The New Anti-Covid Garden Gnome

He's everywhere, this cute lil' gnome of a doctor who's constantly warning of the perils of Covid-19, more ubiquitous than that terrifying Elf On A Shelf creature!

This wasn't always the case. In the year 2020, the Fauci gnome made rare appearances. And usually when he did, he'd look like this...

This is no longer true these days! The Fauci gnome is turning up in all sorts of places, a sorta supernatural media blitz with sound-bites falling outta his wazoo. And these days, he looks like this...

And this...

And this...

 Instead of this...

 Who can blame him?

The Fauci gnome is quoted as saying that working with Biden as opposed to Trump over Covid is "liberating." That the President actually, you know, believes in science.

Talk about setting the bar low. Science is like air. We need it to live and it's how you explain living. Duh. But I don't really want to get going on the neanderthal-like Trump troll. That old horse has been beaten to death.

But I find the Fauci gnome's liberation kinda endearing. Early on he looked absolutely stunned that Biden would listen to him. I'm reminded of how excited one of my high school acquaintances was when he found out he could smoke in college hallways back in the day. Absolutely giddy.

Which is why the Fauci gnome no longer looks like this...

Speaking of all things magical, there's a lotta weird, unnatural events transpiring in the stories to be found in my collection, Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley. Here you'll find ghosts, the devil, an underground city, a lonely Bigfoot, and much, much more! Dark humor and horror for your unease!
 

 

 

Aquaman Vs. Submariner: The Ultimate Geek Question

In these truly weird and turbulent times, I think that one questions looms mightily over the heads of many people: Who would win in a fight: Aquaman or Sub-Mariner? Yessir, I tackle all the Big Issues here at Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley.

Back in my office days, a coworker and myself used to call the local comic book shop and seriously asked the clerk this very question. Three things can be garnered from this exchange: 1) We had a lotta spare time on the job; 2) Yes, I'll always be six at heart; and 3) We'd giggle for hours over how seriously the comic book clerk considered this question.

"Aquaman, clearly," he'd rattle on. "He's the king of the sea whereas Sub-Mariner is merely a prince, and bla, bla, bla..."

We put him on speaker phone and invited others to listen. Good times, good times...

Now, don't get me wrong; my CBQ ("Comic Book Quotient") is pretty high, too, but never have I ever taken such things seriously. It's scary.

But, it made me think. Why in the world hasn't Marvel made a Sub-Mariner movie yet? After all, he was one of Marvel's first superheroes, dating back to when they were called "Timely" in the '40's. Sub-Mariner, along with Captain America and the original Human Torch (an android), used to team up to kick the Axis' collective arses.

So why no Sub-Mariner Big-Time Movie Treatment? Nicholas Cage has probably already got a piece of the action as we speak and is trying on speedos. But the real reason there's no Sub-Mariner movie? I'll tell you why...because underwater superheroes and action are boring. Don't believe me? Try watching the excruciatingly dull Sean Connery Bond film, Thunderball. Watching grown men fight underwater is less than exciting, their movements slowed down by the water in a ballet of boredom. Also, check out DC's snoozy Aquaman film for further proof. The only laugh I got out of the film was when my daughter booed the screen once Aquaman donned his costume, thus covering up Jason Momoa's previously nekkid torso.

Furthermore, Sub-Mariner's just kinda dumb. Check this guy out...he's got teeny-tiny wings on his ankles. Whaaaaaaaat? He was born from a liaison between an American explorer (just what was he exploring?) and an Atlantis princess.  Okay, so we've got a human and an Atlantean. So where'd he get the footy wings? And just how well do they serve him underwater?

Aquaman's equally goofy. He was the offspring of a romance between a lighthouse keeper and a washed to shore secret Atlantis queen. The dad suspected something was up with his son when he found him playing underwater for an hour. Good parenting.

SO, we're circling around again to the important question: who would win in a fight between Aquaman and Sub-Mariner? I dunno, but it'd probably be a really boring fight. Oh sure, Aquaman can talk to sea varmints. It might be kinda cool to see him rally a bunch of seahorses to eat Submariner's ankle wings or something. But honestly, if these two grade Z superheroes want to knock each other senseless, have at it. Somewhere a comic book store clerk is sighing ecstatically.

Speaking of funny books, why not check out Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, the first in a series of comical mystery books featuring a very irritated, very pregnant sleuth and her knuckleheaded male stripper brother? There aren't any superheroes in speedos, but you do get a banana hammock in the deal. Such a bargain!

 

The Vaccination Quandary

Purely by luck, I got my first Covid vaccination shot last weekend! And I don't know how I feel about it!

Okay, let's back up a bit...

First of all, when I write about the vaccination quandary, it's probably not what you think. I'm definitely not an anti-vaxxer. I don't even understand those people, they don't speak my language. 

Okay, facts are facts and science is science (contrary to what the last political administration would have you believe): along with every vaccine, there will be allergic reactions. They're extremely rare, but there's always *that guy* who can't tolerate it. This is true with the flu shots as well. (At my last job, when they'd dole out flu shots, there was *that guy* who always said the flu shot made him sick; I think he just wanted the day off).

And, sure, there might be some unforeseen side-effects. Bound to happen once they rushed the vaccine out. But to me the odds are in the vaccine's favor.

Recently, I found myself in a really stupid position: arguing with an anti-vaxxer on Facebook (Einstein had it wrong; surely this is the definition of insanity). I said it's better to have, say, hair grow on your palms or grow a third eye than to die. The anti-vaxxer took me to task over this, called me dumb, said neither vaccines or masks work. (And she's calling me dumb! She went on to cry about how Kyle Rittenhouse should be freed, so I bailed, lucky to get out alive). 

Even if you don't believe in vaccines (and again...why? Because that mysterious magical voodoo called "science" says so? Or because our disgraced former numbskull-in-charge poo-poohed it? Don't make me come over there!), it's your duty as a fellow human being to help keep others safe as well. This common tenet of humanity shouldn't have to be explained. It transcends patriotism. It's about being a decent person. You know...the Golden Rule.

Yet, how many people have forgotten this. In this crazed era, everyone's hating everyone else, pointing fingers, Democrats blame Republicans and vice-versa to the point where we've got crazy factions branching out on both sides doing crazier things to out crazy each other. And to put a nice cherry on top of it, when all else fails, sue, sue, sue! It's insane (you know, like arguing with anti-vaxxers on Facebook)!

So everyone take a breath, relax. Take your damn vaccine when it's time.

Which brings me back full circle... Last Saturday, my wife volunteered to help vaccinate dental students in downtown Kansas City. It was also during a snow storm. So she let me know that they had extra vaccines since some students cancelled. 

Sold! And to quote former VP Mike Pence, "Being gay is a choice."  Wait! Sorry, sorry, sorry, wrong Pence quote! Here's the right one: "I didn't feel a thing."

At first I was giddy at receiving the vaccine. It was the beginning of the end of a year-long nightmare. But then--just like grief--various feelings ebbed and flowed. I started feeling guilty in that there are others who need the vaccine more than me, those people (like my daughter) who deal with people mask-to-mask on a daily basis. Then I started worrying about all of my unvaccinated loved ones. Then depression hit: the world didn't change. Nothing would magically right itself regarding social distancing, masking, taking precautions, simply being able to eat out in a restaurant. This was life as we knew it and we'd taken it for granted.

But, maybe, just maybe, we're getting a second chance. So, let's not blow it this time. 

While you're waiting for your vaccinations, how about taking your mind off it all for a bit with a little comedy and mystery? I'm talking Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, of course.  It'll fix you up real good.

 

Dog Adoption Days

Well, after hemming and hawing and begging and pawing about it for a couple years, we finally made the decision to dive into the dog world again.

Let me rephrase that... For many months, my wife had been toying with the idea of getting a guinea pig. I shrugged, whatever, you go, girl. I figured, c'mon, it's not gonna be any more fun than a fish, but it that floats your boat, then be my guest. And how fun are fish? Every once in a while you bang on the fish bowl to try and get some kinda attention until they end belly up on top of the water (I should know...I'm a *gulp* serial fish killer).

Then my wife hits me one night with, "You know... The more I've been looking into getting a guinea pig, the more work it seems. So I started thinking maybe it's time for us to get another dog."

Jaw drop! Carpet yanked out: Ka-whoosh, thump! Eyes bulged like a lecherous cartoon dog! And, of course, AOOOO-GAH!

After the demise of our last, great dog, I just didn't want to go through the heartache again. Then I said, "Well, that came outta nowhere. But what kind of dog had you been thinking about?"

She whipped out her iPad, pulled up a photo, thrust it in front of my face.

"I'm in," I said. Didn't take long. Problem was, the more I scrolled through the adoption pages, the more I wanted every dog. "Okay, you're gonna have to run the search. Otherwise, I'd have a houseful of dogs and become the 'crazy dog guy.'"

So she did.

Now, I'm not sure if any of you have been through this process lately, but man, it's changed. Gone are the days when you stroll into a kennel, point at the first dog that licks you, and say, "Gimme."

Nope. These days, you have to jump through hoops, bark, roll over, and play stressed out. It's a more intensive procedure than getting Pentagon clearance. We went through interviews, dog meet and greets, home visits, inspections, reference checks, finger prints, lie detector tests, water-boarding...

We also went through many, many close calls. We lost a lotta Waylons, Dashes, and Bruce Waynes along the way. Every time we'd get our hearts set on a dog, someone else snuck in before us. One such dog had over a hundred applicants. Of course there were page after page after page of either Pit Bulls (we'd already gone that route; Zak was the best dog ever, but a lot of high energy) or Chihuahuas (no thanks, mean little yippy things).

Where'd all the dogs go?

Since Covid, there's been a dog shortage. Something I never thought I'd see. But the competition is fierce out there.

But, hey, perseverance finally paid off! My wife found a very pretty dog, a Whippet mix. Only Whippet I'd ever heard of was a new wave song from the '80's, but this dog was much more adorable than Devo. Three years old, good natured, with gorgeous coloring and golden eyes. Than we found out she was part of a package deal. The other dog was an eleven-year-old Lhasa Apso.

Uh-oh. Clang-a-lang-dang! Ka-Booooooom! And again, AOOO-GAH!

Not an ideal situation, the dogs were "bonded," and we couldn't have one without the other. Again, a sucker for sad, doggy eyes, I took a look at the gruff and scrappy Loomis, and said, okay, let's grab 'em!

Success! I think. After being with us for a week or so, Bijou (the Whippet) has skin issues; Mister Loomis (my wife added 'Mister' to his name befitting the dignity of someone his age) has teeth problems. I'm probably gonna have to take 'em to doggy therapy pretty soon for mental issues. Or something else equally as crazy.

Man, these guys are expensive.

 But they're worth it, settling in quite nicely. It's odd when you adopt dogs, their personalities are already intact. Bijou's loving, bright, playful, but very demanding. Mister Loomis is a grumpy, lil' old man, perfect for my needs. When Bijou wants to play, Mister Loomis pretty much slams her down and gets vicious. (Frankly, I'm not sure why Bijou loves her older bro so much). But, hey, they are each others' dogs.

And, we, the humans, are their people.

Speaking of things going to the dogs, as a writer, I have absolutely no shame. Don't believe me? The proof is in the first book in the Zach and Zora comical murder mystery series, Bad Day in a Banana Hammock. It's the only series featuring an idiotic male stripper and his always irritable and usually pregnant sleuth sister. Ask for it by name! G'wan, I dare ya!