Our newest dog, the puppy Biscuit, has regressed and started pooping in the house. Oh, sure, when we first adopted him, he was on his best behavior and didn't make messes in the house. But after he knew he had us hooked, and that there was no going back, he's letting it rip. Just to show us who's boss.
While we're trying to curb this gross behavior, my olfactory senses are on high alert. At times, I'll suddenly say to my wife, "Uh-oh, I smell poop."
So we'll make the rounds, checking his favorite places to go (always hidden pretty well, so don't tell me he doesn't know it's a no-no!), and the last time our mission to find poop had proven fruitless (or "poopless," if you will), my wife said, "You're smelling phantom poop."
"Phantom poop?" I asked. "Is that really a thing? Sounds like a cheesy Japanese school-girl horror film."
"Yes, look it up."
So, with the aid of my trusted research assistant, Ms. Google, I did just that. The results may well shock you!
Apparently, people love to talk about phantom poop (or ghost poop) online. A lot! Undoubtedly, from their mothers' basements.
According to social media experts (get a life, guys!) and gastroenterologists (get a less glamourous job, guys!!), phantom poops refer to the following bowel-related phenomena:
*Thinking you need to poop, but it's only gas;
*A poop that sinks to the bottom of the toilet and disappears (ooooooh, spooky!);
*A poop that leaves no trace on toilet paper after wiping (Quick! Call an exorcist!).
Okay, first of all, I never knew pooping had so much unexplained phenomenon behind it (I never saw the subject matter pop up on all of those "Unexplained Mystery" syndicated shows). Second, how does a person end up researching and studying poop? Do they have a Master's in Poopology? ("Professor, for my thesis, I'd like to present several theories--and test them--on how peanuts end up in poop, even when you haven't eaten them.") Third, while these "phantom poop" symptoms aren't really pertinent to our doggy issue, it's made me think a LOT about the frightening and supernatural world of poop. And finally, while I don't even pretend to understand the complex, intricate, paranormal world of pooping, there's one thing that's absolutely factual to me: Raquel Welch never, never, never, EVER pooped.
Regardless, there's an AWFUL lot of chatter on the intronets about phantom poops. I should know, I read a lot of it, preparing for future sparkling and witty conversation at our next dinner party.
Speaking of embarrassing things, pity poor Wendell, protagonist of my comical thriller, Chili Run. Bad guys force him to run across a crowded Kansas City downtown to fetch a bowl of chili. In his tighty-whities (or it that "tidy-whities?" I dunno, it's quite the raging controversy) underwear. Or they're going to kill his brother. It's complicated. Read the outrageous, and hopefully funny, non-stop suspense in Chili Run.
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