014

Stand-up Comedy is's tough

Here's the deal. In the next book I write, I want to have a stand-up comedian be the lead character. The problem is, writing stand-up comedy patter is hard. Part of the problem, I think, is writing funny stuff doesn't read as well without the nuances, pauses, different

I consider myself a relatively amusing person. Of course my wife would disagree, but then again her poor suffering soul has to put up with my perceived "wit" on a daily basis. Her usual response doesn't evoke much confidence in my mad comedic skills. If they gave out gold medals for eye-rolls, she'd be mounting that dang podium. Serious good eye-rolls. Several orbits around her brain, then her eyes finally settle on me with an exhausted glare.

So I put it out to you. Let me know if this is funny or not. Keep in mind this is my character ranting, not myself. Oh, and as a back-door fail-safe, I should mention he's not the best stand-up comic around.

So. I have a daughter. She just turned eleven. 

She bugs the crap outta' me with a lotta' tough questions. 

"Dad, why is the sky blue?"

"Because it's prettier then brown." 

"Why did you divorce my mom?" 

"Because murder's not nice."

Anyway. I love her more than I can say. I just don't like her too much. I know, right? Parents? Let's hear it.

The other day we were sitting in the park. A couple of goth kids walked by us...the whole white mime make-up caked on, chains dragging like they lost their dogs, everything.

My daughter says, "Dad, look, vampires. I didn't think they came out in the day."

Okay. The comedian in me was proud of her. The father? Not so much. Especially since she used her outdoor voice. Yeah, we were outdoors, but times like that? Indoor voice. Especially since I didn't want to get bitten. 

So, I said, "Serena, it's not nice to make fun of people." 

"But, Dad, you do it all the time. For money."

I thought...wait, what, am I a professional exploiter? The pimp of comedy? They say kids are 50-50 of their parents. So if my daughter's a 50% jerk, does that make me a 100% ***hole?

So, I said, "Um...I do it for fun."

"You just said it's not nice to make fun of people!"

"Shut up, eat your corn-dog. Let's go."

Okay. There you have it. Is this of the sucky variety or does it not sucketh (and not in the vampirish way)?


  1. Sort of a Don Rickles vibe. Maybe a little more kinder and gentler to daughter-dearest. She may not have learned the "murder's not nice" bit yet.

    1. Ah, Marva, comedy's all about confrontation. Remember (*wink*) this is my character, not me. Even if my daughter intuited I was writing about her, she can handle it. She's contemplated murdering me several times. What stays in the family, slays in the family. Ouch! I'll be here all night, ladies and gentlemen!

  2. I found it funny. I was imagining someone with a strong New York or New Jersey accent. Loved the part about the goth kids with chains like they lost their dogs. It would help If I knew who the comedian was and what his stage persona is supposed to be. Is his stage persona different from his real-life persona? I image he tries to be very caustic on stage.

    1. Thanks, Jeff. I'm just starting writing this book. But if I pull off what I'd like to, the character is all bluster on-stage, quite withdrawn and insecure off-stage. I think that's the way a lot of comedians are, utilizing the stage to exorcise their demons. Better than a therapist's couch.

  3. I thought it was funnier before you started the rant. I liked the bit about the vampires and getting bitten and the dog lost bit.

  4. Tragedy is easy. Comedy is hard. How do you write comedy? You sit in the corner bashing yourself in the head with a brick until something falls out that's funny. I hope your head is okay, Stuart, because this is quite funny.