Here's the deal. In the next book I write, I want to have a stand-up comedian be the lead character. The problem is, writing stand-up comedy patter is hard. Part of the problem, I think, is writing funny stuff doesn't read as well without the nuances, pauses, different voices...delivery.
I consider myself a relatively amusing person. Of course my wife would disagree, but then again her poor suffering soul has to put up with my perceived "wit" on a daily basis. Her usual response doesn't evoke much confidence in my mad comedic skills. If they gave out gold medals for eye-rolls, she'd be mounting that dang podium. Serious good eye-rolls. Several orbits around her brain, then her eyes finally settle on me with an exhausted glare.
So I put it out to you. Let me know if this is funny or not. Keep in mind this is my character ranting, not myself. Oh, and as a back-door fail-safe, I should mention he's not the best stand-up comic around.
So. I have a daughter. She just turned eleven.
She bugs the crap outta' me with a lotta' tough questions.
"Dad, why is the sky blue?"
"Because it's prettier then brown."
"Why did you divorce my mom?"
"Because murder's not nice."
Anyway. I love her more than I can say. I just don't like her too much. I know, right? Parents? Let's hear it.
The other day we were sitting in the park. A couple of goth kids walked by us...the whole white mime make-up caked on, chains dragging like they lost their dogs, everything.
My daughter says, "Dad, look, vampires. I didn't think they came out in the day."
Okay. The comedian in me was proud of her. The father? Not so much. Especially since she used her outdoor voice. Yeah, we were outdoors, but times like that? Indoor voice. Especially since I didn't want to get bitten.
So, I said, "Serena, it's not nice to make fun of people."
"But, Dad, you do it all the time. For money."
I thought...wait, what, am I a professional exploiter? The pimp of comedy? They say kids are 50-50 of their parents. So if my daughter's a 50% jerk, does that make me a 100% ***hole?
So, I said, "Um...I do it for fun."
"You just said it's not nice to make fun of people!"
"Shut up, eat your corn-dog. Let's go."
Okay. There you have it. Is this of the sucky variety or does it not sucketh (and not in the vampirish way)?