Sunday, November 10, 2013

Stuart Goes To Twerking School

So, I thought I enlisted in a class about social media, hoping to pick up a few tips. Twerking 101. Awesome. I need to learn self-promotion and all that stuff.

I walked into the building, excited. The frantic, thumping music shoulda' clued me in as I climbed (out-of-breath, natch) to the third floor.  Laptop under my arm, clad in a Hawaiian shirt and jeans, I forged on. When I pushed open the door, I was met with a Boschian vision of Hell.

Clandex-covered bottoms thrust repeatedly toward the roof. Demonically possessed pelvises grinded, gyrated, found various bean-bags and "hoppity-hops" to take their aggression out on.

The instructor barked, "Twerk! Twerk like you mean it! Nice twerking, Sinsilla!"

I was horrified, appalled, embarrassed. I felt compelled to leave immediately. But not before I took a few photos on my camera. Look...

Okay. Sorry, that didn't really happen.

But, really, Twerking. It's kinda' sad this word's in the popular lexicon now. I mean, where did it come from? Did Miley Cyrus decide that if she "twists" her body, then "jerks" her bottom, she could toss the words in a blender, trend the crap outta' it?

These kids today (and yes, I'm channeling my most cranky grandfather mode, wearing my gray sweater and knee-high, black socks). They have no idea "twerking's" been around since the cavemen days. Used to be a mating ritual amongst primal man. They'd toss their posterior in the air, shake it, women would come running. Nothing new under the sun.

Just check out this hieroglyphic anthropologists found in a cave...even dinosaurs got into the act.

How far will the Twerkademic go? Will corporations have twerking-casual days on Friday? Will Twerkers get half-off appetizers at Applebees? How about greeting cards wishing you a "happy Twerky-Day?"

Please send me money to help stop the madness.

But let me take a few more photos first, just for, you know, research.


  1. And the class? Did you finally get there?

  2. Yes, Suzanne, thanks for asking! I'm now a bonafide "Twerkologist," fancy degree and everything.