Confessions of a Man with a Tail

I'm not happy about being the eighth wonder of the world. Not really how I'd like to be known.

But, yeah, I am. I have a tail. It's wagging right now.

It protrudes where things shouldn't stick out. Very curious.

I saw my doctor, asked about my tail.

She said, "Yes. Wow! You do have a tail."

Huh.

Didn't exactly instill me with confidence. As soon as I left the office, I checked out all of the local carnivals, inquiring if they had a freak-show opening. "Step right up to see the incredible Dog-Boy with a tail!"

How did this happen?

I wasn't born this way. It just sorta grew.

Specialist time. Even she was stymied.

"Oh, my," she said, "you've got a lotta things going on down there."

When you freak out a butt doctor, things aren't looking well. Again, not a confidence builder.

By the time you read this, my tail will be gone. Surgery scheduled yesterday, June 2nd. I'd like to keep my tail in a jar, remember the good times we shared, wagging when we were happy. I'll miss you, old friend.

Photos to follow!

Escaping Q Island with author Russell James

Hands down one of the finest books I’ve read that’s come out of the (late) Samhain Publishing stable is Q Island  by Russell James. Of course I had to track Russell down and pester him.

SRW: Welcome Russell! Let’s get the boring writerly crap outta the way first. Constantly I’m being told to watch my overuse of metaphors and adverbs. In Q Island, you certainly don’t adhere to that rule. But you pull it off beautifully. Your metaphors never get in the way of the story and actually help to propel the narrative, a rare achievement. Have you ever had an editor (or anyone) tell you to cool it?

RJ: I had a writing coach circle a whole bunch of metaphors and ask how they fit into the story. I didn’t have a good answer. They were just off the wall. So after that, it was kind of a challenge to find ones that created the image I was looking for and also stayed within the theme of the scene or fit the character’s point of view.

SRW: Give the Tornado Alley readers an idea what Q Island’s about. But do it very melodramatically please (just because it amuses me).

RJ: A virus gets loose on Long Island, New York that turns people into crazed killers. The government blows the bridges and quarantines the island. Melanie Bailey has an autistic son who gets infected, but does not get sick. In fact, his autism gets a bit better. She realizes he may be the key to several cures, if she can get him off the island. So she has to get him past the crazies, she has to get him past the government soldiers, and she has to keep him out of the hands of a criminal gang leader, who has his own ideas about what to do with a boy who might be a cure.

SRW: Let’s talk about that bizarre first chapter. When I started reading, I was like “What the hell? I didn’t sign on for a book told from the viewpoint of a mastodon!” Defend yourself.

RJ: You wanted the story from the beginning, right? The first chapter was a risk. I wanted the reader to know the impact of the virus from the start and how it became entombed. There’s no infected point of view scenes in the book, so all you’ll see later is the crazies on the attack. This chapter was a chance to know how messed up their world is. I was hesitant to keep it in, but the editor of Samhain at the time, Don D’Auria said to keep it. The man is a horror editing legend, so what Don said went. So it stayed.

SRW: It’s cool. In retrospect, I believe the opening chapter helps ground the book in reality. Kinda.

Russell, the book’s very rough-going in parts. Not the writing! It’s extremely well written. But you don’t shy away from the gore and ultra-violence. Do you intentionally try to push boundaries in your books?

RJ: Q Island is without question the harshest horror I’ve ever written. The infected on the rampage brought a lot of that out. There’s a scene of cannibalism, and I worked really hard to capture the character’s simultaneous psychological repulsion to the act juxtaposed with the overwhelming physical craving to dive in. My wife is reading the manuscript in another room and calls out “Okay, I’m skipping the brain eating.” And I yell back, “No! You can’t! That’s the best scene!”

 

I hope potential readers don’t think the book is all hardcore horror. This is a very character-driven story, interspersed with sick stuff.

SRW: You certainly know your way around military grade guns, weapons and artillery. Russell, are you a gun-toting, mountain-dwelling survivalist or a heavy duty researcher? 

RJ: I spent five years in the U.S. Army as a Black Hawk helicopter pilot, so I picked up a lot of the military stuff there.

SRW: I could tell there was a good deal of research done for this book. Nice job. I enjoyed how we follow the paths of four very different people until their journey dovetails in a solidly apocalyptic finale. Aiden, one of your protagonists, is a young boy with autism. Not only did you mine his illness to great suspenseful effect, I think you handled it with care and sensitivity. Have you had any personal experience with anyone who suffers from autism? 

RJ: My wife is the principal of a school for children with learning disabilities. She has many autistic children there from all along the spectrum. Aiden’s character is at the far end of that spectrum. My wife has lots of sad stories about how some of the kids were treated before enrolling with her. She was the expert on Aiden. I would ask her whether certain reactions were normal, and what accommodations parents would have to make. That part of the story has brought me some heartwarming fan mail from people much closer to the condition than I am, who are so happy that the autistic child wasn’t the villain. I had one woman come back the second day of a horror con in tears to tell me that her son was autistic, she’d stayed up most of the night to finish the book, and Melanie’s life was just like hers. My wife gets full credit for me nailing the character.

SRW: Melanie, Aiden’s mother, is a warrior, a fierce lioness who’ll do anything to protect her cub. I have to say, though, I was a little taken aback about how she was so willing to have her son studied by the military. Surely she had to know that’d be a living hell for him. 

RJ: Melanie also has this naïve streak in her. She doesn’t realize what a total jerk her husband is, early on she keeps thinking that society will maintain some normalcy. She loses a lot of this as the book progresses, but in her desperation to save her son, with escape from the island seemingly impossible, that naiveté peeks out just one more time. Everyone needs a character flaw.

SRW:  Jimmy Wade is a particularly interesting character. Starting off as a weasel of a street hood, he soon becomes a frightening Big Bad, a very King-like villain. Level with me, Russell…did you have any empathy for Jimmy? Or did you hate him as much as readers will? (I ask because oddly enough I find myself eventually empathizing with a lot of my villains. Doesn’t say much for me.)

RJ: Someone said the villain must be written as if he is the hero of his own story. I really focused on that for Jimmy, how he thinks that none of the bad decisions he’s made put him in the hole he starts the story in, just bad luck and people hating him. Then he goes megalomaniac when finally he gets the power he thinks he’s deserved his whole life. But nah, he’s a spittoon of a human being and I liked the ending of the book.

SRW: Q Island is a zombie book, yet not. I think what makes it more terrifying than your standard stalk and muncher is that the paleovirus is all too real, a common fear these days.  Other than avoiding eating mammoth steaks, what would you advise people to do in such a situation?

RJ: Everyone but my friends and family should confront the infected with absolutely no weapons or game plan. It will leave a lot more canned food and ammunition for the important people. I’ll be living on a stolen thirty-foot sailboat with a lot of fishing gear and spindle-mounted miniguns on the bow and stern. Please call first before dropping by.

SRW: I'll bring mammoth steaks. Back to research, did you read up on the CDC and other emergency plans? Your scenario smacks of reality. (And I read in your afterword, that you don’t know anything about medical procedures and the likes. But your research paid off).

RJ: I did some research on CDC plans in the event of an emergency, then did some common sense extrapolation to match the scenario. All the real medical science credit goes to fellow author and nurse Rita Brandon, who seriously schooled me on infectious disease, hospital protocols, and trauma injuries. She deserves major props for keeping all that in the real world.

SRW: You don’t paint a very pretty picture of the government or humanity in general. (Of course there's Tamara and Eddie, two very likeable, sacrificing characters but they seem to be the minority). Now, horror as a general rule, is a very cynical genre. Do you consider yourself a cynic?

RJ: The inspiration for this story hit after watching what happened in New Orleans when Hurricane Katrina came ashore. People were isolated and short on supplies. Society broke down in hours. There were stories of public bus drivers abandoning evacuation routes to save themselves. Police opened fire without provocation. The Superdome became a cesspool. And all this was in a situation where the water was guaranteed to recede. I wondered what would happen if this was on a larger, more permanent scale. Long Island fit the bill since it was just a few bridges, a tunnel, and some ferries away from being cut off from the world. So is Q Island cynical about the depths people might sink to in an emergency? I’m afraid it’s just realistic.

SRW: What’s up next on your keyboard?

RJ: Well, plans went awry after Samhain announced they were closing up shop. I had a novel under contract for next month called The Portal, about the Devil returning to a little island off Massachusetts to try again to open a portal between here and Hell. So that needs a home. I also have a serial killer thriller novel finished and a sequel to Q Island called Return to Q Island, where one man has to smuggle himself back to the island to save his mother and sister. (The place has gone seriously downhill since Melanie left.) So, I’m shopping all those titles around.

I will have a new collection of time travel stories called Forever Out of Time out on Kindle in June. It will be joining several other short story collections that range from horror to science fiction.

The easiest place to see everything I’ve written is on my Amazon page here:

http://www.amazon.com/Russell-James/e/B006BFIOKQ/ref=ntt_dp_epwbk_0

There’s also a Facebook author page:

https://www.facebook.com/Russell-James-Author-172907172791996/

And my never-up-to-date website:

www.russellrjames.com

SRW: Thanks for visiting Russell. And, folks, go buy Q Island. It’s a riveting edge-of-the-seater horror thriller!

Fat guy in a kiddie swimming pool!

I know it sounds like the title of my newest horror novel or something. But herein lies true horrors.

Every Summer, I've worked hard at putting up an inflatable 20 foot swimming pool in the backyard. Nothing's better than floating on a raft, drinking a beer during 98 degrees sweltering days. It started off as something for my daughter and her friends, but I've continued the proud tradition long after my daughter moved out.

But. Clearly I'm not taking into consideration my neighbors. I'm sure I've burned their retinas out. Who wants to see an old fat guy in a kiddie swimming pool? (Well, I kinda do, but I'm too close to the subject). Besides, I don't want them calling in "Quint" from Jaws to take care of the Great White in Kansas.

Recently, my wife said, "Maybe you're getting a little old for that."

Huh. Man.

So. To pool or not to pool, the eternal question.

Of course there's an alternative scenario. With all the rain we've been having in Kansas lately, our old house can't weather the storm. Our basement's flooded.

Adult swim! I think the mice will make excellent swimming companions.

Anyway. What say you, readers? I'm putting it out there for a vote. If you chime in with a "yay" vote, I promise to post selfies all over the intronets so you can  enjoy the spectacle!

Chewing over Vicki Beautiful with author Somer Canon

Please welcome Somer (pronounced just like the season; I asked) Canon, an exciting new voice in horror and fellow refugee Samhain Publishing author.

SRW: What’s up, Somer? Thanks for darkening my doorstep.

SC: Thanks so much for having me, Stuart!  I wiped my feet on the mat, I promise!

SRW: SO…Vicki Beautiful. Your first published novella. When I read it, I had absolutely no idea what I was getting into. Once I saw where it was going, I dang near fell outta my chair. Tell everyone what they’re in for.

SC:  When I wrote this, I printed out multiple copies and I wordlessly handed it to a couple of friends and my mom.  They all had this really spectacular reaction and they said that it starts off looking like something you’d see in a Woman’s Day magazine but then things go horribly, horribly wrong.  I love that, and it is very accurate.

The story is about lifelong friends who are just getting into their 40s, so they’ve got quite a bit of history and affection between them.  As life can tend to go, things go wrong and one of the friends ends up dead and she leaves behind a set of last wishes that are so bizarre and awful that the remaining friends have to decide if they want to fulfill those last wishes.  They have to decide if they can even stomach the act.  

SRW: Somer, I know you. You’re a very nice person. But where in the world did this warped idea come from? Fever dream? Food poisoning?

SC: I’m a nice person?!? Stuart, you’re going to kill my career with a slanderous declaration like that!  But really, thank you!

This book came from a dream.  It was a dream where I went to a fancy dinner party and I was there to see a dear friend, a lovely woman with a distinctive beauty mark on her cheek.  I was sitting at this beautifully adorned dinner table wondering about my friend when a waiter in a white jacket placed a plate before me and on the plate was this pale, gelatinous piece of meat with a very recognizable beauty mark.  That dream stayed with me for days and I eventually sat down and wrote out a letter to fictional friends stating last wishes that might explain how a crazy dinner party like in my dream might have come about.

SRW: I love how the book is played straight. Temptation would’ve led me to write it as a dark comedy. But I think the fact you wrote it seriously is why it’s more effective. Extremely confrontational horror. Nicely done. Constantly, I found myself wondering what I’d do in such a surreal experience. Um, Somer, have you been to some strange dinner parties?

SC: I’ve hosted some strange dinner parties, Stuart!  Are you angling for an invitation?

SRW:  Depends on what’s on the dinner menu. Somer, you’ve expressed to me your trepidation about Vicki Beautiful not being considered horror. Um, what else would it be? And if you didn’t intend it as horror…WHAT were you thinking?

SC: There is almost no blood and gore to this book.  The horror in this book is very cerebral and understated, I think.  I’m working from a place where hindsight is telling me how wrong I was originally, but because of the sort of light touch this book takes, I was convinced that it wasn’t good enough for the horror genre.  I originally tried selling it as a thriller until an editor was nice enough to tell me that I was very wrong.  

SRW:  In today’s culture where advertising beauty is the standard that we’re being brainwashed by, Vicki stands out as a rather ghastly banner for artificiality. Honestly, in her quest for money-bought and surgeon-enhanced beauty, she’s quite an ugly character. What are your thoughts on our superficial culture? Is the book a statement against enhancements?

SC: Not at all.  I’ve known a Vicki or two in my life, and they were people who, despite that preoccupation, managed to still be wonderful people.  Yes, it made an ugly side to them in terms of being judgmental towards others, but they were still PEOPLE.  I think that if we’re talking about the faults of our superficial culture, I tend to think it puts an awful lot of pressure on those of us who, at best, are just average people.  There’s a sort of nudge to look smooth and poreless and polished that throws any sort of natural features out of the equation.  But I also think it’s important for us lowly average people to remember that the people who buy into that look are still people with personalities and inner-selves.  Books and covers, you know.  

SRW:  I loved the ending. A scene of Hitchcockian worthy suspense. We’ve discussed this before, but do you see the ending as satisfying?

SC: I know there are going to be people who yell at me about the ending.  It’s not the original ending that I had written, but I thought that ending it with a question, with a truckload of anxiety attached to it, was so much better than throwing an all-questions-answered ending in your face.  You decide if they do or if they don’t.  I think that’s better and much more satisfying leaving you groaning and yelling at your e-reader than just telling you what happens.

SRW: Okay, now I’m curious. What was the original ending?

SC: He did it.  Sloppily and tearfully, juices going everywhere.  He did it.

SRW: Alright, curiosity and appetite satiated. What’s coming out of Somer’s keyboard and mind now?

SC:  I’m working on a book about a woman with questionable morals.  She’s rumored to be a witch and her new neighbor finds that title too cute by half and asks her about it.  The woman admits to being a witch and to doing something horrible in her past to earn her hateful name.  Yes, she did something horrible but maybe, just maybe, it was justified. 

SRW: There you have it folks! Go buy Somer’s book, Vicki Beautiful now! Thank me or curse me out later. Just don’t eat while reading it.

Don Horroritos!

Ole! I have found the worst Mexican restaurant in the world and I lay claim to it like a Conquistador because it's in my neighborhood.

I'm talking about Don Chillito's. The on-line reviews are terrible. For good reason.

Of course I decided to take my daughter and nieces there. Call it trial by fire. Gotta grow up some time. Showing 'em how hard it is to live on the mean streets of suburban Kansas.

The menu is a disorganized nightmare. You can choose between the regular burrito, the Big Top regular burrito, the Texas burrito and, last but not least, the Big Top Texas burrito. Next is your choice of toppings: Velveeta Overload, Chili Indigestion, Mystery Slaw, and Gastronomical Meltdown. From there we enter the realm of sauces...it goes on and on. Totally confusing.

The employees then assail you with indecipherable questions. "Would you like extra Big Top CCQ sauce inside and/or smothered?" As my daughter said, just nod and smile. The sooner we order, the sooner we're back to an orderly world.

The chip trough is a modern unsanitary miracle. It's amazing this restaurant passes proper health codes. Kids dig their hands into the all you can eat chip trough, piling up their plates. Don't forget the salsa! "Chunky blended" or "mild blended." Probably better we don't know what the blends are.

The best part, though, is the wall of microwaves. Nine microwaves stacked one on top of another. They don't even try to hide it. I ordered a regular burrito Big-Top. Bombs away into the microwave! Not so delicious big ol' plate of melted velveeta with some beans and flour beneath.

This restaurant is older than I am. And much more popular. I used to work with a woman who said her two sisters rave about it, travel across the city to eat there. Oh, and the food made my doctor sick. High praise indeed.

My brother ended up spending quite a bit of time in the bathroom. In Don Chillito's defense, he did say it was quite a nice restaurant.

Witness The Ghastly Love of Johnny X with film director Paul Bunnell!

Just the other day I watched a film that kinda blew me away. I didn’t expect much (based on the title), but in return I received a bucket-load of fun. Of course I’m talking about The Ghastly Love of Johnny X. (I know, right?). Immediately, as a goofy fan-boy, I hit up the director. To my delight, Paul Bunnell agreed to be pummeled (“Bunnelled?”) on my blog.

SRW: Paul! Thanks for hanging out.

PB: My pleasure. I’m always happy to hear from folks who appreciate the Johnny Xperience. It was a fun movie to make.

SRW: Okay. I’m a fan. Honestly, The Ghastly Love of Johnny X kinda blew me away. Tell everyone in Tornado Alley-land what it’s about.

PB: GLJX follows the misadventures of a band of rogue aliens who have been exiled to Earth, because they refuse to fit in with society on their own planet. The leader is Johnny X, and at the start of the picture, they’re tracking his ex-girlfriend, who took off with something very important to him. Intrigue ensues, including romantic entanglements, demonstrations of otherworldly powers, and the occasional dance routine, all in beautiful black and white!

SRW: The film’s an encapsulation of everything great from ‘50’s and ‘60’s era drive-in flicks. Quick run-down, Paul, off the top of your head…favorite drive-in flicks. Countdown (to the lobby) starts now!

PB: I’m a fan of THE BLOB, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (original version, obviously) and TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE for examples of drive-in movies of the sci-fi or horror variety. And of course, for more serious, intellectual fare, I love anything directed by Alfred Hitchcock.

SRW: What in the world did inspire you to create Johnny X? I can’t imagine Hollywood producers were clamoring for a
project like this (shows them how much they know).

PB: Well, the idea of GLJX was always in the back of my mind. I can’t honestly say it was inspired by any single movie or moment in my life. But I definitely wanted to create something that harkened back to the fun of a good, old-fashioned, loopy drive-in movie. And the story itself went through a bunch of changes before I settled on the final plot.

SRW: Paul, my favorite part of Johnny X is the musical numbers. And I’m not really a musical guy. But the performances are very well-mounted and clearly choreographed to a tee. Practically mini-operas in that they effectively progress the story and showcase different characters in their arc. All set to the same song. Impressive. I imagine it took hella work to film. Any heartache/back-break tales of woe?

PB: No real tales of woe, unless you count a six-year hiatus. There are some cuts in the drive-in sequence that were actually filmed years apart, like when Chip and Bliss exit the car and we cut to them walking away, it’s six years later. How’s that for continuity? Interestingly, the movie was not originally conceived as a musical. I wanted to stage
one elaborate number as my nod to movie musicals, which was the fantasy diner number (“The Rumble”). I was kind of poking fun at the conventions of the musical, where gangs, as in WEST SIDE STORY, for example, would unexpectedly break into song and dance to further the plot or reveal character issues. That is why this sequence is fairly long, compared to all the other songs, it was intended to be the big
set-piece. And, of course, the plan had been to include at least one concert song performed by Mickey O’Flynn later, and that would have been it. As development on the script went along, though, I found it was more effective to condense scenes or dialogue I was not too happy with into song – for some reason this just worked better. It added a little more punch, and took what might have otherwise been a stagnant, exposition-heavy piece of drama into something way more
entertaining to watch. So before you knew it, there were songs everywhere! Although I still don’t honestly consider GLJX a cookie-cutter musical, strictly speaking.

SRW: A six-year hiatus!!! That's some dedication. (It paid off, though. "The Rumble" is a great sequence).

I recognized Reggie Bannister (the world’s most unlikely, balding, pony-tailed action hero from about a kazillion Phantasm movies) and Paul Williams (although I thought he was Bud Cort throughout the film!) in the cast. But, in my opinion, your big “Get” was Kevin McCarthy. Wearing a silly Devo-looking cup hat. As always, he was great. (And if you don’t know who he is, folks, shame on you and go do homework. Now. I’ll still be here when you’re done). Am I correct that this was his last film, Paul?

PB: Yes, GLJX was indeed Kevin McCarthy’s very last film. Great actor and consummate professional on the set. By the time I started editing, he was in failing health, unfortunately. Sadly, he didn’t get to see the final product. However, I am happy to say I did visit him, and was able to show him a rough cut of his scene, which he seemed to enjoy.
Also, regarding the hat, I have to tell you that it was actually Kevin’s idea! We had been discussing his character, and at some point he came across a picture of Devo, which for some reason he found intriguing. He sent me the picture and asked what I thought of adding such a hat to his costume. I thought “why the heck not!”, so my movie sports the one and only Kevin McCarthy in all his glory, outer space judicial robes, Devo hat and all!

SRW: Dang, Paul, I didn’t even realize Mickey O’Flynn was portrayed by Creed Bratton until the credits rolled. Unrecognizable. (Most people will recognize him from his portrayal of the skeevy, questionable guy in The Office). I knew Bratton had a musical background and here you utilize his talents magnificently. I’m curious if you wrote the
part of the Frankensteinian O’Flynn with Bratton in mind or if he came after the script.

PB: The part wasn’t written with Creed in mind as Mickey, but I agree that he is unrecognizable, and a totally unique, bizarre character. Really a pitch perfect performance that matches the sensibilities of the movie in every way. Since you brought it up, I’d initially hoped Paul Williams would play Mickey O’Flynn, and worked pretty hard to make it happen for a long time. I think Paul would have been great, no
doubt a very different take on the character, and I’ve always been a big fan of PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE. But there is no question Creed owns the role. And Paul himself told me he agreed that Creed was an excellent fit.

SRW: Yeah, I love Phantom of the Paradise, too. Where’d you find the rest of your cast? Actors, dancers or singers first?

PB: I cast for acting, primarily, but since there was always going to be the one big diner number, we held singing auditions at the same time, with Scott Martin, who wrote the songs. A couple of roles were filled by friends of mine who I knew fit the parts perfectly. All the other characters were auditioned in the usual manner. Luckily, as the number of
song and dance sequences expanded, everyone turned out to be more than up to the task.

SRW: I really enjoyed Heather Provost’s performance. So I looked her up. How ‘bout this for credentials? Not only is she Tony-nominated but she appeared in something called Fagney and Gaycey. Yow!

PB: Yes, she is sort of a talent powerhouse, really! And I love the comedic touch she brings to her scenes. I’m happy with all the gang members, too, who have such interesting and distinct personalities. And speaking of comedy, I hope to see more in the future from De Anna Joy Brooks, who plays Bliss with such terrific timing and incredible, subtle expressions.

SRW: So. We have juvenile delinquents, teen gangs, aliens, music numbers, sodajerks, drag races, bombshells, femme fatales, and so many more staples of the old days drive-in cinema. Paul, I kinda kept waiting for a giant ant or something to crawl out of the woodwork. But it’s really perfect. Except for the post-modern irony and occasional cursing, this flick could’ve been birthed in the ‘50’s. What did convince you to take on such a mammoth labor of love?

PB: GLJX is basically my love letter to B-movies of yore. That is why it is filled to the brim with the staples you mention. I truly love going to the movies, and wanted to make something that wouldn’t have appeared out of place on a big, old-fashioned drive-in screen. And I didn’t want to make something too modern or hyper realistic just to sell
tickets. It would have been easy, even with this fantasy based material, to churn out an expletive laden gore-fest, but that was never a style I wanted to embrace just for the sake of it. That is also why this was planned from day one as a black and white picture. I felt like it was the best way to convey the spirit of the movie, even when everyone around me insisted today’s audiences would refuse to see anything that wasn’t shot in color.

SRW: Whoa. It took you 18 years to make Johnny X since your last film. Um. What happened? What’ve you been up to?

PB: The witness protection program comes to mind. But seriously, it just took a lot of time to get another “quality” independent movie produced. Funding is always the hardest thing and I didn’t want to do it on the cheap. If I’m going to make a movie it has to be the best that it can be. It must be a quality show. My goal is to make good art.

SRW: Lol. I didn’t realize until today that I’ve seen your ’94 flick That Little Monster. Who could forget the legendary Forrest J Ackerman’s stellar performance? (Cough.)

PB: Wow, that is actually really something - I mean that you had previously already watched THAT LITTLE MONSTER! As for Forry Ackerman’s performance, well… he’s “The Poor Man’s Vincent Price,” and I say that with love. So I guess that makes me the “Poor Man,” right? I was pretty happy to snag him.

SRW: Actually, I would've called you the "Poor Man's Roger Corman," but...um, that kinda seems redundant. Okay, Paul, what’s up next for you? Please don’t take another 18 years for your follow-up film. I’m a fan, but you gotta keep giving.

PB: I have a couple of possible projects in the wings, one of which is something you might be interested in, called ROCKET GIRL. It is not related in any way to GLJX, but it does involve visitors from outer space. But it isn’t a comedy, or a musical, at least not right now. Rest assured, I will do everything in my power to see that it does NOT take 18 years to get made! The script is being fine-tuned, so I don’t want to say too much about it, other than I hope to make a movie that is above everything just a lot of fun.

SRW: Ta-dahhhh! Take a bow, Paul. Thanks for visiting. Shout at my readers (very loudly) where they can find your awesome film or where to chat you up.

PB: Thanks for your kind words and for discovering my movie. Your readers can also discover it On Demand and DVD from Strand Releasing. When on Earth visit
www.johnnyXmovie.com (ask for Sluggo).

Welcome to the Geriatric Ward!

Last week I celebrated a birthday. Well. "Celebrate's" probably not the right term.

From Florida, my mom calls to wish me a happy day.

"So...how old are you today?" she asks.

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do. Come on."

I didn't know, I really didn't. Just because my mom played at being 39 for many decades didn't mean I had to join in her  games. Somewhere along the way, I sorta quit counting.

So I said, "Well, lessee...subtract 1961 from 2016...carry the number..." I used my air chalkboard. "Wow. Guess I'm 55."

"Then today you're officially in the senior discount age bracket."

Huh. She said it like it was a rite of passage, a badge of honor to get that 10% off a bag of chips. But...how did that happen? More importantly, when did it happen? Seems like just yesterday, I was living like a teenager. Carefree and not an ache in my body. And now I can get a senior discount. How...awful.

Thanks Mom!

Of course I mulled it over all day long. That night my wife took me out for a great birthday meal where I ate like my life depended on it. Pretty much felt like it did, too.

On the way home through the Plaza in Kansas City, Missouri, I watched all of the teenage hipsters strolling through the streets.

"Look at 'em," I ranted. "Wearing their shorts and sandals and T-Shirts and beanies, walking around like they're invulnerable to aging! Bah!"

My wife said, "Wow, this is bothering you. Do you really feel like a senior citizen?"

"Right now I feel bloated, stuffed like a turkey and in a brain coma from eating too much seafood lasagna! My shoulder and arm ache because I slept on it 'funny!' And there's nothing 'funny' about it! And it's 7:00 and we're going home and all I feel like doing is rolling into bed! So, yeah...I do feel like a senior citizen!"

Great Caesar's ghost!

I'll save you a spot in the nursing home. I hear Bingo Night's a real hoot.

ONE CLICK AWAY FROM DARK COMEDY!