Saturday, November 3, 2012

Why Men Can't Clean Toilets

It's an age-old mystery, one passed down through the centuries, and one that hasn't been solved. Until now. I know why men can't clean toilets. Brethren, I've found the answer.

Call me the Indiana Jones of toiletry, the debunker of false porcelain myths, what have you. But I've uncovered some shocking evidence (I hope) that will unite the world over the on-going rift between men and women about toilet bowl cleaning.

I pulled the unfortunate short straw regarding household duties. It's my responsibility to keep the toilets clean. Not too happy about it, but I agreed. I hold up my end of the bargain.

However, my due dilligence at cleaning doesn't meet up to my wife's exacting standards. I thought, WHA?

Not too long ago, my wife dragged me into the bathroom. She strapped on blue, plastic gloves (looking like a distaff member of the Blue Man Group) and ordered me to put my head into the toilet. Being no dummy, I obeyed. I didn't see the point, but that's neither here, nor there. She went into full-on lecture mode, explaining the difference between liquid and friction cleansers. I kinda' zoned out on that part. But what I sorta' retained is "liquid" is spray, "friction" is powder. Okay, I'm good with that.

After this, I pondered. A lot. Through my scientific research (polling, asking the mailman, watching TV), I found that men and women differ greatly regarding what constitutes a clean toilet and what doesn't. Women like toilets to be sparkling clean, a damn near museum piece. But, here's the deal. Men see toilets as a functional hole, centered appropriately in the middle of the house. It's where dirty things go. You can clean it, wipe it, put a sheen on it. But it gets dirty again. The circle of life. Ultimately, an excercise in futility.

That's science and research for you. My wife's still not buying it.

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